grave concerns about son's partner with BPD (at least)

[HumanHeart]

I'm looking for help/resources from professionals who specialize in complicated triangles of abuse. This particular case involves our son's gf (perpetrator), our son (victim, increasingly "siding with" perpetrator), and us, parents (victims of gf abuse, and over time, son's abuse in defense of gf against the world). All of the history has taken place out of town beyond our view. Our son met this individual in his first year college, at 19 yrs (she's a year older, ancestry from India, 1st gen Silicon Valley lineage). First we noticed weird bits in interaction with her, then red flags, then nastiness unlike any we ever knew or heard of.

The reason we know how bad things are, and the progression of the problem between them, is because she has perpetrated the same on us -- abuse by email and phone text, threatens us if we say we want to visit or that our son should come home, threatens us if we dare to send him anything by mail for Xmas, birthday, etc. (books, photos, sox, grapefruit?). Our son turned 25 in October (2017); we were instructed not to send a thing, as our "mail privileges" were taken away (?).

We haven't seen our son in 4 years, he hasn't been home in 5+, he lives under lock and key (literally), she has a parental surveillance lock on his phone, etc. She long ago destroyed our son's computer, then commandeered his accounts, barred us (and his very large extended family) from social media access to him or her, etc. What more is there to say, besides how can we connect him with help?  

We were no experts in psych disorders, but for 4 years have been reading to try to figure out what the heck was going on. At the outset we noticed how perfectly oppositional she was, then defiant, antisocial, narcissistic, and finally came to read about BPD. Again, no experts, but from all that we've read, she is a most severe case.

Any references for help in Ann Arbor where they currently live? We live ~5 hrs away (KY), and very much want to see him. We were a close family (4 natal, large family beyond that), and the enforced isolation and alienation (no contact!) that he has experienced has been horrible. Her "re-narration" of him, his life and his family have been devastating to him and us, his self-esteem is nowhere in evidence any more, ditto his memory, knowledge of who he is, or where he came from. He has regressed some number of years, lost language, writing ability, all friends and family relationships outside of the gf, his first exclusive and long-term relationship. A more toxic one cannot be imagined.

The current problem, as stated by our son in a rage (phone, 7/2017): "I can't help it that you set it up so that if I come home it's a betrayal of her!"

Anyone in Ann Arbor we should consult?

Thx for any advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

The current problem, as stated by our son in a rage (phone, 7/2017): "I can't help it that you set it up so that if I come home it's a betrayal of her!"

What does he mean "you set it up"?  Details will help us help you.

Sorry you are going through this - we have seen it before.

[Mutt]

Hi HumanHeart,



I’m so sorry that you’re going through 4 years searching for answers is a long time it must be really for you and your family. I don’t have a family member pwBPD I have an ex wife with BPD traits it was like walking on eggshells when it came to family. I didn’t want to make her upset so I avoided family to avoid fights. I just want to let you that you’re not alone. It helps to talk to others that are going through similar things.

[HumanHeart]

Over time the focus of gf's abuse of us (parents to son in question) became me (his mother). It's our guess that the drama/roles the gf has staged is a repetition, at least in part, of her family, and the picture she has graphically painted of us includes a stereotypically awful mother figure who is either her version of her mother, or from her arsenal of an imagination.

When our son says things like what you quoted, he's repeating the gf's justification to him for what she's doing. In other words, she has him believing that if he does not follow her "no contact!" demand, he betrays her. We wondered for the longest time what it was that she had over him, or threatened him with that would make him comply with her destruction. As we all now know, she is not just verbally abusive; she's also physically, financially abusive, and emotionally devastating.

I recently read Patricia Evans book Controlling People. It seems like a very comprehensive treatment of exactly the relationship our son has become mired in with this person. In fact, long ago we noted that theirs was no relationship, it was an invasion. At this point, he is acting/speaking like his own mind has been erased and replaced by hers, so that the snippets that we do get occasionally by phone (usually text) come from "him" in the sense of "channeling" you might call it.

Another example: our son spent a lot of time drawing as a kid, was fairly accomplished that way by HS, and began painting at college. He really liked it but left school (in 2nd yr) to find himself in Providence with this gf, working a couple of jobs to house them while she took a "gap year." So he wanted to take a painting class. We were not as estranged then, and when his gf was not around (she was traveling with her family at the time) he would call and talk to us as himself. So he told us he wanted to get back to painting and would sign up for a class. We encouraged it, offered to pay for it, and he was going to register the next day. He called a few days later to say he could take a ceramics course (her area of art) instead. He said, "I can learn to paint on my own time." We knew then that things were way wrong.

In trying to decipher the gf's narrative (i.e. the world as she sees it), we found that tracking the pronouns was key to sorting out the speaker (writer), audience, assigned roles, the drama that was supposed to be played, etc. It's been mind boggling.

[Skip]

When our son says things like what you quoted, he's repeating the gf's justification to him for what she's doing. In other words, she has him believing that if he does not follow her "no contact!" demand, he betrays her. We wondered for the longest time what it was that she had over him, or threatened him with that would make him comply with her destruction.

HH,

I'm really sorry that you are going through this in your family. We are here to help you (and of course have you help others) as we navigate this very confusing personalities. Foremost, I want you to be assured that we are your advocate... .you are here for help (not your son, not the gf).   

I yellow highlight a phrase of yours and I want to suggest that this is probably not what is going on. We have other parents that have come here in similar situations, and though the same thing... .and were getting nowhere. The idea that this is "Jonestown" and "cult rescue" is a viable tactic could lead to this becoming more polarized. Making progress is most likely going to require a different approach, and different thinking.

The members of this board can work with you to start turning this around. There is no quick fix, but we cab teach you how to stop making in worse in a day... .and then work with you in time on how to make it better.

If you family situation is anything like the others we have seen, his comment more reflects this narrative... .

You son is crazy in love with his girlfriend because she showed him a love and acceptance that he never experienced before - not in other relationships - not at home.  pwBPD traits have the ability to make someone feel that they have discovered the love of a lifetime.  I time, the pwBPD, because of attachment issues, starts to pull away. Likely you son is doing everything in his power to get the relationship back to the nirvana it was. Usually in these times, her insecure attachment can only be appeased by him addressing her insecurities which he is more than willing to do.

It sounds like that in the midst of the above, you behaved in a way that tripped her insecure attachment. She reacted to it. Your son sees what she is reacting to and feel that you are wrong and hurting them and hurting him.

If 1/10 of what you are saying here in concept or attitude is getting through to her, you are throwing acid on her insecurities and she can't handle it. You son must chose.

Here is the real brain twister. In the greater scheme of "how to deal with the gf (any gf)" you may have acted very normal... .but in the world of "BPD" and not understanding the hypersensitivities of these kids... .you may have been gasoline on a fire.

If you talk with other mothers her, most will say they raised their kids well (not perfect), but well. They aren't the bad guy. At the same time, most acknowledge that they were late to learn the sensitives of their child and that their childs over-reactions are real - they aren't the bad guy either.

All of this is an over-simplification, a little black an white in a gray world, but its a model that will serve you better than "Jonestown".

The only hope for this to get better is for you to make changes and be patient.

Not good news , I know.

Does this make sense?  Do you want to work with people her on this? I think it will help. You are not alone.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi HumanHeart,

I am a son who has alienated his parents and rather large extended family in the service of my wife with BPD and NPD traits. My daughter was born 4 and a half years ago, and my parents and brothers have only visited with her once. So many other aspects of your story are also very similar to what my parents have experienced, particularly my mother.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

What Skip said is an excellent representation of what went on with my situation - the feeling of finding "the one true love" is very real to us when we meet our BPD partner. I have gone to extreme lengths to try and "earn back" that love. It can feel like being in a cult or being brainwashed for your son, but what he'll need to figure out for himself is that he has a choice.

Here's an example: The only way that his partner was able to lock his phone was for him to hand it over to her. The only thing your son has to do in order to unlock his phone is to factory reset it.

As Skip said, you have found this site to get some help for you, and that's what we can offer. It's not an easy task for you, HumanHeart, because this will absolutely require a LOT of patience on your part. You cannot change your son! The more you try and push, the more you'll meet resistance, for all the reasons Skip has outlined.

The good news is that my situation is improving every day. I've started to get more help than I've had in terms of support from therapy and especially these boards. I've reconnected and stayed connected with my family, although i've had to do that privately so as not to invoke the pressures from my wife. But these were my choices, and they were only possible because my family remained patient and did not cross the boundaries that my wife had set. My family knew the boundaries were unreasonable, but instead of pushing across them and forcing things forward, they chose to be open and honest with me. They told me how much it hurt to be alienated, and communicated it in the best way they could. They waited for me to open up a communication channel and took advantage of the brief moments they had to get a message across to me, when they knew my wife would not filter it. Their message was: we love you, we support you, and we want you to know we're here for you if and when you need us.

I hope this perspective helps. I'm happy to continue to share insights and I hope that other parents can also share what has and has not worked for them.

Welcome to the bpdfamily, HumanHeart. We're here for you.