I feel angry about dad attempting to guilt me

[kitsch]

My Dad lives in a retirement community and was recently hospitalized for suicide ideation because he told the social worker he “felt like dying”. This hospitalization was the 2nd one within a year- last time he lived in his own house. My dad moved into this retirement community a few months ago so understandably he is having a hard time adapting. At the same time this residence has done a lot of amazing things for his day to day life – he has social time with others, meals are prepared, activities such as art classes and movies are offered etc… My father claims that his depression is worse now than it has even been in his life because he is living in this retirement community. After he was admitted to the psych hospital, the social worker told me that in order for him to come back to the residence is in he needs a plan put in place to ensure he is engaged with treatment (outside his therapist and psychiatrist). The social worker also informed me that my dad would have to have his medications administered by a nurse, that he could not independently take them for at least 3 months or until he is more stable. The social worker also connected my dad to an outpatient program that is connected to the building where he lives. All these “treatments” and plans sound very helpful and on the right track for what my Dad has needed for years- but now my dad is stating that he never said he was suicidal, is upset that he has to go and get his meds from a nurse (I used to set them up and honestly this change is such a relief for me) and that he thinks the hospital that he is to attend groups is “stright out of the 50’s One Flew Over the Coo-coos Nest.”

I should have saw this coming, but I feel angry that my dad attempting to guilt me. I’m especially annoyed at how he called me right away when he was released to discuss his medication and left me a cryptic (typical) message that it is VERY IMPORTANT. He stated that “now I won’t get to see you anymore” and “but you did such a good job doing my meds.” I responded that it’s for his safety that the staff administer his meds. I also told him that I am not available to just do things for him. But then he changed the subject.

I am pretty sure my dad is self medicating some sedatives such as quatapine and now he certainly will not be able to over medicate. Aside from his meds, I am just so irritated that his needs and demands seem to be never ending – I worry he will sabotage his housing and then my family and I will be left to deal with him. I have siblings who are engaged with his care, but no one really has all the answers of what to do with him or how to help him. And I really think that my father will consistently live a miserable life at the rate he is going and per our conversation yesterday. I try so much to ensure I keep my boundaries and have support, but especially today, post his release I am pretty frustrated with him as before he was released he was way open to all sorts of help, and now quickly backing away from more helpful things (like in-home therapy).  :)oes anyone have some good tips on how to help your parent get a clear picture that you are not their staff? And/ or what do you specifically do that has helped  your parent understand your boundaries? Or what you do when you see that they are working to undo getting the right help?

[Insom]

Hi, lynnmaryk!

It sounds like you're feeling frustrated and confused about how to support your dad in his new retirement community.  Life changes like these can feel hard on everyone in the family and I can relate very much to what it feels like to feel frustrated with a family member who isn't easily helped.
 

Does anyone have some good tips on how to help your parent get a clear picture that you are not their staff? And/ or what do you specifically do that has helped  your parent understand your boundaries? Or what you do when you see that they are working to undo getting the right help?

Have you had a chance to check out the resources on the right side of this page?     Here is a piece on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits that I found helpful that you may also find helpful.  Here is an excerpt:

Defining Values
Having a healthy relationship takes a great deal of self-awareness and knowing:  which of our values are independent, core values to be upheld by us and defended (in a constructive way, of course),
which values need to be more open for compromise or replacement based on our desire to bond and build relationships with others (partner, friend, relative), and
how, in difficult situations, to look across multiple values and balance priorities.

Independent core values
It's important to not only identify core values, but to live them. Independent core values should guide important  decisions in our lives. Our values should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make.

Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relationships with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy; feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.

Inter-dependent values
Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromising independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others and the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.

[kitsch]

Thanks Insom- funny, I was JUST reading the parts about boundaries and started to reflect on how I and engage with my Dad. I admit I have challenges with boundaries in terms of I find that I often try to explain to my Dad the "why" I am doing what I am doing. I also often try and move past what he is asking through some sort of compromise. Like if he wants me to visit him and I do not have much time or I don't want to I will quickly stop by rather than say no. But today I told him in an ask for me to come over simply, I love you dad, but no, I can't come by. It does feel different and I cannot control his response, but it does feel better by me. Thanks for your thoughts and direction.

[Insom]

I find that I often try to explain to my Dad the "why" I am doing what I am doing.

Yes, I've also done this.  It's called JADE.  And unfortunately, as you may have noticed, it isn't a super-effective way to communicate your needs. 

Check out this thread that explains why JADE is ineffective and what to do instead: Don't "JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).

How are things going with you this week?

[kitsch]

Thanks for your response- in terms of this week I haven’t had much contact with my dad. He was to start an intensive outpatient program which I am hoping that he has attended. I have been putting off connecting with him a little because knowing him I will need to be extra empathetic to his dislike of the outpatient program. He often thinks he is better than others in group programming.

I just read the post about JADE and wow, more than anything this has really shed a light on my issues I been having with my partner and my reacting to her in a negative way.  The reactions got so intense that I posted about it in another thread. My partner is not living with BPD, but both of us have wounds from our families and other mental health issues.  I think I just really figured out that I am highly reactive and sensitive to criticism because of how criticized I was as a young adult. Because my Dad does not really have any hold on how I make decisions as an adult/ I don’t respect his advice, I didn’t think that these wounds were as fresh. But when my partner doesn’t directly state how they are feeling or I feel like I am being criticized, I get super triggered and defend myself. As a young adult my father focused much of his distain on me and how I never did anything “good enough”. My dad through reading on this site, fits the description of the “waif” borderline and I can see more now how this has left a scar on me. As a young adult I really had to tough it out and figure things out for myself with very little support from my parents or anyone emotionally or financially. This operating style makes it so that I feel like I have a solid understanding of how to do what I do and why I do it –so I hate feeling tested or drilled! So when my partner suggests things in an anxious way, sounds aggravated or not as nice as can be-  I quickly escalate.  Often stating “don’t tell me how to live” or, “oh, you think you are so great. ” Wow. Thanks again to this site for helping me in a way that is priceless.

[Turkish]

I'll take constructive criticism well; I've always had good reviews on 26 years working in the corporate world.  However,  I can relate to what you said about criticism.  From a parent it's different.  A few years ago,  my mom came into the room with hey usual shtick, like I hadn't duke anything with my life and I should go back to school. I was doing my budget.  I showed her the balance on my retirement account. Her jaw dropped and she walked out.  She's a Hoarder, she ever since I can can remember, chasing the next get rich quick scheme. 

I rubbed it in her face, sure,  but it ended that conversation. The point is that tough I knew that her attitude bothered me,  I was comfortable in in implying "I've done ok mom,  no matter what you think." The only person I'm responsible to is myself. 

[Insom]

Hi, kitsch!

Just thought I'd check in.  How are things going?

[kitsch]

This past Sunday was Easter and well, my PBD Dad is always extra during holidays. Holidays also creates a lot of anxiety for me because the juggling of hosting people, coordinating everything for my Dad to get to and from the event and then also listening to all the emotions my Mom has about my Dad. My parents divorced 15 years ago after being married for 30 years and let’s just say that my father is still not over it. So this Easter I didn’t partake in Easter with my Dad and it felt really great. I had an opportunity to hang out with people I love and who support me. We simply were all there to have a good time.

I’m trying to slowly detach more from my father week by week now that he is more settled (but still unhappy) in the retirement community. Someone else does his meds, he’s engaged in a day program and goes to therapy. It’s been a hell of a year in that I coordinated his entire move and sale of his house after him living there for 40 years. It’s challenging to know the right steps of how to detach and process my own feelings about my father’s reactions of disappointment when I do not always respond to him. Even my family has told me that they worry about my emotional well-being because my father can be so exhausting.  I am his emergency contact, power of attorney and I also help manage his money so totally detaching is not really an option I consider. But I wonder, what is a good amount of contact with a super needy, draining, intense BPD parent in which you have responsibility for?