It has been exactly a week since Ive last heard from her

[Unit667]

First time posting so I apologize if this drags on

So long story short, met a girl online, seemed to be that we were made for each other, messaged each other for about a week then went on our first date. We clicked almost immediatly, went on two more dates in the span of 5 days, things at least on the surface seemed to be perfect then out of the blue on the night of our third date she cut me off via text by saying that she wasnt looking for a realationship and gave me a halfassed apology. Tried asking her if I did anything wrong and just got a one word “No” reply.

At first I was relieved as I found out from one of her social media accounts on the day she cut it off that she had BPD and the more I researched about it the more I felt that I had dodged a bullet. But as the week went on I found myself missing her uncontrollably, so much that I reached out to her trying to patch things up and to my surprise she replied stating that she wanted the same thing and we met again the following day.

I felt extremely apprehensive on this date however and suggested that we just stay friends for the time being as we didn’t want to “catch feelings” for eachother , so over the course of a weekend we were messaging eachother almost as if nothing bad happened , her tone changed drastically in comparsion to the love bombing she gave me when we first met. It was during this time when I realized I had developed genuine feelings for her and the only thing Ive been able to think about since is seeing her again. During this time,I was seeing glimers of her former attitude such as saying things like “I miss you” and “ I hope you’re having a good day”.

Then one day I message her saying that I missed her and she just gave me a one word reply saying “Oh”. Then after that, I get completly ignored,and blocked from her personal instagram account,it has been exactly a week since Ive last heard from her and I have tried to reach out twice since then with no reply, I was also thinking of sending an apology yesterday but decided against it as I felt that it would have pushed her away even more.

She still follows me on social media and has liked all of my posts on instagram and is always the first one to view my stories on snapchat so Im not really sure what to make of that.It also seems everything she has been doing lately is a direct response to something Im doing (I post a video of me and my friends playing a game, she posts her friends playing the same game). I am not really sure what to do to be honest, part of me is glad to be out of it but another part lf me wants to do anything I can to see her again. I am both scared to death she will contact me again and also praying that it will happen. Im not really able to talk to friends /family about it because they jutst shrug it off as “shes just crazy”.

Some days Im able to function as normal but other days I cant get her out of my head, it also doesn’t help that this is the first relationship Ive ever had. I am going to go full NC with the hope that she will try contacting me but any other advice is strongly appreciated

Tl;dr: met girl seemingly of my dreams/she breaks it off, we get back together/ I break it off, currently getting the silent treatment, planning on going NC in the hopes of hearing from her again

Thanks in advance for reading, any and all advice is welcome

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

First time posting

Some days Im able to function as normal but other days I cant get her out of my head, it also doesn’t help that this is the first relationship Ive ever had. I am going to go full NC with the hope that she will try contacting me but any other advice is strongly appreciated

Tl;dr: met girl seemingly of my dreams/she breaks it off, we get back together/ I break it off, currently getting the silent treatment, planning on going NC in the hopes of hearing from her again

Thanks in advance for reading, any and all advice is welcome

Hi Unit667,

 

This is your first (almost) relationship? What are you looking for in a relationship overall?

with compassion, pearl.

[isilme]

Hello Unit667,

Looks like you found the best place to talk about this  Friends and family who have not encountered BPD themselves can't really understand it.  There is usually a good, warm, loving person, hidden under all the uncontrollable emotional baggage.  That is the person we want to spend time with, bit the baggage often hides them and people we ask about it like to give simple, easy solutions - she's crazy, just end it.

Now, knowing she has BPD, I'd read A LOT right now.  You need to go into this eyes open.  Most of us on here only learned about BPD after months, years, and even decades into the relationship, where things are very entangled and ending it is very hard.  Even if we wanted to, which most of us on this particular board do not.

What you seem to be encountering is called the "push/pull" cycle.  A pwBPD wants to keep us close, but fears us being too close and then abandoning them, so they push us away to abandon us first.  Then, fearing we will leave, they pull us back in.  Rinse.  Repeat.  

It takes time to set the groundwork that shows you will be there (if this is what you choose).  It takes a lot of action as well as validating words that show you understand they feel a certain way (even if you don't share those feelings).  And even if you are 100% perfect in use of validation, use of tools like SET (Sympathy, Empathy, Truth) for communication, BPD is always going to be there.  It can be minimized but never goes away.  Just like a person with diabetes can manage their sugar levels with diligence and practice, a pwBPD and their SO can learn to navigate the emotional minefield within them, BUT, sudden events, illnesses, stress, family interactions, job worries, school, you name it - all can influence how many episodes come on, and how bad they are.  Just like a person with diabetes can have high sugar while sick, or low sugar from getting too busy to eat, a person with BPD can face  sudden mood change, and often will lash out at the person closest.  It's how they learned to cope, and it's not healthy, but it takes time to re-train to react in other ways.

The r/s will likely rely a lot on you being able to manage YOUR emotions, and YOUR reactions better than she can.  It's just how things work with BPD.  Being aware of all of this, and after reading what you can, if you choose to pursue this new relationship, be aware it's going to be work - all relationships are work, and many are just as hard or even more so than those with BPD involved.
 
Wishing you luck, post as much as you like, we're here to listen and help as we can :D

[Unit667]

Thanks for the replies
To answer your question pearlsw, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in a relationship tbh probably due to the fact I am so inexperienced when it comes to relationships in the first place, I'm mainly focusing on trying to get things back to the way things were when we first met and not looking too far past that.

And to reply to isilme, I have been reading about BPD almost obsessively since finding out she has it from her social media. She later admitted to me that she has BPD the day she stopped contacting me and confided in me that she only tells this to those she is close to, I acted as if I did not know what it was and thanked her for trusting me with this confession,I never reacted negatively to this information and neither of us brought it up again.In hindsight I feel that telling me this may have been some sort of test to see how I would react. I feel that I am trying my best to show her that I am there for her such as telling her "I want to take care of you" on our last date and sending a positive affirmation text two days ago (no reply of course) but the lack of responses on her part makes it extremely hard to gauge if I am pulling her closer or pushing her away. I am prepared to work hard for her but am not too sure of my next move as I'm not sure if I should try messaging her to check up on her and receive no reply or to ignore her completely with the hopes that she will come back begging to see me again. Every time i've tried going NC I always crack after about two days and obsessively check my phone and never get a reply but I've seen that this has worked for a lot of people with significant others with BPD. She also started a new quarter at college so I believe that that is also a big influence in her sudden change of attitude towards me.

Thank you both for the replies and I hope to hear from you again soon

[isilme]

Two quick things:


1.  When they pull away, if you've stated once, "I'm here for you," then it's best to leave it and just give them space and see if they contact you.  Continuing to check in "how are you doing?" feels like chasing, and if they are pushing you away, they will only run farther.  Concentrate on things you like to do, and do them.  Don't put your life on hold, and try to accept if she wants you, she will come to you.  If not, she will move on.  This is hard for any relationship, BPD makes even more trying, and if you stated this is your first r/s, it can be even harder because the feelings are all sharp, shiny, and new.  Chasing seems desperate and can be unattractive.  I am not advocating game playing.  I am advocating "radical acceptance" of what BPD brings to the table.  It means there will be times when she pulls away, and it can sting if you let it.  If you realize it's just part of the disorder, it hurts less when it happens, you can focus on you in the meantime and giver her space, and then she will likely "reset" and you will be back at phase I.

Also, those of us who pursue people with BPD often have a codependent streak, which brings my to point 2:

2. 

I want to take care of you

Careful, here.  I know what you mean, but BPD and codependency intermix far too easily, and you can end up in a place where you sincerely feel her emotions are your responsibility.  I don't know if you are codependent, but I am, and it's a struggle to remind myself, even after 22 years in my r/s, that we are separate people allowed to not share each and every emotion.  If he's mad, and I DID NOT do anything to cause it, or even if he claims I did but it's an unreasonable level of anger over whatever the offense was (for instance, yelling for hours if I forgot one thing form the store), then I need to distance myself from those emotions, and not take ownership of them or "fixing" his.

I just mention this because many of us are "rescuers".  We want so badly to "fix" the problems that upset our loved ones, give up things they claim drive them away, we often end up looking around 10 years later wondering what happened?  Where are my friends?  Why don't I do XYZ anymore?

Be careful - being there for her does not 100% mean taking care of her, and taking care of her does not mean making all her emotions "good".  She's allowed to have bad days, to get in a snit, and you are allowed to still have a good day yourself, and not share her negative feelings.  This si one area where quiet boundaries are needed and you cans tart now working on putting those in place :D

[Unit667]

I will go ahead and go with my gut then and give her the space she needs right now although it's going to be painful for me and see where it goes from there.I am also codependent

Thank you so much for your help again isilme

[CryWolf]

Two quick things:


1.  When they pull away, if you've stated once, "I'm here for you," then it's best to leave it and just give them space and see if they contact you.  Continuing to check in "how are you doing?" feels like chasing, and if they are pushing you away, they will only run farther.  Concentrate on things you like to do, and do them.  Don't put your life on hold, and try to accept if she wants you, she will come to you.  If not, she will move on.  This is hard for any relationship, BPD makes even more trying, and if you stated this is your first r/s, it can be even harder because the feelings are all sharp, shiny, and new.  Chasing seems desperate and can be unattractive.  I am not advocating game playing.  I am advocating "radical acceptance" of what BPD brings to the table.  It means there will be times when she pulls away, and it can sting if you let it.  If you realize it's just part of the disorder, it hurts less when it happens, you can focus on you in the meantime and giver her space, and then she will likely "reset" and you will be back at phase I.

Also, those of us who pursue people with BPD often have a codependent streak, which brings my to point 2:

2.  Careful, here.  I know what you mean, but BPD and codependency intermix far too easily, and you can end up in a place where you sincerely feel her emotions are your responsibility.  I don't know if you are codependent, but I am, and it's a struggle to remind myself, even after 22 years in my r/s, that we are separate people allowed to not share each and every emotion.  If he's mad, and I DID NOT do anything to cause it, or even if he claims I did but it's an unreasonable level of anger over whatever the offense was (for instance, yelling for hours if I forgot one thing form the store), then I need to distance myself from those emotions, and not take ownership of them or "fixing" his.

I just mention this because many of us are "rescuers".  We want so badly to "fix" the problems that upset our loved ones, give up things they claim drive them away, we often end up looking around 10 years later wondering what happened?  Where are my friends?  Why don't I do XYZ anymore?

Be careful - being there for her does not 100% mean taking care of her, and taking care of her does not mean making all her emotions "good".  She's allowed to have bad days, to get in a snit, and you are allowed to still have a good day yourself, and not share her negative feelings.  This si one area where quiet boundaries are needed and you cans tart now working on putting those in place :D

 I had to screen shot this. Thank you for the great information slime I did chase and overpursue after the breakup. pushed her away and its been over a month now where i gave her the space and took myself out her life like she needed. how long does it typically take for a reset? Im getting a bit worried she wont come back.  and have to accept it.

[isilme]

Crywolf,

It depends on the person, how high drama their BPD is, and how much it interferes with decision making.  I also have BPD husband, and it seems there are some differences in how women and men can express BPD feelings.

There is nothing wrong after a long period with you contacting her to see how she is, to meet for lunch, to make sure she has that DVD she left at your place, etc.  It's just the "how are you? you still mad? can I see you? do you still love me?  I'm so sorry I will do anything you want," messages that can push them farther and keep the argument going and puts you in a position to assume responsibility for their emotions. 

My H can "reset" these days within 1-2 days, but I've been on this site for 10 years, working my pokey way through trying the tools.  We never hit an "I am breaking up with you" point.  Things would just get very ugly for days, sometimes weeks, and all my internal programming from my BPD-parent childhood just made things worse.  Now, I can see patterns a bit better, if not during the fight then at least soon after, and try to stop myself from JADEing and making it worse, I try to leave him be and take a break for a bit, and don't push myself off on him.  We have a tiny house so it's not easy, but there are always things I can do in other rooms (If I just leave the room and go take a nap or read a book, this can trigger more anger, but if he finds me folding clothes or otherwise cleaning, he's okay?  It's weird).  We go from cranky, to full-on rage, to silent treatment for about 1-2 days, then he will be willing to reconcile.  I do not mention the fight.  I simply watch, see if I can hug him, and usually, that's it.  Done.

I notice people want closure after a fight - BPD is not going to give this to you, usually, especially not if you ask for it.  It's just part of accepting what the condition entails.  I find it a little silly - I have to stop myself from asking what I want to know, and then find he's more willing to talk about it.  I am not sure if this is true for everyone.  I just know what makes my H balky and what does not. 

[Unit667]

Update: So I just wanted to update this topic really quick, so I ended up breaking NC and sent her a long apology basically apologizing for everything I believe she could have perceived as "wrong" during our relationship and ended it by reiterating that if she ever needed to talk to anyone I would be there for her(No response as expected). After this I fully committed to NC and ended up doing something on social media that I knew would have gotten her attention, in response to this she blocked me on almost everything I have connected to her except one of her private accounts. As much as I didnt want this to bother me, I ended up messaging her on this private account basically telling her I was worried and wanted to make sure she was all right and finally got a response, that response being "Im alright, please dont message me again". My question is do I respect her wishes even though i know she is hurting and call it quits, or do I try to reach out again in vain with the hope that something I say may paint me white? I want to believe she still cares about me due to the fact that what I did on social media provoked such a massive response from her considering she hasnt spoken to me for two weeks but now I feel even more lost then I did before sadly

Thanks for the support bpdfamily!