Estranged mother

[Mariez]

I am an adult daughter of uBPD mother.  I haven't spoken to her since September.  She actually cut off contact with me over something ridiculous.  She quit talking to my other sibling as well, even though he wasn't involved in the initial dispute.  I didn't see her over the holidays or her birthday.  I have text her on these days, but she doesn't even respond.  I think the last communication I had with her was basically saying, call me if you want to talk and work things out.  Of course, I haven't received anything.  I guess I am supposed to show up and beg?

Anyhow, I found out from one of MY friends that she is moving across country to another state.  I'm really upset because I am so sick of her immaturity.  Life is so short... .one of us could die and she'd rather have some sort of petty estrangement.   The original argument has been so blown out of proportion it's ridiculous.  

I think this move by her is bothering me because she did something similar when I was a teenager.  We got in a fight and she sent me to live with my dad.  Within a month, she sent my brother and then moved across the country.  It really upset me at the time.  Obviously, I'm an adult now and its not the same, but I almost wonder if she picks these fights with me so that she can do what she wants to - like take a job across country.  And to stop her guilt from moving away from the family, she just fights with all of us and takes off?

I have exponentially lowered my expectations of her over the years, but it still hurts.  I don't expect her to be a perfect mother by any means.  But I'm sick of being discarded like a piece of garbage without another thought.  It's hurtful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Mariez, 

Good to hear from you.    Sounds like quite a hurtful situation.

I think this move by her is bothering me because she did something similar when I was a teenager.

I'm not surprised that this current situation is a reminder to you from the past. Sometimes when I look to see what my 'inner' children are experiencing, it often is the present triggering my past. I like to say that the winds of the past fan the flames of the present. These reminders just hurt, deep down. I'm very sorry that she has been ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent Treatment

In the past, how long has she maintained the silent treatment?

 
Wools

[Mariez]

Hi Wools!

Thank you for your reply... .

In the past, we have had a couple episodes where she has given me the silent treatment.  Sometimes they're a few months.  But a couple times it has been over a year.  That's why it has been so tricky for me.  I try to maintain boundaries and all of that, but I can't be too forceful or else she cuts me off like this.  I'm fine with LC, but NC really bothers me and is never something I would initiate.  It makes me sad thinking something could happen to one of us and we wouldn't be talking over something so trivial.  Life is too short.  I just can't wrap my head around cutting your children off over nothing. It makes me feel disposable, and by my own mother on top of it.   

[red_caterpillar]

Hi, Mariez

I am sorry you are hurting! I have a uBPD mother as well and can relate. She has never moved across the country when we were fighting but she does cut contact and then finds a new friend or someone to put her attachment and needs on. I am not sure how close you were to your mother before this estrangement. My mother and I were pretty close (before I knew about the BPD) I was a classic enabler and care giver for my mother. I believed all her lies and let her guilt me into doing what ever she wanted. I can't really explain how it felt other than walking around worrying and having someone depend on you for all their needs.

But to keep it short, maybe look at this break from the relationship as a chance to explore your own hurt and maybe heal before she comes back in. Then the next time she does something drastic like move across the county during a disagreement with her daughter it will not effect you as much. 

Personally for me my mother's decisions no longer have any effect on my life and I feel free! I can't quite explain it exactly but it's like I had been holding my breath waiting on her next move my whole life and now I just focus on my own life and events.

Hope you find peace in your relationship with your mother!