Acceptance - what was hardest for you? How did it get easier?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

We adopted my DD20 when she was 17 and I volunteered with her for two years prior to that. Given her exceptionally traumatic past all of her behaviors always made sense to me - her trying to push us away, etc. It was very, very difficult for me to accept that she has BPD. It's also been really hard for me to accept that I cannot fix her. I really hoped that adopting her would help heal some of her hurt, and it has, but not enough.

It has also been really hard for me to accept my own limitations. I have gone to herculean lengths at times to help her. Especially when she was still in foster care and I was volunteering with her. I am a 'fixer', I fix things. Even at work, I get called in when things are falling apart. So my natural inclination is to lean in, try harder. To make matters worse, I have OCD. It's been treated well for the better part of a decade (I'm 33!) but the stress and trauma of everything we've gone through with our daughter has made my symptoms flare up quite a bit. I have a great therapist thankfully. The point being, though, that it was so hard for me to accept that I pushed myself so far that now even requests from my daughter that seem somewhat reasonable I cannot handle. It makes me feel like a terrible parent. My OCD kicks in and makes me spiral. I finally decided to 'accept' that maybe i'm a 'bad' mom (in her eyes). If being a 'bad' mom means I am sane, that's okay. It gave me a weird sense of comfort.

What was/has been hardest for you to accept? How did it get easier?

  to everyone!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

hi hyacinth bucket

I think some of our "fixing" goes with the territory of being a mum.  We've always been there for our children and want the best for them, and I suppose that there are many stages of letting go.  As adults we have to watch them fall and always be there when they do.  The question for me, now I understand a little more about BPD, is in what capacity should we as parents be there.  I know with my DD27, I gave too much and lost me in the process... .still trying to get that balance right for me and my daughter.

I'm struggling to accept the reality of BPD and I know I will struggle with limitations and boundaries.  The fear again being that limitation setting will elicit another period of no-contact.

Thanks for posting, I will be interested to see what others have to say.  hope you are doing well

Merlot :-)

[bpdmom99]

Going through everything with my daughter has helped me realize how strong I am. And how that strength can - at times - hinder her ‘stepping up to the plate’ to take responsibility for her own wellness.

I always thought I could have unending strength. And perhaps I really can. But my ‘aha’ came more from realizing that if I keep doing things for her (including rescuing her, canceling plans, giving all of my emotional and physical self to her), she will never have a chance to realize how strong she is. And I strongly believe that those who deal with BPD daily are among some of the strongest people I know!

So I had to radically accept that this is our life. This is her life. And there is very little I have control over - no matter how much I read, work on my communication style, set boundaries, etc. I have to let go of what I can’t control. There is lots that I can do. But there is just as much that I can’t do.

It has literally changed my life. Everything is still moment to moment, but all I can do is accept each moment as it comes and go from there.

Good luck!

[bluek9]

Hyacinth, I feel for you, just like the 2 other posts said: strength and knowing your own limitations comes into play daily. For me it was when my BPDD was 16, her behavior, fear, parinoia and hatred towards me was just more than I could take. I was single mom working full time at a high stress job and still trying to keep my sanity with her around. I finally lost it one day, called her case manager and said "come get het or I'm putting her out on the curb"! That was my melt down moment. I had no support, no one to turn to for help. It took a week to make arrangements for her, she went into a nursing home because in the state mental health system where we lived she fell through the cracks, needed help but not that much help, aahhh. Before the day I took her there I cried all day. What a horrible mother I was, all I was doing was getting rid of my child. I finally came to the conclusion that she needed more (in so many ways) than I could give or provide. It helped me to understand that I'm not "all knowing, I can't be perfect and do it all". My baby needed some place to be where I knew she would get help, be taken care, of looked after. That was my moment of knowing this would be forever bigger than both of us. 
    It was such a dark time in my life, it was also a turning point. I had to go looking for help and find whatever ways I could of making her life something she wanted. Right now she is 35 and we are in a calm of 2 months. I'll take it. Finding this site has been a saving grace for me, to be able to share moments that range from insanity, darkness, melt downs to peace and calm, that means everything; because I now whoever reads my posts understands. In my world that means alot.
    I too am OCD, I make that work for me by coloring, gardening something that gives the obssesiveness a point of focus. Breath, you will find a way.

[Huat]

I do so hope that all, especially the Newbies, are doing their homework and reading through threads like this one.  Great posts by some pretty strong Moms.

Group Hug!  

Huat   ; )



 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you so much for all the lovely posts!