I have been the "bad child" for over a year now

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

This is my first time making a post here. I have been reading a book called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it recomended joining an online support group. I found out that my mom has borderline personality disorder (I am actually just about to graduate with my Masters in Social Work). Nobody in my family knows, not even my mom (I've come to this diagnosis along with our old family therapist). I feel so lost, and I feel like I lost my mom. Just yesterday was the first time I had seen her since January and we only live ten minutes apart. I have been the "bad child" for over a year now. I just don't know what to do.

[MissAlwaysWrong]

Hi,

This is my first time making a post here. I have been reading a book called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it recomended joining an online support group. I found out that my mom has borderline personality disorder (I am actually just about to graduate with my Masters in Social Work). Nobody in my family knows, not even my mom (I've come to this diagnosis along with our old family therapist). I feel so lost, and I feel like I lost my mom. Just yesterday was the first time I had seen her since January and we only live ten minutes apart. I have been the "bad child" for over a year now. I just don't know what to do.

[Harri]

Hi MissAwaysWrong and welcome to the board!  You will find there are a lot of us who can relate to having a uBPDm (undiagnosed BPD mother) and being called the bad child (also called being painted black or scapegoat).  I lived wit my parents for a very long time and when I moved out I was accused of betraying and ruining the family, being hateful, selfish, etc.  It hurt a lot.  I was determined to break the patterns though and used my hurt and anger at being treated so poorly to fuel my desire to establish and enforce boundaries.  My mother cut contact with me and that lasted about a year and a half but over time, things thawed a bit.  I used that time to work on me.  Things can get better over time but you have to change how you interact with her otherwise you just stay in the same old patterns.

We have articles and tools that can help you better understand BPD and how to communicate in ways that do not escalate the issues.  Even though you are a social worker, when it comes to dealing with your own family it is very different than working with a client. 

How did your visit go with your mom?  What would you say is the biggest challenge for you right now?  I ask because it will help to get your story out but it can also help us figure out the best articles for you to start with (though you are certainly welcome to search the Library section of this site on your own).

Anyway, I look forward to hearing more of your story as you feel ready to share it.

Hope to see you around.

[MissAlwaysWrong]

I explained it to my fiancé as it could have been worse. She used to punish me by yelling at me. Now this time she would not even look in my direction. Plus when she spoke it was mumbling. I’m working on setting boundaries and trying to have a positive relationship. Since moving out made everything dramatically worse. The hardest part right now is that I’m planning my wedding and my immediately family wants it to not happen. They say I shouldn’t get married unless everyone is ready and happy. I got engaged while we weren’t speaking. Which really enraged my mom.

[Woolspinner2000]

I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you, MissAlwaysWrong,   Thank you for the courage to share your first post with us.

First things first though... .CONGRATS on your upcoming Master's achievement! Hooray!  That is such a huge accomplishment and deserves recognition. And let's not forget the wedding coming up too! Exciting times but having a pwBPD in your life just adds complications, doesn't it?  When you are ready to jump into that topic for discussion, there will be many other members who can chime in and offer helpful thoughts. Nonetheless, this upcoming wedding gets to be your choice and your fiances, not any other family member's dictation to you. Have you spoken with your T about it?

Keep sharing and keep reading!
 
Wools

[MissAlwaysWrong]

I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you, MissAlwaysWrong,   Thank you for the courage to share your first post with us.

First things first though... .CONGRATS on your upcoming Master's achievement! Hooray!  That is such a huge accomplishment and deserves recognition. And let's not forget the wedding coming up too! Exciting times but having a pwBPD in your life just adds complications, doesn't it?  When you are ready to jump into that topic for discussion, there will be many other members who can chime in and offer helpful thoughts. Nonetheless, this upcoming wedding gets to be your choice and your fiances, not any other family member's dictation to you. Have you spoken with your T about it?

Keep sharing and keep reading!
 
Wools

Thank you so much for the congratulations! Everything about this time in my life has been exciting. Just managing my family is so difficult I forget to be super excited about it. I have spoken with my T about this and I continue to work on it. Just so much easier said than done.

[Panda39]

The hardest part right now is that I’m planning my wedding and my immediately family wants it to not happen. They say I shouldn’t get married unless everyone is ready and happy.

Sometimes I just need someone else to say something to me so I've got one from me to you... .You are not responsible for their happiness You are responsible for your happiness and you are doing a great job!  Masters Degree and marriage to a great guy keep your attention and focus there and not on the negative nellys that want to rain on your parade.

Panda39

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome!   

The hardest part right now is that I’m planning my wedding and my immediately family wants it to not happen. They say I shouldn’t get married unless everyone is ready and happy.

This really stuck out to me.  I'm sorry that your family members are putting their own comfort with the situation above your happiness, that isn't fair.  I can definitely relate.  While my family wasn't telling me to not get married, mine definitely pressured me into being better about including my uBPD mom and wanted me to make sure she felt welcome and supported.  And this was despite her doing a number of really disrespectful and hurtful things to be around this time, which is why I started distancing myself from her in the first place.  What I see now is that they were uncomfortable with the rift between her and I and that I wasn't fixing it or just acting like it was fine (like I had done my whole life).  They were interested in feeling less uncomfortable and knew it was up to me to "fix" it due to her issues.  Talk about enmeshment.

Like Panda stated - you are not responsible for their happiness!  You seem to be doing great and have some really exciting things coming up in your life.  Don't let their feelings on your choices take away from your achievements and happiness.  Your marriage is about you and your soon-to-be husband, NOT about your family and what they want.  Be sure you focus on YOU for a change!  Easier said than done sometimes, but it does get easier with conscious practice

[LeneLu]

Hello,

While I agree that your family shouldn't be telling you to wait for marriage until everyone else thinks is the right time, I would offer an alternative scenario.  I am assuming that everyone wants to be at your wedding and it sounds like they want to control it.  Is that the memory you want to look back on?  I regret many decisions I made to "include" my BPD sister to keep her (and by extension, my family) happy at the cost of my own happiness.  I wish that I had put me, my husband and child first... .always, without question.  I look back on may "joyous" occasions thinking, "She ruined that. She ruined that. She ruined that."  Would an elopement be an option? 

I know it is your decision and you probably have a dream wedding in mind.  I am just trying to give a perspective of having experienced "life events" with a BPD.  It can be very disappointing. But you do have control over it if you choose to. What is the memory you want and how can you get it without risking others' behaviors that you cannot control ruining it?