Forgiving Yourself

[Will2Power]

I went off on him one day after long periods of just taking abuse and using the SET communication methods. I just snapped... .and that is why he walked away I think. It is sad that once I finally stood up for myself, it had to be over. On top of that, he won’t talk to me now. THAT IS A GOOD THING, (what I need- not what I want... .) Trauma bonding is the most painful adversity I have ever dealt with.

Here is my problem now: It is difficult to forgive myself for “loosing my cool”. I lost it once, and now I’m the villain. I should have just gone NC and stayed there, but I got obbessed with having some sort of justice.

 After death threats, manipulation, name calling, HYPER CRITISISM for the way I walked, talked with my hands, ate, etc. (and I listened to his rants about why my talking,walking, eating was “hurtful”). I even tried to change everything for him- to make him more comfortable, but the goal posts were always moved anyway. We all know how that goes. I am so angry and sad about the entire relationship I guess. How much I sacrificed and how I was still abused. Aren’t we all though?

I guess my question/pressing issue right now is how to forgive myself for acting mean to him. I yelled at him once in person, and sent two angry emails. In the entire year long relationship I never so much as raised my voice. And when I finally did, it set me free... .but I feel so guilty for it. It was as if I became him in those moments. Maybe not to the level of death threats and abuse... .but I fought back for sure.

I wonder if my mind subconsciously forced me to do this because I knew it would put a real end to all the recycles.

How do you forgive yourself for acting just like them? (Even a few times.) Is it even permissible to forgive myself? Why would I behave so out of character?

My therapists says it’s like a bully- when you finally stand up to him, he leaves you alone. STILL, revenge is NOT my thing. There just seemed to be no other way out. Please help me... .I feel like garbage for doing this to him. YET I am still so angry.

It’s like I just proved to him that I really am an “evil worthless ___”. He would say that if I made other plans with friends, or for not being on time for something, etc.

It went something like this:

“You are an evil worthless ___ for standing up when you talk. You’ll make a sh** therapist one day because you have to talk with your hands so much. See how morally wrong that is? How do you have friends? Why did your parents raise you this way?” This. Was. Constant. All because I talked with my hands... .it didn’t matter what I was saying.

And my response was always to take a deep breath, and quiet my voice, sit back down, and try to apologize for getting “too affectionate” or “too passionate”.

Finally he said it one day because I faced him while we were on the couch talking, and he didn’t like for me to look him in the eye... .(it was a rule we had sort of. I couldn’t look him directly in the eye when we talked... .) and I just finally snapped. I just said “you want to see what a real evil ___ is? Okay, here we go. I can take the death threats you sent to me over text, and have you arrested. I am so done being treated like this- you ruined my life. You damage people... blah blah blah.”

So I just lost it and unleashed... .and for him to see that side of me... .even for ME to feel that side of me... .it was something I and he, have never experienced before. He was so used to me advocating for him, and being his savior/scapegoat/punching bag/therapist. I think he was just as shocked as I was. A part of me felt good about this because it was like I “came back to life” for a moment. Like the brainwashing went away... .

But really, does this make me evil now like he said? Is it justified? I feel like it’s the anthesis of who I am. I need help reframing this experience. He refuses to talk to me now. It’s a blessing that he doesn’t want anything to do with me now... .but it hurts and makes me feel guilty. I would have never had the self control to resist, and it seemed like this was the only way out. (Scaring him off.) I hope I don’t sound too crazy.

[SlyQQ]

You gave him what he wanted weather thats good or bad is really up to you.

[stixx44]

I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. You’re only human.  He pushed you to the breaking point and you finally responded.

That happened to me once in my r/s ship, too.  My ex would rant and rage and go off on me constantly.  Like you, I had a long fuse.  She used the “f”word constantly... .a word I hate and never use.  Finally, one night, I had had enough and gave it back.  F word and all, and I left.

I felt terrible! This was not me!  I was a becoming just like her.  I apologized to her the next day, too. 

It took me a few months to realize that I did not want someone in my life who made me become that person.  We actually discussed this in one of her calmer moments when she said she “would change.”

It never happened.  We broke up and I don’t see myself every going back to that type of situation again.

Forgive yourself... you did nothing wrong.  Perhaps this is the start of a change for you.

Stixx

[JNChell]

 
Hi, Will2Power. Welcome to the board. Sounds like you’ve been through quite an ordeal. Please be assured that you’re in the right place. We understand and empathize with you.

It sounds like you tried everything you could to maintain a relationship with your ex, and I commend you for that. It takes a lot out of us, including our mental and physical health, to attempt to stay in these relationships. Now you can rest and heal.

Please be easy on yourself for blowing up. We can only take so much and suppress so much emotion until we simply can’t anymore. I’m confident in saying that because I know from experience. I’m here for many of the same reasons that you are. How are you feeling today? When you’re comfortable in doing so, please share a little more with us, and I encourage you read posts of other members. Bless you.

[tiki]

Having read around I can tell you what other people’s therapist have told them in these situations. That it’s natural to act out when you’re being abused.

I don’t really agree with your therapist’s advice to stand up to the bully because with a pwBPD that’s not really how it works. in this case the bully will only win because he wants you to act out to prove his point.

If you want to stand up to the bully do it with inner resolve. Resolve to be treated like you are worth more. But the action you then need to take is more like fade out than it is confront

[In a bad way]

It's hard to forgive yourself for losing it and giving it them back, I know, I am guilty of it. But we are only human and can only sit there taking all the abuse and trying to be calm and calm them down for so long before we break.
I think in my case she pushed and pushed so that when I did she could then be the victim and say See I told you you are an angry scary man.
Would you let a friend or a stranger treat you so bad for so long?
Probably not.
The things she said to me if it was a stranger (male) would get one warning.
I have a male friend who I have known a long time and he is a good man going through some problems, he is snapping at people in the pub and everyone is talking about it, someone has already as he put it in his own words "put him on his a***" for saying the wrong thing.
I walk off when he gets too much but how long will I keep doing that, I don't know. Other people are losing patience fast, I know he is in a bad place so I don't react.
But that is every now and then, not like the abuse we suffer from our ex BPD every night and do nothing, and when we do they make us out to be the crazy one.
What I am trying to say is I know it leaves us feeling guilty for snapping back at them, but what do they expect?
I still feel guilty nearly 2 years later, but you stuck up for yourself and he didn't like it same as mine didn't because they like to give out the abuse but can't take it back, even though it's their fault for being abusive.

[Duped 1]

I can relate but I snapped back a lot more than once. For months when she would lose it I would say things like: "we are on the same team", "come to me, not at me" "we can't talk to each other like that", etc. After months of this I started snapping and raging back at times (although I still was rarely as wicked and insulting as she was). I remember actually saying to her: "look at me I'm starting to fight dirty like you now". I became someone I don't want to be and thought I could change her back to the person she was in idolization or at least get her to exercise basic respect and consideration. I do not believe she is in any way capable of that in the context of an intimate relationship. I still struggle to forgive myself for my behavior and her for hers a year and a half later.

[Duped 1]

I had also said to her many times that if she treated her friends like that she wouldn't have any, and that if she talked to her co-workers like that she would be fired. Her response was that everyone just acts polite in public but that I was in an intimate relationship with her so it was different. This was her normal but it's not mine-that's probably one of the reasons I'm still beating myself up over it...