Ex-BPD randomly emailed me after 5 months of no contact. What does she want?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I broke up with my ex-BPD of 5 years around 6 months ago. We haven't spoken at all for 5 months, she hasn't even tried to contact me... .I thought she was completely gone. Then all of a sudden she sends me this email, which essentially says:

• She apologizes for how we broke up and how she went crazy.
• She says she hopes I've found happiness. She claims to have found happiness too.
• She mentions the pet we had (which she took with her) and how it reminds her of me, then attaches a picture and video of it.
• She puts her new phone number at the bottom.

What is this? Genuine well-wishes and a genuine display of guilt? Or just a charming attempt because things are going bad in her new relationship?

[asphyx]

I broke up with my ex-BPD of 5 years around 6 months ago. We haven't spoken at all for 5 months, she hasn't even tried to contact me... .I thought she was completely gone. Then all of a sudden she sends me this email, which essentially says:

• She apologizes for how we broke up and how she went crazy.
• She says she hopes I've found happiness. She claims to have found happiness too.
• She mentions the pet we had (which she took with her) and how it reminds her of me, then attaches a picture and video of it.
• She puts her new phone number at the bottom.

What is this? Genuine well-wishes and a genuine display of guilt? Or just a charming attempt because things are going bad in her new relationship?

[ShadowA]

Out of curiosity, did she split you black?

[talks to angels]

Could be she feels bad, but who puts they found happiness in an apology. Depending on how strong you are, as I dont know your story. I would recommend no response. Its great she apologized but if you respond it might be twisted back on you (i had that happen) and it could put you back to square one in the healing.

[ShadowA]

Honestly she's probably setting you up as her secondary again. However, it's hard to tell.

[SuperJew82]

There must be an opening in the safety net guy positions. She probably started seeing this other guy the day after she broke up with you ( or was seeing him already ) . About 6 months is a safe time to say that the idealization is breaking down and she is feeling a bit scared.

She is engineering a communication that will make sure it pulls at some of your emotions.

Just a guess based on my experience.

[SuperJew82]

FYI

They don't feel that type of guilt. If it really weighed on them as much as it should, they wouldn't do these things in the first place.

[asphyx]

Out of curiosity, did she split you black?

Yes but only because I refused to get back with her after I dumped her.

Could be she feels bad, but who puts they found happiness in an apology. Depending on how strong you are, as I dont know your story. I would recommend no response. Its great she apologized but if you respond it might be twisted back on you (i had that happen) and it could put you back to square one in the healing.

Although it's hard, I'm not going to respond. Hopefully she doesn't try to contact me again because I cannot help but get emotionally affected whenever she contacts me. I've made great progress in detaching and grieving from our relationship during the months of no contact. I hadn't thought about her for weeks then suddenly I see this e-mail and now I've been knocked back a few steps. I don't want to make it any worse... .but since I haven't found a new girlfriend, there's a small part of me saying "come on, just talk to her".

Honestly she's probably setting you up as her secondary again. However, it's hard to tell.

I think that too. I know so much about BPD but when I am emotionally involved with a BPD person I get confused and can't seem to pinpoint their true intentions or manipulations, hence why I made this thread.

She is engineering a communication that will make sure it pulls at some of your emotions.

Well it worked!

[enlighten me]

FYI

They don't feel that type of guilt. If it really weighed on them as much as it should, they wouldn't do these things in the first place.

They do feel guilt. In fact they feel everything a non feels. Their behaviour is driven by impulse. Low self esteem means that its hard for them to admit wrong doing so once they've acted on impulse then they cant own up to it.

Another factor is the intensity of negative feelings. Where they are so much stronger then the guilt and shame is that much stronger. Yes a non would learn from this but we are not impulse driven and this impulsivity is so strong that it overrides any consideration of consequences.

[GuySmiley]

*deleted*

[woundedPhoenix]

They don't feel that type of guilt. If it really weighed on them as much as it should, they wouldn't do these things in the first place.

That is not always true. But it sometimes takes their "runaway fantasy" to wrecklessly collapse to realise what they lost in running away and how much they hurt people in the process... .

And feeling that guilt doesn't mean they will never again develop a new "runaway fantasy" to avoid any discomfort they wish to escape.

[Pretty Woman]

Friend, all of that is carefully manufactured. The pet pic was to pull at your heart a bit and it's worked. They are very skilled at this... .masters if you will. They have been doing this their entire lives.

She didn't talk to you all this time and then had an "epiphany"?

You deserve better.

I see this as a way to triangulate you and pull you right back in. You are already 6mo out. My advice, stay out. Each time you are sucked back it's worse and sets back your healing tenfold.

[Sunfl0wer]

Could simply be a way to undo her sense of rejection by you.

If you bite, interact, it kinda erases/undoes the rejection in a way.

[Herodias]

In my experience, he was having some doubts about his new gf and wanted to see if he could suck me back in "just in case"... .I fell for it and all he did was hurt my feelings again. (and we were married)  I would suggest you keep nc... .

[SuperJew82]

You spotted it Herodias!

Every time we would have something come up - she would start triangulating+ other guys into the rotation. They start putting their feelers out.

I've seen the chats on my exBPDgf's phone. She would never tell them she had a boyfriend and just keep them toyed up in case she needed to use them. When something would heat up on our side, that's when the late night texts started coming in.

I think it's just a way to mitigation abandonment. If you are deathly scared of being left alone, maybe it feels better to know that you have a couple guys/gals on the side wanting you and ready to give you the attention you need.

The tables are turning my friend. Don't be the fallback boy. I would keep out of that equation. Don't get charmed back in... .please don't

[Rayban]

You have the power my friend!  Don't give it up by responding.  You dumped her, and haven't bent. You are a challenge to her.  I think she wants to seduce you, get you back in the fold and hurt you for dumping her. Don't respond and block her on whatever method she used to contact you. Use this
Event to give you more strength.

[Maxpax2011]

That is not always true. But it sometimes takes their "runaway fantasy" to wrecklessly collapse to realise what they lost in running away and how much they hurt people in the process... .

And feeling that guilt doesn't mean they will never again develop a new "runaway fantasy" to avoid any discomfort they wish to escape.

Your right about that, the first big break up with my ex followed with her running off with another guy within weeks of the break up, she came back two months later, and apologized about everything, we tried again for another year, then broke up last September, again she ran off with yet another guy within a month. So you are right, even though they feel guilt after the fact, they will still repeat the same destructive behavior over and over again to escape the loss. It is just a sad vicious cycle. I do think though this is the last I will hear of her, thankfully, I have since started to see another woman, and have not heard from her in months. I know some guys are not so lucky, but sooner or later they do go away.

[pest]

Your right about that, the first big break up with my ex followed with her running off with another guy within weeks of the break up, she came back two months later, and apologized about everything, we tried again for another year, then broke up last September, again she ran off with yet another guy within a month. So you are right, even though they feel guilt after the fact, they will still repeat the same destructive behavior over and over again to escape the loss. It is just a sad vicious cycle. I do think though this is the last I will hear of her, thankfully, I have since started to see another woman, and have not heard from her in months. I know some guys are not so lucky, but sooner or later they do go away.

You spotted it Herodias!

Every time we would have something come up - she would start triangulating+ other guys into the rotation. They start putting their feelers out.

I've seen the chats on my exBPDgf's phone. She would never tell them she had a boyfriend and just keep them toyed up in case she needed to use them. When something would heat up on our side, that's when the late night texts started coming in.

I think it's just a way to mitigation abandonment. If you are deathly scared of being left alone, maybe it feels better to know that you have a couple guys/gals on the side wanting you and ready to give you the attention you need.

The tables are turning my friend. Don't be the fallback boy. I would keep out of that equation. Don't get charmed back in... .please don't

I had very similar stories as on quotes and I saw my exes conversations with others. I strongly believe that you shouldnt be get caught her message. It is engineered, and it is not for you but for her. You are discarded if she havent contact you all the way 6 months.

[clvrnn]

It could be that she had been expecting you to reach out and, when you didn't, decided to try and re-enter your life and reel you back in, again.

The pet thing (as someone has mentioned) is very clever and a complete tactic. I had an ex post a picture of my own cat on Twitter and caption it with "missing this baby" - I remember feeling terribly confused. It's just a thing they do which they know will catch your attention.

She left you her new number, yes? Did she change her number, or something?