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Author Topic: I'm constantly stuck in the middle of daughter’s dad and stepdad.  (Read 796 times)
phoebenna

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« on: April 05, 2018, 12:14:55 PM »

Hi!

I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter for the past 1 1/2 years.  She has always been a little more challenging than my other children.  I have been doing research and reading books about BPD and finally had this ah ha moment.  A moment of relief.  I have felt alone for so long.  I feel like other people look at me and think I don't know how to parent.  I feel like my daughter hates me one minute and loves me the next.  I feel relieved that I may have finally found out why she is treating me and her stepfather the way she is. Currently she doesn't want to live at my house. She wants to live with dad who is way more relaxed but also doesn't believe in or support her mental health.  He also doesn't think she does anything wrong at his house only mine. Currently I wouldn't let her see her boyfriend so she started arguing with me and told her dad she doesn't feel safe at my house?  Nothing was happening besides a normal conflict of parents telling their kid "no".  She had her dad call the cops on us? My husband is afraid of her.  He thinks she will say things to get him in trouble and wants her to stay with her dad for awhile.  This scares me because he lets her do whatever she wants.  She is failing 3 classes and currently skipping class and instead of grounding her at his house.  He tells her to "fix it" and lets her go to see her boyfriend right after school.  I feel like I can't make my daughter want to be home.  She need to want to be there for our relationship to work.  Looking for answers of how I can make things work?  She is almost 15. My husband has helped raise her since she was 4.  She says she's hated him since she was 5.  I'm constantly stuck in the middle of her dad and stepdad.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10403



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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 02:24:46 PM »

Hi phoebenna,

Welcome

She wants to live with dad who is way more relaxed but also doesn't believe in or support her mental health.

More relaxed could be interpreted as little to no boundaries a pwBPD flail against your boundaries like a small child would - that has to be frustrating that she went to her dad for that reason. Your H has helped raise her since she was 4? Does your ex have shared custody?

I'm glad that you decided to join us it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. Read as much as you can about the disorder. I'm sorry that she said that she didn't feel safe at your house, a pwBPD truly feel like they're victimized and will cast themselves in the role of victim, her dad is rescuing her from the persecutor role which is you triangulation or bad triangulation / drama triangles cause just that a lot of drama and blame. 

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
phoebenna

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 09:03:48 PM »

Sorry, I'm new. H must mean stepdad?  Yes,  he has been in her life since she was 4.  She's told me she's hated him since she was 5? I have full custody of our daughter.  My husband is currently afraid of her and thinks she will try to purposely find a way to get him in trouble at this time. She will do anything to see her boyfriend.  We had the same drama with her last relationship she tried to have.  She was 13 trying to date a 17 year old.  I told her that (1) I wasn't letting her date yet (2) There is to much of an age difference and it is actually illegal for them to be together. Her dad encouraged and and said we should meet him because she was going to find a way to see him anyway?  She ended up sneaking out of my house at night, lying about where she was and who she was with constantly. Having him come over during the day when I wasn't home. I ended up contacting his mom and I think the boy tried to end it? I found texts on my daughters phone lying to him about being pregnant? I'm exhausted... I feel horrible but I don't know what to do anymore?  I'm worried that if I make her stay she will never want to see me or have a relationship with me. She does always try to play the victim role? It seems like she's trying to get attention good or bad? 

Currently she sent me a text saying she is really sorry about "things getting out of hand" with the cops. She loves and misses me but she doesn't want to be home longer than 2 days at a time? Her therapist is worried she won't want to come back?  I'm so lost it's affecting my everyday life
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Speck
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
Posts: 611



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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 09:29:28 PM »

Welcome, phoebenna!

 Hi!

I just wanted to pop in and join Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I'm constantly stuck in the middle of her dad and stepdad.

It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm sorry for that. One thing that can really help with allaying some worry and frustration is understanding. And, it sounds like you are willing to understand your child better, and that is pure love, in my opinion. Luckily, you've found our website which can help you in that regard in spades. When you're ready, just start reading the site articles and do the Tools and Lessons located in the right panel of this page. The other thing that you'll find here is support for yourself.

I do agree with Mutt that you are possibly caught in a Karpman Drama Triangle.

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck
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phoebenna

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 10:34:53 PM »

Thank you so much! I was feeling so alone. I was looking for help and understanding and was feeling so discouraged that no one believed me.  I felt like they thought I was parenting the wrong way? Happy to have found some understanding, support, and advice! 
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MomMae
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 184



« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2018, 07:21:11 AM »

Hi pheobenna,

I just wanted to join Speck and Mutt in welcoming you to the parent's forum!  I am glad that you have joined us, but am very sorry for the difficult and heartbreaking situation with your daughter that necessitated you having to find us... .

Having a BPD dd21 who started exhibiting symptoms around the age your daughter is now, I understand how you are feeling and empathize so much.  With this forum, you do not have to feel so alone anymore.  Everyone here "gets it" and has walked a similar dark and frightening path.  And I want to assure you, pheobenna, that this is a no judgement zone!  You are not to blame for your daughter's mental health struggles.  You are a great parent, looking for answers - bravo!

As Speck mentioned, as well as using the tools here to learn how to better communicate, self-care is just as important.  You need to keep yourself well, because you deserve it, also so that you are best able to help your daughter and take care of your family.

I hope you stay with us, pheobenna... .You are not alone in this.  There are many wonderful people on this forum to turn to for wisdom, support and above all understanding!    MomMae
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