Silent treatment - a practical exercise?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I didn't post much yet here. I have a lot more to learn than to teach.
One of these situations I need to train certainly is occuring now:
He doesn't communicate with words.
It is not the first time.
It won't be the last.
His silence lasts since a few days.
Actually, it is not entirely silent, because he uses more restricted "soundtracks": slamming doors, throwing my things on the floor, shouting on the dog, criticising me to himself or slanging in German...
The situation gets awkwards. Some times, I am a bit afraid, but I remain calm.
I don't know what his reasons are. I am not striving for them, although,  I kindly asked him if anything or I upseted him.
No.

So, I give him space.
I don't pick up things he had thrown on the floor.
I don't justify myself, but certainly forgot a few times to validate his feelings, because they are so many.
I do what needs to be done, and treat myself with books and walks (because I do enjoy these activities).
I try to find the posture with wich nothing can alterate my "joie de vivre".
I also feel stupid because I have to remind myself how to "stand".

Then, this afternoon, I had to run an errand and left home without mentioning I would leave for one hour to him. That was certainly wrong. I felt I didn't have to speak nor make any effort, as pretending every thing was fine.
He is "telling" me that when he is in this mood, I just have to accept.
I do not want to accept his behavior and the lack of basic communication even if I can understand he has a tempered state of mind.
When he will cool down, I will tell him what I don't accept.

When I was back from my errand, he entered the kitchen, helped himself in the fridge, filled up a plate and went in "his room" to eat alone, without any word.
He will probably spend the three next days and nights there.

What improved since the last times is:
- he doesn't kick the dog or furniture. I told him I feel not comfortable with this behavior.
- I don't feel awfully troubled as I was when this first occured (also because I learned here with all of you how to let go the situation when I could do nothing to help).
- I don't crave for an answer when there is none ( because it would be like questioning the universe).
 
Thank you for reading and fell free to comment.

[Margot Az]

I didn't post much yet here. I have a lot more to learn than to teach.
One of these situations I need to train certainly is occuring now:
He doesn't communicate with words.
It is not the first time.
It won't be the last.
His silence lasts since a few days.
Actually, it is not entirely silent, because he uses more restricted "soundtracks": slamming doors, throwing my things on the floor, shouting on the dog, criticising me to himself or slanging in German...
The situation gets awkwards. Some times, I am a bit afraid, but I remain calm.
I don't know what his reasons are. I am not striving for them, although,  I kindly asked him if anything or I upseted him.
No.

So, I give him space.
I don't pick up things he had thrown on the floor.
I don't justify myself, but certainly forgot a few times to validate his feelings, because they are so many.
I do what needs to be done, and treat myself with books and walks (because I do enjoy these activities).
I try to find the posture with wich nothing can alterate my "joie de vivre".
I also feel stupid because I have to remind myself how to "stand".

Then, this afternoon, I had to run an errand and left home without mentioning I would leave for one hour to him. That was certainly wrong. I felt I didn't have to speak nor make any effort, as pretending every thing was fine.
He is "telling" me that when he is in this mood, I just have to accept.
I do not want to accept his behavior and the lack of basic communication even if I can understand he has a tempered state of mind.
When he will cool down, I will tell him what I don't accept.

When I was back from my errand, he entered the kitchen, helped himself in the fridge, filled up a plate and went in "his room" to eat alone, without any word.
He will probably spend the three next days and nights there.

What improved since the last times is:
- he doesn't kick the dog or furniture. I told him I feel not comfortable with this behavior.
- I don't feel awfully troubled as I was when this first occured (also because I learned here with all of you how to let go the situation when I could do nothing to help).
- I don't crave for an answer when there is none ( because it would be like questioning the universe).
 
Thank you for reading and fell free to comment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Margot Az!   

The silent treatment is a very difficult thing to go through. My uBPDm quite often used the silent treatment, and now there are times when my husband will also react similarly.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent Treatment

It sounds as if you are taking healthy steps towards being so much more aware. Good for you! 

We welcome you to not only learn and read but also to jump in to other posts and encourage others with what you are learning. Your input is valuable and needed! 

 
Wools

[gotbushels]

Hi Margot Az  

I just wanted to hold out some good for you that came out of this. I share this because me too, it wasn't obvious to me (until later on) when I had to deal with difficult behaviour from the SO.

- he doesn't kick the dog or furniture. I told him I feel not comfortable with this behavior.

Kicking an animal and furniture is violent behaviour. He has stopped doing this right now. You told him you don't want him to do it, and you're getting it.

- I don't feel awfully troubled as I was when this first occured (also because I learned here with all of you how to let go the situation when I could do nothing to help).

I think this is a fabulous win. Getting your heart out of a tangle like that is a often a big deal.

- I don't crave for an answer when there is none ( because it would be like questioning the universe).

Yes!

[pearlsw]

Hi Margot Az,

Your post really intrigued me and I am sorry I could not reply sooner. I saw it when it first came up. It reminded of something I didn't realize before I started hanging out here... .that silent treatment itself is a form of abuse.

I know with all we go through with our partners it actually sometimes seems like a relief - a relief from anger or insults or all kinds of mistreatment.

Personally I think silent treatment can be pretty hard to implement strategies for... .but there are some that you will find on the workshops board here. I will share the link to the entire board so you can see the range of topics: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

What got him to stop kicking the dog? Do you find it hard to assert/hold boundaries?

Please keep posting and engaging here. It can sometimes take awhile to find one's niche, but I assure as others get to know your story they can and will offer more support!

warmly, pearl. 

[Margot Az]

Thank you all for your positive feedback. This provides a balm for a troubled spirit indeed.
Yes, Gotbushels, it is a fabulous win, over myself most certainly, to get my heart out of the tangle. The real matter has nothing to do with loving or not.
Since last December, as I discovered your website, I became aware of the need to react in a healthy way to something that sounded totally new to me.
And yes, I will try to participate more actively.
Pearl, setting boundaries was never an issue for me before I met this man 3 years ago. I am 54, had a good life so fare. I don't mean it was always easy, but I never had to deal with such turmoil, presonnaly.
Setting boundaries is getting a problem, because when one is "assimilated", he would try something else soon after. It's exhausting. It's like a permanent test. I realised slowly how an insidious process it has been. I am also reluctent to set boundaries sometimes because of my own reflexes: it's infantilizing to tell an intelligent adult how he should behave. Most of the times, I remain neutral to his acts, when they are not armful to anyone, because I noticed he would confront himself on his own soon afterward. He is excellent at analysing! Nevertheless, the risk that he might believe that I accept everything is obvious.  Otherwise, and that sounds contradictory, when I just say "no, I don't want this", he merely obeys, as a 4 years old kid would. However, anytime he gets "mad", I understand well he is not acting against me, but against some botomlless parts of himself.
We feel vulnerable for real reasons in front of our partners, whose desease (what ever it is) make them even more vulnerable. Their way to shift from inside to outside is understable.  
I hope you can all improve your situation and avoid or relieve the pain. I would  end here for tonight by saying it is most important to stand by ourselves.  What I experiment tells me that it's the only way to envision any relationship and specifically this type.