We started to work things out at the beginning of last week

[Foursome]

Well a little update.

We started to work things out at the beginning of last week.  All through the week things were good.

Friday came and we had made plans to spend time together.

Then she started coming up with excuses and wasnt sure she would be able too.  I just got a feeling that she was lying to me.  Everything flooded back and I just blocked her.

The next day I was at an event in town and she walked up.  Went off on me to some extent not too bad telling me how bad I have hurt her and this was all my fault.

I told her I loved her and that I had my doubts about her true intentions with me.  This struck a nerve and she walked off.

Fast forward a couple days of NC and I get off work yesterday and go home.  There is a three page not on my door.

Telling me how much she loves me and will miss me and that she cant believe she fell for me again and blah blah blah.

At the end its said this was good bye forever.

That was about 5;30.

About 8:30 she is knocking on my door begging me to let her in.

I just waved at her thru the doors window and turned the lights out and she drove off.

What the heck is going on here?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Shawnlam]

Her emotions are just triggered bro ,that’s what BPD’s so my friend.You see she feels everything x10 to a normal person so she goes from anxiety,to sadness,to anger,to fear of abandonment and this cycles for awhile.You are not dealing with anyone normal so expect the unexpected.If you are truely done with her maintain NC and this will end when she gets tired of it .If you want her back but expect an apology or change then forget it this will never happen.If you want her back in the most manageable way one can have a BPD relationship then YOU will have to dramatically change real quick ,real fast.Since you are in the same boat as me where you left her,then good luck getting the trust back (let me rewrite that as BPD’s never trust anyways) ... .you will have to work hard to get the beginning semblance of trust they thought they had for you? Make sense?

[Skip]

Foursome, the biggest mistake members make when trying to reconnect is to 1) go back to where they were, 2) to expect their partner to soothe our concerns about the relationship issues, and 3) believe the Internet coaches that say NC is a way to recover a relationship.

All of these are non-starters.

  You don't want to pick off where things were left off.

  Regardless of the problems in the relationship, the women needs to be heard and listened to (and feel heard and listened too) first. We can have our day to be listened, but it comes later and it has to be constructive. Remember, you are the stronger partner. You can't ask the weaker partner to carry you through this time.

  No contact (when you are in interfacing with someone) is silent treatment and it is emotional abuse. This is a tool of last resort and it should only be used when we are committed to ending the relationship and don't have the strength to just do it - when we need a helper, a crutch, to help us disconnect from the day to day emotions that we have.

[Foursome]

Im just at the point where I want NC but I know she will never stop.

She is so obsessed with it.  She has told me from previous breakups what it does to her.

Its pretty sad.  Its really pathetic and unattractive to me now.  Worst part about that is for  a while I started acting like her.  Yuck

[Skip]

Im just at the point where I want NC but I know she will never stop.

She is so obsessed with it.  She has told me from previous breakups what it does to her.

Its pretty sad.  Its really pathetic and unattractive to me now.  Worst part about that is for  a while I started acting like her.  Yuck

Is this "push and pull"? A few days ago you were working it out. Today you are no contact because she is tentative?

That is kinda "BPD-ish" style coping. Emotions are driving everything. 

If there is any chance of working things out, NC is abusive and it will create scar tissue that will be there for a long time.  If you need space, just ask nicely (firmly) and take it. Tell her that she seems tentative, you also feel a little tentative, lets slow this down. Maybe make a coffee date for two weeks from now.

Let the emotions cool.

Even if you're done (and it doesn't sound that way), NC is obviously not good here. It's triggers abandonment that she needs to soothe. You're probably better to leave a soft line of communication open (like email) and respond in a slow and measured way and just stay away from relationship talk. Let it drift away.

[Foursome]

Yes I am done and from past experience if I leave any way for her to contact me she will use it to punish me.

Im tired of being treated that way.  My anxiety is finally improving and its like she knows it.

If she thinks I am getting better and on with my life she uses every tool available to stop it.

Small town... .same group of friends.  It almost feels hopeless sometimes.

 

[once removed]

Foursome,

i do not get the impression that she appears pathetic or unattractive to you.

read these. this is from less than two weeks ago:

She showed up at my house again.  I let her in.  She ran through the whole arsenal of usual things to try to bait me.

When she got to sex... .I said ok lets do it.  We did it and although I love having sex with her I really didn't feel a connection emotionally anymore.

It was prolly dumb of me to go down that path but dang I am a man and she is a vampire but a darn good looking one.

Creatures like that need to have a warning tag permanently affixed to the ear lobe or something.

this was a few days later:

I cannot sleep or eat anything.  The anxiety is so overwhelming at times I feel like checking into the hospital.

I have never experienced pain like this in my whole 45 year life.  I can have her anytime I want.  Thats never been an issue.  I truly believe she loves me... .but she is ill.  Im not sure how much longer I can stay upright at the moment.

the impression that i get is that you are (understandably) anxious about the prospects for this relationship. i also get the impression that you are vulnerable, and pretty reactive to perceived slights.

as has been said, theres a push/pull, power play dynamic to all of this where i sense you take comfort in her pursuing you, and the knowledge that you can have her back, then reject her and devalue her in your mind at any perceived slight and let her chase you until you take her back.

its not good for either of you. as you said, its been the most painful experience of your life. shes acted in desperation for as long as ive followed your story.

as that stronger partner, if you put these things, this dynamic, on her, things are likely to remain as they have, and that means more pain for both of you. 

[Foursome]

Its so strange that its happening that way.  Its like somehow the rolls got reversed.  Obviously there is a lot more to the story.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.  I dont know if this makes sense but it feels worse to have her then to not have her.

Maybe someone needs to diagnose me for Pete's sake.

[Shawnlam]

I’m in therapy myself foursome because of this BPD stuff I used to be ashamed of saying that,not so much anymore.I think you need to do what I’m doing and figure out what you can do to help yourself and then I turn what you want from her.

[Foursome]

I have been a couple times now.  It is helping.  Use my faith mostly.  My relatives are worried I will let her return.

They were there for all the ugly stuff.

I think im inclined to listen to their advice this time.  As well as all of yours.

[Skip]

Maybe someone needs to diagnose me for Pete's sake.

How about "Learning/growing".   

These relationships test us, uncover our weaknesses. We can learn a lot, grow a lot.

Hang in there, man.

[Shawnlam]

Well  foursome as of today I’m back with me exBPDgf so all I can say is save yourself brother because I wasn’t strong enough For myself.Off I go walking in the mine field alone again ,anxiety and  heavy drinking is in my future!

[lighthouse9]

Shawn,

Put the bottle down 

No, but seriously, you're back with a person you really care about and are drawn to enough to try again.

So, what's going to be different this time? You can't change her. What have you learned?

Being with her shouldn't be a punishment or a sign that you weren't "strong enough." I'm going to bet that you're pretty strong. Heck, you took yourself to therapy and you keep learning new stuff here. That takes strength.

So, what's it going to be like for you this time? What's in your control? Do you have to be alone this time? What tools do you have for your anxiety? And how do those 40s and bottles of gin keep ending up in your hands? 

For real though man, you've got this. Talk to us. Use the tools. What's this new relationship with a wiser Shawn going to look like?

[lighthouse9]

Foursome - I want to co-sign some of Skip's insights, especially about "soft communication."

And - Shawn's got some wisdom here about getting support and keeping up with it. I also like Skip's diagnosis for you 

We're all learning and growing and I totally agree that these relationships test us and uncover stuff about us we might not want to see. That's a good thing though, right? In all the time we spend hoping for our BPD partners to seek support and learn and grown, here we are with ample opportunity to do so ourselves.

I'm going to ask you what I asked Shawn - what are you learning that could make a new relationship different, if that's what you want?

If you're not sure, then how can you create some space for yourself without invalidating her so you can think about what you need?

I agree with Skip that no contact can't be punishment. You can ask for cooling off time though. Have you ever asked for a few days to cool off and then planned a meet up or conversation for say 2-3 days out? I did this during our break up to slow things down a bit and give me time to withdrawal from her chaos. In that space, things calmed down. It didn't reverse our break up, but it gave me time to think, and then recharge enough to behave with integrity when we did connect.

What do you need right now? What's in your control? You've got this.

[Shawnlam]

I don’t know lighthouse honestly I hope I can be her pillar of support  and I hope she can occasionally be my love that’s all I ask .Today she was in normal thoughtful mode and down to earth so it was easy.The booz helps me cope with the anxiety right now ,but deep down I know it’s a bad thing.What I’ve learnt is listen ,then listen again,think then act. That’s where  I am in my process as to where before it was listen ,act ,act  then figure out what I just did .Shes gonna be a tuff one to manage ,I’m almost mad I love her because I think it be easier if I’d never known  her