Are we ever done giving

[bluek9]

Hi all,

      I've been here in this space for a while now. Many of you know some about me. I'm finding today that I really need to vent my weariness. Just when I think I've put all the straws in the right order and things are functioning fairly well; BAM and oh look, there is something else to put on your plate.
      Let me clarify. I work full time 40 hours a week, on call 24/7. I recently changed my work hours so that I could fit in getting my grandson on the bus in the morning. Then manage to get my hours in and still be at the bus stop on time to pick him up. I work Tuesday - Saturday with Sun. Mon. off. That way I can schedule all Dr. appointments for my BPDD on Monday, and only have to miss one a day a month to do the psychiatrist. Well that left me with having Sunday as my down time.
       So after having spent the last 7 months in therapy with my daughter and finally having her reach a fairly stable place with no meltdowns; she comes to me with a statement. "I don't want to interact with JJ(her son 6). Who I am raising. No this was not a surprise to me, she has been unable to parent him since he was 1. I have been doing my best all her life to provide the care she needs. Now I've been raising JJ all his life and doing my best to keep his mothers horrible behaviors and her vile hateful mouth from hurting him. While we have had calm for about 90 days now, it is becoming aparent everyday that JJ knows something is wrong with his mother. I think oh lord, how do I even try to expalin any of this to a 6 year old.
       In talking about this with my daughter counselor, the counselor made a suggestion to have them both go to play therapy together, for her to learn how to connect with him. I think well, this could work, I certaily don't want him to be alienated from his mother. My daughter agrees, she will go, she will try. Yea! Here is the kicker, it can only happen on Sunday.
       Oh my God, I just want to scream, what about me. I want to be selfish and have my time. Then of course I feel awful. It's this terrible dialog that goes back and forth. Right now since I'm venting the selfish part is winning. I want to say "what about me, how much do I have to give and give, and then keep giving some more"? I get it people--I know self care, boundaries self limitations. Actually sometimes it just pisses me off. I've spent the last 35 years being the one and only person who gives a damn about my daughter. And because of this mental illness she is incapable of acknowledging that. I do it because I love her, I raise my JJ because I love him. I've just reached this ledge, and now I need to give more, do more, love more.
        It drives me crazy, I sound like one of those people who can't do anything without getting a pat on the back all the time. And so I find myself here, where I know I can vent to people who understand give, give, give and give some more. I know I'm the parent, grandparent, I know there will never be an end to my love and compassion for my daughter and JJ. But damn it sure would be nice to hear "good job mom", have someone say they can see the difference I make in their lives. This place, this board, is the ONLY support I have. There is no extended family, spouse, sibling around to notice that our lives are endless challenges.
        Any way I better sign off. Don't want to get into that really ugly place of not caring. THANKS in advance for reading, listening to a parent have a moment

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

Your post says what many parents feel who are taking care of a child with BPD: You are so exhausted with all the giving and giving and not getting any appreciation and help in return. You mentioned that you are doing all this by yourself and have no support from family or anybody else. I am wondering if there is a big brother/big sister program in your area, that would mentor your grandson. Do reach out and find out what is available to help give yourself some relief and time to yourself. There may be an organization which has volunteers who would take your grandson and daughter to therapy on Sunday, especially since you are grandmother taking care of a young child, which is much harder than being a parent to a young child. Let us know how we can help, and post any time. There are many parents on this board who have similar experiences and can be a helping hand in the best and worst of times.

[MomMae]

Hi bluek9,

I just wanted to say, Damn straight you are doing good job, a great job in fact!  And we all need to hear that once in a while, of course we do!  It is not selfish, it is necessary.  And on top of all you are doing for your D and GS while working full time, you are an Ambassador on this very board, offering support and wise words to very grateful folks!  Myself included.

Reading your post reminded me of something Hyacinth Bucket posted about a month ago.  I don't know how to put links on here, but I'll try.  If it doesn't work, look back to March 15th to her thread entitled "You're doing a good job".  You and every parent on here should read it, and the link she has in it to an inspiring article. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322678.msg12948705#msg12948705

And I think zachira's suggestions are awesome ideas.

Thanks for being here for others when we need you bluek9, and take good and gentle care of yourself!    MM

[Faith Spring]

Honestly, I don't think we are ever done giving.  It's the nature of this beast.  You're running yourself ragged and you should stand up for your Sunday's.  don't feel badly.  This place is my only support too.  I'm so sorry you are exasperated and not really getting any nourishment in return.  From the sounds of it, you know better than anyone here as to what's best - you've been in the trenches way longer than most I bet.  

If I were you, I'd sleep on it and then go with your gut when you wake up.  I and lots others are here for you no matter the choices you make.  I don't know you but from what I've read, I trust your judgement.  

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Bluek9,

To echo MM, you are doing a truly phenomenal job! You have every right to protect what little time you get to yourself. Remember that if you overdo it you'll be of no use to anyone. A huge part of helping others is taking care of ourselves. I hope that there is another option or some compromise that can be found.

Thinking of you   

[Huat]

My heart goes out to you, Bluek9 !

I am so glad you have this venue where you can vent and I certainly hope you feel the hugs from all of us here.  Keep putting those fingers of yours on the keyboard and pounding out your frustrations.  We will let you know we are listening.  We are here.

I agree with the rest about the need for you to look after yourself.  Your weekly schedule is a head-shaker.  There has to be time for YOU... .and no guilt when you take that time!

Thinking of you.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Hi bluek9

I totally get the pissed off feeling and I’d feel exactly the same. It sounds like you’re only just managing to keep things together and balanced for everybody. You just received a change that wasn’t your choice.

You’ve had 7 months of stability. This is just fantastic! I know it’s been hard work and I know it’s down to you. We all need to feel understood and loved even if our efforts aren’t appreciated or even acknowledged.

So if your daughter and gson get to spend time together on a Sunday does it have to be you that drives them there? Is there any way they can get themselves there on their own?  This responsibility passed to your daughter may be the beginning of a new phase for them both?  Or is it that you feel that would be unsafe?

I’ve got some suggestions for your Sunday but I’m getting the feeling that you have to be involved in the play sessions transport as a chaperone?

I think you’re amazing and also very tired. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to start trying to put yourself first a little for your own well-being. Try to find a way to get a regular slot on a Sunday or a Monday where you can do something just for yourself.

LP

[heartandwhole]

bluek9,

Let it out! You have every right to feel that your limit has been reached. In your shoes, I'd be crying tears of frustration.

Lollypop asks a good question: can arrangements be made to get that therapy going without your participation? You need time off, time out, time to yourself. Period.

Yes, love pushes us on, and we keep giving our best. It's a beautiful thing. But remember to include yourself in all that giving. You deserve to be recognized for all you've done for your family. It affects our whole society, after all! So, thank you from me. Your grandson will one day realize how much your love and care made a difference in his life.  

heartandwhole

[bluek9]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE! I really appreciate the support, encouragement, understanding and love. I hear you all, and totally agree, I do need time to myself. It's just that this knocked the wind out of me, caught me off gaurd. Here I am thinking things can be managable for awhile. In actuallity change is the constant in this life of mental illness. I could be mad at myself and say I SHOULD know this, but crap my brain can only hold on to so much at a time.
      I thank you all for the suggestions. My daughter and JJ are on medicare and yes there is a transpotation service for appointments. I'm going to look into it. I haven't yet because yes their are issues with my D being alone with JJ. I am going to talk to with her about it. Really the whole trip would be less than 2 hours, including travel time, and the service is free.
      Zachira, Mommae, FaithSpring, HB, Huat, Looypop and HW again thank you all for being my sounding board. My life is enriched daily by communicating with the parents on this board. No matter how much self care we do or realization we come to, we all come to that one moment when at that very moment it's too much for us. You all have recharged my faith in myself for doin a great job. A job I might add no one else in my family or life could do. Hence the reason I stand alone. Love to all

[Daisy123]

Dear Bluek9,
You are so generous and loving. You have found a way to be there for your GS, turning your schedule upside down for both GS and DD. I’ve only been at this BPD for about 7 years and not grandchildren to care for.
What I heard in your post is someone who knows herself so well-you understand your limits. I have gotten so caught up in trying to save my DD, I ended up so sick needing inpatient myself. I admire your self awareness and your incredible strength, you are doing this solo. Wow! Your DD and GS need you, so go on and keep listening to your own needs. This is how you have revitalized, energized yourself so you could continue caregiving. Thanks for sharing. You are an inspiration to all of us out here. I was just saying to my husband that with all the energy it takes to parent our daughter, we could have run a couple of marathons; you, could have run more than a dozen by now.
Please take care!

[Merlot]

Hi Bluek9

It really sounds like you are doing it tough.  I think most of us want to scream to the hilltops every so often... .probably not such a bad idea.    But I'm glad you could vent here.

I suffered from exhaustion last year working full time and on call like you, and while my daughter wasnt living with me, it felt like I was never not feeding her, watching the baby, walking the dogs, etc every weekend. It went on and on and I lost me. I had no idea how to set realistic boundaries and when I tried to pullback, abandonment/rejection kicked and we are now cut off.

The relief I felt in having my life back has been replaced with a grief related exhaustion. Im trying to learn how to deal with my emotions, how to validate her and how to deal with the rest of the family who are enabling/placating her because of my younger daughter's wedding in August.

BPD truly is challenging, to me it feels like having a chronic illness that I have to learn to manage.

In your circumstances,  Id be replacing SelfISH with SelfLESS and recognising your worth in SelfCARE.

I wish nothing but some respite for you.

Merlot

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[webzy]

Hi all,

      I've been here in this space for a while now. Many of you know some about me. I'm finding today that I really need to vent my weariness. Just when I think I've put all the straws in the right order and things are functioning fairly well; BAM and oh look, there is something else to put on your plate.
      Let me clarify. I work full time 40 hours a week, on call 24/7. I recently changed my work hours so that I could fit in getting my grandson on the bus in the morning. Then manage to get my hours in and still be at the bus stop on time to pick him up. I work Tuesday - Saturday with Sun. Mon. off. That way I can schedule all Dr. appointments for my BPDD on Monday, and only have to miss one a day a month to do the psychiatrist. Well that left me with having Sunday as my down time.
       So after having spent the last 7 months in therapy with my daughter and finally having her reach a fairly stable place with no meltdowns; she comes to me with a statement. "I don't want to interact with JJ(her son 6). Who I am raising. No this was not a surprise to me, she has been unable to parent him since he was 1. I have been doing my best all her life to provide the care she needs. Now I've been raising JJ all his life and doing my best to keep his mothers horrible behaviors and her vile hateful mouth from hurting him. While we have had calm for about 90 days now, it is becoming aparent everyday that JJ knows something is wrong with his mother. I think oh lord, how do I even try to expalin any of this to a 6 year old.
       In talking about this with my daughter counselor, the counselor made a suggestion to have them both go to play therapy together, for her to learn how to connect with him. I think well, this could work, I certaily don't want him to be alienated from his mother. My daughter agrees, she will go, she will try. Yea! Here is the kicker, it can only happen on Sunday.
       Oh my God, I just want to scream, what about me. I want to be selfish and have my time. Then of course I feel awful. It's this terrible dialog that goes back and forth. Right now since I'm venting the selfish part is winning. I want to say "what about me, how much do I have to give and give, and then keep giving some more"? I get it people--I know self care, boundaries self limitations. Actually sometimes it just pisses me off. I've spent the last 35 years being the one and only person who gives a damn about my daughter. And because of this mental illness she is incapable of acknowledging that. I do it because I love her, I raise my JJ because I love him. I've just reached this ledge, and now I need to give more, do more, love more.
        It drives me crazy, I sound like one of those people who can't do anything without getting a pat on the back all the time. And so I find myself here, where I know I can vent to people who understand give, give, give and give some more. I know I'm the parent, grandparent, I know there will never be an end to my love and compassion for my daughter and JJ. But damn it sure would be nice to hear "good job mom", have someone say they can see the difference I make in their lives. This place, this board, is the ONLY support I have. There is no extended family, spouse, sibling around to notice that our lives are endless challenges.
        Any way I better sign off. Don't want to get into that really ugly place of not caring. THANKS in advance for reading, listening to a parent have a moment

Just wanted to let you know that you are truly amazing... .your daughter and grandson are so lucky to have you in their life... .All the feelings you are describing about feeling guilty are natural, but like we all know, sooner or later it will catch up with you and then what will happen, I think we know the answer... .take time for you, you certainly deserve it with no guilt, I liked the idea of a big brother for your grandson, and letting a service drive your daughter and her son, they are experienced with these issues and deal with them daily.  I think this could be great for your daughter as well as she will be spending her day with her son and having full responsibility for him might give her a better sense of confidence that she might not want to face. You are her fall back so make it a win for all by you having sometime alone and her having sometime with HER son... .Good luck... .

[bluek9]

         I have come to some conclusions in the last couple of days. Yesterday when I took my daughter to therapy I told her I had a good idea. I shared with her about taking the medical transport for her and JJ on Sundays, asked her how she felt about it. She screwed up her face and started to protest. Then she got all quiet said "you know I don't do well with stuff like that". I said yes, I do know that but, I'd like you to attempt it. I told her I would set everything up for her( she does not do well on the phone). So for now it's a done deal. As far as JJ he gets disability services, I've just had an impossible time finding a personal service worker. Yesterday his case manager sent me a new name, I called and set up a time for an interview. Yea this lady lives in our town, I'm hoping all goes well.
        Any way here is the conclusion, I need to forgive. Forgive my daughter for being soo needy, it's not her doing or her fault, she never asked to have a mental illness. I need to forgive all the SYSTEMS, they can only serve so many people with so little resources and funding(thanking you to our government   ) And of course last but not least I need to forgive myself. I am only one person, I can only do so much, I know how to say NO.
        If any of you have every had the wind knocked out of you, you know what a scared crap feeling that is. You're awake, you're scared, your mind is racing thinking how do I fix this I need air. All you can do is stand there and wait for something to happen. Then finally your body relaxes and you can breath again. THAT'S WHAT EVERY NEW BLOW THAT COMES FROM BPD FEELS LIKE. So now that I can breath again and I have had some great input from all of you, I feel like I can solider on some more.