I'm Being Held Hostage Financially

[Initforlife]

Hello
I have an adult son, 30 years old, once diagnosed with BPD - but has refused to accept it.  Traits are identical to BPD traits.
Over the years, since he was a teenager,  I have gone bankrupt twice and paid almost 70K in bills, where I have been manipulated through"Help me or I will hurt myself"  - basically the Punisher and Self Punisher controlling behaviour.
He believes that me and my poor parenting, the abandonment of his father, and our extended family are the cause of all of his troubles.

My situation currently that I'm seeking advice for is this:
My son wants to leave town, because he hates this city - the city he grew up in, and says it is like a victim facing an abuser every day/

I have been paying his rent and many other expenses here for 8 months.  I am 60 years old, with absolutely no retirement fund - and he knows this.

He wants to leave town (a city in Canada) and go to Europe,  He lived in Berlin for a year and feels much more comfortable in a more progressive city.  (He is gay and has many tatoos)

I returned from working abroad with some savings and other than a downpayment on a car, almost all has gone to him.  I am working - and am already into overdraft of 2 thousand dollars and simply cannot help him.  

He is threatening to kill himself (again) if I don't... .plus he is not working or looking for work.  He just had a surgery recently which is healing up nicely, but prior to his he had a job for a short time, but did not get along with a co-worker, and ended up quitting.

Right now, he will not accept responsibility for his rent which is due in a few day - and the apartment is in my name.  I could lose my one month's security deposit - plus have to deal with all of the furniture removal etc. etc if he just walks away from it.  

I am currently on sick leave with severe pain due to spine issues, plus stress.

If I simply stop supporting him, he could end up on the street.
If I send him away to another place - he will have little to no money and could end up on the street.

Have any of you been in similar situations?  I don't know WHAT to do.
He said he would go into a hospital and be honest about wanting to commit suicide  - and stay for treatment, but he doesn't believe it would help, and would only be doing it for me.,

I've enabled him far too long... .and we are both in a pickle.

Signed
A Mom who needs to learn a new way... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Init,

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. You clearly love your son more than anything. It's also clear you've reached your limit. I'm glad you found this site; I have found it very helpful. There are a lot of great resources in addition to the comfort of talking to people who KNOW what you're going through. I'd highly recommend looking at the lessons and also reading some books such as "I hate you, don't leave me."

Putting boundaries in place with my DD20 has been the hardest thing I've ever done. But not having boundaries was figuratively and almost literally killing me. I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep. I was barely functioning. I get panic attacks thinking about having to say no to her, or even interact with her, sometimes. It's all so exhausting. But once I have said no, I feel better. I am regaining a sense of self. And since I've put these boundaries in place, she has actually started making progress. She has gotten better at empathizing with people and asks me how I'm doing. I try to be super honest with her about my stress levels (not necessarily telling her that it's due to her) so that she can start seeing me as a person. Not as the source of all that can fix her. I told her point blank that I cannot fix her and she has to fix herself. No one else can do it for her. She is starting to accept that.

I have also gone through the stages of grief and accepted that she might be homeless. She might OD on drugs and die. She might kill herself. She might decide to never speak to me again. But all of these things could happen with me 'helping' her anyway. You might consider finding a codependents anonymous chapter to attend. I think the first thing you have to accept is that you cannot control your son, and you have not control over his actions. I realized finally I was prolonging the inevitable by enabling her AND making myself miserable in the process.

The hospital sounds like the best thing for him. My daughter went the first time, insisting she was doing it for us. But it did help her. And it's a way you can help him without doing much. You can put him in an uber or give him the number to call for the hospital. I have found the SET method of responding very helpful (in tools). The truth part of that is usually what my limits are, how I can help or what I am not willing to do.

Do you have a therapist? if not look for one who is experienced with BPD. That was a big turning point for me. You need support. You DESERVE to be able to retire and enjoy your life. And please keep posting here. We all know what you are going through and are here for you.

Much love.

[Huat]

Hello Initforlife.  Welcome on board! 

Your post is certainly a head-shaker.  Needless to say, you have had your share of grief in relation to your son.  I am so, so sorry!  These children of ours can soon figure out what to do to hold us hostage... .keep us hostage.   God forbid that something unthinkable happens to them and then we, as parents, are left to wonder... ."what more could I have done?"  Bottom line, we are all doing the best we can - will do better when we know better.  What more can be asked of a person... .a parent?

Parts of Hyacinth Bucket's reply might be hard for you to read but it is written by another Mom who is walking down a similar path with her daughter and worried about the same kind of consequences.   It must have been difficult for her to write... ."But all of these things could happen with me 'helping' her anyway."  A fact.  We can try to influence others but, in the long run, they are the ones who decide what they will do.

I echo Hyacinth's question... .do YOU have a therapist?  If at all possible... .highly recommended!  You need all the support you can get because what is happening should not be allowed to continue.  Along with that, I do hope you stick with us.  Let us be your sounding board.  It is validating to be heard and not judged... .and you won't be judged here.

A ((HUG) to you, Initforlife!  Indeed, we are all "in it for life"... .and we here are all striving to make that life better... .and better.

Huat 

[dubiousraves]

Getting involved in Codependents Anonymous really helped me to learn to set boundaries and take care of myself. Once I actually started living it, the relief I felt was tremendous. My BPDD has gradually started to curb her verbal abusiveness and stealing since I became better at not enabling. I'm also sleeping better and taking time to "smell the roses"

Its really hard to change but you are worth it. Codependents anonymous is free too.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Init, how are you doing? Sending lots of hugs 

[Yat4]

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. My daughter did the same thing to us, initially using guilt about the grandchildren, then threatening us with never seeing the grandkids, and when that didn't work she tried to kill herself. It took that, along with about 45k in debt and us struggling to pay our own bills to realize that we were 1. not helping her at all and 2. making our own lives miserable. We had to realize that we only have control over ourselves and had to do what is right for us. It's a harsh truth that is hard to stick too, but we are about three months in and I know it was the right choice. Big hugs to you!