Responding rather than reacting

[ortac77]

This is a difficult one and I am rather struggling to get my head around it today, emotionally I feel rather fragile and I think the feelings involved are definitely fear and sadness.

For a couple of months now life with my pwBPD has been quite fraught, we had a holiday in December and we had a wonderful time - seeming to really relate well. On returning just before Christmas I fell ill, and the holiday period was difficult but manageable. I noticed a marked deterioration in my partners behaviour but being unwell could only concentrate on my own physical recovery.

During this period (whilst I believe under the influence of alcohol) he sent some unpleasant texts to one of my family members and when I was made aware by my relative I spent some time explaining to them the features of BPD and that it really was not about them - this they accepted and really I thought the matter closed.

Since then my pwBPD has been fairly dysregulated on a frequent basis, we have talked about the incident and I had thought I had validated his feelings, explained that as far as my family was concerned there was no issue. He cannot leave it alone however and keeps escalating the situation, adding 'facts' that simply are not in reality but I can see are driven by his feelings.

A couple of weeks ago I snapped - he keeps bringing the matter up with all sorts of allegations - how my family want me to be rid of him etc, etc - none of this has been said or to my knowledge is true -  I am close to my family and it is therefore a sensitive subject. Thus I reacted, never good and we had a fight about it, quickly over but I think leaving things worse for both of us.

Whilst not avoiding the subject with him I have said that there really is little more for me to say, he seems to want to accuse my family of all sorts of things and last night (I am away with work) I got a series of strange texts saying he wants to cause 'Armageddon". He also said he does not want to speak to me (in a way a kind of a relief).

This has been playing on my mind today and so I sent an email saying I respected his wishes not to speak, that he must make his own decisions reference 'Armageddon' that I have explained my view of the situation and that he of course has a right to do whatever he thinks is best for him.

I am trying to move away from Reacting (useless) and just responding - probably that is proving quite difficult for him, maybe there is also an element that having put boundaries in place for me - eg detaching when things get heated that this is ramping up his emotionality?

After living with BPD partner for 13 years I am really wondering if I can take this any longer, Im in my 60's and feeling it is taking its toll on my wellbeing both physically and mentally, I have seen therapists and a lot of that has proved useful, I practise mindfulness which also helps me to retain a calmness however at the moment I feel like my coping mechanisms are overwhelmed and I feel flat, empty and a sense of hopelessness. Perhaps I have been living in a kind of 'denial' - I can cope! Now I am feeling that I cannot and keep having a vision of maybe a happier life free of the burdens of this illness.

Whilst I love my partner and can empathise with his pain it is proving perhaps too high a price for me?

I titled this responding rather than reacting - it is that thought that I am wondering to what extent I am reacting to my own feelings rather than responding to them with self-care?

Thanks for listening
Ortac

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[Tattered Heart]

I titled this responding rather than reacting - it is that thought that I am wondering to what extent I am reacting to my own feelings rather than responding to them with self-care?

Thanks for listening
Ortac

Sorry you're having to deal with this while traveling. Good question. I like to use the word "responding" when I'm using Wisemind and "reacting" when I'm in emotional mind. It helps me understand the differences in my state of mind. Like you I used to think I was reacting to my H but after looking at things a little deeper, it truly is my own emotions that I'm reacting to. pwBPD says something that gets to us, our emotions get heightened, and we react to the emotionalism of it all.

Do you think your current traveling is causing your pwBPD to feel insecure so he is playing that out in his head?

As for family, has he seen the family member face to face since he sent the text?

My H tends to fret over the future response of someone he has offended or thinks he offended. If my H had sent a text, he would believe the person he sent the text to was dwelling on it, hated him, and would be constantly anxiously awaiting that person to reject him and tell him how bad he is. He would start making up scenarios in his mind about how what he would do if the other person physically or verbally assaulted him and goes to the worst case scenario. (He never thinks they could sit down and have a conversation that goes well). I could tell him over and over that the other person is not upset with him but until he sees it with his own two eyes he won't believe it.

[ortac77]

Thank you Tattered Heart

Possibly my travelling does make matters worse, however that is my job - I am away quite a bit with work although also at home for relatively long periods in between. I have often considered that my 'absences' may trigger abandonment issues but when I am at home it makes little difference. I wrote on another thread how his irregular sleep pattern and tendency to be nocturnal often means that I see little of him even when I am home and conversation is perhaps in 'soundbites' rather than truly sharing? Indeed I have asked if being away is something he struggles with which usually results in (supposedly jokingly) I will be glad to see the back of you - beginning to think this is not a joke. If he really does feel that way then why stay?

Reverse that question actually why do I want him to? Which I guess is where emotionally I am at the moment, I know he is ill but I am beginning to see that so am I - what is this saying about my self-worth and self -esteem? I am starting to re-read the articles on co-dependancy.

I am aware that this often leaves me feeling isolated and lonely, I do try to keep a social life going but miss the intimacy that a relationship offers. I suspect that this relationship may never meet my needs, again I am talking about emotionally here.

He has not seen the family member concerned, in fact they live overseas so it is unlikely he will for some time, the problem seems more about an 'assumption' that this family member will have poisoned the rest of the family against him. I know this not to be true however as you say in your situation - he cannot see or will not hear that this is not the case.

Perhaps this lies in his own family of origin, he has distanced himself from his family and 'hates' his sister - he hated his father until his death 5 years ago but now mourns him greatly -  I don't want to analyse here but perhaps this is rooted in a kind of jealousy of my (not perfect) but generally loving family?

More questions than answers... .

[waverider]

The scenario of no one is to be blamed is probably alien to him. Hence if something happens if he can't pin the blame on someone then he has to wear it himself, and that simply is not acceptable.

As far as reacting is concerned, that is a natural human protective mechanism. Dont beat yourself up over doing this from time to time, it is your right. As long as you see it for what it is it wont be over the top. The consequences will fall where they will. If you protect someone from never having to face the reactions of others they will never learn to accept them. As a result you will bottle everything up compounding your sense of "unfairness' this will erode your respect. You also have a right to express the full range of human emotions

You cant prevent everything, accept "stuff will happen" and develop the skills to realign things after, and life goes on. This way you will be less afraid of consequences of what might happen. Trying to always do the right thing will set you up for failure.

[ortac77]

Waverider

I believe that your first sentence is absolutely spot on, he sent the texts - he is (in any normal sense) responsible but he cannot bear that.

It is natural to react, and I have done that, so he is not protected from that consequence, but I am now finding it better to be mindful, step back and then respond when I feel calmer, not denying my feelings. Sometimes as now, my job allows the distance to give me the peace I need - I am sad that he is still in turmoil (I know this from an email received) but for now I am calm.

[ortac77]

As a follow on from my last I awoke this morning with a sense of calm and perhaps even slight amusement, I had enjoyed a very good nights sleep.

I had dinner with some work colleagues yesterday evening and was chatting to one particular lady, similar age to me, single who was describing her plans for retirement, how she was buying a place in the Dominican Republic and was moving there and would teach English whilst improving her Spanish - I was struck by both her courage, vision and perhaps mostly her happiness.

When I awoke this morning I was filled with an awareness, how living with a pwBPD had distorted my clear thinking, no 'blame' here on him - rather a more profound realisation on my part of how many dreams I had sacrificed in order to placate him and try to meet his needs at the expense of my own.

It amused me when I reframed the current situation, and rethought about our time together which goes along the following lines:

He does something which upsets other people, he cannot abide living with the shame/guilt of having done so therefore seeks to blame some external source. He then also seeks to blame me by alleging that I am taking sides - I try to retain a sense of balance and even though I may have some success in validating his feelings he looks to me to solve a problem which of course I cannot - I therefore need to be punished by ignoring me or sniping/sarcasm or at worst raging. 

Eventually of course being human I react - maybe after a while things return to a neutral position until the next time, I am relieved temporarily but living in a kind of low level fear that it is only a matter of time before the next event.

So this morning looking at myself I see a kind of 'marionette' -pull the right strings and I will jump or dance to a tune but its not to my own tune.

I can see clearly today that my life is based upon reaction, its insane and for the first time in years I am beginning to be aware - maybe waking up at last.

In peace

Ortac

[waverider]

When I awoke this morning I was filled with an awareness, how living with a pwBPD had distorted my clear thinking, no 'blame' here on him - rather a more profound realisation on my part of how many dreams I had sacrificed in order to placate him and try to meet his needs at the expense of my own.

This is important, and what gets us in the end. We can in effect put our lives into a holding pattern simply by association with this disorder. We have to turn this around so that we thrive, not merely survive.

A lifetime is really a story of personal evolution. pwBPD have a "frozen" emotional development. They often seem not to evolve, or achieve much. It is important that we can look back at the end of the year and say this year I moved from A to B in my personal development. Unfortunately it is too easy to look back and think yeh well I'm still stuck on A but that is because... .but next year I will get to B. Except it doesn't happen unless you become aware you are stuck on A and YOU do something to move from there.

If you dont you will eventually make this realisation like a bolt of lightning and you will be overwhelmed by resentment. Thinking that the whole relationship has just been a huge waste of your life. So make sure those little steps forward happen for you. Dont need to be huge steps just at least perceivable steps. Everyone needs a sense of self direction.

[ortac77]

I have finally taken 'self-direction' I have shared on these boards some of the pain and hurt I have endured as a result of my partners BPD. What I have not shared is both the physical and emotional abuse this has sometimes resulted in - I have been in a kind of denial daydream believing that things would get better, that somehow the more I understood or the more I did to try and placate or please him things would be ok, and sometimes they were and the power of my denial was enough to make me believe again all would be ok.

Somehow over the past few weeks since the last violent outburst which resulted in a violent response from me ( a sign that I finally could not handle this anymore and an inappropriate reaction) the realisation has finally kicked in - this cannot go on - I have given too much and expected too much. Its taken a lot to get to this point, I see the person beneath the illness but the illness is so powerful and fuelled by alcohol so unpredictable. I had lost the very core of me, acted against my values and beliefs and I suppose I realised this is my 'rock bottom'.


I have finally seen below my own illness, I feel a fool but now the shades have fallen from my eyes I know that I cannot continue and have enlisted professional help in reporting the fear that I live in in my own home. Its taken a lot of courage to finally admit to myself that I am in fear, that I am unhappy and that I am not fine or ok. That I am responding to my own feelings at last and valuing what they are telling me.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this, but it sounds like a major point in your life as you start to see things as they really are rather than simply through the delusions of wishful thinking.  I too have reached those moments were I have reacted out of character that caused me great pain as it is a red flag that you are loosing yourself.

We are all affected by our environments and it taints our very soul, for good or bad. It is often not easy to see. Part of the mission of this board is to help each other to see the clarity of what is, rather than what we think is, the reality of our situation. Until we get there it is hard to make objective decisions that we can live with as we move forward.

I too had to deal with an alcohol affected pwBPD and it was too easy to think "its just the drink talking" but it wasn't, the drink simply gave the disorder a bigger voice. Once the drink stopped i thought the issues would, but they didn't they were just more subtle but stlll all pervasive

[ortac77]

Yes I think Denial and Delusion have played a large part in my life over our years together, I can also see that has led to my accepting what I can now see is unacceptable. I definitely can now see how I have lost who I am, that my priority is me and that beating myself up is not going to help - I have done the best I can, with what I have and can do little more.

I may not yet have decided to 'end it' but I have decided that the 'closed loop' can no longer prevail, I have given a detailed account to Social Services here with a request for their help, verbally and in writing - we will wait to see if they act on this but at least I feel that I no longer have to carry the burden.

I haven't seen him since I returned home Monday morning, I know he is alive because I can hear him in his room, I also know I am expected to disturb him and talk to him - I know the game now therefore I am quietly getting on with my life and if I don't see him before I go away with work again on Friday I have at least reported this to Social Services with the request for their intervention.