Suspect wife of 27 years has BPD

[loveherdearly]

Hello,  This is my first post.  I've read most of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" already and want to get involved with this message board.  
I've been married to her for 27 years and it's been rocky at times, especially in recent years, when we both retired.  We're both active people, but she has more time lately around the house and wants to have control over it.  
We've tried couple's counseling decades ago and more recently.  I felt that when we were just beginning to make some progress, she decided she wanted to stop.  I think that's because the counselor was beginning to bring up some things that are hard for her to face.
I've had my own issues with anxiety, panic attacks, and anger issues.  I've been facing these issues with my own therapy since 2007.  My counselor says that it sounds like she has BPD, but of course he can't diagnose without knowing her directly.
We seem to both trigger each other's insecurities.  I want to remain living with her until I'm gone.  It's a struggle and I am looking for some more ideas on how to cope because I love this woman a great deal and feel so bad for her when I see her suffering.  I've suffered a great deal in the process as well.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi loveherdearly and welcome.  I am glad you found us.  You are with people here who have been where you are now and struggle with many of the same situations.  The other good news is that things can get better.

What sort of behaviors does your wife engage in that cause you to suspect BPD?  How does she try to control things in the home?  Sorry for the questions.  It is just easier to help and guide when we have a better picture of your situation.

I hope you settle in and get comfortable here.  Reading other peoples stories and posting to them as well as in your own threads can be a tremendous help.  There are many just starting this journey but we have others who have gone through it and have stuck around to help.

I hope to see more of you around.

[AskingWhy]

loveherdearly, you may also wish to read, "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" if you have already read, "Eggshells."  You will need all you can to help you understand your wife.

You are a kind man.  Practice self care as it's easy to get wrapped up in a spouse's problems.

[Enabler]

I've had my own issues with anxiety, panic attacks, and anger issues.  I've been facing these issues with my own therapy since 2007.

Hey Loveherdearly,

Greta you have found us and I hope we can help you navigate your way through your relationship. With so many members with such a vast array of experiences (although commonality on a theme), you'll inevitably strike a cord with someone who understands what you have been through.

It's great that you are working with a therapist. My personal experience has been that I found couples counselling didn't work so well and almost served to reinforce to my W how little we understood each other. Individual counselling is great and it's brilliant you have gone down this route as well. The more we can clean ourselves up, have a greater understanding of who we are, what we're about and any coding errors we have the better we can handle a relationship with someone with BPD traits. I have been with my wife for over 21 years, like you the relationship has always seemed tougher than other peoples, we've been through some very very dark times and currently in a very bleak period... .however... .I have never felt so enlightened about what is going on. For the last 21 years I have felt like I have been standing on a wobble board, unsteady under foot. I've been on the wobble board for so long it became my normal. It's only when I was forced to step off and gain a steady footing during my self learning and therapy sessions that I could really comprehend how my life was being impacted by the constant vibration of being in a relationship with a disordered person.

Can I ask, did the anxiety, panic attacks and anger occur for any specific reason and do they pre-date the relationship?  I have found that 'the relationship' magnified pre-existing insecurities that I had and added new behaviours in an attempt to get some stability in my life. My lack of understanding of what I was in, led to huge frustrations about how and why someone I had given so much to couldn't treat me in the same way she treated her friends (and strangers). Why did I only get the worst of her?

Keep posting and I advise you to read other threads and participate where you feel comfortable.

Enabler