What can I do ?

[Persistence]

My daughter is sleeping in her car and it breaks my heart. I have her daughter living with me. Her anger, behavior and outburst has taken it toll on us. She can’t live here until there are some changes. I feel quilt, worried and hurt that I’ve had to make this decision. I know her behavior will never change if I allow this behavior in my home. I feel I’ve tried everything. I don’t want her out there sleeping in her car but I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any thoughts or things that have help your BPD loved one. I’m looking for answers to help make the right choices. A toddler doesn’t need to live with this kind of trauma but her Mother needs help. Does anyone have any knowledge of a therapy that has made a difference. I know she has to want to change and work on the steps needed. I’m hoping that she is close to that. I have stood my ground for almost a year   She still blames me for everything that is wrong in her life. Any help would be appreciated. She is begging me to let her move back in but there are no changes in her behavior with me. I hope I’ve made sense in what I’ve said.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Persistence.  Welcome.

Yes, you have made sense in what you have written.

It is hard enough dealing with a child who exhibits BPD behaviours but to have a grandchild in the equation is so much worse.  I am a grandmother, too, so I DO know that feeling.

First of all, I think it is wonderful that you have been able to have your grandchild with you.  Has this been a difficult thing to do... .meaning does your daughter threaten to take the child away?  Do you have any legal status (guardianship) for having the child?  Do you have any other family support?

Sometimes the actions we are forced to take are heart-wrenching and it seems in your case you have had to make a hard one by not allowing your daughter back in your home to live... ."I know her behavior will never change if I allow this behaviour in my home."

Has your daughter been diagnosed as having BPD?  Has she ever had counselling/treatment?  Just as important... .have you ever been to counselling?

Seems I, too, am the reason for all my daughter's problems.  That is a hard one to swallow when so much love/effort has gone into trying to make things better. 

My heart goes out to you, Persistence.  This is, indeed, a difficult and heart-breaking situation you have been put into.  We are here to listen and to offer support as you make decisions on what to do next... .decisions only you can make.  Remember, your daughter is making decisions, too, and there are consequences that follow.  As Moms, it is built into us to try to rescue but we can only do so much and sometimes the only way a child learns is for us to let them feel the consequences... .tearful for us to watch.

((HUGS) to you.  Hope you stick with us.

Huat

[bluek9]

Hi Persistence, so glad to see you are here. Sorry it is for the same reasons we all end up here.
   I'm struck by your name- it says it all Persistence! It is the one thing we all need as parents of BPD.
My daughter is 35, she lives with me, I'm raising my grandson JJ (6). It is always heart wrenching when a BPD chooses not listen or take the help offered by others, sadly part of the nature of being BPD. For me I have taken steps to ensure JJ's welfare, I'm working on guardianship. My daughter has come to the realization on her own that she cannot take care of him, his needs are just too much for her to deal with. I work hard on including her in major decisions so she doesn't feel alienated. Often the case is she does not spend time with him, take him any where, play with him or put him to bed at night. Again for me, I would rather have her bow out of situations than take her anger, frustration and demands out on him.
    I agree with Huat, your daughter IS making decisions for herself. I've always been a firm believer in natural consequences. Yeah they may fall into the same hole 50 million times, eventually there will be a next time when they think before they fall. BPD is all about everything being SLOW.
    Bravo for you for sticking to your decision of not letting her back in your home until the behavior changes. Great boundaries. Check out the lessons to right --> the one on FOG will help a lot with the guilt, worry and hurt. My daughter has been blaming me for everything in her life for the last 30 years. I know this sounds impossible ":)on't take it personally". It's not you, those words are coming from a person with a mental health issue, and that mental health issue is distorting her perspective. There are so many facets of BPD that we can never change, that can be hard to accept, but if we are persistent we can find new ways of interacting with our child.
      For now, while she is thinking about what to do with herself; you need to focus on YOU and your grandchild. There is a great thread going on right now about self care, read it. Hopefully you see that all of us here acknowledge the fact that we need to care for ourselves. So welcome to this space, keep coming back. I hope to hear more of your story soon. Bluek9