Daughter trying to lure me back into her web

[KCat]

KCat

I initiated minimal contact with my 39yo BPDd more than a year ago. I feel vulnerable because she has been turning on the charm for the last several weeks.  In the past I was like a fish biting the bait hoping that she had turned a corner, grown up etc.  I would set myself up for the next blowout and then become depressed thinking I had failed yet again.  She would go for months and even years shutting me out of her life and all she had to do was call and I'd be running back. I repeated these attempts at having a so called relationship for close to two decades. Last year the light in my brain finally went on and I said no more after my own meltdown.

The issue for me now is I still feel the old feelings like maybe we might have some sort of relationship, thought at this point I know it's impossible.  I went through a year of grief and loss, facing reality of what BPD is and that it's not going to change.  I have felt like I"m coming to a new place of acceptance and painful as it is, I'm in a much better place now than I was while trying to have a relationship with her.

I've read so many posts with a similar theme.  I hope that my story might encourage some others to step out of the destructive dance that I was locked into.  I finally realized that nothing I did was helping her while costing me any chance of well being

I'm grateful for being able to read and post on this site which has helped me so much.  It feels so good to know that I'm not alone.

KCat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithfulHope]

Dear KCat,   You are right... .you are not alone. I felt so alone for so many years until I found this site.   I kept trying to find other parents that had a child like mine... .for years and years.   When I found this site I read post after post for two days through tears because I finally found other parents who suffer like my husband and I do.   I am glad you are able to resume an arms length relationship with your adult child.   I agree you do grieve when you finally realize the hopes and dreams you have for your relationship will never come true.   I am glad you are able to reconnect with her even in a careful way.

[Feeling Better]

Hi KCat,

I am so pleased for you that you have decided to put yourself and your feelings first.

I get where you are coming from, somewhere from deep down within ourselves it’s still there, that wanting, maybe even a need to have some kind of relationship with our BPD adult child. But at what cost to ourselves? My uBPD son has turned his back on me and I am currently in the grieving process. It is hard and it is extremely painful so I know exactly what you yourself have been through and I can also understand why you would not want to put yourself through that again. At the moment I am still wanting to have some sort of relationship with my son but at the same time I am also aware that in the future this might change.

I’m so glad to hear that posting and being here on this site has helped you, it has helped me too x

[Huat]

Hi KCat

I have walked a mile or two in your shoes... .many hurtful periods of n/c with my daughter.  I know only too well when you write that you have grieved (are grieving) the death of a dream.  When we first hold those babes of ours in our arms, we have this dream of the wonderful future we are going to share with them.  Then reality hits, harder to some than to others.

I've read that there are 5 stages to grieving... .Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.  I don't know about you, but I do remember bouncing in and out of all those stages as I dealt with my daughter and her BPD behaviours.

Actually, it was my last stage of Anger that finally pushed me into Acceptance... .and I started to make changes (mind you... .a work-in-progress!).  Heaven knows my daughter was not about to change.  Why would she?   Her "reward" had always been watching the way I would react during one of her "episodes."  I never disappointed her.  That was then... .this is now.

So, KCat, there is nothing to say you have to go into any kind of a relationship ever again with your daughter.  If you do, though, it shouldn't be the same as you had before.  Check out all the info to the right  .  Be well-armed.  Mostly, work on having other things going on in your life, ... .volunteering, reading groups, whatever it is that turns your crank, things that bring some joy and feeling of fulfillment... .less of the focus on your daughter... .more of the focus on you... .and your world will be better.

Huat   ; )