Went outside the marriage

[Jason214]

I am ashamed that after 33 years of marriage and three children,  I went outside our marriage for the first and only time. I could not take the continual problems with our children that my wife tended to exacerbate and get me involved in. I could not take the frequent mood swings, paranoia, etc. She confronted me two months later and I admitted to it. We have been in marriage counseling since. She has been in therapy for 8 years, though,  with not much improvement and I had been in therapy for about a year after the affair, which ended 18 months ago.

I realize that the worst thing I could have done was hurt my wife's image of herself, which was already very low. My wife is a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor.

Now after 16 months of therapy,  she thinks it is going on again,  as she claims it has for many years. She claims that I have even had an affair with our clergywoman and she also claims that I have a small fortune set aside which I have been stashing for years.

Now she wants to split up and leave, finding a home for herself and leaving myself and our grown children (two teenagers and a 22 yo) in the family home. I realize that I was terribly wrong for what I did and I have owned up to everything,  but there are continual accusations which are not true and I won't admit to anything else.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Jason!

I'm glad you've found us. We're a supportive community with a lot of tips and experience to share. And we really "get it."

That is a very tricky situation you're involved in. People with BPD tend to have very strong abandonment fears and lack of trust can be a biggie as well.

May I ask, has your wife been diagnosed with BPD? Not that it matters underneath. Many here are in relationships with people who don't have a diagnosis. Just having some of the characteristics and symptoms is enough. I was just curious what type of therapy she's in.

I understand that your previous infidelity probably triggered her lack of trust and gives her something real and concrete to point to. As you said, though, you should not/cannot admit to something that isn't true.

Has she ever threatened to leave before? How have you responded to her threats and demands and accusations?