I'm back after being gone for a while

[pbnjsandwich]

Hello all!
I miss being on BPD family. I realize that I need to visit more often as it helps me to sort through things.  My father passed away a few years ago. He was the BPD parent in my life.  He passed away at 86, so I had spent most of my life with someone who raged, manipulated and controlled his way through life. He drank and often times disconnected from his family, blaming us for not, "understanding him" Of course, the people who befriended him didn't get to see the full on rages and manipulative behavior because he was a professional at dodging it, but to his family we knew that something wasn't right with him and that he needed medical help. To this day, a friend of his will approach me with, "Your dad was a saint." So, that should tell you how well he could cover up his behavior if he had to.
With that kind of masked behavior, it's no wonder that my siblings and I deal with our own misconceptions of ourselves. In the past I never thought anyone would believe the pain that my father had caused, so I let him win by not saying anything. Now, as a grown adult, I tell the truth, not to hurt my father's reputation, but to tell the truth of it so that I'm part of that story.  That's one thing that living with a BPD parent has taught me, to be honest with myself. Every relationship has two sides to the story. It's not fair only giving that story to one person. So, I can say, "I loved my father to bits, 50 years of loving him, but I can also say that Dad needed medical help for his disorder and his drinking." Not one person has challenged me on that, because it's true. Loving some with BPD is a different kind of love. It has to be. It becomes a more honest relationship because it has to. I have to be 1/2 of the relationship where I am growing, maturing and becoming a good friend to myself. That's what I believe every sibling or child needs in their life is to see themselves in the relationship, not just the one that has BPD, or it really does become more about them and less about you.  That's 54 years of experience with BPD. Love thy self.

[HappyChappy]

In the past I never thought anyone would believe the pain that my father had caused, so I let him win by not saying anything... .Love thy self.

I imagine most people on this board would believe you. Your 54 years of experience will come in hand on this forum. I hear you when you say you need to become your own friend and love thy self. I admire your ability to love your BPD father. Welcome back. So do you feel at peace now, or are there still areas to work on ?

[pbnjsandwich]

I imagine most people on this board would believe you. Your 54 years of experience will come in hand on this forum. I hear you when you say you need to become your own friend and love thy self. I admire your ability to love your BPD father. Welcome back. So do you feel at peace now, or are there still areas to work on ?

That's a great question. I think that peace means that you did what you could do considering what the situation was. I think you realize that relationships are not black and white, but a variety of colors and, sometimes, that is good enough. So, yes, I'm okay with it and it's helped me in other relationships as well. :D

[HappyChappy]

Hey Pbnjsandwich,

It’s always great to hear success stories. Most people hit this forum at rock bottom, so hearing your success story will no doubt give many hope. Thanks for sharing. I feel I’ve come a long way, but phrases like “I’ve done all I can.” are well worth repeating.

[Kwamina]

Hi pbnjsandwhich

Welcome back!

Your BPD father passed away a few years ago. It is clear that you loved him dearly, yet you unfortunately also had to deal with his disordered behavior which isn't easy at all. Afther he passed away, did you perhaps feel as if you were entering a new stage of healing and also grieiving?

With that kind of masked behavior, it's no wonder that my siblings and I deal with our own misconceptions of ourselves.

What would you say were the biggest misconceptions you had of yourself?

Loving some with BPD is a different kind of love. It has to be. It becomes a more honest relationship because it has to. I have to be 1/2 of the relationship where I am growing, maturing and becoming a good friend to myself. That's what I believe every sibling or child needs in their life is to see themselves in the relationship, not just the one that has BPD, or it really does become more about them and less about you.  That's 54 years of experience with BPD. Love thy self.

This is so true what you say here. Love faced with BPD really puts that love to the test, it seems your love has come through though and is now allowing you to further heal and grow. A self-healing love so to speak.

We cannot control the other person, but we indeed can focus on our own half of the relationship and work on our own behavior and responses.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and message of love and hope  

The Board Parrot

[pbnjsandwich]

Hi pbnjsandwhich

Welcome back!

Your BPD father passed away a few years ago. It is clear that you loved him dearly, yet you unfortunately also had to deal with his disordered behavior which isn't easy at all. Afther he passed away, did you perhaps feel as if you were entering a new stage of healing and also grieiving?

  Thank you for your kind response.  After my father passed away, I was angry, because it was 50 years of hoping he would see the light, so there was some grieving in that, but there was also something that was much more profound, forgiveness. Realizing that my father was miserable for so many years and that his rages, drinking and inappropriate behavior was due to how he felt about himself on the inside, allowed me to accept the fact that we're not perfect people. We have our issues and that, regardless, people will still love us and still work towards helping us even when we don't think we deserve it.  I believe that, the people who are the most difficult in our life teach us more about ourselves than anyone, because they give us a reason to think about who we are and what we're capable of, and what we're not capable of

What would you say were the biggest misconceptions you had of yourself?
That I had a voice in my own life. That I had a right to my own, personal boundaries. That I deserved to be happy

This is so true what you say here. Love faced with BPD really puts that love to the test, it seems your love has come through though and is now allowing you to further heal and grow. A self-healing love so to speak.

We cannot control the other person, but we indeed can focus on our own half of the relationship and work on our own behavior and responses.
Every relationship is about what we offer ourselves, first, then what we bring to others.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and message of love and hope  
You're welcome.

The Board Parrot