When he's actually dysregulating, no amount of SET seems to work,

[Chosen]

I have sometimes used SET, and I suppose it's a tool that works when we're relatively calm (NOT in the heat of an argument).  It's a good daily communication tool.  I won't say I'm so much walking on eggshells anymore (right now he's dysregulating so I'm much more mindful of my words, but for instance I won't find myself shivering when he's talking to me, afraid of what he may say and afraid to respond), but I still have to be very careful of what I say around him- once he feels you're "against" him he stops listening.

However, when he's actually dysregulating, no amount of SET seems to work, mainly because EVERYTHING is my fault.  There is no room for validating his feelings because he expects me to apologise for everything (which is fine for things I have a part to play in, I'd apologise), then if I tell him I care about him/ his feelings he would say I'm lying, or my actions clearly speak otherwise, etc.  So what next?

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[heartandwhole]

However, when he's actually dysregulating, no amount of SET seems to work, mainly because EVERYTHING is my fault.  There is no room for validating his feelings because he expects me to apologise for everything (which is fine for things I have a part to play in, I'd apologise), then if I tell him I care about him/ his feelings he would say I'm lying, or my actions clearly speak otherwise, etc.  So what next?

That is so difficult, Chosen, I hear you! When someone is emotionally dysregulated, I'm not sure they can even process what we say, and I'm pretty confident that what we say and do will be filtered through a lens that matches their feelings inside.

In that case, I think you can only listen to his reality with empathy as much as you can, without agreeing with it. If whatever you say is distorted into something that causes further pain for him, I wouldn't say much.

Have you asked him in those moments how you can best help? How has he responded?

In my relationship with pwBPD, he asked me to stay put, for example, not to look at him, etc., in those moments. Even though we might be talking. Within minutes, usually, he'd calm down. Each person is unique, so maybe there is something he hasn't been able to communicate to you that would help. Granted that it falls within your values, of course. Your needs matter just as much. 

heartandwhole

[Sofi]

However, when he's actually dysregulating, no amount of SET seems to work, mainly because EVERYTHING is my fault.  There is no room for validating his feelings because he expects me to apologise for everything (which is fine for things I have a part to play in, I'd apologise), then if I tell him I care about him/ his feelings he would say I'm lying, or my actions clearly speak otherwise, etc.  So what next?

This is exactly what happens with me and my Husband. I make him feel... .  fill in the blank with any horrible emotion.  I’m told over and over how careless I am with my words, and I’m really not.

I don’t know how to validate his feelings when they are plainly not true.
I just stay quiet and then when he has verbally purged himself I say, I’m really sorry you feel that way.  I have a very different perspective.

what else can I do to stop this?
He holds it together for his work but it’s like he just must verbally explode about every 3-4 weeks and I’m the only safe person he has. 

[Calmcollected]

We all go through this. It’s really hard.

[Tattered Heart]

It's tough. But sometimes you do just have to ride out the storm. Think of dysregulation like a mountain. Once he starts up the mountain, he can't go back down the way he came, so he has to go down the other side.

I used to teach a class on this:

The pwBPD gets triggered. THis is the spot to use validation and stimulation. If that doesn't help then he moves up the mountain to escalation. WHen he hits crisis phase this is the peak of the escalation. The best thing to do during this time is the least amount of interaction. Then slowly things start to cool off as he moves into de-escalation, stabilization, then back to baseline.

[blooming]

Ah yes, this sounds so familiar, I struggle with this too. My upwBPD told me that it was best to try not to react to him when he was being like this, to try to walk away or just let him say his things and stay quiet. At some point he'd be done raging. Although I have to be honest, most of his worse dysregulating was via whatsapp, so in those moments it was very easy for me to walk away. I just messaged him "I do not think this conversation is making the situation better, so I think it's better to stop." and then let him rage on. Most of the time, after an hour or so, he'd calm down and (not always though) apologize for his behaviour. Validating also helps sometimes, but most of the time it's too late for that already.

It's hard though, because when he is dysregulating he hates me for acting like this. He feels like he can't win from me and like I'm above him. But I think reacting to him and trying to express my own opinion would only make it worse.

[SunandMoon]

When he's actually dysregulating is not the time to use SET.

SET can be useful afterwards when things are calm, when you can hear what they're saying and empathise with how they are feeling, while also stating your truth of how you see things.

Validation can help when you can see they are getting triggered or upset and you might be able to calm things down at that point but once they start dysregulating or raging, there's not much you can do.

When someone is emotionally dysregulated, I'm not sure they can even process what we say, and I'm pretty confident that what we say and do will be filtered through a lens that matches their feelings inside.

Heartandwhole puts it well. Even saying "I love you" will be filtered through a twisted lens and become invalidating.

I've found the only way to deal with it is to leave the conversation. I can read him so well now that when I see the signs that he's escalating and going to start raging, I'll just say something like "I am not getting into a fight with you about this" and immediately leave the room and go do something else.

Over the years I've tried everything and this is the only response that works for us.

Of course, he'd rather I stay but who needs to sit and listen to someone raving on about how horrible you are and how everything is your fault?

It isn't true but you can't defend yourself without making it worse; it doesn't help your relationship and how you feel about each other; it may alleviate his stress, but at what price to you?

When I leave, I don't raise my voice, I don't scowl or express any negative emotion, I just state that I'm not doing this and quietly leave.

I strongly believe he has to find another way to deal with his emotions that doesn't involve damage to our marriage. If you don't stick around for it or engage in it, they are forced to do something else.

Later, when things are calm again (not necessarily the same day) you can discuss in a kind way using validation, empathy, set and other tools.

This is what works for me but others may have other effective responses too.