Changes in personality/behaviour

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anyone else notice that your NPD/BPDs personality was different when you knew they were cheating/into someone else/moving on.

I noticed with my ex girlfriend that when she was cheating and ending it with me. Last 2 times saw her it was like I didn't know her anymore. Totally different person. Cared about different things in such small time frame

[Gunit1]

Anyone else notice that your NPD/BPDs personality was different when you knew they were cheating/into someone else/moving on.

I noticed with my ex girlfriend that when she was cheating and ending it with me. Last 2 times saw her it was like I didn't know her anymore. Totally different person. Cared about different things in such small time frame

[SlyQQ]

look at mirroring

[Gunit1]

Understand the mirroring but if they are lying about cheating and whole facade is a lie, why don't they make it less obvious and act same as always have with you. It's almost a give away.

[Turkish]

I agree that understanding mirroring could explain some things:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Mirroring

You can find a lot of answers in the threads marked with an "I" on this board:

Library: Psychology questions and answers

My ex became like a different person when she was still living with us yet living her double life. She came back to more of her emotional (identity?) Baseline the last month before she left.  She was a 31 year old professional woman dating a 21 year old college football jock. 

After she left,  she even brought our kids on campus to visit him. 

She grew her hair out long to change to the color,  looking younger.  It was an odd transformation to see. 

Mirroring is mentioned here most often pejoratively in order to make sense of drastic and confusing changes in personality.  It's a coping behavior related to both insecure attachment style as well as a fragile or incomplete identity.  People with BPD traits aren't will differentiated. 

Mirroring in and of itself isn't bad though.  We do it all of the time,  and it's a validating communication, often nonverbal.  Little children need healthy mirroring from their caregivers as they grow to develop their seperate identities as individuals.  It's like magic to look my kids in their eyes face to face and tell them "I love you." They melt.  I hope it inoculates them against meltdowns in the future 

For my ex,  who caught her dad in bed with another woman when she was 6, she never got that,  nor from her mother.  Dr. Craig Childress likens pwBPD (and NPD) as "abused children all grown up." They may be searching for that validation and healthy mirroring they never received as children.  Peers aren't parents,  however. 

[Gunit1]

Mine I noticed she cared less about what people thought as did the guy she was seeing, she seemed more aggressive but also noticed she changed what she would normally wear. Colours ect she never wear. She is 35 but also very anal about her blonde hair, only expensive products go into it but when thought she was acting so weird and thought had mental breakdown she dyed pink through her hair. Something that she would NEVER normally do. Lots little things but just weird how I knew her and that person seemed totally gone so quick.

[Gunit1]

With me I feel at start she did mirror a bit but I feel over the whole relationship I started mirroring her more becuase she was so self centred I probably felt I had to so she wouldn't leave and to make her happier.

But in doing so by the end I became a jealous, manipulative, controlling person which is was the entire time! I wasn't like that before and most the rel. She is a compulsive liar which I can say I never lied to her.

[clytie]

I didn't know that my ex had BPD or had an affair when we were married. When I think of past, I realize that he changed a lot during his affair. His choice of books, hobbies, clothes and future plans  all changed. My ex has two names and he had always preferred to use his first name until he met his affair partner. After discovering his affair, I learned that he even changed his choice of name. He has begun to use his second name now.  He is still with that woman and seems madly in love with her.

[Gunit1]

I didn't know that my ex had BPD or had an affair when we were married. When I think of past, I realize that he changed a lot during his affair. His choice of books, hobbies, clothes and future plans  all changed. My ex has two names and he had always preferred to use his first name until he met his affair partner. After discovering his affair, I learned that he even changed his choice of name. He has begun to use his second name now.  He is still with that woman and seems madly in love with her.

How long did your relationship last and how long has been with the new person?

[The Cat in d Hat]

I was dealing with her sending me songs, and they'd reflect her tone when she talked, which was in constant flux. Towards the last week or two her behavior had changed.

The last time she broke it off, she sent me Eminem's song "River", whether she was referring to herself cheating on me, or to me possibly about to cheat on her when i had just said i was going to meet a female friend tonight who loves my car (she on the other had didn't like it, said it was a waste of money, even thought she constantly impulsively blew 1000s on bags and watches).

I have no idea what she as referring to, and when i told her she's just a friend relax, she said she was just sending a song. I never met this person so no real way of knowing

you can go take a look at my experience

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=211523845842f0029aec5faeafee7508&topic=321313.10#top

good luck

[Maxpax2011]

I would have to agree with the changes in behavior, I actually posted about this last week as I saw a sudden and drastic change in my exes behavior since our break up. When we were dating she was very classy, ladylike, I always joked with her about how she looked because she always looked like a professional banker type. Only drank socially, loved Valentine's day as well as other holidays. Always presented herself very appropriately on her social media. She never flaunted our relationship, we did enjoy posting our activities and pics, however it was done in an appropriate way. I never pressured her about her eating habits or her weight, because I liked her just the way she was, but I did want her to be healthy. But since our break up, she has become more low class, heavy drinking and going to local dive bars with the new partner has been the norm for her. Wears excessive amounts of make up to cover up the effect the alcohol has been having on her looks. Now acts very obnoxious and crude on her social media. Flaunts their relationship excessively, even sharing crude information about their private life. They did not celebrate Valentine's together, she went to the gym. She has become obsessed with losing weight, practically starves herself now. She has been cutting out long term friends and family members. So yes it is a common theme that their behavior does in fact change, sometimes in drastic ways after a break up. She is nothing like the woman I knew when we were dating. Very sad.

[SlyQQ]

What is sad is it was the same woman you were dating Max

[Maxpax2011]

What is sad is it was the same woman you were dating Max

No she wasn't. The woman I dated was not who she is now, the woman I dated was an illusion. She was not real. It was more her mask to get me to fall in love with her, but like all masks, they crumble into dust, and the sad part is, we are left with the dust. And they move on to mirror someone else.

[Gunit1]

Did you ever or still do have hard time believing person you were with has BPD or npd? I do even though it's all there and even theripst said best to her knowledge it was.

My ex wasn't diagnosed but she would never ever go talk to someone. She is to stubborn to believe she isn't right and perfect.

I don't want to believe the person I was with all that time and had many happy moments with was complete fake and gone but unfortunately you have too.

[Turkish]

Did you ever or still do have hard time believing person you were with has BPD or npd? I do even though it's all there and even theripst said best to her knowledge it was.

My ex wasn't diagnosed but she would never ever go talk to someone. She is to stubborn to believe she isn't right and perfect.

I don't want to believe the person I was with all that time and had many happy moments with was complete fake and gone but unfortunately you have too.

My ex once came to me and said that she thought she had some kind of attachment disorder.  I kept my mouth shut.  

The disorders are decided by committee, and things change between DSM revisions.  

A Dx may provide answers,  and be somewhat validating, but there are members on the Bettering Board whose partners have the Dx. At the end of the day,  we are all all left with learning to deal with the behaviors, and a person, not a diagnosis.

When my ex told me that, I was like "duh!" When my mom told me that three years later it felt anti-climactic.

People can cause a lot of pain,  :)x or not.

[Alf17]

Sure they do!

I couldn´t believe what mine was doing to me when she dumped me. She was asking me for some money about a present she gave me, and she has awlays been so generous. She wasn´t able to be reasonable at all and she always was. She ended up even insulting me, accussing me about stuff I should been accussing her, which I deciden not to do... .

It´s a very big shock and sthing really hard to accept, because you feel like someone changed your loved one for the completely opposit!... .But that´s the way they do it!

[Gunit1]

Sure they do!

I couldn´t believe what mine was doing to me when she dumped me. She was asking me for some money about a present she gave me, and she has awlays been so generous. She wasn´t able to be reasonable at all and she always was. She ended up even insulting me, accussing me about stuff I should been accussing her, which I deciden not to do... .

It´s a very big shock and sthing really hard to accept, because you feel like someone changed your loved one for the completely opposit!... .But that´s the way they do it!

Do u think it's definitely BPD? I can relate to some stories but others aren't same as mine. I guess they all act differently. Mine was even still trying to have a baby with her bf while sleeping with me! And when we agreeing this had to end she said what if I want to start up again after I have the baby? To me she also seems to fit the sociopath bill as well. I thought BPD had some morals...