My ex has BPD and I'm still getting my head around it

[icky]

Hi all,

My ex has BPD and I'm still coming to terms with it and still trying to understand what the heck happened during all the chaos.

My first questions are:

- Is BPD treatable?
- If so, what would you say are the best/ most promising treatments available?
- Have any forms of therapy been invented just/ specifically for BPD?

Thanks,
icky

[icky]

Hi : )

Thanks for the words of warning.

I know.

It's been 18 months since the breakup now, and although I can still feel the ridiculous "addiction" that's remained, I'm 90% sure we're not going to have any contact anymore.

It's important to me to understand the issue tho and I have recently met a friend who has BPD. So I'd like to inform myself about these questions, just so I'm knowledgeable about them:

- Is BPD treatable?
- If so, what would you say are the best/ most promising treatments available?
- Have any forms of therapy been invented just/ specifically for BPD?

[JNChell]

Is BPD treatable?
- If so, what would you say are the best/ most promising treatments available?
- Have any forms of therapy been invented just/ specifically for BPD?
 
Hi icky! Welcome to bpdfamily. BPD is treatable, but the success rate is quite low. The biggest challenge is getting them into therapy in the first place. Secondly is getting them to self reflect once in therapy. There are success stories, but they are few. Two effective treatments are DBT and CBT.

It should be noted that pwBPD are not psychopaths. Psychopaths lack any emotions at all. pwBPD have a very heightened sense of emotions that they are unable to control. They possess the very same emotions that we do, but their’s feel very extreme to them. They are stuck in a state of arrested development . Basically, you’re dealing with an adult that has the emotional maturity of a toddler, to at best, a pre-teen.

I’m very sorry that you went through what you had to endure in your relationship. These relationships can leave us reeling. You’re in a good place here. We all support and help each other here on this subject. If you’re comfortable in doing so, can you share more about your relationship with you pwBPD? We’re glad you’re here, icky.

[icky]

Hey : )
Thank you for your response!
Yeah, I am aware the success rate is super low.
I think I'm mostly "over" what happened. It took me 18 months of daily sobbing to get here, but I'm feeling like a normal human being again now, am back to enjoying life and am no longer scared of what happened in the BPD relationship/ breakup.

At the moment, I don't want to chew through all the details again - I was doing that for almost 18 months and I'm glad to have come to a sense of peace with it. I still struggle with it occasionally, but it is mild.
At the moment, I think I'm in the phase of "intellectualising" it. I'm someone who's kind of nerdy and into knowledge anyway, and by just learning and understanding the phenomenon of BPD better, I think I can help myself feel less traumatized by the experience.
If I can understand it and just see that it's an emotional/ psychological problem with certain symptoms and behaviours, then I'll be able to make peace with it even more and get closure.

When the pain hasn't been huge, I've actually been thinking that BPD is quite a fascinating phenomenon!
It's certainly complex and tricky and I'm someone who like complex things, so I'm finding it interesting to think about.
The experience has also left me with a lot of compassion for people with BPD (now that I'm no longer in intense pain! While I was suffering, I wasn't feeling too compassionate.)

I mean, if we think it's hell to live with the effects of BPD from our partners/ family memebers/ whoever, I cannot being to imagine what life must be like for *them*.
It must be devastating and unbearable and chaotic and confusing.
In retrospect I'm amazed at how well my ex has managed in life despite his BPD.
It must take unfathomable strength for him to get through the day.
I've always been fascinated by psychology and I really find BPD interesting.
Thanks,
icky

[JNChell]

icky,
I’m very happy to hear that you’re in a better place with it now. BPD is quite a phenomenal disorder. I noticed you mentioning in your post that you’re eager to learn more about it. You’re in the right place! I’d like to recommend checking out the Learning from a failed relationship board. If you’re looking for a wealth of knowledge, it’s there. The staff and members there are a great resource for you. With that being said, please don’t hesitate to post on other boards. Your experience and insight can be very helpful to other members that are still struggling and in a great deal of pain.

Be sure to research the other materials on this site. There’s a ton of lessons, articles, videos and audios. This site was a real lifeline for me when I got here. Welcome aboard, icky!

[Cromwell]

Hey : )
Thank you for your response!
Yeah, I am aware the success rate is super low.
I think I'm mostly "over" what happened. It took me 18 months of daily sobbing to get here, but I'm feeling like a normal human being again now, am back to enjoying life and am no longer scared of what happened in the BPD relationship/ breakup.

At the moment, I don't want to chew through all the details again - I was doing that for almost 18 months and I'm glad to have come to a sense of peace with it. I still struggle with it occasionally, but it is mild.
At the moment, I think I'm in the phase of "intellectualising" it. I'm someone who's kind of nerdy and into knowledge anyway, and by just learning and understanding the phenomenon of BPD better, I think I can help myself feel less traumatized by the experience.
If I can understand it and just see that it's an emotional/ psychological problem with certain symptoms and behaviours, then I'll be able to make peace with it even more and get closure.

When the pain hasn't been huge, I've actually been thinking that BPD is quite a fascinating phenomenon!
It's certainly complex and tricky and I'm someone who like complex things, so I'm finding it interesting to think about.
The experience has also left me with a lot of compassion for people with BPD (now that I'm no longer in intense pain! While I was suffering, I wasn't feeling too compassionate.)

I mean, if we think it's hell to live with the effects of BPD from our partners/ family memebers/ whoever, I cannot being to imagine what life must be like for *them*.
It must be devastating and unbearable and chaotic and confusing.
In retrospect I'm amazed at how well my ex has managed in life despite his BPD.
It must take unfathomable strength for him to get through the day.
I've always been fascinated by psychology and I really find BPD interesting.
Thanks,
icky

Im interested from a treatment point of view other than therapy. The nature of the condition makes it difficult for them to engage in therapy. So what about medication?

nothing.

there are medications to treat other comorbidities such as depression alongside BPD but nothing as I know that is specific for BPD.

I did some research at the time, like yourself I wanted to intellectualise the situation to come to terms with it better.

you might be interested in researching the role of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex regions of the brain and I think there was some research into that with regards to BPD as these are the areas concerned with reacting to emotions and dealing with stressors.

its good to feel compassion for your ex, but try to keep an open mind not to generalise your own unique situation with BPD. Yes there will be profound overlap where you will read into it and think "thats exactly what she was like" but in my own opinion it is quite a shaky label for a condition with quite vague and subjective terms that are used to class it as a disorder.

one of the shaky parts for me is the propensity towards alcoholism and substance abuse as an indicator.

you could turn that around and say that people who regularly use mind altering substances are going to be prone to the other behaviours that are used for a diagnosis. (such as self harm, low mood, suicidal behaviour) can all be linked more than tenuously to over indulgence in substances that are themselves depressants such as alcohol, or the comedowns associated with methamphetaine and cocaine use.

equally there have been days mostly during my time with her i wondered if I ticked the same checklist.

i did find it interesting at a time i was looking for basically anything to act as a diversion of the negative thoughts i was feeling for her.

[Shawnlam]

Hello icky I can fully understand what you are feeling and am technically on the same thought pattern as you.Im learning about BPD intensely plus the other cluster b’s which seem much easier to manage than BPD .The chances of anyone with BPD seeking help and in turn succeeding is slim to know honestly.If you read people’s stories on here  some years involved /marriage/children it’s very heart breaking to see so many people affected by these people.Its even harder to diagnose and the forgive someone with BPD because their actions are so cruel and unforgiving it’s borderline insane.There are days where I pity and have compassion for my exBPDgf and then there are days where I think anyone with BPD should be put down like a rabid dog before the destroy someone else.

With that said please feel free to keep all your questions flowing ,get all that out of your head and talk talk talk to us ... .younwill feel better.Private message if you want as well ,you will find my story in a few posts in detail and in general maybe reading it will make you feel better or at least not alone.

[icky]

its good to feel compassion for your ex, but try to keep an open mind not to generalise your own unique situation with BPD. Yes there will be profound overlap where you will read into it and think "thats exactly what she was like" but in my own opinion it is quite a shaky label for a condition with quite vague and subjective terms that are used to class it as a disorder.

one of the shaky parts for me is the propensity towards alcoholism and substance abuse as an indicator.

you could turn that around and say that people who regularly use mind altering substances are going to be prone to the other behaviours that are used for a diagnosis. (such as self harm, low mood, suicidal behaviour) can all be linked more than tenuously to over indulgence in substances that are themselves depressants such as alcohol, or the comedowns associated with methamphetaine and cocaine use.

equally there have been days mostly during my time with her i wondered if I ticked the same checklist.

Hi 

Thanks for your message.

I found it difficult re the attributes of BPD too. It wasn't until I heard of the subtype "quiet/ inward" BPD that it made sense to me. Have you heard of the subtype? Not all people with BPD "act out" all the time.

And yeah, while I was in the middle of the chaos, I thought I was going crazy too. 

And I think that like most things, BPD is probably on a continuum from none to mild to moderate to extreme.
And I'm sure that most of us have a one or two characteristics that are typical BPD themes, eg none of us likes to be "abandoned", but I guess most of us just aren't massively scared of it.

[icky]

The chances of anyone with BPD seeking help and in turn succeeding is slim to know honestly.If you read people’s stories on here  some years involved /marriage/children it’s very heart breaking to see so many people affected by these people.Its even harder to diagnose and the forgive someone with BPD because their actions are so cruel and unforgiving it’s borderline insane.There are days where I pity and have compassion for my exBPDgf and then there are days where I think anyone with BPD should be put down like a rabid dog before the destroy someone else.

Hi 

Yeah, I agree that my ex is 0% likely to ever seek help or do therapy or be in any way self-aware about this.

I have met a friend who has the diagnosis "depression with some BPD traits" and he is already in therapy.
Since I now (unfortunately, haha) know a bit about BPD, I wanted to research what kinds of therapy could be helpful for him, as he is currently doing a normal talk therapy for depression and is finding that it's not helping him with his BPD symptoms at all.

Oh and yeah, during the last 18 months of suffering, I did not feel compassionate or forgiving at all either! I can understand your sentiments : )

I guess I should be posting in the "Learning from a failed relationship" board.
I tried posting there initially, but when I signed up, the system that automatically generates your first post wouldn't let me tick that section (relationship over) the only section I could tick was "detaching from a failed relationship". Sorry about that!

[icky]

Can I say one thing that is still bothering me about this relationship?

I feel really used.

You know how there are some men, who will trick a woman into thinking it's love, so he can use her for his sexual needs?

Well, I feel like my ex tricked me into thinking it's love so he could use me for his emotional needs (insecurities, neediness).

I feel really, really, really used.

And like 4 years of my life were wasted.

[steelwork]

You know how there are some men, who will trick a woman into thinking it's love, so he can use her for his sexual needs?

Well, I feel like my ex tricked me into thinking it's love so he could use me for his emotional needs (insecurities, neediness).

I feel really, really, really used.

Yup. I get this completely. And the worst thing is that I have to give back all the false sense of worth his adoration gave me.

[Shawnlam]

Actually icky one of the primary feelings most of us have once we get out of a BPD relationship is feeling used.I feel the same way like a once steaming hot towel that dryed up and was tossed in the hamper .Knowing now that all those trips/dates/talks/cries/sex / walks / were all fake ,and a tool used to fulfill her emotional canteen ... .knowing it could have been me or the mail man it would have made no difference for her... .as long as she got what she needed.

It’s astounding to think any human being could be so empty ,shallow and worthless can walk amongst us normal in appearance is somewhat disturbing.I think any sane person forced to live 1 hour in the mind/body of someone with BPD  would seriously prefer death over having to live that way permanently.(I know I would).

The feelings of betrayal,being discarded (in my case I left her),the sheer amount of being disrespected,cheated,lied to is unlike anything we will probably ever live through again.Does it make us stronger? ... maybe .I think it’s made me weaker because for me to trust another I love you? Or yeah I love being around you? Will be next to impossible I think in my near to mid future.So you are not alone

[Cromwell]

Can I say one thing that is still bothering me about this relationship?

I feel really used.

You know how there are some men, who will trick a woman into thinking it's love, so he can use her for his sexual needs?

Well, I feel like my ex tricked me into thinking it's love so he could use me for his emotional needs (insecurities, neediness).

I feel really, really, really used.
And like 4 years of my life were wasted.

you know as I get older and the characters ive came across, it isnt easy for me to have found anyone who doesnt "use" in some form or another.

I was gravitated to mine because she was extremely good looking and gave out a dependency which I felt activated my sense of rescuing personality. would I have stayed with her if she was ugly? no. what if she was hot but self reliant and confident. no, ive turned down women who had these qualities.

so I cant blame anyone because I got what I wished for. I used her for what she had to offer. In return she used me for being able to fill that empty soul.

try to think about why you stuck with her for so long, what is it that you got from it? there must have been something. I dont believe in true altruism.

I could see the envious looks from guys when I would be out with her, little did they know the price I would have to pay for it.

my 3 years with a borderline and having survived it to tell the tale has made it a walk in the park when it comes to future relationships. it has changed me for the better. its made me less superficial and less of a rescuer personality.

compared to what I gave to her, she ended up being a very cheap date for the value of the experience has ended up changing me more than I feel if I would have chosen the other ones.

much of the disappointment comes from the saying "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"

maybe i will appreciate both myself and the next person far better than I would have, for their genuine caring, trust. respect and not take them for granted after what ive been through. I also realise Im attracted to more self reliant and confident person to share my life with and progress, rather than to be a caretaker for someone.

my ex was a super-user super-seducer, but I cant say that she wasted 3 years of my life. I stuck around for a reason, she never held a shotgun to me. she also inspired me to accelerate now to achieve things i might never had even tried, because im determined not to feel bitter or feel used but to turn the experience into a positive one.

[icky]

you know as I get older and the characters ive came across, it isnt easy for me to have found anyone who doesnt "use" in some form or another.

try to think about why you stuck with her for so long, what is it that you got from it? there must have been something. I dont believe in true altruism.

my 3 years with a borderline and having survived it to tell the tale has made it a walk in the park when it comes to future relationships. it has changed me for the better. its made me less superficial and less of a rescuer personality.

much of the disappointment comes from the saying "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"

Hi : )

You make some really interesting and valuable points.

Yeah, I'm trying not to "blame" him. For one, there's no point - BPD is an illness and it damages him even more than it can damage anyone else. And yeah, I went into this relationship too, for my own reasons.

Still, I feel really tricked. Because I wish I'd *known* what I was getting into. If I'd chosen that with my eyes wide open, then fine. As soon as I realised what was going on, I walked away from it. Sure, it took me a while, because I was reeling in disbelief, but I put healthy boundaries in place and walked away.

I do accept my responsibility for having been "not careful enough" or for missing some red flags. At the same time, my attitude is that no-one's perfect and I don't want to be paranoid about people and run at the first sign that something is challenging.

Now that I've been in a BPD relationship, I certainly know which red flags to watch out for in future!
But I'm not willing to turn that logic around and say "Because I didn't pick up on the signs of an illness I knew nothing about, that means I subconsciously wanted an abusive relationship." I don't buy that. I'm 40 and this is the first abusive relationship I've ever been in. I think if I were into "that kind of thing" I'd have noticed that sooner / in my previous relationships.

I don't know if I clarified in my posts, but I'm female, my ex is male and he has the "quiet/ inward" subtype of BPD. So there was no noticeable "acting out" behaviour to pick up on. Also, the "quiet/ inward" BPD subtype in male sufferers makes them be "emotional and extremely affectionate (clingy)".
Given that men are often not very into talking about emotions, I found this a really positive, refreshing trait at first. And the extremely affectionate/ clingy attribute - well, in that first phase of head-over-heels-in-love, I have to admit that I didn't pick up on it. I think it's normal to be hyper-affectionate and all over each other in the falling-in-love phase. That really blurred the signs and it wasn't until later that it became apparent that something wasn't right.

So while I am analysing "what were my reasons for getting into the relationship" and "what did I contribute to the dynamic", I'm not willing to turn it into a kind of "subconsciously I must've been looking for someone with BPD to be abusive to me" thing.

I don't think the sheer, unfathomable magnitude of BPD is something we're able to understand, before we've encountered it and brutally been made to feel the extent of it.

I understand what you mean when you say "we all use each other to some degree" and yeah, I agree with you. In all my previous relationships, I'd say both of us always did this *in the normal and healthy sense/ degree". I don't have any problems with that. But I'd say that the relationship is say 80% about being with the other person and 20% that kind of normal/ healthy acting out of some kind of self-interest, for want of a better word.

With this BPD relationship, I feel like it was 99% being used and 1% about an actual relationship tho. I feel like I've been used like an inanimate object - like a security blanket for someone to cling to to cope with their neediness and insecurities and fears. I feel like this relationship had NOTHING to do with me. I'm just a random person he bumped into that ticked a few of his boxes for "someone who will function as a security blanket".

In retrospect, I wouldn't even CALL it a relationship anymore. I think it was just a period of time, in which I was being used by someone as their security blanket, and I wasn't aware of it.
I think for something to be called "a relationship" there has to be all kinds of stuff going on, and none of that was going on.
It feels pretty bizarre, to realise that he was just going through all the motions. Just acting like an actor and doing "whatever" it took to keep me present as a security blanket.

It's taken me nearly 2 years to realise that what I thought was a 2 year relationship was simply not a relationship in any normal/ healthy sense of the word. It was a mirage. It was fake. It was all thin air. And it just took me a while to realise it.

Like you, I am trying to learn *valuable* lessons from this. I want to come out of this being a better, wiser, stronger, more experienced person.

I too have a tendency to be a "rescuer" and I agree that that played a certain role and I would like to be more aware of this in future and more careful about it. But it's not the *reason* I got into this relationship.

As I said above, the symptoms of the "quiet/ inward" BPD subtype in a male is what "got" me. I found it so refreshing to have a man speak openly and unreservedly about his feelings. And in the heady falling-in-love phase I certainly mistook the clingy-ness for infatuation - my mistake.

I really don't think that what he and I had was a "relationship". I don't think pwBPD are *capable* of a relationship. They simulate a relationship so as to have a security blanket or whatever else they are craving.

And it feels bizarre to have been tricked for 2 years of my life. It's still taking a lot of effort to truly get my head around that and to realise I was just a random inanimate object in someone's script.

[icky]

Yup. I get this completely. And the worst thing is that I have to give back all the false sense of worth his adoration gave me.

Oooh, yeah. I struggled with this massively the first 12 months after the breakup. Massively. Really badly.

I have gained some peace with it as follows:

Although the *actual* adoration was fake, I've decided that for me it's a valuable experience in-and-of-itself to have a) experienced what adoration feels like, b) to have experienced an amazing sense of self-worth because of it.

I'm trying to separate that "as an experience" from the unhealthiness of the underlying dynamic.

Just as we go on holidays and experience amazing stuff, see incredibly beautiful parts of the world, and then we go back home to the relative drudgery of our normal lives, haha, that doesn't mean that the holiday experience isn't real, even if real-life is different.

I dunno how to describe it any better.

Maybe another metaphor/ example is that of watching an amazing movie or reading a fantastic book. Those experiences aren't "real" either, yet that doesn't make them "meaningless".

I'm grateful to have experienced the adoration and the resulting self-worth for 2 years, even if they were based on an unhealthy person's actions, in the end.

In all the crazy unhealthiness of a BPD relationship, we are given 95% bad, painful crap to deal with. But I think there is 5% of actual valuable stuff in it too. And I'm not allowing that to be taken from me too, just because the whole thing was loopy and he was a fruitcake.

[icky]

The feelings of betrayal,being discarded (in my case I left her),the sheer amount of being disrespected,cheated,lied to is unlike anything we will probably ever live through again.Does it make us stronger? ... maybe .I think it’s made me weaker because for me to trust another I love you? Or yeah I love being around you? Will be next to impossible I think in my near to mid future.So you are not alone

Given yourself some more time to heal.

12 or even 6 months ago, I'd have said I can never fall in love again, never open up to someone again, I no longer even felt like I would ever *wish* to do those things again.

As I have finally started feeling alive again, feeling like a normal human being again, to my surprise, I've started opening up to others again, have started genuinely enjoying their company and have met men that I feel attracted to. I'm certainly still very wary and cautious and am in noo hurry to get into a relationship, but I can feel that I've recovered inside to the point where the idea of a HEALTHY relationship feels nice and something I'm open to.

So give yourself some more time for recovery and use that time to heal your heart. Your poor ol' heart has been given a pummelling and needs all the soothing care and recovery it can get, so it can be a normal, happy heart again.

[Cromwell]

 

With this BPD relationship, I feel like it was 99% being used and 1% about an actual relationship tho. I feel like I've been used like an inanimate object - like a security blanket for someone to cling to to cope with their neediness and insecurities and fears. I feel like this relationship had NOTHING to do with me. I'm just a random person he bumped into that ticked a few of his boxes for "someone who will function as a security blanket".

In retrospect, I wouldn't even CALL it a relationship anymore. I think it was just a period of time, in which I was being used by someone as their security blanket, and I wasn't aware of it.
I think for something to be called "a relationship" there has to be all kinds of stuff going on, and none of that was going on.
It feels pretty bizarre, to realise that he was just going through all the motions. Just acting like an actor and doing "whatever" it took to keep me present as a security blanket.

It's taken me nearly 2 years to realise that what I thought was a 2 year relationship was simply not a relationship in any normal/ healthy sense of the word. It was a mirage. It was fake. It was all thin air. And it just took me a while to realise it.

Like you, I am trying to learn *valuable* lessons from this. I want to come out of this being a better, wiser, stronger, more experienced person.

I too have a tendency to be a "rescuer" and I agree that that played a certain role and I would like to be more aware of this in future and more careful about it. But it's not the *reason* I got into this relationship.

And it feels bizarre to have been tricked for 2 years of my life. It's still taking a lot of effort to truly get my head around that and to realise I was just a random inanimate object in someone's script.

If you took on the responsibility of a young child who doesnt know how to survive because they have not developed emotionally yet, would you have the opinion that they "used" you, as the adult, or that they were just doing what came naturally to survive.

When I look at it this way, my ex was the equivalent in emotional development to a child, and a victim of arrested development. There was a relationship, it is just that it was not what I believed it was, it was being a surrogate parent. On the outside is an adult, who was also quite bright (or appeared to be) and picked up the ability to represent herself (by copy-cat other peoples outward behaviours) to seem like a normal minded grown up person.

I understand from what you said that your relationships up to your age now have been healthy, so I can only imagine that this will have been an even extra shock to you than if you had experiences with other 'abusive' selfish people. and as yourself, I didnt want an abusive relationship subconsciously either, if I did, I would still be with her today.

on the other side of the coin, we cant completely assume that they had zero feelings for us. without going into too much detail I did become aware that she suffered quite a bit of internal agony at times because despite huge trust issues and feelings of betrayal, she increasingly became aware that a) I could see through her facade and most importantly b) realised I loved her still anyway.

for a person who feels wounded to the core with shame about themselves and has to entertain the thought that they really are loved, but just cant bring themselves to ever accept it, so instead have the added strife of repressing or denying or painting the person black instead - such is the ultimate fear of loving that person  and being abandoned - therefore reigniting that core original trauma - it really is a sad story for my ex.

Far from being an elaborate con-woman, mines was an extremely confused person lacking her own identity to the point that it even distorts her perception of reality. "acting" is the only thing they "can" do.

Part of why it dragged on for three years was because I picked up on all this and ended up with a huge fear of how it would affect her by detaching. whenever I did, she would make the effort to pull me back in. and then I finally ghosted and No contacted her for life.

maybe she will be thinking (or telling herself) the same thing she did with all her exs "he never really loved me either he just used me - look at how he just disappeared after all that i gave him, i almost even got close to loving him"

and that word "close" is the key word. as soon as they get to that stage, it triggers their abandonment and thats when the sabotage efforts start such as cheating or all the other games we have experienced.

you cant blame yourself for not being able to see in advance what would happen, no one has a crystal ball for any relationship, least of all a BPD one. they would like to be loved, in fact this is the core of where all the issues come from! but it is something they cannot attain, despite trying and it would have been easier to build a pyramid all by myself than it would to have ever convinced her she was truly loved by me and that I would care about her.

Add to that the people that came in her life and didnt love her, just makes their condition even worse than it already is.

feel a bit better that you can at least move on from this, despite the disappointment, anyone who feels they have been taken advantage of by a fraud is going to feel terrible and feel like a fool. i dont believe it is as cut and dry as that. or maybe it is and I just dont want to accept it.

either way, what more can be done but to conclude that the door has been closed and its time to move on and not allow bitterness to affect our futures.

[Cromwell]

Given yourself some more time to heal.

12 or even 6 months ago, I'd have said I can never fall in love again, never open up to someone again, I no longer even felt like I would ever *wish* to do those things again.

As I have finally started feeling alive again, feeling like a normal human being again, to my surprise, I've started opening up to others again, have started genuinely enjoying their company and have met men that I feel attracted to. I'm certainly still very wary and cautious and am in noo hurry to get into a relationship, but I can feel that I've recovered inside to the point where the idea of a HEALTHY relationship feels nice and something I'm open to.

So give yourself some more time for recovery and use that time to heal your heart. Your poor ol' heart has been given a pummelling and needs all the soothing care and recovery it can get, so it can be a normal, happy heart again.

I feel the same just 7 months in. i found someone im really happy with but i am taking things slowly more for the fact I still have healing to do and dont want these recent wounds to impact how I behave with this new person. she understands because I told her also what id been through. I also had to contend with a fear that is still there, that many on these boards have experienced that their ex will try to resume contact again, and at 7 months youd think any normal minded person would never bother, but the thing is, mines did try to return and part of me cant fully detach because I still have to be mentally prepared for that possibility.

[icky]

Thanks for your reply : )
I agree 100% with everything you've said. Truly.

But I *feel* like I was used.

I realise that in his broken-child way, my ex was not *intending* to use me and that in his mind he thinks that he did care about *me*. But the fact of the matter is, I was just a random security blanket with a few personality traits that made me preferable for him to some other random security blanket.

As I said, I totally agree with your analysis. I don't think pwBPD are "just" or "actively" frauds.
BUT - at the end of the day, that's what I'm *left with*. Someone who *did* randomly use me for 2 years, even if it was not "intentional".

So while when I cast my gaze on *him*, I do so compassionately and with an intellectual understanding... .when I cast my gaze on *me* I see someone who was used as a random security blanket.

Yes, I was the surrogate parent to a damaged child. Had I been informed of this situation beforehand, I *may* have even chosen or accepted this role as I genuinely felt compassion for him. But finding out *afterwards* that this was the deal, I do feel very tricked.

Obviously these BPD relationships have 2 completely different scripts running parallel. So yeah, I do make sure that when I cast my gaze on him that I am fair and compassionate in my analysis. But I think it's also fair and compassionate on myself to say I *feel* used, tricked, angry, frustrated.

I hope that clarifies what I meant  - and thank you for thinking through this stuff with me : )

[icky]

I spent 2 years in the relationship, then a 6 months breakup phase and then 18 months of recovering to feel stable again. That's 4 years of my life lost to something that I assumed existed, but turned out not to have existed.

I need to somehow rewrite the script for that part of my life - for those 4 years - so they make sense to me and I can move on. Maybe I need to say "I surrogate parented someone by accident for 4 years." Maybe that's the most accurate and honest description.

I invested a lot of time and effort and care into it. Unfortunately, due to the nature of BPD, I doubt any of my effort was of any use. I assume it was just a drop in an endless ocean, so it's annoying to think that effort was to no avail. Had the surrogate parenting at least "been of any use" I could classify it as some kind of volunteer work or charitable deed, or something. Like picking up a stray dog or cat and feeding it.

Right, I'm going to try that on for size.
"I spent 4 years of my life accidentally surrogate parenting someone."

(Thanks!)  : )

[icky]

Actually, for greater accuracy and truth, that should read:

"I spent 4 years of my life accidentally surrogate parenting someone with BPD."

[steelwork]

I'm grateful to have experienced the adoration and the resulting self-worth for 2 years, even if they were based on an unhealthy person's actions, in the end.

In all the crazy unhealthiness of a BPD relationship, we are given 95% bad, painful crap to deal with. But I think there is 5% of actual valuable stuff in it too. And I'm not allowing that to be taken from me too, just because the whole thing was loopy and he was a fruitcake.

Icky, this response seems right now like the single most helpful thing I can recall reading here. Maybe just because of who I am and my massive deficits in self-worth. Thank you!

[icky]

Icky, this response seems right now like the single most helpful thing I can recall reading here. Maybe just because of who I am and my massive deficits in self-worth. Thank you!

Awwww, that's good.

I just read this comment in the following thread:

the wonderful loving person is as much a part of them as the horrible one.

with RA you need to accept that the wonderful side will not win over the horrible. That the horrible one will always be there. That nothing you can do will keep the horrible one at bay forever and you have to accept that its not a life that you want to live.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

It's soo hard, huh, getting our heads around the fact that there was both darkness AND light and both of it was true and untrue to some extent and to hold on to the good stuff and accept that it was something that couldn't be made to last.

I think of it as a desert bloom. You know how in a desert, every 10 or 20 or 50 years, there'll be a flash rain and suddenly all the dormant seeds in the desert sand sprout and bloom? It's such an amazing spectacle. The desert suddenly overflows with an abundance of life and aliveness. And then, it's gone again. For another 30 years, or whatever. So the bloom is true. But true is also that it *is* a desert.

[icky]

Did you read the "BPD as Muse" thread, steelwork? There were some interesting posts on the "light" amongst the darkness stuff there too.

[kleptoz28]

Can I say one thing that is still bothering me about this relationship?

I feel really used.

You're not alone in that. Coming off a 2yr relationship with my ex gf w/ BPD I feel the same way. Hasn't been a month yet, idk if this feeling is going away any time soon.

[Cromwell]

You're not alone in that. Coming off a 2yr relationship with my ex gf w/ BPD I feel the same way. Hasn't been a month yet, idk if this feeling is going away any time soon.

I dont think it will go away, but as time goes on you will think of this person less. It wouldnt be a good thing to forget about being used, because it is an internal warning reminder about this person should you ever come across them again. thats how I see it.

[Wicker Man]

Well, I feel like my ex tricked me into thinking it's love so he could use me for his emotional needs (insecurities, neediness).

This was not my experience.  I know she loved me as best she could and with every ounce of her being.  When she introduced me to her family, a big deal in her culture, I could see the pride in her eyes. 

I know she meant every word she said when she loved me, as she meant every word she said when she hated me (longest rage was 7 days without a kind word).  She had no control over which face she she shows -However had malicious intent, intent implies control.  She lives in an emotional maelstrom without a compass. 

When she had too much to drink, I also feel, she honestly forgot about us.  Once forgotten she was single and free to do as she wished.  After she sobered she felt crushing guilt, sometime cut herself and, of course, lied about what exactly had been her transgression.

I left her because she broke up with me in one of her rages.  At this point I had been unaware of BPD -I thought she was a high functioning schizophrenic with bi-polar rage issues.  My instinct told me if she can break up with me so easily over nothing -I need to agree with her and end our relationship.  She, naturally, tried to recant saying it was just a threat.  I will tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I miss the idea of us terribly.

Back to my point -I never felt used.  She loved me the best she knew how, sadly it was a love which would have ended in my utter immolation.

Wicker Man