Sick of my BPD wife (suicide attempt)

[IWantToLive]

Hi All,

I have another thread "Tired of my BPD wife" and starting a new one.

It has now been over a month that my BPD wife has been giving me a Silent Treatment. It has gone so long this time coz this time I have decided that I am not breaking it. Discussions are transactional or none. In between, however, she has fought with me over my mum or how a woman is going bitching about her since the friendship between the 2 got over last year (as per my wife she was getting too intrusive with our family life and that there could be something between her friend and I (when I actually never liked her friend and never spoke to her straight face).

So, yesterday night, my wife got drunk and was attempting to jump off from our balcony (we are on 10th floor). I woke up due to the noise and then kept following her on her every attempt. This is now getting on my nerves and I have no clue how to handle her. Finally, she locked herself in the room (with no balcony) and once I was sure she has slept I went back to my room (she has been sleeping in a different room for over a month now.)

Earlier she used to leave the house or in her rage pick up a knife. In her rage, she can use all cuss words in front of kids with no remorse.

With 2 kids and a high pressure job, I feel like a mess myself.

Please help!

Regards,
IWantToLive

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[Enabler]

Hey IW2L, this has escalated a lot. You must be terrified. I know how it feels to have the fear that my wife would cut when I left her, I can't imagine how this must be torturing your mind.

You're back in the US now and no longer seconded away right? Your Mother has gone home?

How did you get her back from the edge?

I have no specifically useful insight re the suicide attempt but there's plenty of help on it's way I'm sure from other members. I have worked through years of ST before but my guess is the behaviors have upped to a new higher level, she doesn't care how she gets your attention and maybe ST didn't get the reaction she wanted (and got in the past) so she's upped her game... .and now you're listening.

Thinking of you buddy,

Enabler

[NGU]

Hey. I went through your old posts. Staying has been difficult for you, and you've dealt with a lot. The wedding ring, the divorce papers, knives, the way she acts in front of your children.

About a year and a half ago you mentioned that you had yet to meet a good therapist, but I couldn't find a reference to whether she's actually diagnosed and/or in therapy.

This is obviously important now, because of the balcony episode. She might need some professional help.

But I don't want to assume it will be possible for you to breach this topic with her. So one more thing... .

It took me quite a few years to figure this out, but my wife's own extreme reactions are all tied to her not feeling like I'm listening or understanding her. And the longer she feels that way, the more extreme she gets. Yelling to throwing things to a kitchen knife hovering at her own wrist.

You currently have a two-way silent treatment going on. Do you think any of her negative behaviors can be tied to a similar feeling of not being heard or understood?

[Edit: Just saw that Enabler posted while I was typing this and mentioned attention seeking.]
 
-ngu

[IWantToLive]

Thanks Enabler for the response.

I am actually in India and this time luckily found an assignment in my city itself. So, no travel. Yes, mum is long gone but from her end she tried keeping up with my wife by talking to her couple of times.

I pulled her back every time and took her to the room where she sleeps these days. Every time she pushed me out and locked the room before coming out and making another attempt. Finally, guess the drink took its toll and she slept. I kept guard for about an hour watching the door. When I was convinced she has slept, I went to bed but couldn't manage a good night sleep.

Morning, as usual, she went about daily chores but no communication with me. While leaving for work I tried saying bye but no response. Other than that I didn't make any attempt to talk to her. Not sure what evening will be like or if I should even make an attempt to talk which basically means, as you said, she has got my attention.

Am frustrated to core. Not sure if I should involve family or keep suffering alone. And, for how long? Luckily, as she wasn't shouting as usual this time, kids got their good night sleep.

[Enabler]

Explaining to family is not something you can do with ease in my experience. Typically you get a lot of odd comments and attempts to twist it back round to being something within the realms of "normal". From what you have said in the past, your mother has experienced some of the behavior but is also part of the conflict (which is understandable since MILs are always the cause of some friction). Your wife kept a mask on whilst your mother was there even though it did slip on occasions. I suppose what I am saying is that your family is not a short term solution and will take time to educate them.

In my very simplistic view I see 3 groups of people who need protection from suicide (or attempts)
- Kids, they didn't hear anything last night, what have they heard and what have they seen, what might they see and how might it affect them seeing their mother threaten to jump off a 10th floor balcony?
- Your wife, only she can stop herself carrying out what she threatens to do
- You... .running around with knives is not good, even if it's tantrums accidents happen. What happens if she jumps? What would the police in India likely think, who would be their primary suspect and what natural conclusion do you think they will come up with?

I'm sorry if that sounds alarmist, but you cannot stop your wife from killing herself if that is truly what she intends to do. I know this is horrible but rationally, thinking about YOU is also part of the agenda because you and your kids safety is within your control. Am I right in thinking you have cameras and microphones in the house for the nanny?

[IWantToLive]

About a year and a half ago you mentioned that you had yet to meet a good therapist, but I couldn't find a reference to whether she's actually diagnosed and/or in therapy.

This is obviously important now, because of the balcony episode. She might need some professional help.

But I don't want to assume it will be possible for you to breach this topic with her.

Thanks NGU! I tried discussing last year for her to see a professional. She refused stating that I am the mad one of the two and that I should go and meet one. I offered that too but the discussion went nowhere. I do feel she needs to meet one but not sure how to convince her. Or rather, she should first see the need to see one and then maybe I can help her. Wishful thinking.

It took me quite a few years to figure this out, but my wife's own extreme reactions are all tied to her not feeling like I'm listening or understanding her. And the longer she feels that way, the more extreme she gets. Yelling to throwing things to a kitchen knife hovering at her own wrist.

You currently have a two-way silent treatment going on. Do you think any of her negative behaviors can be tied to a similar feeling of not being heard or understood?

It could be. It is not that am not all ears to her. Example, one of the reasons she is raging is that her former friend seems to be badmouthing her on her back. I heard her (umpteen times) and told her, "I can understand you but you have a busy practice and do you really have time to think about this? You should focus on how best you can treat your patients and they will go spread a good word of mouth. Your former friend on the other hand doesn't have a job, does not want to have one, so obviously she would go bitching about."

Maybe, this is not what she wants to hear from me and hence her rage continues. Or, maybe, as she has mentioned many times before that I don't go after her and patching up with her. I have stopped doing this ever since I came across this forum in Sep 2016 when I realized how wrong I was to go after her every time she used to give me a silent treatment. This forum has been an eyeopener for me. As a result, I did taste some success in her becoming normal on her own. This time though it has gone on for too long. It is not that I am giving her a silent treatment. I am normal with kids in her presence and I try to speak as well with her but when she shrugs me off, I back off and so things are now transactional.

While she rages, she talks two extremes in same breath. Example, "I was a fool to be dependent on you. I can be on my own and I want to separate." to "I am not letting you go have an easy life. I will live here and continue to be like this and frustrate you to the extent that you will beg to be let go."

[IWantToLive]

I'm sorry if that sounds alarmist, but you cannot stop your wife from killing herself if that is truly what she intends to do. I know this is horrible but rationally, thinking about YOU is also part of the agenda because you and your kids safety is within your control. Am I right in thinking you have cameras and microphones in the house for the nanny?

I agree with you, Enabler. I am concerned about kids and myself first now. All these years, I was concerned about her more and I feel I am responsible for it. Can you imagine she asking me to charge her smartwatch or that I don't spend on her when actually all credit card bills are paid from my account that includes her shopping and her visits to beauty parlors (she doesn't understand the difference between credit card and debit card till date and she feels she is spending from her account)!

Her parents agree with me to a large extent of her behavior but I can't tell them about what happened yesterday or maybe, am not sure if I should! As per them, she has turned this after marriage, she wasn't like this in her childhood.

Yes, I have cameras in the house and yesterday's drama is all captured on it.

[Enabler]

"I can understand you but you have a busy practice and do you really have time to think about this? You should focus on how best you can treat your patients and they will go spread a good word of mouth. Your former friend on the other hand doesn't have a job, does not want to have one, so obviously she would go bitching about."

You are coming up with solutions for her, you know from experience that finding solutions for her will only provoke an angry backlash against you. She doesn't want solutions, she wants people to understand how hurt she is by the injustice (even if there is no injustice and it could well be very deserved) of her ex-friend badmouthing her. You partially validated the feeling but totally invalidated her sense of injustice and also told her what she shouldn't be doing.

"Wow, it sucks when people talk about you behind your back. That must be horrible for you. Some people have too much spare time on their hands" THE END

Do not advise, state facts about feelings, do not make it about you, this is about how this feels to her. Do not offer advice unless you are ask for it and always try and turn it round to something along the lines of "I'm not sure, sounds complex, what do you think YOU should do about this?"

Recueing is to be avoided you are right, however listening, understanding and validating emotions in a caring compassionate way is to be encouraged. She is capable of coming up with her own solutions, your job is not to determine whether or not those solutions are right or wrong but more highlight the potential consequences of those actions.

IW2L - What do you think you can do about the friend badmouthing you?
IW2Lw - I'm going to go round there and beat her up
IW2L - Well yes, you could do that but it's highly likely you'll get caught, put in jail and our kids would grow up without their mother to look after them.
IW2Lw - Hmmm yes, even though you think I'm a rubbish mother, I know I'm not and they need me, besides, I wouldn't be around to make your life hell. I could just talk to her, or even better I could just ignore these small minded people who don't have jobs and have too much spare time on their hands.

How do you let your wife know that you are listening to her?
Do you get anxiety almost to the point of desperation to make a counter point? I find this happens with me... .the compunction to retort rather than listen is overwhelming.

Sometimes ST is a mechanism not just to wound, but also a defense mechanism. My wife for example doesn't want to talk to me because I hurt her when I talk as I invalidate her. It's more comfortable for her to not talk, not hear the pain she has caused me, not feel any guilt or shame and not feel like she is the broken one. Other times it's because she knows she is wrong, broken and shameful and therefore hiding herself, hiding her inner wrongness.

[Enabler]

Her parents agree with me to a large extent of her behavior but I can't tell them about what happened yesterday or maybe, am not sure if I should! As per them, she has turned this after marriage, she wasn't like this in her childhood.

Yes, I have cameras in the house and yesterday's drama is all captured on it.

Firstly, that's awesome you have cameras capturing the whole thing for your protection. Does it have sound as well as pictures?

Secondly, I don't know whether or not this behavior was prevalent before she got married, it could have been hidden from her parents (I know my in-laws were not aware of my wife's self harm). How many parents want to admit that their son/daughter had a personality disorder and they did nothing? It's very tough to admit to yourself that you dropped the ball and potentially messed up your kids.

[IWantToLive]

Recueing is to be avoided you are right, however listening, understanding and validating emotions in a caring compassionate way is to be encouraged. She is capable of coming up with her own solutions, your job is not to determine whether or not those solutions are right or wrong but more highlight the potential consequences of those actions.
How do you let your wife know that you are listening to her?
Do you get anxiety almost to the point of desperation to make a counter point? I find this happens with me... .the compunction to retort rather than listen is overwhelming.

Sometimes ST is a mechanism not just to wound, but also a defense mechanism. My wife for example doesn't want to talk to me because I hurt her when I talk as I invalidate her. It's more comfortable for her to not talk, not hear the pain she has caused me, not feel any guilt or shame and not feel like she is the broken one. Other times it's because she knows she is wrong, broken and shameful and therefore hiding herself, hiding her inner wrongness.

I understand you now. Yes, I do get anxious and desperate, more so when I am accused of something which I have not done (specifically the point of me hitting at other ladies). Should I then patch up today with her? But then that will be like not setting the boundary of what is not acceptable by me. Or, how do I play it when I see her today again?

[Enabler]

Apologizing for things you haven't done is not the way forward, treating her words with the acknowledgement they deserve is... .and what they deserve is no acknowledgement. The thing is, she feels as though you are hitting on other women, even though your actions may not even indicate so, you denying this fact (since feeling = fact in her world) is like denying the sky is blue... .she knows. It is better therefore to address what you can validate, which is her feelings. It would be horrible if you thought your spouse was having an affair and hitting on other women, horrible. Validate the feeling, don't validate the invalid.

"It must be horrible feeling like I've been hitting on other women, I would never want you to feel that way"

If she says something it's likely that she believes it to some level. Denying her truth is not going to make her adopt your truth, so don't waste your breath. In fact even the act of trying will enrage her because she then believes you're even more of a liar.

Re the ST, do not try and break the ST. You can fish to see if the ST has broken but if the response is the same, leave it. You cannot force someone to communicate with you, you have to show that it doesn't work as a tool to hurt you (if that's her motivation). By ignoring the ST you blunt the weapon. If she picks up a sharper weapon which involves communication then listen with no judgement, say as little as possible and quash the desire to say anything that acknowledgement, the silences maybe long and painful but sit with it and tolerate it. It's like squeezing a sponge, the last bits are the hardest to get out, but they are the unicorn tears.

[IWantToLive]

Thanks Enabler. It has been rough and when I get time, I will post more. Unable to PM you.