I find out the hard way when I've relaxed too long in monitoring his activities

[PowderGirl]

Hi, I'm new here but I've been on another related site for four years. I've read several of the recommended books. I do see improvements in application of how I respond and building up my own self-esteem and support system. I still am not able to figure out Boundaries that don't involve leaving.

The more severe aspects of my relationship are more than I can tolerate forever, (although it has been more than 14 years so far): lying, addictions, rages, random physical violence, throwing things, taking my things, he spent his mom's inheritance and used up her credit cards then didn't pay them back, our funds disappear without explanation and when I ask about it he ignores me or rages to get me to drop it.

I want to layout boundaries, but it seems like leaving short-term (for example during a rage) just resets him so he can forget that he did any of it. We sleep separately for the past year as a boundary, but although he complains once in a while, it's not enough to induce changes. It just eases both of our stress level to not deal with anything serious.

He was supposed to make an appointment for therapy that is all set up for him but he won't do it. Aggravating. We have many good days, but in the background I always know that he's still doing what he wants. I find out the hard way when I've relaxed too long in monitoring his activities. As he learns that I'm monitoring him, he changes my access. Some things I still find out, like that he's not repaying his traffic ticket or his taxes, or paying a bill on time that has my name on it. Asking him to change or offering alternatives lights up much of his bad behavior.

I've just finished the books, The Essential Family Guide to BPD and Stop Caretaking. Although I learned a great deal, now I actually have MORE empathy for his inner turmoil so I really feel stuck on how to communicate and proceed. I am looking forward to reading the stories of others here so I can learn more. Maybe I will better see the way through the maze.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Powder

Congratulations on making some inroads into changing your responses that seem to be helping. I'm sorry though that there are still issues that seem to come up over and over.

You mentioned physical violence. Was this physical violence towards you or throwing things around? When was the last time he became physical?

Boundaries are a tricky skills to learn for many of us nons. I think the main reason they are hard to figure out is because we don't know exactly what our boundaries are. Our boundaries are based out of our own values. They are fences that we put around ourselves to keep the good in and the bad out or they help us determine what is my responsibility vs. what is someone else's responsibility. The often wrongly held belief is that boundaries are there to change someone else's behavior when the reality is that boundaries change our behavior instead.

You mentioned that paying bills on time is a big struggle for your pwBPD and the ones that bother you the most are the late bills that have your name on them.

What are your values in regards to your own finances, timeliness of payments, and your credit score?

What are your responsibilities in regards to the finances and protecting your own financial interests?

What can you do to ensure that your financial boundaries are met?

What consequences might your pwBPD experience if you took care of your side of things?