How would you read this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

My uBPD sister and I have been engaged in intermittent email communication. I just got a letter from her saying "You haven't seen me angry." This was in response to my email where I really tried to firmly establish my boundaries by saying that I can't be around her if she is not going to try to control her anger.

How would you interpret this?  I sort of read it as a threat, though I don't know what she would do. However, I can't imagine that our next interaction will be very pleasant. Now, my next "line of defense" is to never be alone with her, if ever I have to see her again.  I will insist that my husband, brother or uncle are with me in her presence. Does that seem reasonable? (It can't be anyone because my mother or father won't do anything or will tell me that I am overreacting... .it is easier to blame me and deal with my agitated state than to deal with her wrath.)

Thanks,
leenlou

[LeneLu]

Hello all,

My uBPD sister and I have been engaged in intermittent email communication. I just got a letter from her saying "You haven't seen me angry." This was in response to my email where I really tried to firmly establish my boundaries by saying that I can't be around her if she is not going to try to control her anger.

How would you interpret this?  I sort of read it as a threat, though I don't know what she would do. However, I can't imagine that our next interaction will be very pleasant. Now, my next "line of defense" is to never be alone with her, if ever I have to see her again.  I will insist that my husband, brother or uncle are with me in her presence. Does that seem reasonable? (It can't be anyone because my mother or father won't do anything or will tell me that I am overreacting... .it is easier to blame me and deal with my agitated state than to deal with her wrath.)

Thanks,
leenlou

[HappyChappy]

A BPD is pre-programmed to bat any boundaries that prevent them doing their thing, away. So could it be that ?  Is she saying “you call that anger” or is a threat ? We can only read a little into it, as it is only one piece of the jig saw. Don’t forget that if you were brought up with a BPD in your life, with all the gas lighting, that we can over think things. But does the detail matter ? It simply looks like the beginning of resistance to setting boundaries. Does it make any difference to what you will do next ?
 
So what is your long plan here ? What boundaries are you trying to establish or defend ? Howe will you do it ? I went through this process my NPD and BPDm. It is quiet rattling to begin with, but now they have accepted the can’t find a way around, it so much easier. But I used this site to get second options, because they will question your resolve, so feel free to post on her for support or advise. There are also some techniques of approach that will make thing so much easier. So feel free to post as often as you want. 

[Panda39]

Hi leenlou,

I clearly don't know your sister so I can't comment on her intent with that comment.  But my first thought was do not respond to that comment, it feels like bait to engage in drama with you... .maybe that was the intent... .to trigger you.  Even if that was not her intent that seems to be the result.

I would just let that comment lay there don't respond to it.

Your doing good work focusing on your boundaries that is really key for your own well being. 

Do you feel truly threatened by your sister? If that is truly so then why put yourself in harms way?  If someone else was threatening you would you spend time with them? 

Safety needs to come first, but I think by bringing a "body guard" your husband, your brother or uncle you raise the level of drama and you jump on the Drama Triangle.  It is possible that by bringing one of these men along you could appear threatening to her or at the very least she could feel ganged up on?  Maybe there is another way around this, maybe you only meet her in public?  Take her to lunch or go shopping... .somewhere there are other people around.

I like that you are thinking about your own safety but maybe the game plan can include some pre-planned boundaries too. 

Some ideas... .

Make sure someone knows where you are when you are with your sister.

Spend time in public places have her meet you there (so you have your own transportation)

If the anger elevates to where you feel uncomfortable tell her you will leave if it continues (boundary)

If it continues leave (enforce the boundary)

When enforcing boundaries things can get worse (Extinction Burst) be for they get better but if you are consistent she should get the message.

I often use this analogy as a simple way to explain boundaries... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

Some links related to some of what I mentioned above... .

Karpman Drama Triangle:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Extinction Burst: (essentially the tantrum in my analogy)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[LeneLu]

Thanks for the advice and insight.  I don't ever plan on being alone with her again.  EVER.  I am talking about a scenario where the family is altogether at an event that I can't avoid (and she will never bow out of).  I don't mean to bring along one of these people as a bodyguard, but they are the only ones that might help keep her behavior in check.  I am grateful that I have these relatives in my family that recognize that her behavior is not measured (my uncle's mother was definitely nBPD... .he has commented that my sister is "just like Grandma... .she blows up at you and then forgets that she did it".)

I have not responded to this last message from her. Nor will I. It is comforting to see that some of you see this as smoke and a pattern where I must stay strong and stick to my guns.  But, to be honest, I am just learning how to see my way through this and I don't know if she will progress from raging to violent or physically destructive behavior.

[Panda39]

I am talking about a scenario where the family is altogether at an event that I can't avoid (and she will never bow out of). 

In that type of situation where the men in you life would be there anyway and nothing would appear out of the ordinary to your sis I say go for it in terms of their presence there making you feel safe and supported.

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

I am just learning how to see my way through this and I don't know if she will progress from raging to violent or physically destructive behavior.

Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior with a BPD. But never forget when we were at home and they controlled the dynamic, they were as empowered as they will ever be. I know my BPD & especially my NPD were violent, but only when they though the could get away with it. So rarely outside the family home. So avoid going to their strong hold - you define when and where you meet. A BPD has no empathy, but they do care what the crowd thinks.

However that doesn't stop us getting flashbacks to the bad old days. But we need to recognise that much of this is F.O.G. So given this, do you still think there is a real danger of violence or physically destructive behavior ? My BPD was scared of dogs, so just having one in the room kept her from becoming aggressive. What would work in your scenario ?

[strength_love]

This is the sort of thing my BPD sister says. I view those types of statements as aimed at discrediting my concerns and at puffing herself up and appearing tough and rebellious. It's a form of hyperbole (something my sister uses very liberally in most of her interactions) mixed in with a big middle finger to the boundary. I see it as a bullying and intimidation tactic rather than a threat, but I don't know your particular situation well enough to know whether it's a real threat in your case.

For example I might say to her, "I am unwilling to keep talking with you as long as you continue to yell" and she might say, "You haven't HEARD me yell, trust me." In that scenario I view her as trying to send two messages:

1] You are overreacting (a means of gaslighting and deflecting the problem back onto me)
2] I defy your request and if anything will just yell louder (a means of showing that she is the one in control)

It kind of reminds me of Crocodile Dundee saying, "That's not a knife, this is a knife," which just makes me laugh, really.

I do think it's wise to avoid being alone with a BPD if you feel vulnerable or unsafe around them.