I feel I am relapsing

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's so frustrating, my exgirlfriend broke up with me in Nov 2017. As is often the case it was sudden and unforeseen. However, we carried on texting and then she became annoyed with an email I sent, so again renforced the breakup. After I explained the rationale behind my email, we started texting again. It was hard though as it was an emotional rollercoaster as each day the texts varied between negativity about me (how I pushed her away, did not make her feel special, talked about my exes too much, did not accept her kids enough and the list went on), but then she would offer glimmers of hope by asking, did I miss her, did I think she was special, did. I miss walking with her and how she had to think about things. This pattern continued from the end of Dec 2017 to the end of Jan 2018. During this time she refused to meet or take direct phone calls from me. She would also say things such as, 'shame I messed up a walk with her but that cannot be changed now'.

On the 02 Feb 2018 after a litany of negative texts and an inference she was possibly meeting someone, although I could have just misread this, I suggested some space. This led her to state, 'I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me'.

During Feb to early March 2018 after being blocked I sent a a few letters explaining I meant temporary space so I could concentrate on a new job and also explained how she was important to me given she appeared to think she wasn't according to her comments anyway. I also tried to address some of her concerns about me. I heard nothing, so I sent a final brief letter having to accept that she did not want to engage with me, so I explained I would not write further, but if she ever changed her mind then she knows where I am. I even included a drawing of her dog I did before Xmas and did not have the opportunity to give her. I did not have the heart to just throw it away even though she refused to accept Xmas presents from me. I still have the presents for her and her children in my spare room.

I also need to add prior to Nov 2017, she was declaring deep love and how an angel had sent me to her and how she was hoping for engagement after eight dates.

Anyway a couple of days after I sent the final letter and drawing I received a phone call from the police as she had contacted them to say she wanted a clean break. The police said it was informal at this stage, but their advice was not to write further otherwise it could end up in legal terrain. Needless to say I have not reached out since. I could not afford to jeopardise my professional status. I have never had contact with the police in my life.

I thought I was making good progress and trying to move on, but in the last few days I have found it exceptionally tough and I had to really stop myself reaching out to her. I am struggling with how someone can be so attentive and caring and then flip to being so cold and detached. I feel like I am the same person and have a lot to offer, but she clearly does not see this for reasons unbeknown to me.

I feel if I reach out she could just contact the police. It's worth reiterating that all my interactions with her hitherto when I did engage were friendly and reasoned. I have never been aggressive or unpleasant towards her whatsoever. My letters 4 in total over a period of a month and a half were friendly, lighthearted and affectionate.

I find it so frustrating and sad and wish there was something I could do to improve matters between us. I cannot see what has changed for her to feel so bitter towards me. But I am at a loss as to what I can realistically do. My view is that as she has ended the relationship and blocked me, plus contacted the police, then the onus would have to come from her. I really miss her and just seem to be stuck, but the fact she does not reach out means I have no options at my disposal. I just wish I could be in the same place as her.

[Inko51]

It's so frustrating, my exgirlfriend broke up with me in Nov 2017. As is often the case it was sudden and unforeseen. However, we carried on texting and then she became annoyed with an email I sent, so again renforced the breakup. After I explained the rationale behind my email, we started texting again. It was hard though as it was an emotional rollercoaster as each day the texts varied between negativity about me (how I pushed her away, did not make her feel special, talked about my exes too much, did not accept her kids enough and the list went on), but then she would offer glimmers of hope by asking, did I miss her, did I think she was special, did. I miss walking with her and how she had to think about things. This pattern continued from the end of Dec 2017 to the end of Jan 2018. During this time she refused to meet or take direct phone calls from me. She would also say things such as, 'shame I messed up a walk with her but that cannot be changed now'.

On the 02 Feb 2018 after a litany of negative texts and an inference she was possibly meeting someone, although I could have just misread this, I suggested some space. This led her to state, 'I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me'.

During Feb to early March 2018 after being blocked I sent a a few letters explaining I meant temporary space so I could concentrate on a new job and also explained how she was important to me given she appeared to think she wasn't according to her comments anyway. I also tried to address some of her concerns about me. I heard nothing, so I sent a final brief letter having to accept that she did not want to engage with me, so I explained I would not write further, but if she ever changed her mind then she knows where I am. I even included a drawing of her dog I did before Xmas and did not have the opportunity to give her. I did not have the heart to just throw it away even though she refused to accept Xmas presents from me. I still have the presents for her and her children in my spare room.

I also need to add prior to Nov 2017, she was declaring deep love and how an angel had sent me to her and how she was hoping for engagement after eight dates.

Anyway a couple of days after I sent the final letter and drawing I received a phone call from the police as she had contacted them to say she wanted a clean break. The police said it was informal at this stage, but their advice was not to write further otherwise it could end up in legal terrain. Needless to say I have not reached out since. I could not afford to jeopardise my professional status. I have never had contact with the police in my life.

I thought I was making good progress and trying to move on, but in the last few days I have found it exceptionally tough and I had to really stop myself reaching out to her. I am struggling with how someone can be so attentive and caring and then flip to being so cold and detached. I feel like I am the same person and have a lot to offer, but she clearly does not see this for reasons unbeknown to me.

I feel if I reach out she could just contact the police. It's worth reiterating that all my interactions with her hitherto when I did engage were friendly and reasoned. I have never been aggressive or unpleasant towards her whatsoever. My letters 4 in total over a period of a month and a half were friendly, lighthearted and affectionate.

I find it so frustrating and sad and wish there was something I could do to improve matters between us. I cannot see what has changed for her to feel so bitter towards me. But I am at a loss as to what I can realistically do. My view is that as she has ended the relationship and blocked me, plus contacted the police, then the onus would have to come from her. I really miss her and just seem to be stuck, but the fact she does not reach out means I have no options at my disposal. I just wish I could be in the same place as her.

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[FaithfulInLove]

Hello Inko51!

It's a lot of pain to see a loved person just step away, treating your beautiful past like nothing... .and not reaching out is the hardest.
The beginning of your story sounds a bit like mine. I asked my ex for space, went no contact for a short while - and for that he became angry with me and is ignoring me now... .

The advice I've become from members here is that giving space and not reaching out again is the best thing you can do for yourself and for the relationship. That pulling will make the pwBPD push you away further.

Focus on yourself, build yourself up again as much as you can in case she comes back. It's her turn to get in touch with you after all you did for her. I understand how difficult it is... .Especially with the police being involved l think that might be the best thing at the moment to try and stay silent.

Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice as I'm the one who keeps reaching out to my ex myself - it's the hardest thing to stay silent when there's still so much to say, still it really might be the best solution sometimes. Just wanted to pass on what I've learned here so far.

Stay strong, you're not alone

[Inko51]

Thank you FaithfulInLove,

I appreciate your comments. I think you are absolutely right, but as you say it's just so hard in practice. The police dimension does curb my actions in fairness, otherwise I would be sorely tempted to 'actually' reach out.

I keep active and have many interests and things happening, but nothing which fills this gaping hole. It's like the one final piece of the jigsaw of my life which is still missing to make my life complete.

It's helpful to know we are not alone in these situations, although the pain is not reduced. I appreciate it has to be her reaching out, but her history dictates she does not do this, so not sure she ever will, but what choice do I have? I just cannot risk a police intervention. She must have known this when she did it.

Not sure why it feels so bad at present. There are no specific triggers, but I have bored people to death with my situation. I get the notion I have to move on, but I just could not even contemplate starting a new relationship, irrespective of whether she has or not.

I hope your situation improves too and thank you for taking the time to respond.

[FaithfulInLove]

I know that all so well! As if a part of you is torn out, just gone... .I also know what it's like to bore friends and family out with the whole situation, everyone saying what l don't wanna hear or nothing at all- it's devastating!

Thank you too, for your nice wishes!

Guess we should really start focusing on self-care and -improvement, hoping our ex's will notice... .l mean, do we have a choice?

Moving on is no option for me either, but using the NC phase to become a better me.

Are you seeing a therapist? It helps me having someone l see once a week who still listens to what no one else wants to hear anymore, helps me detecting my own issues underneath the pain and work on it.

[Inko51]

Yes FaithfulInLove, we seem to share similar experiences. My emotions tend to be all over the show. One minute I'm steadfast that I'm moving on driven by anger at the way she has conducted herself, the next I feel sadness and disbelief. 

Don't get me wrong it's her right to end the relationship if that's what she wants, but it's the way she has done it and played around with me it feels.

I tried online coaching and it was helpful to a point, but when a coach said you have only been dating her a year and you need to move on, I don't feel it helped.


I also tried direct psychotherapy, but it tended to focus on my reactions, which I do understand are important, but there was no mention from either re: BPD. It would have been helpful to me to have some of this info. I almost fell upon this info by chance really.

You are right though - what choice do we have?