I left two weeks and two days ago

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was seriously out of the door and on my way to the train station to stay with a friend. I actually snuck out while my partner was in the shower because i knew that saying i wanted to get away to sort out my emotions would lead to a huge showdown.

I was so fearful of my partner's want to physically hurt me that i called the police to our home last a few days prior... .didn't press charges though but as you can imagine, it's been hell since. My partner self harms (punches herself) bites and grabs me (vicelike) in very sensitive areas and pulls me around the house by my hair when she is angry. I get told it's because I am verbally abusive that i make her do it.

Anyway, i'd finally had enough but she talked me round and i came back... .What now? been listening to stop walking on eggshells... i feel so angry at her myself but if this really is a condition she can't help, how can i blame her?

So after coming back from the police station she said she'd met someone from organisation that wants to help - to provide counselling (for us both she hopes). But i wonder, if she is ever diagnosed with BPD (as she and i suspect she might be) will she ever admit that to me. If I'm honest, I think i am pretty solid and stable. What I've been doing since shortly after we met is reacting to her BPD, and not well since i didn't even know such a thing existed.

[Dandelion72]

I was seriously out of the door and on my way to the train station to stay with a friend. I actually snuck out while my partner was in the shower because i knew that saying i wanted to get away to sort out my emotions would lead to a huge showdown.

I was so fearful of my partner's want to physically hurt me that i called the police to our home last a few days prior... .didn't press charges though but as you can imagine, it's been hell since. My partner self harms (punches herself) bites and grabs me (vicelike) in very sensitive areas and pulls me around the house by my hair when she is angry. I get told it's because I am verbally abusive that i make her do it.

Anyway, i'd finally had enough but she talked me round and i came back... .What now? been listening to stop walking on eggshells... i feel so angry at her myself but if this really is a condition she can't help, how can i blame her?

So after coming back from the police station she said she'd met someone from organisation that wants to help - to provide counselling (for us both she hopes). But i wonder, if she is ever diagnosed with BPD (as she and i suspect she might be) will she ever admit that to me. If I'm honest, I think i am pretty solid and stable. What I've been doing since shortly after we met is reacting to her BPD, and not well since i didn't even know such a thing existed.

[pearlsw]

Hi Dandelion72,

 

Oh you have been going through so much! So many of us here can relate to various elements of your story.

There are lot of tools and information here that can help you relearn relationship interactions. Many members have had success with them, but it does take time, commitment and effort if you go that route.

There are tools that can you help you with relating to her abandonment issues that you saw flare up when you simply tried to leave to clear your head.

I had a boyfriend once who used to punch himself in the head. I rarely hear that come up, but I can personally identify with how shocking and horrible that can be to witness!

You are not making her do this, okay? But there are important things for all us to learn about not escalating situations... .and you can gain that skill here!

How long have you been together? You live together, right?

wishing you peace, pearl.

p.s. we have many members who can relate to you... .i hope they will also post here and let you know you are not alone in this! we are here to support!

[Radcliff]

Dandelion72,

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are dealing with, but am glad that you have found us. 

i feel so angry at her myself but if this really is a condition she can't help, how can i blame her?

"Eggshells" is a great place to start for BPD awareness, but it does not deal much if at all with domestic violence.  BPD and domestic violence are two separate problems that can occur together.  It is completely appropriate to have empathy for our partners with BPD.  But regardless of the cause of the abuse, the emotional and physical damage to us is the same.  Your first priority needs to be to protect yourself from abuse.

When your partner talked you into returning, did she promise to stop the abuse?

WW

[Dandelion72]

I left. Two weeks two days ago. Feeling broken, sad, crazy. I gave her three and half years of my life - every day hoping the suicidal tendencies, moods, silences, being totally ignored and disregarded would come good if i just loved her and held her and was there for her.  I went and collected all my stuff three days after leaving - all except one very very important thing i accidentally forgot plus a few other things i didn't think of. My exe's mum was there, my ex and our dog not there - policeman there too, who was there due to my exe's dad playing the situation and hoping i would text something to my ex like 'we don't need a police presence for this' so he could use that to convince my ex that i am the crazy one because why would i call the police saying i was afraid of her one day then say something like that shortly afterwards.
When collecting my stuff, I asked her mum if she wanted to listen to all the messages that my ex had left on my phone the night before (that might help her help her daughter, i said)... .she didn't want to know. I had ignored the calls the night before - the next morning my ex sent a text saying that 'she' had made the right decision to end our relationship - that she had tried her best to help me with 'my' issues! that if i took one thing from our relationship it was that she hoped it would be a catalyst for 'ME" sorting MYSELF OUT!

She and her parents are all blaming me when actually, it's her parents fault my ex has all the problems she has. 
I swing between angry, sad and having altruistic feelings for my ex - wishing she would call and say that she is seeking help... that she says something that makes me think maybe one day we can see each other again and try to rebuild... .I've been reading all about BPD and realising that my exe's dad is a narcissist. Her messed up parents  messed her up and they are busy telling her she is better off without me, that i was the problem.
 

[Dandelion72]

wrong to say "i gave her three and half years of my life' - we shared those years i guess... .i don't know, I'm all over the place right now. i can't make sense of me own emotions.
sorry

[Radcliff]

Dandelion72,

What you did must have been terribly difficult and took courage.  I'm glad you've come back to post.  There are many people here who have been through what you've been through.  You can get some good support here in the next days and weeks.

Don't worry about what your ex and her parents are saying to each other.  You can't control that, and of course it is not going to be in line with your reality.  I have heard people comment that a BPD breakup is different from other breakups they've had.  There is not the kind of closure, mutual agreement to part ways, etc. that can happen in other breakups.  Your job right now is distancing yourself from them, concentrating on peaceful days, and getting reacquainted with yourself.

What are your current living arrangements now?

Do you have a legal right to enter your former residence to get the important thing?  Do you think your ex will give it back if you ask?

I would encourage you to post regularly here for a while.  It helps!

WW

[Dandelion72]

Hi WW,
I've been staying with a very old and good friend and am currently being screened for a rental property... .hopefully that will come good soon.
I've decided to write off the item(s) i left there - it will cost me a bit to replace but that's ok. I do not want to make contact or give my ex any reason to hurt me again.
I know that i have to come to terms with the fact that we will never see one another again - and that is for the best. I'm just all over the place. I work for myself and i cannot concentrate at all even though i have work to do for clients. thank you for you reply. It's good to know i am not alone.