I am so blocked out and not sure what to feel or not to feel - I was recently diagnosed with BPD so I started googling, and listening to You tube videos which I was hoping would be good but now I feel if ever I had a complex I have a bigger one as I feel wow I must be ridiculous to look or be around at times.
Any way my partner of 2 years said some things about me to a mutual friend and it got back to me. I had a past experience well many so a TRIGGER went off and I not only verbalized my anger, hurt, and frustration to the mutual friend but came home and packed up my girl friends things.
I feel saying this as I learned its such a cliche for us BPD but yes I love her and dont like her at the same time. She has put up with a lot of my crap just like I have her's. she hasn't been an honest person in the first place and has given me many reason to snap even with out a trigger. Her ex wife called me and told me some things and this hurt so much that ever other day I create things in my head as the ex is still involved because there is a child between them. I dont know I the ex is telling the truth but I feel in my gut she is as I know my partner is sneaking and well some what a closet womanizer.
I am battling myself I dont know if I am coming or going on most days and its not people from my world its people from my partners world. a few have opinions on me because of my past.
Removed link to private blog Guideline 1.13 this was started 15 years ago as a healing process to take my mind of things. Well my ex is still trying to stay with me even though I through her out. Since finding out about my borderline last month she tells me she isnt going to give up on me nor will she go away she will wait as long as it takes for me to get better. I have been bold enough this time to tell her I cant get better with her in my life because her of her ex, a few family, and friends are my triggers. I am dissociated from her and have this feeling of nothing inside for her. I know I love her and I want to forgive her to move on but my brain will not allow me to move anything. I am seeing a therapist this will be my 6th session I am scared, confused, lonely, and lost. I pray and ask for guidance I dont want to continue to punish her nor myself. I start DBT next month I hope this helps I need to fix things in my head
