New to this community and feeling helpless and angry

[tristeza]

Hello,

It is the first time I sign up on a support community. I am not exactly sure of what to expect, but I am just in hope to receive guidance, help and insight from others that are more familiar with BPD. I am 38 yrs old and was diagnosed with MS in 2016. I live with my mother (who I believe my may BPD/ Narcisstic) I have always struggled to make her happy and proud... .until recently (2 month ago) My own MS illness and her emotional abuse have placed me in a depression state that I am struggling to overcome. I feel helpless and I feel angry... .I just have several emotions within me and ... .here I am... .trying to find the hope and strength that I need to pull out of this depression stage.  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tristeza,   

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now. I found this forum very helpful in validating my  BPD childhood. It was good to know I wasn’t alone. Also this forum was great for centering me. When we get wound up and empotional, its helpful for others to ground you, maybe give a few tips. There are lots of tried and tested meathods on here for getting the best out of someone with BPD. In addition, we need to readjust away from the BPD dysfunction, and there are lots of techniques on here to help us do that. So do feel free to contribute to the threads, always easier when it doesn’t involve us. Apparently helping others can lift us.

Sometimes taking control, having a plan can lift us. So what do you ideally want to happen ? Feel free to post about whatever's on your mind and welcome.   

[heartandwhole]

Hi tristeza,



I'm sorry to hear of your feelings of helplessness and anger. That is very understandable under the circumstances. Dealing with MS and an abusive environment sound extremely challenging. You are not alone, and there is hope for things to get better.

What behaviors have been the most stressful for you, tristeza? How are you coping with your symptoms of MS—do you have medical and emotional support?

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you. We care. 

heartandwhole

[Ziggiddy]

Hi tristeza,
It's great that you joined in a forum to get support and encouragement. It must be very difficult to manage considering you have MS - it makes a hard situation even more difficult. I applaud you for continuing to try and keep on top of things in your life. Depression is no joke and MS can be very demanding on your resources just keeping life and soul together.
It's quite natural that you have tried to please your mother - even in normal healthy families that's pretty standard. if there is BPD/NPD it's a lot of work for very little reward and it can feel like you can't get much right.

What was it that led you to thinking your mother has BPD/NPD? Was it a specific incident or were there some symptoms that you noticed that led you to that conclusion?
This was also the first forum I ever signed onto and it was crucial in helping my recovery. After being splashed around by the great waves of BPD/NPD it was a calm oasis of human compassion to come here and hear what others had to say. It was the very first validation I ever had and I hope it can benefit you in the same way.
It'd be great to hear more of your story
Big hugs
Ziggiddy

[tristeza]

Hi All,

Here is a little more about me... .
My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 years old. I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me. I never saw my father again. My mother struggled very much and worked very hard to raise my sister and I. it is something I have always admired. When my sister and I were growing up, my mom was always very overprotective. we were not allowed to have friends, because my mom would say people are trouble and that friends always back-stab you. My mother was very strict. and her mood would go from sweet to a full blown rage. At home we were not allowed to make a mistake because she would got out in a rage or verbal, emotional and physical abuse. If I would spill a bit of of milk- she would get super upset and would call me a stupid piece of SH*** or an idiot, etc... .Everyday my sister and I felt ansious on what my moms mood would be like. There were real good days when i felt happy and then there where these days where I felt scared, anxious ... .almost afraid to breath or make a sound. 
When I turned 15yrs of age - I started working full time while going to school at the same time. I would give my mom all my money to help out with the bills. I have worked full time since. never stopped working. I never went out with friends and until this very day I dont have a friends. I never went to prom or did anything a normal person does while growing up... .I would stick by her rules because I knew that if I disobeyed she would go off in a rage and I wold pay the consequences. 
As I kept getting older my mom would control my sister and I more and more... .we werent allowed to express our opinion, she was always right and only what she would say was the truth of everything. She always criticizes others in rude ways and says she does it cause she is right, but if anyone tries to contradict her or offer her feedback she lashes out and thinks the are bad people. She is very black and white thinking... .Only her emotions, thoughts and needs count.
When my sister turned 16 (I was 18) - my sister ran away. this was devastating for my mom because it was something that was out of her control. The police didnt find my sister and when my sister turned 18 she called the police to notify she was no longer missing and was ok. Her name was removed from the missing people list. BUT she still didnt come home or want to have any contact with us.
During the whole time she was not part of our life my mom always blamed me for my sisters action. She would say things - you probably helped her, you know where she is, you keep in touch, and you plotted all this, you are probably leaving next. The truth was that i honestly didnt know where my sister was. My mom grew mote controlling of me and would continue to verbally and physically abuse me. She would throw things at me or hit me if I had made a mistake... .or is she thought i was not agreeing. I grew up with fearing her and learned to try to please her in every way shape and form to avoid her lashing out at me. but no matter what I would do, she would always lash out... .mood was always happy - to extreme anger.
in 2006 (i made a type in my original post) In 2006 I was not feeling well and lost vision in my left eye. I woke up one day and couldnt see from that eye. I went to the hospital and they ran MRIs, they thought perhaps a tumor... .turns out they discovered I have multiple sclerosis (MS). When the doctor gave me the news I was in shock... .i didnt have a chance to cry because my mom started to cry uncontrollably and I had to comfort her. I had to make her feel better and I felt gulty for bringing the sadness or make her cry. years have passed and I have suffered changes from the MS. Back then I was 26 years and now I am 38. At the moment I am walking with a cane because my leg is getting weak. I have been hospitalized many times and I never got back the vision in my left eye. I only have one good eye. the left eye see pitch black. My mom stopped working two years after I was diagnosed. Luckily I finished school in 2003 and graduated as electronics engineer. After my mom stopped working she had diabetes, blood pressure and weight problems, sleep apnea, and back problems. her illness and symptoms are always supposed to be #1 in my list otherwise she lashes out at me. All these years I have caring for her like a baby and yet she treats me bad. she verbally and emotionally abuses me  . I can never show that i feel sick because she cries and starts saying things like "you are sick and now who is going to take care of me. what did i do to deserve this, etc" My mom is still functional and very capable of taking care of herself. she is 57, she is just needy and has been used to me doing everything for her. In 2008 after my diagnosis my sister suddenly showed up and said "mom you are going to be a grandma" My mom has was happy to see my sister and my sister started to come by more often. She then moved to a building next to ours. turns out my sister came back because she had no husbad to help support her and had no money. Me being the only working - I helped my sister with money and helped taking care of my mom and niece. My sister works at a restaurant and has 12 hr shifts.
After all these years My moms will lash out at my sister for leaving and she continues to abuse me because I live with her. In december 2017 - my sister finally got tired of my moms moods and said she was going to look for a babysitter for my niece who is now 9yrs old. My niece would spend mon-friday with us and would be with my sister sat-sun. I raised my niece because my job gives me more flexibility and I can work from home on some days. this made my mom very upset and she lashed out at my sister. My sister now doesnt talk to my mom and she doesnt talk to me (even after all the help I gave her). She thinks I am on my moms side and my mom thinks I am on my sisters side. All of this has caused my mom to be more abusive to me. The stress in all this has flared up my MS and I am now having arrythmias that go up to 170bpm at rest due to all the anxiety. A month ago I decided to reach out for help because I started to have thoughts of suicide. I think i was very depressed because I was put on a heart monitor for a month and got very sick. And even after I was so sick my mom was still verbally abusing me. saying things like great now you are sick what a miserable life I live, i cant go out, etc. My therapist has picked up on a lot of symptoms and thinks my mom has BPD and perhaps even  Narcisstic disorder. My therapist has been helping me and i have learned to understand why mom behaves the way she does, but to be honest... .I am still lost on what i should do... .i am scared and i know that If i continue to get all this abuse my health can no longer withstand it for much longer. I read the book walking on eggshells and much of what is described there is what my mom is like. If I do what she says and behave she at times says I am a good daughter. If i disagree and make mistakes and i am scum. I feel emotional torn and I feel hopeless... .speaking with the therapist I understand that what I have lived is not normal. I used to think it was normal because I never had friends or a social circle to compare.
My doctor mentioned a possible heart attack if I dont control my arrythmias. Last night my mom was lashing out at me and I said "if you dont stop I will leave. I will go anywhere I dont care where but I will leave I dont want to havea  heart attack" . My mom says that If leave she will commit suicide.  i love my mom dearly and i feel empty and lost.  sorry for the long post... .if you read it all - I thank you for taking the time to listen

[No-One]

Tristeza:

I'm so sorry about what you have been through.  You have a lot on your plate with just your mom, but with MS, it's way more than anyone should have to deal with.  You deserve a lot of empathy, support and TLC.  Do you have any other family members or good friends who can offer you some support? I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist, to help you sort through this.

My mom says that If leave she will commit suicide.

You can't be responsible for what your mom chooses to do.  Threatening suicide can be a form of abuse.  Has your mom ever attempted suicide before? Has she ever had therapy? 

You might want to discuss this with your therapist?  It's best to have a Safety Plan in place and to know what you will do, if you think she is serious about suicide.  The link below can help provide info. for a Safety Plan.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

You deserve to have a safe environment to live in and some peace and quiet.  What are your thoughts about perhaps getting your own place?  What's possible? Is there somewhere you can go stay temporarily, for some peace and quiet.  Perhaps stay with a friend, or rent a room somewhere.

Does your mom have any relatives or friends to turn to?  Can she qualify for any public assistance or subsidized housing?

I can understand that this must seem very scary for you.  Perhaps a good place to start is with setting some boundaries with your mom (your boundaries for you to enforce) and learn some communication skills to help you with the way you interact with your mom and react to her.

If you go to the wide green band at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools" menu.  That can be a good place to start with learning some skills.  There is a link there to a lesson about boundaries.  What are some boundaries that you might want to start with? 

[HappyChappy]

No-One,

Wow what a wonderful daughter and sister you’ve been. The behaviour you describe is very BPD. I wouldn’t take it personal that your sister has turned her back. I use to be very close to my sister, but when I went NC, my sister was scared stiff of our BPD finding out, so much so our calls dwindled down to just the essentials. Do you think if you put boundaries between your BPDm and you, this would bring you closer to your sister ?

It sounds like you’ve come to a place where you can not ignore your own health, is that about right ? Sounds like you’ve done so much for your BPD mom, that to put yourself first is alien to you ? I went NC due to my health. It certainly helped me, I’ve since re-connected and my BPD is better behaved. Ignoring your BPD, what do you think you should do about what your Dr said ?