Heartbroken but strangely optimistic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have recently separated with my wife. I am heartbroken but I knew she has had issues for a long time I just had not taken the time to educate myself. I now realise that she has BPD. She has been projecting on me and saying lots of hurtful things. The relationship was over not because of any abuse or infidelity well none that I am aware of. She has a habit of cutting people out of her life with zero emotion towards those people again. She had a lot of problems growing up and not a loving childhood at all. Her last relationship was very abusive. We have 3 kids together and one minute she is ok with when she is getting things her way and not the next. Her view of me is now black and not the white loving women I thought she was. We were deeply in love or so I thought. Stumbling across these sites has put so much clarity in my head albeit heartbreaking agonising clarity. She pushed for us to get married and told me I was her happy ending but then started pushing me awa. She would constantly say she was fat or ugly she is a size 10 and beautiful. Her mood swings are off the chart. She started to tell me she didn’t know who she was and she needed some pace to find herself but instead started drinking heavily with friends and not coming home until 4am. She has huge traits of OCD. I wish I had known earlier that this was what was going on but too little too late. I know I have to just face it and pick myself up and get on with my life but I am struggling a lot with it. It’s like she never even liked me and I don’t matter any more and it hurts. I know I will eventually get over her aim a long time but my heart goes out to anyone that has been through or is yet to go through this because the pain of this is like someone being dead but still there if that makes sense 

[Agentblu]

I have recently separated with my wife. I am heartbroken but I knew she has had issues for a long time I just had not taken the time to educate myself. I now realise that she has BPD. She has been projecting on me and saying lots of hurtful things. The relationship was over not because of any abuse or infidelity well none that I am aware of. She has a habit of cutting people out of her life with zero emotion towards those people again. She had a lot of problems growing up and not a loving childhood at all. Her last relationship was very abusive. We have 3 kids together and one minute she is ok with when she is getting things her way and not the next. Her view of me is now black and not the white loving women I thought she was. We were deeply in love or so I thought. Stumbling across these sites has put so much clarity in my head albeit heartbreaking agonising clarity. She pushed for us to get married and told me I was her happy ending but then started pushing me awa. She would constantly say she was fat or ugly she is a size 10 and beautiful. Her mood swings are off the chart. She started to tell me she didn’t know who she was and she needed some pace to find herself but instead started drinking heavily with friends and not coming home until 4am. She has huge traits of OCD. I wish I had known earlier that this was what was going on but too little too late. I know I have to just face it and pick myself up and get on with my life but I am struggling a lot with it. It’s like she never even liked me and I don’t matter any more and it hurts. I know I will eventually get over her aim a long time but my heart goes out to anyone that has been through or is yet to go through this because the pain of this is like someone being dead but still there if that makes sense 

[JNChell]

 
Hi, Agentblu. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. This stuff is hard, and it’s painful. I empathize with you, and I hear you loud and clear. We’re glad that you found this site. You see, we’re a support group and we help one another here. We’re all going through different stages of situations very similar to yours. Welcome.

Stumbling across these sites has put so much clarity in my head albeit heartbreaking agonising clarity.

Heartbreaking, agonizing clarity. Yes! This is hard stuff. It’s painful. I’m glad you’re seeing stuff with clarity. Clarity is the truth. In this day and age, the truth is quite frequently a hard pill to swallow, but we swallow it because we know that truth is the right direction to take.

It’s like she never even liked me and I don’t matter any more and it hurts.

Friend, you’ve been discarded. This is typical with pwBPD. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally. This is the cycle in which they live. Emotionally, they are stuck. The term is arrested development . They are emotionally centered around a trauma. They will venture away from their center, but the pull from their center wins every time. I hope that makes sense.

When you’re comfortable in doing so, share more about your relationship and how you’re feeling about it. Be sure to read the posts of the other members. I think that you’ll find you’ve found the right place. Welcome,Agentblu.

[Agentblu]

Thank you for your reply. It is heartbreaking but I should have known tbh that it was all to good to be true. Pulling her DNA away from around every part of me is going to hurt and take a long time but I know I have to do it. We got back together after 9 years of her living far away but she had come out of abuse and it was a beautiful whirlwind for both of us. She was always hard on herself about her image and the how tidy the house was. She has cut loads of her family out of her life with no emotion and then started pushing me away and pulling me back with her seductive mayhem. I could write for pages about us. I just know now she 9 of the 10 traits of BPD. It’s just a sad waste as she is abeutiful caring person who when she loves you she loves u fearlessly. I do know that I have to stop loving her and start focusing on me as I think I had become quite co dependant and was constantly walking on eggshells and doing things to please her even if it was not the right thing to do. Thankfully I have been reading a lot and educating myself I have stayed calm and not broken yet although I think it will happen. I have just helped her get a house so I can get mine back and start taking my kids 50/50 which I am looking forward to.

[rj47]

Stumbling across these sites has put so much clarity in my head albeit heartbreaking agonising clarity.

Spend some time wandering around here Agentblu. You're in a welcome and good place. I existed for years in confusion and darkness thinking I was utterly alone. Found my way here via a simple "post it note" a psychologist that was counseling her slipped to me privately. For the first few weeks the tears were hard to contain as I read my story over and over. I was devastated. But, it was cathartic. I was still in despair but hopeful as well. At least I could begin to make some kind of sense of the madness. The resources available here are a great starting place.

Hang in there and absorb all you can.

[Agentblu]

So im struggling a little today. I had all of my kids last night and this morning which is a blessing but it also brings home the reality of it all. Luckily i have a family member putting me up just now and we all squeezed in. When i went to pick them up she had her war paint on tanned hair dyed and looking amazing as usual. She was out last night with her freinds and i couldnt stop myself from making up all sorts and wondering who she brought home to my bed.  I know i have to let go of her as she is toxic to me just now but this woman is my kids mum and my wife and for everything she has been through still a beautiful person. Her dad is back in her life again after 3 years nc he is an alcaholic and has bp and lots of other things going on. He never has a good impact on her when he is about but she feeds off it for awhile then will finally snap out of it and realise he is damaging. Right now he is being her hero though. I will get through this.