Anyone else has experience with exBPD glorifying their other exes?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

I think I posted about this before, but it is something that's giving me a really hard time and I hope some of you have any advice on this. I think it's partly because of my own personality that I struggle so much with this, because I've always really been insecure and always see other people as better/prettier/smarter than me.

My ex has had 3 other exes (he is 24), two of which he didn't care about anymore at all (his words) and one of which he would probably never get over (his words as well). He told me that he has been in therapy when she didn't want to get back together with him anymore, because he was having such a hard time. He was together with her for 3 years, but they broke up 6 times during their relationship (actually, knowing him and his other past relationships, this is quite a low number, so maybe he has lied about it). I once found a song he had written about her when he was angry with me for some reason. In it he wrote that she was his soulmate and that he had made the wrong decision and that he still missed her a lot. I always felt like I was living in her shadow. Always felt like I couldn't live up to her.

Now, after we broke up for good, I still struggle a lot with this. I feel like she was always better/more loved than me. Like I failed him. I just don't understand how they could last 3 years. What did I do wrong that we couldn't? Why wasn't I good enough?

It's almost an obsession. I think about them so much. The weird thing is that I know their relationship wasn't perfect either. He has told me about a big fight they once had when she kicked him in the balls in the middle of the street and police came to check if everything was fine. He also told me that she once told him that her hair was always thinner when they were together then when they weren't, because of stress. That there were a few things they just could never agree on (he didn't want to tell me what those things were) and that's why they couldn't last (sounds very mild to me). I also know that there's quite a big chance that he has cheated on her for quite a long time with one of his other exes. Because I know he slept with that ex on a regular basis (always at her place, always on his terms) from summer 2014 to summer 2015 and he and the 'special' ex only broke up in january 2015 for good. Could be that there was a break somewhere between summer 2014 and january 2015, but I'm pretty sure they went on holiday together in that summer, so there must have been some overlap at least. He also told that ex he was sleeping with that he and the 'special' ex were only together for half a year. I don't really understand how she believed that though, because you can easily see on his facebook that that's not the case. My head just can't come to terms with that, because it can't link that behaviour to how he spoke about her. I keep trying to come up with ways that he didn't cheat on her, because it's just so unbelievable. I don't know how it ended eventually in january 2015, but I do know tat she defriended him on facebook because they're only facebook friends since june 2016 now. They sometimes talk on whatsapp to catch up now though, so I don't think she ever found out about the cheating, otherwise she probably wouldn't. She also messaged him once saying "I'm glad we can talk normally to eachother again".

I struggle so much with being in her shadow and comparing myself to her and feeling like such a failure. He isn't really having a difficult time with our break up because he doesn't contact me or anything like that. That hurts so much, because I know that with all his past exes he just kept on contacting and contacting them. Why doesn't he do that with me? Is he so done with me?

Does anyone else struggle with comparing themselves to other exes? And do you have experience with your exBPD glorifying some of their exes too? I really need help. I can't live my life normally because of this. It's on my mind constantly.

[blooming]

Hi everyone,

I think I posted about this before, but it is something that's giving me a really hard time and I hope some of you have any advice on this. I think it's partly because of my own personality that I struggle so much with this, because I've always really been insecure and always see other people as better/prettier/smarter than me.

My ex has had 3 other exes (he is 24), two of which he didn't care about anymore at all (his words) and one of which he would probably never get over (his words as well). He told me that he has been in therapy when she didn't want to get back together with him anymore, because he was having such a hard time. He was together with her for 3 years, but they broke up 6 times during their relationship (actually, knowing him and his other past relationships, this is quite a low number, so maybe he has lied about it). I once found a song he had written about her when he was angry with me for some reason. In it he wrote that she was his soulmate and that he had made the wrong decision and that he still missed her a lot. I always felt like I was living in her shadow. Always felt like I couldn't live up to her.

Now, after we broke up for good, I still struggle a lot with this. I feel like she was always better/more loved than me. Like I failed him. I just don't understand how they could last 3 years. What did I do wrong that we couldn't? Why wasn't I good enough?

It's almost an obsession. I think about them so much. The weird thing is that I know their relationship wasn't perfect either. He has told me about a big fight they once had when she kicked him in the balls in the middle of the street and police came to check if everything was fine. He also told me that she once told him that her hair was always thinner when they were together then when they weren't, because of stress. That there were a few things they just could never agree on (he didn't want to tell me what those things were) and that's why they couldn't last (sounds very mild to me). I also know that there's quite a big chance that he has cheated on her for quite a long time with one of his other exes. Because I know he slept with that ex on a regular basis (always at her place, always on his terms) from summer 2014 to summer 2015 and he and the 'special' ex only broke up in january 2015 for good. Could be that there was a break somewhere between summer 2014 and january 2015, but I'm pretty sure they went on holiday together in that summer, so there must have been some overlap at least. He also told that ex he was sleeping with that he and the 'special' ex were only together for half a year. I don't really understand how she believed that though, because you can easily see on his facebook that that's not the case. My head just can't come to terms with that, because it can't link that behaviour to how he spoke about her. I keep trying to come up with ways that he didn't cheat on her, because it's just so unbelievable. I don't know how it ended eventually in january 2015, but I do know tat she defriended him on facebook because they're only facebook friends since june 2016 now. They sometimes talk on whatsapp to catch up now though, so I don't think she ever found out about the cheating, otherwise she probably wouldn't. She also messaged him once saying "I'm glad we can talk normally to eachother again".

I struggle so much with being in her shadow and comparing myself to her and feeling like such a failure. He isn't really having a difficult time with our break up because he doesn't contact me or anything like that. That hurts so much, because I know that with all his past exes he just kept on contacting and contacting them. Why doesn't he do that with me? Is he so done with me?

Does anyone else struggle with comparing themselves to other exes? And do you have experience with your exBPD glorifying some of their exes too? I really need help. I can't live my life normally because of this. It's on my mind constantly.

[AnonP]

Hi blooming, sorry about your situation.

You're not alone. My ex remained close best friends with her ex too soon after she broke up with him. He was still in love with her and she gave him no opportunity to move on and when they were together, it felt like they were in a relationship and I was the third wheel and I just had to deal with it. So it is hard feeling second best to the ex but my advice since you've broken up is to just focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Of course you must really love this person, but at the end of the day you want to be with someone that puts you first. You don't want to be second best. You might not believe it now but someone out there will only want you, you just have to wait and see

[Wicker Man]

Now, after we broke up for good

Why doesn't he do that with me? Is he so done with me?

I can't live my life normally because of this. It's on my mind constantly.

Blooming,

I am sorry you are in so much pain.  It has been incredibly difficult for me to stop caring for the welfare of my undiagnosed BP fiancé.  My mind has raced in circles trying to figure out what happened and why.  To figure out what was truth and were were lies.  I spent hours trying to second guess how many times she cheated on me -how many were simply emotional affairs and how often she found herself in bed with another man.

My ex had her last two partners in her orbit, although she never had anything good to say about them.  In 20/20 hindsight, and since coming to know something about her disorder it is highly likely she was still sleeping with them.  She did pit those two one against another, but I was never in that fray.

I ended our relationship in the twilight of the idealization phase, so I never felt the full brunt of her fury -she never tried to make me feel small.

In spending time with my therapist, who thankfully is fully aware of BPD, I have come to learn (or believe) there is no point in trying to find closure with her.  I have the compulsion to reach out to our mutual friends and try to piece the 'truth' together, but I know I can't.  She lied to them too.  E.g. some of her friends believe one of her past partners was married and other do not.  A web of lies.

I am mystified by someone who lies so often, and yet is terribly bad at it.  She is a genius, but could never quite keep the lies straight.

I don't know if you are able to see a therapist, but it certainly has helped me on my road to recovery. 

Yep... .I still miss her or at least my idea of her.
Yep... .I still worry about her and her well being.
Yep... .I still wonder what would life have been like if I had stayed with her.

The best I have been able to put together is this:  When she loved me she loved me with every ounce of her being, when she hated me she hated me with every once of her being... .When she drank she would completely forget about us.

I guess my message to you is this -you do not walk alone. 


Wicker Man

[Harley Quinn]

When I was split white his exes were nothing to him, he never loved any of them and he had only bad things to say.  When I was split black, things switched the other way and they suddenly had redeeming qualities or I'd hear "my ex would never do that to me" or "nobody else has ever treated me this way".  The thing to remember Blooming is this.  You cannot allow your self worth to be tied to this person's opinion or behaviour towards you as it is not reliable or consistent, and more to the point one must never allow their self worth to be determined by another.

It's clear you are really struggling with this, and I feel for you.  I will second Wicker Man's question to you.  What additional support do you have right now?  It is hard for someone without low self image to pick themselves up after such an experience.  Many of us had low self esteem prior to our r/s and that can be one of the reasons why the idealisation is so effective a hook.  How can you help yourself in your recovery?  What would make you feel better right now, that you can effect for yourself?

Love and light x 

[Wicker Man]

It is hard for someone without low self image to pick themselves up after such an experience. 

I am an arrogant SOB and I am having a devil of a time sorting myself out... .(meant to bring a smile).

I found some solace in reading:
A Road Less Travelled
Is it Love or is it addiction

Further:
5 Love Languages
Gottman's Marriage Clinic

The latter books were in an attempt to see what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.  In my (desperate) attempt at recovery I have buried myself in books, fully embraced friends and therapy. 

Ending any relationship is difficult, but for some reason much harder with BPD in the mix.


Wicker Man

[blooming]

Hi blooming, sorry about your situation.

You're not alone. My ex remained close best friends with her ex too soon after she broke up with him. He was still in love with her and she gave him no opportunity to move on and when they were together, it felt like they were in a relationship and I was the third wheel and I just had to deal with it. So it is hard feeling second best to the ex but my advice since you've broken up is to just focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Of course you must really love this person, but at the end of the day you want to be with someone that puts you first. You don't want to be second best. You might not believe it now but someone out there will only want you, you just have to wait and see

Thank you AnonP, you are right of course. It's just very hard to think like that because I feel so low of myself. So I only keep thinking about why I wasn't good enough for him and why he didn't put me first and why he used me like he did. I must have deserved it.

[blooming]

Blooming,

I am sorry you are in so much pain.  It has been incredibly difficult for me to stop caring for the welfare of my undiagnosed BP fiancé.  My mind has raced in circles trying to figure out what happened and why.  To figure out what was truth and were were lies.  I spent hours trying to second guess how many times she cheated on me -how many were simply emotional affairs and how often she found herself in bed with another man.

My ex had her last two partners in her orbit, although she never had anything good to say about them.  In 20/20 hindsight, and since coming to know something about her disorder it is highly likely she was still sleeping with them.  She did pit those two one against another, but I was never in that fray.

I ended our relationship in the twilight of the idealization phase, so I never felt the full brunt of her fury -she never tried to make me feel small.

In spending time with my therapist, who thankfully is fully aware of BPD, I have come to learn (or believe) there is no point in trying to find closure with her.  I have the compulsion to reach out to our mutual friends and try to piece the 'truth' together, but I know I can't.  She lied to them too.  E.g. some of her friends believe one of her past partners was married and other do not.  A web of lies.

I am mystified by someone who lies so often, and yet is terribly bad at it.  She is a genius, but could never quite keep the lies straight.

I don't know if you are able to see a therapist, but it certainly has helped me on my road to recovery. 

Yep... .I still miss her or at least my idea of her.
Yep... .I still worry about her and her well being.
Yep... .I still wonder what would life have been like if I had stayed with her.

The best I have been able to put together is this:  When she loved me she loved me with every ounce of her being, when she hated me she hated me with every once of her being... .When she drank she would completely forget about us.

I guess my message to you is this -you do not walk alone. 


Wicker Man

Thank you Wicker Man! Unfortunately I do not have a therapist. I started seeing a therapist again after the first time me and my ex broke up, but it wasn't as much for coping with that as it was for overcoming the last hurdles of the eating disorder I've had for years. Those last hurdles mostly have to do with my very low self esteem. The conversations soon only went about my relationship and how he was treating me though, because after that first break-up half a year of turmoil followed, a lot of pulling and pushing and recycling on his side and I kept falling for it. Unfortunately my therapist went on pregnancy leave two weeks ago, so I don't have a therapist now anymore until September, which sucks.

I have the same struggle with wanting to find out the truth and to untangle his web of lies. I know it's hopeless though. I should try to focus on myself and try to not blame myself for everything that happened. I know enough about his past relationships to know that this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself over and over and that he'll probably never have a lasting and good relationship until he finds help.

It's still so hard to think of him with someone else though. I keep repeating to myself that they may be happy now, but that it will escalate eventually, like it always does. It's so difficult that he could discard me so easily. That know he doesn't message me anymore, when he messaged his other exes all the time after they broke up. Apparently he doesn't care about me.

[gilac]

hi blooming, I understand you

my ex talked all the time about her exes, I mean, even in the honeymoon phase she would talk about it like it wasn't a big deal. she would always talk how bad they were, how she doesn't even count them as her exes ("I consider you my first, they were all mistakes, I hate them, if only I didn't go out with them... .", they wanted to "rape" her because she "doesn't like the idea of sex" and so on...

but she would even go far to tell me their private stuff which I sure didn't want and didn't care to know. few times I stopped her because I didn't want to know the dates when she had sex her last one. people tell me that she was doing this on purpose, I thought that she was just too honest with me with all those details

she didn't like my reactions because I would feel very low if she mentions something private out of the blue, that feeling when someone idealizes you and for a second reminds you that you're not the only one who slept with her

in the end, when she started to behave mean towards me she would pick up fights as we walked, and one of the things she started to talk about was "how she used to love her last ex" and how "she liked the person inside him".
after we broke up, during the NC/gaslighting period, one of her last messages before she blocked me was "even my last ex is more dear to me now than your messages" (and my message after a brief chat was "ok, thank you for the chat, hope we can see each other, I know you have a lot to get over, I did and it feels good"... bear in mind that the person she now suddenly admired actually cheated on her and that's how they broke up

she was obviously using those words just to hurt me, I'm not sure that she is into him anymore, but nothing can shock me after the 180° shift... but yeah, she did talk about her exes A LOT

PS
another thing, she did have a picture with him on facebook and deleted it a month or two into our relationship, later she deleted him from facebook as part of her ditching everyone from social media... it's nice to know how long it took her to abandon someone who cheated on her but managed to delete me and block me right away

[Harley Quinn]

That's sad news for you regarding your therapist.  You could really use the support right now.  Have you thought about getting another therapist for the immediate future?

Blooming have you considered the alternative, that he is actually respecting and in some ways protecting you by not contacting you?  Perhaps he deep down realises how much he hurt you and is in fact treating you better than his other exes by removing himself from your life and allowing you the space and freedom from further pain to move forwards in yourself?  It could actually be a sign that he does care about your wellbeing that he is leaving you alone as he knows his behaviour patterns are damaging for you long term. 

My ex partner was very aware of what he had done to me and the massive impact he had caused in my life.  When I told him I wanted no further contact he was upset but understood and agreed.  I know he remained very heavily involved with some of his previous partners, but I choose to believe that he is treating me with more care than that and respecting my wishes after all the damage that was done in our r/s and after it ended.

You have the power to choose to believe what you will about why he isn't in touch right now.  Deep down I think you know that with your low self esteem this r/s could not have ever been healthy for you, as much as it hurts to have to let it go.  Could you re frame the lack of contact into a positive if that helps you to focus on yourself and your own needs?

Love and light x

[Wicker Man]

Unfortunately I do not have a therapist... ... ..Unfortunately my therapist went on pregnancy leave two weeks ago, so I don't have a therapist now anymore until September.

Would it be possible to send your therapist a note and ask for a referral until she is back from pregnancy leave?  Further do you have any trusted friends or family you can reach out to?

I have the same struggle with wanting to find out the truth and to untangle his web of lies. I know it's hopeless though. I should try to focus on myself and try to not blame myself for everything that happened. I know enough about his past relationships to know that this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself over and over and that he'll probably never have a lasting and good relationship until he finds help.

You just summed up my personal struggle.  Word for word I feel precisely the same.  If I may, I am coming to the conclusion I will never be able to sort out when my ex was lying and to what extent.  She had... .well... .a flirtatious relationship with the truth.  Ironically, for someone who lied so often she was terrible at it!  She couldn't keep the lies straight in her head -in 20/20 hindsight I believe she was uncomfortable or perhaps even sad about what she had done, so she was lying in a half hearted manner.

What I am currently trying to do is stop obsessing over these lies.  It is irrelevant to my future and likely detrimental to my current wellbeing.  Great theory right?  Well I am definitely the 'coping' model rather than the 'super man' model -It is really hard to stop, and I am just now beginning to have some limited success.

It's still so hard to think of him with someone else though. I keep repeating to myself that they may be happy now, but that it will escalate eventually, like it always does.

I agree it is hard for me to imagine ':)ream Come True' (translation of her name... .ironic right?)  with someone else.  Further, I agree with you her next relationship will be tumultuous and painful -but in this I feel deeply sad for her.  I do not believe she will ever get the help she needs to have a happy, safe, and fulfilling relationship -and although she is no longer mine it still makes me sad.

That know he doesn't message me anymore, when he messaged his other exes all the time after they broke up. Apparently he doesn't care about me.

Are you certain about this?  Yes -The silence is deafening, but you are getting different treatment and this is special. 

Believe me I understand the obsessive thoughts and the pain, but try to focus on yourself and your needs -easier said than done, but it is the path to recovery.  Try to get out and take a walk a day if you can.  Read for pleasure, try to find things you can do just for you.  --I understand how daunting this can be.  I have to literally force myself to get on my bicycle, but I am always glad I did once I am done.


Wicker Man

[blooming]

That's sad news for you regarding your therapist.  You could really use the support right now.  Have you thought about getting another therapist for the immediate future?

I have thought about it, but I'm not sure I can afford it and I've had my therapist for over 5 years (also during my whole eating disorder) so it would be really weird to have another one I think.

Blooming have you considered the alternative, that he is actually respecting and in some ways protecting you by not contacting you?  Perhaps he deep down realises how much he hurt you and is in fact treating you better than his other exes by removing himself from your life and allowing you the space and freedom from further pain to move forwards in yourself?  It could actually be a sign that he does care about your wellbeing that he is leaving you alone as he knows his behaviour patterns are damaging for you long term. 

It could be, but it seems unlikely because I think he hurt some of his other exes a lot more than me and he didn't do it with them, so why would he with me? And I know that with one of his exes he was actually in therapy because of losing her and he kept on begging her to take him back. Or at least that's what he told me of course. But I wouldn't see why he would lie about that.

Also if that's true, it would mean that he maybe matured? Which scares me because that means that maybe in his next relationship he will be able to have a normal relationship and that girl will be able to keep him happy.

My ex partner was very aware of what he had done to me and the massive impact he had caused in my life.  When I told him I wanted no further contact he was upset but understood and agreed.  I know he remained very heavily involved with some of his previous partners, but I choose to believe that he is treating me with more care than that and respecting my wishes after all the damage that was done in our r/s and after it ended.

You have the power to choose to believe what you will about why he isn't in touch right now.  Deep down I think you know that with your low self esteem this r/s could not have ever been healthy for you, as much as it hurts to have to let it go.  Could you re frame the lack of contact into a positive if that helps you to focus on yourself and your own needs?

Love and light x

I will try to reframe it, but it's difficult. I also don't understand why he contacted me that one time over two weeks ago asking me to go to a concert with him and opening up about how he and his family were doing and that afterwards he didn't contact me again. That conversation didn't really seem like a closing conversation.

[blooming]

Would it be possible to send your therapist a note and ask for a referral until she is back from pregnancy leave?  Further do you have any trusted friends or family you can reach out to?

I don't think she's reachable, but I could go to my GP and ask her. I'm not sure though. It seems kind of selfish to seek help for this when I know that there are others that need it a lot more than me. Yes I have amazing friends and family. I do notice that they have grown tired of my negative thoughts and my struggles after over half a year of this. The only one that I talk about it with now is my mother, because I don't want to burden my friends any more.

You just summed up my personal struggle.  Word for word I feel precisely the same.  If I may, I am coming to the conclusion I will never be able to sort out when my ex was lying and to what extent.  She had... .well... .a flirtatious relationship with the truth.  Ironically, for someone who lied so often she was terrible at it!  She couldn't keep the lies straight in her head -in 20/20 hindsight I believe she was uncomfortable or perhaps even sad about what she had done, so she was lying in a half hearted manner.

Sad to hear that you're feeling the same. My ex was actually really good at lying. I only found out about his lies because I spoke to some of his exes and people who where close to them.

What I am currently trying to do is stop obsessing over these lies.  It is irrelevant to my future and likely detrimental to my current wellbeing.  Great theory right?  Well I am definitely the 'coping' model rather than the 'super man' model -It is really hard to stop, and I am just now beginning to have some limited success.
I agree it is hard for me to imagine ':)ream Come True' (translation of her name... .ironic right?)  with someone else.  Further, I agree with you her next relationship will be tumultuous and painful -but in this I feel deeply sad for her.  I do not believe she will ever get the help she needs to have a happy, safe, and fulfilling relationship -and although she is no longer mine it still makes me sad.

That would make me very sad as well, that thought. I hope my ex will one day seek the help he needs, because he does have clear moments in which he realises that he has a problem. Other moments I keep thinking that it was all in my head and that maybe he doesn't have a problem after all and that he just didn't find the right person yet and that next try it'll work out for him. That thought tortures me.
 

Are you certain about this?  Yes -The silence is deafening, but you are getting different treatment and this is special. 

Believe me I understand the obsessive thoughts and the pain, but try to focus on yourself and your needs -easier said than done, but it is the path to recovery.  Try to get out and take a walk a day if you can.  Read for pleasure, try to find things you can do just for you.  --I understand how daunting this can be.  I have to literally force myself to get on my bicycle, but I am always glad I did once I am done.


Wicker Man

Thank you Wicker Man, I never thought of seeing it as special treatment. It might be. But it just feels weird that he doesn't want to know how I'm doing. I keep thinking about the girl he's probably very happy with now.  I'll try to take a walk every day. It's a good idea. I need to come up with ways to break out of this negative spiral.

[Wicker Man]

I'll try to take a walk every day. It's a good idea. I need to come up with ways to break out of this negative spiral.

Good for you!

When I walk I try to focus on listening to the birds, the feeling of the sun on my shoulder, I make a point of observing the beauty in those things.


Perhaps have a look at Robert Jordan's 12 Rules for Life and Antidote to Chaos. 

He has a great written voice and a very positive and straight forward way of conveying his knowledge.  He talks about doing small and easy things to be proud of  --as simple as taking a walk.  These accomplishments each day  gives you a point of pride.  Slowly we as we add more of these small accomplishments each day and have more and more to be proud of.

Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

I'm not sure though. It seems kind of selfish to seek help for this when I know that there are others that need it a lot more than me. Yes I have amazing friends and family. I do notice that they have grown tired of my negative thoughts and my struggles after over half a year of this

I was thinking about what you had written and felt the need to offer you my further opinion. 

If you feel you could benefit from therapy then seek it out.  Do not consider the presumed needs of unknown others. 

It is incredibly brave to admit the need for help and even more brave to take action actually seeking that help.

It is not out of weakness I see my therapist, but out of the strength! I recognize I do not have the tools mentally and emotionally, at this point in my life, which best suit my pursuit for wellbeing.

I lean on my friends because I know they understand I would do the same and more for them were the tables turned.  This is my definition of a friend. 

... .and yep Mom's are great --yay mom! 


Wicker Man

[blooming]

Good for you!

When I walk I try to focus on listening to the birds, the feeling of the sun on my shoulder, I make a point of observing the beauty in those things.


Perhaps have a look at Robert Jordan's 12 Rules for Life and Antidote to Chaos. 

He has a great written voice and a very positive and straight forward way of conveying his knowledge.  He talks about doing small and easy things to be proud of  --as simple as taking a walk.  These accomplishments each day  gives you a point of pride.  Slowly we as we add more of these small accomplishments each day and have more and more to be proud of.

Wicker Man

I'll look him up, sounds like a very nice way to live your life.

[blooming]

I was thinking about what you had written and felt the need to offer you my further opinion. 

If you feel you could benefit from therapy then seek it out.  Do not consider the presumed needs of unknown others. 

It is incredibly brave to admit the need for help and even more brave to take action actually seeking that help.

It is not out of weakness I see my therapist, but out of the strength! I recognize I do not have the tools mentally and emotionally, at this point in my life, which best suit my pursuit for wellbeing.

I lean on my friends because I know they understand I would do the same and more for them were the tables turned.  This is my definition of a friend. 

... .and yep Mom's are great --yay mom! 


Wicker Man

It's just that in the country I live in there's a system where you need a reference from a GP to get therapy, and for that reference you need a diagnosis or a clear problem. I don't think struggling with breaking up from a potential BPD person (very likely, but he isn't diagnosed because he doesn't want help) will be good enough to have a right to therapy, unfortunately. I have to do it myself now.

And you're right, I would do the same to my friends. I just notice they're done talking about it. When I start talking about it they don't pay any attention anymore. They pretty much just sigh and say move on. They don't understand why I struggle so much, why I can't let go when he's hurt me so much. So I can't really talk about it with them anymore.

[blooming]

I'm just so tired of thinking about this ex of his and how their relationship was so much better than ours. I just wish I knew their story. How is it possible that they were together for 3 years? That when they tried again after their first break up it actually worked again? Because with us it never did. We never really truly got back together. They did. How? What could I have done differently? Did he love her that much more? What was so great about her and their relationship? In what aspect did I fail him? Is it really true that he cheated on her with his ex? Or were they broken up during that period? Why did he tell his ex that he and the 3-year-ex were only together for half a year? And why did she believe it when you can clearly see on facebook that that's not the case? Did he really say he went to Berlin with friends when he went with her? Because he also went to another place in Germany that summer and there he did go with friends, so maybe the ex I talked to just remembered it wrong. It just sucks that I don't know the whole story/timeline so I'll never know what happened and what didn't. And it's just so hard to believe that he cheated on that perfect girlfriend of his for such a long time. Especially with the way he used to talk about her and that song I found that he had written during our relationship about how she was his soulmate and he had made the worng decision and still missed her. I just don't know to let go of her. I feel like such a nobody compared to her. Like our relationship meant nothing to him. I was just distraction from the pain he still felt for her.

[Wicker Man]

It's just that in the country I live in there's a system where you need a reference from a GP to get therapy, and for that reference you need a diagnosis or a clear problem.

At the risk of being presumptuous I think you could make an argument for light depression.  I know I fit the bill.

They pretty much just sigh and say move on. They don't understand why I struggle so much, why I can't let go when he's hurt me so much. So I can't really talk about it with them anymore.

Perhaps therein lies the key.  Don't talk to them about 'him' talk to them about how to move on.  If your friends say 'just move on' ask them for advice.  When I speak with friends I do my best to not mention ':)ream Come True' (the translation of my ex's name... .Ironic no?)  I try to talk about my future and how to get my feet back under me.  Sometimes I just talk about cooking or work.   Having companionship is important during hard times.


Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

I'm just so tired of thinking about this ex of his and how their relationship was so much better than ours. I just wish I knew their story. How is it possible that they were together for 3 years?

Check your premise.  They were together for 3 years... .You are assuming it was good.  I was in a 20 year marriage with someone suffering from a different personality disorder... .  It was long yes... .Good?  well that is a different story.  I am currently trying to make it better, but it is going to be a very long and hard road.

The rest of what you wrote in your last post resonates with me.  The 'what if' questions the endless 'whys'.  It seems to be part of ending a relationship with someone suffering from BPD.  I don't know how much time you spend reading other people's threads here on BPD Family, but the stories all seem to have a similar tone. -confusion, pain, regret. 

Time will help heal these wounds.  Try to get out and walk, as we discussed earlier, try to stay active and keep your mind busy.

Closure will not come from him it needs to come from within.  ':)ream Come True' lives with one foot in fantasy and the other foot lightly resting in reality.  Even if I were to break No contact (which I will not do) and ask her about what happened I could not expect the truth -I don't think she knows.  It would only make both of us feel worse.  She and I both need to heal and get on with our separate lives. 

--I say this as much for you as I do to remind myself.

Wicker Man

[blooming]

Check your premise.  They were together for 3 years... .You are assuming it was good.  I was in a 20 year marriage with someone suffering from a different personality disorder... .  It was long yes... .Good?  well that is a different story.  I am currently trying to make it better, but it is going to be a very long and hard road.

Of course I do not know the details. But there must have been a reason for him to stay with her as long as he did. So much longer than all his other relationships. She must have done something right or had something that I didn't have. I know their relationship wasn't perfect. Otherwise why would he have still been in contact with that other ex, telling her that he had only been in a relationship for half a year with this perfect girlfriend, even though they were still together then. And he most probably cheated on that perfect girlriend with that other ex for over half a year. And I know that one time this perfect girlfriend and he had such a big fight that she kicked him straight in the balls in the middle of the street. And she deleted him on facebook after they finally broke up and only added him again 1.5 years later. But still. He talks about her like she's his dream woman, like he'll never find anyone better, like he'll never get over her. That's just so hard to cope with. I don't know how. I just feel like such a failure because I couldn't live up to her. I don't know how to let go of that. I wish I knew what I should have done differently.

The rest of what you wrote in your last post resonates with me.  The 'what if' questions the endless 'whys'.  It seems to be part of ending a relationship with someone suffering from BPD.  I don't know how much time you spend reading other people's threads here on BPD Family, but the stories all seem to have a similar tone. -confusion, pain, regret. 

Time will help heal these wounds.  Try to get out and walk, as we discussed earlier, try to stay active and keep your mind busy.

Closure will not come from him it needs to come from within.  ':)ream Come True' lives with one foot in fantasy and the other foot lightly resting in reality.  Even if I were to break No contact (which I will not do) and ask her about what happened I could not expect the truth -I don't think she knows.  It would only make both of us feel worse.  She and I both need to heal and get on with our separate lives. 

--I say this as much for you as I do to remind myself.

Wicker Man

Yes I have read quite some other stories and they seem quite similar indeed.

You're right. I need to heal. And time will do that. I need to let him go. Need to try and see this as a relief, as a release. It's just so difficult. It's so hard not having him in my life. Knowing he's most probably very happy with another now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blooming,

How are you doing?

I can see he has been very convincing about this past r/s and it has obviously struck a chord, just as many painful things that were said to me have impacted me, so I understand.  It can be very hard to let those things go.  But let go you must as holding onto them is drawing out the pain for you and there is pain enough without that.   

Regards getting referred for therapy, I believe you have said in another thread (and correct me if I'm wrong) that you have struggled with low self esteem in an ongoing way, and this in itself is something that can be worked through with CBT, as you're aware I'm sure from your previous therapy.  Low self opinion can keep us trapped in feeling not good enough and thinking we are the problem.  If your GP has any knowledge of the impacts of pervasive low self esteem on a person's life they will refer you for support with this.  I'd suggest it's worth having a chat with them and explaining how you are struggling with certain repetitive thoughts right now, so that they can assess how they can best support you.  You are no less worthy of help and support from them than anyone else and only squeaky wheels get oiled.  Too many people suffer in silence and I've been one of them in the past, so I say this with love and hope that you will take good care of yourself and get help to feel better. 

Love and light x

[blooming]

Hi Blooming,

How are you doing?

Thank you for asking HQ! I'm currently not doing very well unfortunately. Since my ex contacted me on Wednesday I've hardly been sleeping. It just sucks how many feelings it brought up. I thought I was stronger than that. I know it's better that it's over and I know I should never ever want him back, but unfortunately my heart doesn't feel that. This conversation we had has stirred everything up that had sunk away from the surface a little bit. I miss him so much again. I know he doesn't want me anymore, but still it hurts. I keep thinking about whoever he's with now. This morning I messaged a girl I know he's dated with for quite some time (never officially a relationship, he dated with others simultaneously) to ask how she's doing (I know her quite well but haven't spoken to her in a few months) and she still hasn't replied so now I'm immediately scared that he's back together with her.

I can see he has been very convincing about this past r/s and it has obviously struck a chord, just as many painful things that were said to me have impacted me, so I understand.  It can be very hard to let those things go.  But let go you must as holding onto them is drawing out the pain for you and there is pain enough without that.   

You are very right. It brings me nothing to keep on thinking about how and why she is so much better than me. It only hurts so much and is keeping me in the past. I just don't know how to let go. How to stop thinking about her.

Regards getting referred for therapy, I believe you have said in another thread (and correct me if I'm wrong) that you have struggled with low self esteem in an ongoing way, and this in itself is something that can be worked through with CBT, as you're aware I'm sure from your previous therapy.  Low self opinion can keep us trapped in feeling not good enough and thinking we are the problem.  If your GP has any knowledge of the impacts of pervasive low self esteem on a person's life they will refer you for support with this.  I'd suggest it's worth having a chat with them and explaining how you are struggling with certain repetitive thoughts right now, so that they can assess how they can best support you.  You are no less worthy of help and support from them than anyone else and only squeaky wheels get oiled.  Too many people suffer in silence and I've been one of them in the past, so I say this with love and hope that you will take good care of yourself and get help to feel better. 

Love and light x

I have had anorexia nervosa for 3 years in the past and that's why I was seeing a therapist. The illness is gone now, but the low self esteem that party caused it isn't. The low self esteem was why I started seeing my therapist again, but I wasn't in the right headspace to work on it with my ex still being in my life. My self esteem was/is only getting worse. My therapist advised me to first wait until my ex is more in the back of my mind before seeing someone for working on my self esteem. So I don't think I can get a referral for that now unfortunately

[Harley Quinn]

Dashing out to collect my son from nursery but wanted to respond quickly to you.  I have to give you huge credit for overcoming anorexia.  That is no small feat.  You have strength in you that you maybe don't realise you have Blooming.  Firstly it took great courage and self awareness to seek help with that and also for getting yourself the therapy to tackle the self esteem that you struggle with. 

I'd still encourage you to speak to your doctor about how you're doing, as they may recommend a low level medication to help you to reduce the invasive thoughts in the short term, or some other type of talking therapy for the moment to meet your immediate needs.  It's worth a try. 

Love and light x     

[Wicker Man]

I don't think I can get a referral for that now unfortunately

You will never know unless you try.  The worst thing that could happen from trying to get an immediate referral, while your therapist is on maternity leave, is that they say no.  --So maybe give it a try.  State your case and see what the GP says.

 If I am not sure of an answer I figure I lose nothing by asking --I am guileless when it comes to asking questions.

Personally, I am having one hell of a time getting over my undiagnosed borderline lover.  It isn't like processing and accepting the loss of anyone else in my past and I am very thankful for the guidance I am receiving through therapy and reading.

You are not alone in these feelings of confusion, pain and intrusive thoughts.


Wicker Man