Mother so abusive over the last months that I have had to contact police

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, as I am sure you are all aware, this is incredibly hard to start and I have never joined a group online before but I am at my wits end.

I believe I have a mother with undiagnosed BPD Which we have all in my family put down to depression and general undiagnosed mental illness. Undiagnosed because my mother does not want to seek help or support she refuses to acknowledge that she has any problem and that me, my brothers and my father are all to blame for her anger and mental health.

I am in my early forties and for all of my life my mum has been emotionally abusive. I say abusive, as having recently reached the end of my tether trying to manage the situation and keep going back, I have now sought professional help for myself and been assessed as a victim of domestic abuse.

I read a post on here yesterday which made me weep as I could have written it word for word and it is hugely comforting to know I am not alone.

I don’t want to be judged here but I could really do with some helpful advice if anyone has any to offer, things have become so abusive over the last couple of months that I have had to contact the police and they have told my mum not to contact me. She has not listened and has instead ramped up the abuse and I am now at a point where I need to consider an injunction. I wondered if anyone else on here had been in this situation and how they dealt with it?

Thanks!

[peaceseeker500]

Hi, as I am sure you are all aware, this is incredibly hard to start and I have never joined a group online before but I am at my wits end.

I believe I have a mother with undiagnosed BPD Which we have all in my family put down to depression and general undiagnosed mental illness. Undiagnosed because my mother does not want to seek help or support she refuses to acknowledge that she has any problem and that me, my brothers and my father are all to blame for her anger and mental health.

I am in my early forties and for all of my life my mum has been emotionally abusive. I say abusive, as having recently reached the end of my tether trying to manage the situation and keep going back, I have now sought professional help for myself and been assessed as a victim of domestic abuse.

I read a post on here yesterday which made me weep as I could have written it word for word and it is hugely comforting to know I am not alone.

I don’t want to be judged here but I could really do with some helpful advice if anyone has any to offer, things have become so abusive over the last couple of months that I have had to contact the police and they have told my mum not to contact me. She has not listened and has instead ramped up the abuse and I am now at a point where I need to consider an injunction. I wondered if anyone else on here had been in this situation and how they dealt with it?

Thanks!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ellie500,



I'm so glad that you decided to reach out for support by posting. This sounds like an extremely difficult situation. You've found a great place for support and tools that can help. You are definitely not alone. 

I commend you for seeking professional help for yourself. That is such an important step in the recovery process.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what behaviors have you been dealing with?

Are your siblings and father supportive and are you in regular communication with them?

Keep posting, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Panda39]

Welcome Ellie500 

I'm so glad you decided to jump in and post.  You are most definitely not alone everyone one on this site has someone in their lives with BPD or BPD traits.

I'm sorry to hear that the problems with your mom have been escalating and I think it's good for your own well being to put some distance between the two of you while things are in such a heightened state.  You've set a boundary and in my opinion boundaries are key when you have someone in your life with BPD.  Boundaries are about us, our values, and protecting ourselves and our values.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I don’t want to be judged here but I could really do with some helpful advice if anyone has any to offer, things have become so abusive over the last couple of months that I have had to contact the police and they have told my mum not to contact me. She has not listened and has instead ramped up the abuse... .

Your mom ramping up the abuse is most likely because you have set a boundary.  When a boundary has been set and enforced this can cause an Extinction Burst... .things get worse before they get better.

More on an Extinction Burst... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Here is my simplified analogy of setting a boundary... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. (This doesn't mean the little kid won't test the boundary again the next time they go to the store with mom)

Hang in there and take care of you 

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

Hi Ellie,

So sorry you are having to deal with all this, it is technically domestic abuse, but people with BPD will never see it that way, so if its any consolation it’s not personal.

I had a very violent bro, as well as BPD mom, so you’ve done the right thing contacting the Police. Take advice from them on how to stay safe. But they generally care about what the crowd thinks, so avoid being alone with your mum. Stick to firm boundaries, which I know will be so difficult when shaken up, but it does get easier. Use this forum for validation and grounding. As many questions as you want, we children of BPD tend not to judge (spent too many years being judged by BPD). You have our support.

In addition to your safety, you may need help with the trauma of all this, have  you contacted your Dr ? I know my BPD was good at provoking paranoia so getting therapy actually made me feel safer.  If its any consolation, once my NPD went on the Police radar, he shrank back and I’ve been NC ever since. My BPD  was more aggressive, she threw everything she had at me. But if someone with BPD knows they can’t manipulate you with F.O.G. they soon lose interest and go looking for a replacement. They need narcisstic supply. So if you stick to boundaries, it should get better, might not feel that way, but it did for me. Please feel free to vent your frustrations, folk on here general get it. Best of luck, keep us posted.   

[Turkish]

This sounds pretty severe Ellie. And concerning that your mother is ignoring the police. What did she do to initiate law enforcement involvement?

Do you feel unsafe? This threat assessment tool may help you determine your level of risk:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

We also have a safety plan which can help you: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

What are your thoughts? Is there anyone in your life who knows about what's going on who can support you?

Turkish

[peaceseeker500]

Gosh thank you all for your supportive comments. It makes such a difference not being alone. I am very lucky that I met a wonderful supportive man 6 years ago who is now my husband and I think the strength of having someone there who supports me unquestioningly has definitely made me stronger.

Part of the issue is that with that strength has come the decision to stand my ground for once and not go back at the first threat, tear or tantrum. Your comments about setting boundaries are absolutely right. Over the past year or so I have been having counselling and this helped me try to set some initial boundaries.

In the first instance I asked my mum to stop talking negatively to me about my father or siblings and their wives and said I would not engage if she did. We managed that for a while. I also tried to set some rules allowing her to vent about health issues and other negative things when I went round but asked that we spent at least half an hour per visit talking about the nicer things in life. My mum never asks me what is going on in my life, I always have to throw it in as an after thought at the end of a couple hours of telling me how awful everyone and everything in the world is.

This latest bout which has tipped me over the edge started as my mum had been cyber stalking my father who she divorced over 20 years ago and has spent every day since trying to get my brothers and I to cut off contact from. She went looking for stuff about him online and when she found something she didn't like she once again started shouting at all of us about how we were all dreadful for not supporting  her and throwing all the awful things she thinks we have done to her over the years.

She goes through cycles so I get a number of messages and calls which are all angry then I get the abusive threatening messages then the tears, followed by messages as if none of it happened at all. This time, she demanded my husband and I take back any stuff she had asked us to store for her. I know this was just an excuse to get us to go back over so initially ignored. I had asked for her to give me some space as I was not coping and needed a break as I wasn't strong enough help her. This was when the abusive messages ramped up.

I contacted the police to help meet her demands of returning her stuff without putting myself or my husband in a position of having to be in the house alone with her. No charges have been made, the police simply told her not to contact me further or it could lead to action being taken. This bought a couple of days respite before the telephone calls started. Initially the tears again begging me to go round, then the anger and hatred that this is all down to my husband. Finally the threats that she would go to my work and let them know what an awful person I am and try to get me fired.

I have managed to find some great support from an abuse charity who are helping me work through things and I am going to attend a women's group for the first time next week! that along with more counselling.

It just makes me so sad that I am out there trying to get as much support as I possibly can to keep myself safe  and sane while my mum just refuses to acknowledge that she needs help and says I am the only person who can help her or that she trusts. I just don't have the strength to do any of it anymore after years of keeping on going back no matter what she throws at me.

Trying to go NC is absolutely the last resort for me but leaves you full of guilt, remorse and pain as well as dragging up all the things that have gone on in the past and wondering if you could have done anything more.

Sorry, bit of brain dump! Now I have worked out how to log back into here, I will try to do it a bit more often so I can stop things building up in my head quite so much!

thank you for your help. I will take a look at the articles below which look really helpful. The extinction burst stuff looks particularly interesting.

 

[phantomglitter]

Welcome Ellie500!

I can see myself in so much of your story. My mother has often used tactics such as public humiliation (they love an audience... .), controlling me with money or food or permission for activities, or guilt. So much guilt. You convince yourself that no one else is going to help her if it isn't you, and that you HAVE to do everything in your power to fix it, because otherwise you're a horrible, heartless human being. It's a constant pity party all about her. I felt completely powerless, like I had no choice in the matter but to be her constant source of energy and validation, and her punching bag.

The first time I REALLY stood up to her was almost 8 years ago (she made this unreasonable demand that we (her children) had to set up a gazebo in the middle of the night, on a school night, right after getting home from getting drinks with her friends). I told her that no, we would not be setting up the gazebo because we had school the next day, and no one had eaten yet (if we ate when she wasn't there, or if we ate the wrong thing I'd often get a lot of abuse) and we needed to sleep. She got upset with me, told me I didn't care about her, and told me to get my laptop and put it in her room because I was grounded for (yet another) 6 months. Grounded meant no electronics, not even for school, no going out, no school activities or outings, no friends, and spending a ton of time in my room. As you can imagine, I spent most of my teenage years alone. Anyway, when I went into my room she charged at me and strangled me and I defended myself for the first time. I told her never to touch me again, and I ran out. I was afraid to call the police, because I didn't want her to get in trouble. She ended up calling the police and told them I attacked her for no reason. They didn't believe me when I told them my story.

I let down my boundaries again after that, and recently tried it again. I met an awesome guy, my best friend, about 6 years ago, and he has really helped me see what healthy relationships are. This year has been a tough one (even though it's just begun) because of the stink my mom is putting up, but I have to stand up for my needs and my rights because she never did and it's not anyone else's job to do so.

All that to say that this is what I've learned: you matter, you have a choice, and things will get worse before they get better. Stay strong, surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you, practice making choices every day that are for you. NC, even if it's temporary, will do wonders for your inner strength. My goal is to have a relationship with my mother again some day. For now, I'm just not strong enough to deflect her attacks, and that's okay. I'm not saying no forever, just no for now.

Another thing I found helpful was this: Your mother looks like an adult, has the responsibilities of an adult and has the power of an adult. Her emotions, however, are stunted. My mother is incredibly successful, looks well put together, is charismatic, and has the image of the perfect strong, single mother. Emotionally, she is at the level of a toddler. I'm not trying to insult or patronize people with BPD, but they cannot regulate or deal with their negative emotions at an adult level. I work with toddlers. I have found that using techniques that I would use with children having a meltdown have had success with dealing with my mother.

For example, a toddler may ask you for 3 cookies. You say, no it's almost dinner time. You can have ONE cookie after dinner. The toddler throws a tantrum. There's screaming, crying, yelling, "I hate you!", "You're not my friend anymore!", hitting, etc. If you give in, the child learns that tantrums work, and they repeat the behaviour. If you don't, they eventually realize that they've just wasted a ton of energy into something that won't yield results and they try something else. Sometimes, they try acting nicely. That's hard. Then you feel bad saying no because you want to reward good behaviour, but the request is inappropriate. This can lead to another tantrum because they're frustrated that they can't get what they want when they want it. This repeats and eventually they learn. That's exactly what my mom has been doing for years. I used to be so much more afraid of her, because she was so unpredictable. If I see her as a toddler, suddenly the behaviour makes sense. She can't express her complex emotions, like being disappointed with you while still loving you, or guilt, or frustration, or fear. She just gets angry and acts out. Unlike with a toddler, however, who needs to be taught by adults, your mother IS an adult, and it is not YOUR job to teach her how to deal with her feelings. What you can do is take care of yourself and teach her how she is allowed to treat you.

Hope something in there was helpful, lots of love your way.