How am I supposed to respond without upsetting her?

[lostpartner11]

New member here.  My girlfriend was recently diagnosed with BPD, and is working to find a therapist to start DBT and get help.  She actually self diagnosed somewhat and was confirmed by a psychiatrist.  Our relationship has been very volatile, including myself breaking up with her  and then reconciling with her, and also including several breakups that she initiated multiple times over fights on things where she blew up and had her outbursts and nothing I could say could help calm her down and change her thinking on how much I love her and want a future with her... .  This has happened more times than I can count, many cycles of idealizing me and then one off thing happens and in a split second I'm literally the worst person that ever existed on the face of the earth and she wishes she never met me.  And then hours later or the next day her apologizing for being so mean and acting out and that she didn't really mean all the hurtful things she said, she was just angry and couldn't control herself.

I do love her with all my heart, more than I ever loved anyone before, but like I'm finding is common with BPD relationships, the good has been better than I ever have had and could imagine, but the bad times have been really bad.  

I have been doing a lot of research on BPD, and my role in things and how to mitigate situations and be a positive force and not negative or enabling things, reading a lot on here and elsewhere, read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells (my gf actually read the book too) which I found a huge help for understanding BPD and what it comes from and how to not take things so personal, how to validate and mirror their feelings.  I know now looking back on a lot of our previous fights before we were aware of her having BPD traits, that the way I reacted was not helpful, and I would justify/argue/defend/explain when we would get in arguments, and know that was just fuel on the fire, or I would get angry and say hurtful things back. 

Now understanding her differently, I have more compassion and empathy for her than ever before and I have not once gotten angry in times where she has her angry outbursts.  I am working as hard as I can to be there for her. I believe she will get better in time, and I think once she gets into recovery we could have an amazing relationship.  And I want to be there as a source of support for her as she goes through the journey of getting herself well, if she will allow me to be there for her. That being said, I still struggle how to respond sometimes when she puts me on the spot in testing me or trying to "measure" how much I love her or if I think she is good enough for me to have a future with me and start a family with.  

I am divorced from a previous relationship. 

A lot of our fights where she gets upset on things, and expresses doubts on how serious I am about us and wanting to be with her, or saying "I'm not good enough for you" or "you don't really love or care about me" stem from comparing our relationship and it's pace of progressing to my previous relationship/marriage. 

Every relationship is different, and things progressed pretty quickly there, but ultimately ended up falling apart.   

Tonight we had an amazing night out, things have been pretty good the last week, feeling really good after an early Valentines dinner, got home and were cuddling and she asks "When are we going to get married?"  I told her I get nervous when she asks that, along with trying to determine timelines not just on that but also how soon she can expect to have children with me (which I am wanting kids again in my future and see them with her), nervous when asked that because I get afraid that whatever answer I give if not exactly matching her timeline in her mind on how fast she wants to get married and have kids, will result in a fight and her thinking she's not good enough or I'm not serious enough about that future with her. 

I responded about getting married, saying "not 6 months, but not 5 years". I could realistically see us getting married in 2-3 years.  So she asked "2 years?" I said "yeah maybe, depends on how things go".  A lot of how fast things progress will depend on how stable things feel, how things go with her getting in to therapy, and me not being paranoid that everytime we have some sort of misunderstanding or disagreement that it result in her threatening to dump me, or actually dumping me and then coming back around the next day.

How is there any way for me to respond to her asking about how soon we will get married and have kids, that won't result in her thinking that because this relationship doesn't progress into living together and engagement and marriage as fast as my previous relationship, that it means I don't love her enough or I'm not serious about things?  How can I carefully say how fast we can get there can be heavily dependent on how fast things improve and the BPD behavior begins to get under control through the help of therapy, without triggering her? I don't want to lie to her and if she says I want to get married in 1 year from now, to have me lie and respond saying "yeah that's cool with me", when that seems hard to get to that fast. I don't want her breakup threats and dumping every 2 weeks to turn into divorce threats once we are married.  

Now when we have fights, a common expression of hers is saying I just make her life worse and that she should just be alone while she goes through therapy, because trying to do therapy while in a relationship will be too hard on her especially if I try to start being more assertive or put boundaries up so to speak on her behavior and how it affects me.

I try validating her feelings about worrying that I'm not serious about things, or her feeling adequate, but also try reassuring her she does mean the world to me and that I am serious about our future... .it's just the timing/pace that is the question.  But no matter how much I validate, if I respond with any future timeline that is not faster or equal to what she wants for her future, I fail and it leads to a fight and her storming out of my house and leaving.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi lostpartner11,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing so much of your story. There are a lot of positive things going on here and I want to acknowledge that you are doing the best you can with all of these issues.

It is good to be wary of breakup threats and to have your own timeline for how the relationship develops. I think a lot of partners (especially perhaps younger ones) would have a sense of what a timeline looks like and want to compare things, whether they have BPD or not. The BPD may just make it harder to deal with. Your partner will be more emotions based than logic/reason based and can really spin out over such issues.

I think the best thing you can continue to do is keep working on yourself and not getting lost in it - in the size and overwhelming at times scope of her emotions.

What do you think of the idea of her having time alone while she pursues therapy? How have you responded to that?

warmly, pearl.

[lostpartner11]

Regarding her going to therapy on her own... .My biggest fear is that her emotional fears of thinking that just because our relationship doesn't follow the same or faster timeline as my previous marriage, that she will dump me and think she is saving herself from being abandoned by me and that I'm not serious about our future.

I have thought about letting her have time alone while she goes through therapy, but that might sound good in theory to her and to some, but in this particular case even if she wanted to be alone and not get involved in any relationships, I have a really hard time seeing her actually doing that.  

She might want to, but if I let her have her alone time, I think she would see it as me giving up or just abandoning her, and she might try to be alone for a little while, but soon enough she would cross pass with someone, either out and about or online, and they would start to give her the attention she wants to feel whole, and think this new person is so much better and different and can offer so much more than I ever could,  and would easily fall into dating some new guy.   If I let her go on her own to do therapy and let her be, I don't think I could stay sane if I kept my hopes up that she would get well on her own and return back to me and I go several months waiting for her... .when really what might happen is she just replaces me in no time with some other new guy while she is going through therapy.

My biggest focus now though is learning to navigate responding to these questions of:

How is there any way for me to respond to her asking about how soon we will get married and have kids, that won't result in her thinking that because this relationship doesn't progress into living together and engagement and marriage as fast as my previous relationship, that it means I don't love her enough or I'm not serious about things?  How can I carefully say how fast we can get there can be heavily dependent on how fast things improve and the BPD behavior begins to get under control through the help of therapy, without triggering her?

[pearlsw]

Hi lostpartner11,

I wish I had something to offer that would solve this issue for you! Are you working with a therapist as well? If you have access to that it may help you to remain clear and solid about what you can and cannot offer your partner. While it is totally reasonable, given your history together, and your previous relationship, to want to find a timeline that works for you the pressures of her internal timeline and BPD  will be very strong. Again, BPD or not, when people have a different sense on such things it is not easy.  

You are right, I think, not to offer things that are not possible. You are right not to make false promises. You can explain this stuff, and validate her feelings, but then the tough part will be withstanding the pressures that come. I would try to keep the focus on other things and not let this become the main theme whenever possible. How will you keep yourself strong to handle such storms?

~pearl.

[lostpartner11]

If what am I'm feeling is... .that I don't want to get married or start having kids with a partner who has BPD that is untreated, or until they are undergoing treatment and I can actually see progress being made and well into recovery, how do I communicate that to her without triggering her?  I do want to get married again some day, and would like to have at least one more kid, it's just being cautious about starting a family until I know she is committed to getting BPD under control and into recovery.

[SunandMoon]

... .how do I communicate that to her without triggering her?  I do want to get married again some day, and would like to have at least one more kid, it's just being cautious about starting a family until I know she is committed to getting BPD under control and into recovery.

Wait until you are both calm and in a loving place, and then maybe have a heart-to-heart talk to her along the lines of "you were a lot younger when you first married and rushed into having a child without really understanding the consequences. Now you are older and want to take the time to develop a really strong relationship with her so that when you do have children, it will be forever". Something along those lines... .which also reassures her that you are planning for your future together.

If it feels safe, maybe also discuss that in your time together, you have both found out you have personal problems you need to address to make yourselves healthier: your codependency and her BPD. Assure her you want to support her while she does her therapy and work together to be the best versions of yourselves before you bring children into the mix.

If I let her go on her own to do therapy and let her be, I don't think I could stay sane if I kept my hopes up that she would get well on her own and return back to me and I go several months waiting for her... .when really what might happen is she just replaces me in no time with some other new guy while she is going through therapy.

Please don't be offended, but this screams codependency. You are trying to control the situation because of your own abandonment fears.

You said you are diagnosed and have been in therapy on and off... .have you considered returning to therapy to work more on your codependency?

This might be a good time to let her know that she is very brave to be facing her problems and that you are going to do the same, so that you can work together on bettering yourselves and your situation.

They key points are going through this together and working to build a stable future together with the goal of marriage and children.

[pearlsw]

Hi lostpartner11 and hi sunandmoon,

Wow sunandmoon, what you said here seems so helpful and insightful! Thank you for taking the time to write that out and express that!

What do you think of that lostpartner11? Did this speak to you?