do i rebuild or let it go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

ROE:


"I’m there with you pearls, facing the same questions. I think you need to work out the YOU side of the equation before you can decide if the relationship is what you want.

I would put getting that alone time to process on a priority. I know far easier said than done, but if it comes down to saving your life, is it possible? A long trip? A temporary separation that you initiate for practical reasons, not he initiates for disordered reasons?"

thanks so much for your sweetness ROE!  it is a bit tough now to travel. there is a long shot chance i can make a solo trip to Asia in april, a teaching thing, but waiting to see…might not work out. with him getting his meds adjusted i want to be close by. he needs my support right now i think. if i was not here he’d be totally alone and this is not a good time for him to be alone i think. i can wait a bit, not forever, but a bit until i can get some alone time. i had a few days alone in january and it was great!

Gemsforeyes

"It hurts to know you're suffering so much through this, and I've been thinking of perhaps a different way to look at your situation.

Can we say maybe, what can YOU do to improve your chances of WANTING to stay?  To brighten your outlook?  To bring light into the room, so to speak?

I know you're in his country.  :)oes that stop you from getting a part-time easy job or doing some fulfilling volunteer work for some hours during the week?  This gives you space and maybe rotates more positive thoughts into your cycle.

If BPDh is trying to improve himself and the marriage, and if you're working with a T and he's stabilizing on meds, perhaps soon is the time to expand your world beyond four walls.

Can you list off all the things that are positive about your relationship for YOU, and all the things that are not?  Get really, really honest with yourself.  :)on't hide anything from you.  :)ig deep, think of all the little things that make you happy and the things that have the opposite effect for you."

hi Gems, thanks!     i like the way you put that about what would improve my chances for wanting to stay. we actually talked a bit about it yesterday. he is not totally oblivious to things…it is just not always easy to get him at a time when he is able to talk and think. he is obsessed lately with moving with me to my home country and feels this could “solve” a lot of our problems. it would solve some i suppose, but i have let him know that making an international move together is not an option until he can go a long stretch with showing me he is able to be stable. i don’t want to take this show on the road in its current state. i told him it is okay to dream if he likes, but i can’t do any planning with him. he seemed to accept this for now. it is honestly so complicated being involved with someone when we have different citizenships/residencies that is it is hard to figure out what kind of a future to have…or if we should have one. i am not rushing it though. one step at a time. he needs to be healthy and not suicidal and able to look for work. i need to look for more work too.

i do work a bit, and just got some extra work that will start in a few weeks. it will give me more alone time…a ridiculously long commute.

i was up all night thinking about how to answer the part of your question about the positive things about the relationship. ouch. that was pretty hard to do! i remember i used to make a lot of such lists during relationships and i even made one years ago about this relationship, but i haven’t feel free or safe enough to make such a list in a long time! um….

what makes me happiest about him, what comes to mind first is laughing with him. he has a generous, easy, happy laugh and i really love hearing our laughs together when we are cracking each other up. it’s pretty great i must say. i like that he is simple in some ways…not materialistic. i was thinking really hard to find other things but i kept remembering how much of the good stuff between us that he damaged…how he can take the best of situations and manage to find a way to damage them in some way. sigh.

i can think of more things that i wish were different/better than i can think of things that are good…

hmmmm. i like that he is smart and good-looking…he is not physically unattractive after all he’s said and done, but…i like that he sometimes surprises me in good ways. has risen to the occasion and shown himself to be more decent and good than i would have expected, but again…that is an exception… i wish i saw him as honorable and ethical, that always meant a lot to me in a partner…i wish i could hold him in higher regard. sigh. what do i like? he is nice sometimes when i cook for us, will show some appreciation that seems genuine. life with him is certainly unique…...

i am going to keep working on this! sorry if takes me awhile to get back, but i thank all of you wholeheartedly!

[pearlsw]

ROE:


"I’m there with you pearls, facing the same questions. I think you need to work out the YOU side of the equation before you can decide if the relationship is what you want.

I would put getting that alone time to process on a priority. I know far easier said than done, but if it comes down to saving your life, is it possible? A long trip? A temporary separation that you initiate for practical reasons, not he initiates for disordered reasons?"

thanks so much for your sweetness ROE!  it is a bit tough now to travel. there is a long shot chance i can make a solo trip to Asia in april, a teaching thing, but waiting to see…might not work out. with him getting his meds adjusted i want to be close by. he needs my support right now i think. if i was not here he’d be totally alone and this is not a good time for him to be alone i think. i can wait a bit, not forever, but a bit until i can get some alone time. i had a few days alone in january and it was great!

Gemsforeyes

"It hurts to know you're suffering so much through this, and I've been thinking of perhaps a different way to look at your situation.

Can we say maybe, what can YOU do to improve your chances of WANTING to stay?  To brighten your outlook?  To bring light into the room, so to speak?

I know you're in his country.  :)oes that stop you from getting a part-time easy job or doing some fulfilling volunteer work for some hours during the week?  This gives you space and maybe rotates more positive thoughts into your cycle.

If BPDh is trying to improve himself and the marriage, and if you're working with a T and he's stabilizing on meds, perhaps soon is the time to expand your world beyond four walls.

Can you list off all the things that are positive about your relationship for YOU, and all the things that are not?  Get really, really honest with yourself.  :)on't hide anything from you.  :)ig deep, think of all the little things that make you happy and the things that have the opposite effect for you."

hi Gems, thanks!     i like the way you put that about what would improve my chances for wanting to stay. we actually talked a bit about it yesterday. he is not totally oblivious to things…it is just not always easy to get him at a time when he is able to talk and think. he is obsessed lately with moving with me to my home country and feels this could “solve” a lot of our problems. it would solve some i suppose, but i have let him know that making an international move together is not an option until he can go a long stretch with showing me he is able to be stable. i don’t want to take this show on the road in its current state. i told him it is okay to dream if he likes, but i can’t do any planning with him. he seemed to accept this for now. it is honestly so complicated being involved with someone when we have different citizenships/residencies that is it is hard to figure out what kind of a future to have…or if we should have one. i am not rushing it though. one step at a time. he needs to be healthy and not suicidal and able to look for work. i need to look for more work too.

i do work a bit, and just got some extra work that will start in a few weeks. it will give me more alone time…a ridiculously long commute.

i was up all night thinking about how to answer the part of your question about the positive things about the relationship. ouch. that was pretty hard to do! i remember i used to make a lot of such lists during relationships and i even made one years ago about this relationship, but i haven’t feel free or safe enough to make such a list in a long time! um….

what makes me happiest about him, what comes to mind first is laughing with him. he has a generous, easy, happy laugh and i really love hearing our laughs together when we are cracking each other up. it’s pretty great i must say. i like that he is simple in some ways…not materialistic. i was thinking really hard to find other things but i kept remembering how much of the good stuff between us that he damaged…how he can take the best of situations and manage to find a way to damage them in some way. sigh.

i can think of more things that i wish were different/better than i can think of things that are good…

hmmmm. i like that he is smart and good-looking…he is not physically unattractive after all he’s said and done, but…i like that he sometimes surprises me in good ways. has risen to the occasion and shown himself to be more decent and good than i would have expected, but again…that is an exception… i wish i saw him as honorable and ethical, that always meant a lot to me in a partner…i wish i could hold him in higher regard. sigh. what do i like? he is nice sometimes when i cook for us, will show some appreciation that seems genuine. life with him is certainly unique…...

i am going to keep working on this! sorry if takes me awhile to get back, but i thank all of you wholeheartedly!

[formflier]

we're working on this. my observations tell me there is a mood disorder and a personality order. whatever it is he needs serious help. i just deal with the symptoms as i've observed them.

sorry for the short replies! so little time to write for now! thank you very much for your concern.

What are his doctors thoughts on this?

FF