Daughter says I'm a neglectful mother and she can forgive but can't forget.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Just a rant to vent.  I wonder if they just deciddd to call mean people BPD.  I just can't do anything right or good enough.  I picked her up from school and am heading to the grocery store so she can buy her food that she likes and she's just reeling into me the whole time about how I'm a neglectful mother and she can forgive but can't forget.  So I just drove us home.  I told her she can stay mad.  

Now she's "singing" which is really screaming nasty lyrics to me.  And my husband is out somewhere doing normal things with normal people.  I feel resentment.  And tiredness.  And a little self pity.  Which is not attractive.  

I'm so disappointed that all she seems to be capable of feeling is disappointment.  

Yes I see the irony.  

[Faith Spring]

Just a rant to vent.  I wonder if they just deciddd to call mean people BPD.  I just can't do anything right or good enough.  I picked her up from school and am heading to the grocery store so she can buy her food that she likes and she's just reeling into me the whole time about how I'm a neglectful mother and she can forgive but can't forget.  So I just drove us home.  I told her she can stay mad.  

Now she's "singing" which is really screaming nasty lyrics to me.  And my husband is out somewhere doing normal things with normal people.  I feel resentment.  And tiredness.  And a little self pity.  Which is not attractive.  

I'm so disappointed that all she seems to be capable of feeling is disappointment.  

Yes I see the irony.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith Spring

I so get you, my DD hasn't a mean bone in her body, she's a quiet BPD she internalizes. This is where we get confused by the dx and when my daughter agrees BPD is the most complex of diagnosis and often co-morbid on top. It's been an unpacking exercise for me to understand my DD, a deep dive.

'I'm so disappointed that all she seems to be capable of feeling is disappointment' What's this telling you? Parents here have helped me see and I love them dearly for that.

Every rant, vent has a silver lining here, we are listening.

Faith, where is your husband, does he understand where you are, and you him?

WDx ,

[MusicDad]

  This is a great place to "Rant". I know it is difficult.  Teenagers that don't have BPD can be challenging enough.  I want you to know that I have been frustrated, exhausted, worried, and depressed many times dealing with my BPD son.  You are a loving mom and you need to take care of yourself too.  It can be hard to accept that sometimes our good and loving intentions don't always translate well with those w BPD.  I like Lesson 2.  If your current approach is not working - change it.  Try to focus on anything positive, easier said than done I know.  Suggestion: Make or pick up your favorite meal tonight and watch something really funny.  

[bluek9]

Hi Faith Spring,

       I'm with MusicDad and WDx, VENT-RANT! Lords that if we didn't our heads would just explode. From what I've read here it appears that all of us parents have run the gamet of feelings that MusicDad has described in his post. I'm all for being angry, get it out. Then look at it and make up mind what you're going to do about it. Again lesson 2 change it.
      I don't know how old your daughter is but, something that works for me is when my daughter is like that I tell her "I'm going for a walk (or drive) see you when I get back". It gives me the time I need and she can do as you said "stay mad". Usually I go find myself a treat. Hang in there... .

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith Spring

Welcome back, glad to see you here.

How are you feeling today?

How frustrating it must be for you that you are left to cope with your daughter while your husband is out doing normal things, no wonder you feel resentment. Do you feel that he doesn’t support you as much as you would like? My husband is very good at burying his head in the sand and he doesn’t do emotional stuff very well.

You say also that you are feeling tired and you feel a little self pity, hey, you are entitled to, it’s a tough job dealing with someone with BPD so don’t be too hard on yourself, I’m sure you’re doing the very best that you can. What kind of things are you doing for you, what do you like doing that makes you feel good? Remember, you are important too    x

[Faith Spring]

I'm grateful for the feedback, guys.  It's good to feel grateful instead of anger. 

Today was terrible.  I planned a trip for us to visit a college. She made it impossible to go. So we didn't.

And it's all connected - like I try to help her toward her own sense of independence and power over her world, I believe it will help her heal from the terrible things in her head.  She's so isolated. She doesn't leave her room except to go to school.

I was so mad when she spoiled our trip today.  I thInk I'm having trouble accepting my girl for who she is.  Not fair to her.  I just can't believe that this is how she turned out. I feel like my old kid was snatched and who she is now is unrecognizable.  This was not her nature, to be so mean. 

I guess mental illness can just come up on a person.  I feel so guilty that it's my genetics that are causing her to suffer.  I'm just really sad. 

And still grateful that there are nice people here to read and I know understand.  Thanks. 

[Faith Spring]

Also just to answer a few questions-
I try guided meditation for self care.  I desperately want to walk out of the house when she's hurling venom at me. But for some reason I just hole myself up in my room with the door locked and curtain drawn.  I get afraid and it makes me kind of freeze. The tone of her voice is scary.  It's a stranger. That hates me. I just freeze.  

I used to drive to a park and ride and just try to nap.  That's pretty depressing. I tried mall parking lots too just to park and rest.  

My husband has come farther along than me, when it comes to our daughter. He seems to have cut her out of his heart. I know it's not complete though / just last night he set a place for her at the table hoping she'd eat with us. She didn't.  But I liked seeing him soften.  

He just can't do it anymore.  She has thrown knives and glasses at him.  When she hit me with her field hockey stick he defended me - got physical.  Then we realized she wouldn't think twice to have us, especially him, arrested for child abuse.  So he is just trying to live a life without her.

And here I am with you guys.  

[Feeling Better]

Sorry to hear that you had a terrible day and that you didn’t manage to take your daughter to visit the college, is it something that you are able to reschedule for another time? I know how annoying it can be to have something planned only to have it all fall apart, especially when the trip you’d planned was for her benefit too.

You say that you think you are having trouble accepting your girl for who she is, you are not alone there, I know that I struggled with that too, it just takes time. The more you learn the more aware that you become and the more accepting. You will get there.

You really need lots of hugs Faith,       , it comes across how alone you are feeling right now and how sad you feel that your situation is. You cannot change your daughter, however you can change yourself, make your life better.

You have taken the first step in coming back to post, we all help each other here.

Just wondering, have you ever tried therapy for you? x

[Faith Spring]

Hi Feeling Better, thanks for responding to my posts.  I did try therapy about 7 years ago And felt it was draining me financially to no good end.  If I can get therapy that's covered by my health plan I'll try it again. 

I'm starting a booklet called "go-to" and it'll have the current schedules of local yoga class and train to the city, it will have the hours open of parks and hiking trails, it'll have my best guided positive meditations.  So when I'm scared or overwhelmed I just lose my capacity to remember what I can do.  Now I'll have this bright red "go-to" folder on my bedside table, and it'll give me options. 

[Feeling Better]

Wow Faith Spring, that’s amazing. What a fantastic idea, I think I could do with using that as I too forget to do things when I’m scared or overwhelmed. It’s too easy to dwell on things when unpleasant things happen, and that is when we need to take a step back and start to care for us. It’s a good and positive thing to do for your own self care, I am so pleased for you that you are taking this step.

I’m so glad that you are including parks and hiking trails in your bright red folder, what great things to have in there along with your yoga classes. I like to walk, I just let my mind go wherever it wants to go when I’m walking and more often than not I’ll come back with a different perspective on things, that can be very therapeutic in itself x

[Yepanotherone]

Faith I feel you and I are leading parallel lives  . My husband is exactly the same as yours , he does not handle the emotional side of things well at all and throughout all my DD’s hospitalizations , it would be me visiting her every single day , it would be me answering all her calls and getting screamed at . On some level he would literally just break ... .one night while sitting by her stretcher in ER after yet another overdose , he just burst ... .he got up and walked out in tears, crying like a baby , saying “ I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t “ ( he had work pressures too). I let him go home without giving him a hard time as I could see he was literally falling apart . For three days I let him go about his business and steered clear because he was literally hanging in there by a thread . I felt if I didn’t give him this space , I’d end up with TWO loved ones in a mental health facility !
I have felt resentful on and off about many things including me being my DD’s biggest target most of the time when it’s actually me who supports her the most, and I’ve felt angry and resentful that my husband has been able to cut himself loose from this hellhole much more effectively than I did ! I felt he was wrong to be “ abandoning her in our time of need “.

You know what I realized ? That maybe his methods aren’t so wrong . I started to take a leaf out of his book and started doing normal things for myself . To be there quietly for my DD so that she knows we are always here in the background but we won’t take her crap . My husband’s logical way of dealing with this as opposed to my more emotional way really seems to work more effectively.  We are taking a weeekend away together in a couple of weeks in our RV . Do I feel worried and nervous ? He’ll  Yes !Will it impact on my enjoyment of our trip ? More than likely ! But I’m learning that I HAVE to lead a life that is enjoyable , for my DD’s sake as well as for our family . Do I feel selfish ? Actually not any more . I used to . If I wasn’t designing my day around my DD 1 year ago and doing something for me that is normal , then I’d be giving myself a hard time .
I’m learning that showing my DD we love and care for her , that her choices are her own, and that we WILL go on to lead normal healthy lives and want her along for the ride if she chooses to hop on with us . This seems to be working better than my previous approach of being literally entwined with her dramas 24/7.
That saying definitely stands true “ if your approach isnt working , try something different “.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Just sitting at the hairdressers, getting my roots done right now   I’ve been thinking about what my husband has said that actually have turned into words of wisdom!
He has said “ do the exact opposite of what you know she expects you to do “ , “ do the opposite of what you FEEL you should do “ . He’s also said not to answer the phone when she was calling from the hospital and when all I was going to get was a shower of abuse ... .I never did master that one . I would let it ring . But she would be very determined and keep calling . I would always end up answering, but if she started , I got better at saying “ I’m going to go right now , this isnt helping either of us “.
I think the official term for this whole approach  would be called “ detaching with love “ . Also , Its just dawned on me that the application of DBT skills is actually what we get good at ourselves ! “ talking ourselves down when we are fearful “ = distress tolerance skills .

Try to do something for yourself today Faith . Do not allow this BPD to overcome you xxxx

[Faith Spring]

Hey Yep, makes me smile to know you're getting your roots done. Thanks for responding to me.  

I wasted a beautiful day waiting for my daughter to come out of her room and go for the hike we planned yesterday. Lesson learned.  

I think your husband is right and mine may be on the right track as well - he spent the  day fishing and caught a nice fish.  There's a lesson here for me.  I'm in my bed worrying about when she'll come out to the living room, will she scream? Will he? Will I intercede? Will I listen with empathy? Not to screaming rage.  

I don't think anyone can understand what I'm going through except you guys.  I really don't.  

[Huat]

Great posts, Yepanotherone!

I wouldn't want to be a single parent because I can see how difficult that would be.  On the other hand, when a couple is not in sync I think that can be just as bad... .or worse.  Then there is not just one battle to fight but two.

When you write about being resentful towards your husband, I fully understand.  While I have been my daughter's nemesis, her Dad (my husband of 55+ years) has always been seen as walking on water.  With that said, when she cried for help... .she came to me.  Then it was "my job" (as I saw it) to filter down the information to him... ."my job"  (as I saw it) to take the lead in trying to fix whatever it was she had gotten herself into... .knowing he would be the follower. Would things have turned out differently had I held back and waited for him to take the lead?  As a mother, could I have waited for that to happen?   Hmmmm?

I confess to being a milquetoast for so many years... .timid, unassertive, spineless when it came to my daughter.  A lot of that was due to the fact that she was the mother of my only two, precious grandchildren of whom I was terrified of ever losing contact.  I shake my head when I think of all the time wasted as I worried and worried about what could happen... .and did happen anyway.  Now I, too, am taking some of what my husband has said to me over the years as "words of wisdom."  As an example... .":)on't worry so much!"... ."Let it be water off your back!"  Well, okay!  I am (and probably always will be) a "work-in-progress" and feelin' pretty good about the progress I have made.

I smiled when I read... ."Just sitting at the hairdressers', getting my roots done right now... .".  I'm thinking, "You go, Girl!"  Sometimes it takes us SO long to grasp the fact that we have to look after ourselves.  Part of that pie belongs to... .US.

Faith Spring, I think your "Go To" booklet is an excellent idea!  Sometimes when we are in the thick-of-things our brains just can't go beyond the hurt we are feeling.  We need a nudge.

I'm starting to ramble but just one more thing.  "Mindfulness"... .don't knock it until you try it.  In our local school system it is being taught to children as a tool.  While I've tried reading through some books on the subject, have to admit that the authors do get a little too airy-fairy for me.  The other day I decided to check out a child's book (Duh!)... .start from the bottom and work myself up (?).  The little practice I have done has shown me there are benefits.

Well... .here is to better and BETTER days... .for US!

Huat    ; )