Adult Step Children Family Issues

[mapitout]

Greetings, my interest in this board stems from issues relating to my husband's adult children, ages 36, 37 and 39. Their mother was diagnosed as BPD, both bi-polar and Borderline. There have been many struggles for our marriage and all seem to fall within the Karpman Drama Triangle. I am here to learn the aspect of moving to "center". It's all new to me, I am excited to re-claim my peace of mind, reduce my anger and stress and live my life authentically. I have no children of my own.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi mapitout,



Greetings! Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. Do you feel like your stuck in the middle with your’s H ex and your step kids? Can you give us some detail as to what is going on?

[GaGrl]

Welcome to the forum!

I am married to a man whose first wife is undiagnosed Narcissistic OR and Borderline PD. My stepchildren are 36, 39 and 42. All have been negatively affected by their mother's mental issues.

What are you experiencing?

[mapitout]

Welcome to the forum!

I am married to a man whose first wife is undiagnosed Narcissistic OR and Borderline PD. My stepchildren are 36, 39 and 42. All have been negatively affected by their mother's mental issues.

What are you experiencing?

I am experiencing enmeshment, my husband and his children, his daughter, emotional/psychological incest, I have limited contact. With the oldest son and his wife, manipulation, narcissism and mean, I am no contact with them. Middle son, mutual respect at this point. Husband places them, especially daughter, in front of our marriage. Inappropriate sharing on both sides... . 

Husband's ex wife lives with oldest.

I want to get out of the triangle, for good, but struggling... .

[GaGrl]

My stepson was enmeshed with his mother, but they are now living 1500 miles apart, and it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

[mapitout]

My stepson was enmeshed with his mother, but they are now living 1500 miles apart, and it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

Were you in the triangle and if so, how long did it take you to get to center? What helped you?

[Tattered Heart]

WElcome mapitout,

I'm so glad to hear that you are ready to step out of the drama triangle. Can you share a little more about the situation you find yourself in?

It sounds like you may have some experience with understanding things from a psychological standpoint. Have you gone to therapy to help you in the past?

[mapitout]

WElcome mapitout,

I'm so glad to hear that you are ready to step out of the drama triangle. Can you share a little more about the situation you find yourself in?

It sounds like you may have some experience with understanding things from a psychological standpoint. Have you gone to therapy to help you in the past?

Oh, yes, lots of therapy! I also have done a lot of independent study, books, videos, philosophical thoughts, you name it and now it is effecting my marriage in negative ways. I need to catch myself when I'm being pulled in and react in a more 'centered' way. Not as familiar on techniques to instill that response, it's a big learning curve. Kinda wish experienced people with this issue would post their story!

[GaGrl]

Were you in the triangle and if so, how long did it take you to get to center? What helped you?

Somewhere along the line, I realized that the situations were triangulating, and I stepped out of it all with instructions to DH that if he chose to get involved, it was on him because I would not participate in the madness.  I think it was when the uNPD/BPD ex when through what I later termed "The Great Breast Cancer Scare."  It was a cyst.  But until she knew it was a cyst, she was calling our house (we lived 120 miles away at the time), crying to DH and having him spend excessive time on the phone trying to calm down her hysterics.  The adult children were calling our house, upset at what their mother was saying was cancer and her dire predictions of her own impending death.  She had DH (a financial advisor) scrambling around to get her set up with a lawyer to file a new will (and of yes, he was named Executor), plus drama-filled conversations about what each adult child should or should not get (based on the status of their relationship with her that day -- which of course is a roller coaster).  It was truly a carnival/circus for about a week.  Then she finally saw the doctor and had the cyst situation confirmed, and peace reigned again.

This was after we had been through several adult child-related crises instigated by the Ex... .negotiating a marriage for the oldest son in her native country, and then the marriage did not last more than 12 months... .picking up and moving 1500 miles away because she couldn't stand living away from her granddaughter (when the adult daughter moved away partially to get away from her mother)... .throwing the oldest daughter out of her house on a visit, leaving her with no handbag, no money, no ticket to get back to her hometown... .calling DH to cry that she wanted to shoot her current boyfriend because he had cheated on her (it was how their relationship began as he was cheating on his then-wife, so no surprise there).

This is the woman who attempted to come to our house on the afternoon of our small wedding, which of course the adult children attended.

So I simply extricated myself from it all.  I drew a boundary on the Ex calling our house phone (not an issue anymore, as we don't have one) -- if she calls DH, I rarely know about it.  :)H requested she call his cell, and that was it.  I rarely, rarely discuss anything to do with their mother with any of the adult children -- they have to bring up the subject and have a specific need to talk.  I don't mind being somewhat of a refuge, but I don't trust the older daughter not to disclose to her mother what goes on in DH's and my life.

More than anything else, I have found myself literally walking away from DH and/or the adult children when Ex is on the phone or is the topic of conversation.  I have had DH bring something to me, and have said, "That's between you and Ex, DH.  I trust you to work it out." Or for something going on with the adult children (example, Ex is saying she is going to build on to the adult son's house and move in with him when the granddaughter goes to college)... ."That's interesting.  I'm sure Son will have an opinion on that and can work it out."

[mapitout]

Somewhere along the line, I realized that the situations were triangulating, and I stepped out of it all with instructions to DH that if he chose to get involved, it was on him because I would not participate in the madness.  I think it was when the uNPD/BPD ex when through what I later termed "The Great Breast Cancer Scare."  It was a cyst.  But until she knew it was a cyst, she was calling our house (we lived 120 miles away at the time), crying to DH and having him spend excessive time on the phone trying to calm down her hysterics.  The adult children were calling our house, upset at what their mother was saying was cancer and her dire predictions of her own impending death.  She had DH (a financial advisor) scrambling around to get her set up with a lawyer to file a new will (and of yes, he was named Executor), plus drama-filled conversations about what each adult child should or should not get (based on the status of their relationship with her that day -- which of course is a roller coaster).  It was truly a carnival/circus for about a week.  Then she finally saw the doctor and had the cyst situation confirmed, and peace reigned again.

This was after we had been through several adult child-related crises instigated by the Ex... .negotiating a marriage for the oldest son in her native country, and then the marriage did not last more than 12 months... .picking up and moving 1500 miles away because she couldn't stand living away from her granddaughter (when the adult daughter moved away partially to get away from her mother)... .throwing the oldest daughter out of her house on a visit, leaving her with no handbag, no money, no ticket to get back to her hometown... .calling DH to cry that she wanted to shoot her current boyfriend because he had cheated on her (it was how their relationship began as he was cheating on his then-wife, so no surprise there).

This is the woman who attempted to come to our house on the afternoon of our small wedding, which of course the adult children attended.

So I simply extricated myself from it all.  I drew a boundary on the Ex calling our house phone (not an issue anymore, as we don't have one) -- if she calls DH, I rarely know about it.  DH requested she call his cell, and that was it.  I rarely, rarely discuss anything to do with their mother with any of the adult children -- they have to bring up the subject and have a specific need to talk.  I don't mind being somewhat of a refuge, but I don't trust the older daughter not to disclose to her mother what goes on in DH's and my life.

More than anything else, I have found myself literally walking away from DH and/or the adult children when Ex is on the phone or is the topic of conversation.  I have had DH bring something to me, and have said, "That's between you and Ex, DH.  I trust you to work it out." Or for something going on with the adult children (example, Ex is saying she is going to build on to the adult son's house and move in with him when the granddaughter goes to college)... ."That's interesting.  I'm sure Son will have an opinion on that and can work it out."

Thank-you, your description of experience and how you reacted draws a picture for me, different details, but the things that prompted your reaction is relatable. Much appreciated.