coping with her manic episode, LDR

[Lady Itone]

If you're unfamiliar with my threads, I write about an on-again-off-again, uBPDgf with bipolar. She's had a few major psychotic episodes in the 2 years I've known her.  

Last night her messaging seemed a little "off," not fully psychotic "word salad," but coloring outside the lines. She wanted to videochat, so I called, but when she picked up I panicked. She wouldn't sit still, her mouth looked twisted up, and she was speaking in a strange voice--she said she lost her voice last night singing, which is weird, but ok.

I started overfunctioning, searching for signs of her mental state. Currently, she lives several hours away from me in a group home and has no car, but she's been known to ride the Greyhound during psychotic episodes, and I don't want her to show up here two days from now all messed up. Not because she'd kill me or beat me, but still.

I tried to stay calm, but my stomach dropped, my hands started shaking, mouth went dry. I told her I thought she seemed manic, nicely, and asked her some questions about if she'd slept last night or taken drugs or been drinking.

She admitted to drinking a little. The "sober house" she's in is either lax, or she's gunning to get kicked out and have to go live with her mother. She swore she'd taken her antipsychotic that day. She usually doesn't lie to me. She said she had group in the morning, I told her she should definitely go.

I asked how she was doing with the other people in her house, if anybody has told her she was acting strange. Frankly, I'm worried she's not getting good feedback from the other mentally ill addicts she now spends all her time with.

Anyway, she got angry, said I made her feel ugly and awkward. She sometimes seemed ok, but I just felt something was off. We were both getting upset, so I told her I had to go and would talk to her in a couple days. She sent some angry texts last night telling me to f**k off.

I have no desire to call or message, and I doubt she'd respond. But this morning I emailed her to tell her hey, if I'm wrong, I feel terrible. But if I'm right, I feel worse. I acknowledged I'm being hyper vigilant. But I can't handle the psychotic episodes, I still feel traumatized from past blow ups, and need to steer clear of her if I even suspect she's like that. Today, just at the thought of dealing with another episode, my hands shook all day. I had nightmares last night.

I don't want to cry wolf and contact her family in another state or try to reach whoever's in charge of her house. If in fact she's even in a manic state, she's got to learn how to get herself out of them, right? Or ask doctors for help if she can't? Am I making it worse by telling her I notice? She doesn't get suicidal, and she hasn't self-harmed in a year.  

Can y'all talk me out of the FOG?



 

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Lady Itone,

I'm sorry that you are so worried about your gf. YOu've had a lot of experience with her manic episodes. Do you feel like you are able to easily identify them?

Do you know if the group home has laid out a plan as to how to address manic episodes? Individuals who live in homes have treatment plans that should lay out what to do in the event of various situations, such as a manic episode. The plan should be tailored towards each individual person and provide step by step how staff should proceed. Her roommates may not give her feedback, but the home should have staff who are responsible for handling her mental wellness and contacting doctors or psychiatrists if necessary.

I do agree that she has to learn how to handle these manic states on her own, but the purpose of a group home is to provide supported living. I used to run a group home (not for mentally ill) but I always appreciated input from family and friends of the people I took care of. They often had better insight into past behavior than I did.

I think looking at your own motivation could help you determine whether you should call the home or not. What would be your motivation for calling them? Are you scared of her or for her? Do you feel obligated to help her because that's what you've always done or do you really believe she needs help from someone, even if it's not you to provide the help? Do you feel guilty for not being able to physically be there to help her through this? Is it FOG or genuine concern?

[Lady Itone]

Thanks TH,

I'm concerned she'll get herself kicked out of the house, or baker-acted, or if police show up, she'll go running out into the streets of her sketchy neighborhood and get herself in trouble. I'm scared she'll end up hospitalized again, every single episode takes her further and further from the life she says she wants for herself. It removes her further away from the relationship we could have if she were healthier.

I'm deeply concerned she'll show up here, psychotic, creating drama and fear for me. Hence my physical anxiety.

I don't know her house's protocol, but I do know that someone in the house got baker acted recently. So someone there knows how to get that done.

I really don't want to be in the caretaker's role of interacting with her doctors/social workers/family unless it's absolutely necessary. And I feel guilty that I don't want to help

[SunandMoon]

This is a hard one, Lady Itone.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You've already decided that you don't want to get pulled into a caretaker role - that's one of your boundaries and you've been honest about it.

I'm really sorry that the thought of her having another psychotic episode is causing you physical stress. I know that feeling and it is awful 

I think you have two ways to go:

1. Call the group home and explain why you're concerned. Say that you don't want to get too involved but you noticed her behaviour last night and would like someone to check on her.

That would at least give you peace of mind that someone else there knows and probably reduce the chance of her leaving the house to come and see you.

2. Go no contact for a while and let the chips fall where they may. If she is heading for an episode, presumably the group home is equipped to deal with it and, in reality, that's why she is there.

You don't need to feel guilty - this is her life. Yes, is very sad but she'll either learn to handle her life... .or she won't. You can't do that for her.

[Lady Itone]

1. Call the group home and explain why you're concerned. Say that you don't want to get too involved but you noticed her behaviour last night and would like someone to check on her.

That would at least give you peace of mind that someone else there knows and probably reduce the chance of her leaving the house to come and see you.

2. Go no contact for a while and let the chips fall where they may. If she is heading for an episode, presumably the group home is equipped to deal with it and, in reality, that's why she is there.

Those are very helpful, laying it out like that, thank you! I think what I'll do is no 2 except not totally NC, I'll keep my phone lines open to see if next time I hear from her she seems worse I'll resort to 1

I'm open to other suggestions as well. Thanks again!