Does the ageing process intensify certain challenges with a BPD parent?

[anyplacesafe]

I currently feel like I'm backsliding. My relationship with my mother (undiagnosed) had improved over the past 18 months. But lately I've been caught between her and my partner again. My mother suddenly seems to be ageing fast, and over this weekend I've really struggled with e.g. her rewriting of history, speaking over people, sudden temper, and the bad feelings I get. I feel how I felt at square 1, i.e. that ANY attempt to move forward or improve my life would cause unendurable chaos and crisis in response to her rage. I can't afford to be unable to work for a month because of my anxiety and that has happened before. I'm trying to force myself to keep to the Survivors' Guide, to stay productive, but honestly I just feel very low and very angry simultaneously.

Have other members found that the ageing process has intensified certain challenges with a BPD parent? And how do you cope with setbacks and feeling that the risk of change is just too great and too painful? I self-sabotage when I'm panicked, either by numbing and opting out, or getting so anxious I can't concentrate.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Anyplacesafe,

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with right now. I know my recovery was two steps forward one step back. So I guess there is a an element of backsliding, but that also supposes you must have made progress going forward at some point. Which is good.

I know how anxiety can paralyse you, my T once told me to close my eyes and say it will pass, because it always does. Easier said than done. What techniques do you use ?

I’ve never read anything that suggests BPD changes with age, except that treatment is best applied when young.  But do you need to worry about that just now ? Sounds like you should be focusing on yourself.  Does your mother absolutely need your attention right now or can someone else sort that out ? Can she sort herself out ? More importantly, what do you need right now to stay healthy ?  Here are some e-hugs  

[madeline7]

Hi anyplacesafe,

I have an elderly uBPDm and in my specific case, things have intensified as she has aged due to the change in her circumstances. Most notably, becoming widowed and moving to be closer to her children. Change is never easy for her, and these huge life changes are almost impossible for her to bear. Now her manipulations and rages and silent treatments go "unchecked" because her main enabler (our Dad) is no longer here to mirror her moods. Yet at the same time, I am older (and wiser), and have really pieced together what is going on, so although the situation is soo challenging and feels impossible at times, I am not as wrapped up in the FOG as I used to be. I know I can not fix her, and I am moving towards acceptance very slowly. Be sure to practice good self care.

[zachira]

It is more difficult to deal with my 98 year old borderline mother as she ages, in part because she is now house bound and limited in what she can do, and all she wants to talk about are my failures in life. Before I could get her away from these inappropriate topics by having other people around, doing things in public with her, etc., I am doing better in dealing with her because I have been in therapy since 2011, and I have learned to stay calm, and seem to for now to avoid falling into deep dark depressions, which I credit to my therapist helping me increase my ability to regulate my emotions, and to be overall a more resilient person. Number one with such a difficult parent, is setting boundaries, by limiting and/or avoiding contact as you do not owe an abusive parent your time or your money. It is so painful to have a mother who does not really have our best interests at heart, and dumps her own chronic dissatisfaction on her children who are the people in normal situations she would love with all her heart.