SuperVillian
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6
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« on: April 13, 2018, 11:09:00 AM » |
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I've been a long time lurker, reading your posts and replies, questions and answers. I've read the suggested books, High Conflict Couple and Walking on Eggshells. I've read academic papers about BPD, the online articles, and blog posts. I've been with my semi-recently (about 2 years ago) dBPDw for 17 years, and I can say with all honesty that despite all that, it's still so damn hard. We have two young children together and that, unfortunately compounds the difficulty.
She has been admitted into psychiatric hospital on two occasions (her second stay resulted in her BPD diagnosis) and is also diagnosed with depression. She completed a year long DBT program, and while that armed her with a lot of great tools, it's not a cure all, and it only works when she can recall and exercise what she's learned. As time is passing, she is using the tools DBT taught her less and less. Last Summer, she lost her job of 10 years as a result BPD behavior. To her credit, once her supervisors learned of her condition, they were looking for a reason to let her go. Nevertheless, her job was 55% of our family income and the source of a magnificent insurance plan for us and our kids. As time went on and the job search was fruitless, she had decided to start a business, that's taking some time to get off the ground and eating some of our funds. With our income drastically slashed we've barely been scrapping by and often times having to go to my MIL for financial help (I hate that idea). We recently learned that the IRS is garnishing all of our very substantial tax refund (which we planned on keeping us afloat for the rest of the year) to my wife's unpaid student loan bill, which I was under the impression was in deferment when she lost her job. This has put an incredible amount of stress and disappointment on me.
I've been diagnosed with having Major Depressive Disorder, so I struggle with all the fun that comes with it. Add that to the difficulties of a BPD spouse, and trying my very best to be the father I never had to my kids, I'm close to my wits end. For the past two years I've faced, and continue to face,
unwarranted and baseless cheating accusations (she's had two emotional affairs), claims of not loving her and wanting to run away from her and our family, mood swings, periods of intense anger and resentment toward me, projection of all kinds, and the general BPD behavior we have all experienced. And somehow I've been convinced its all my doing or my fault somehow. In addition, her depression can become very overwhelming on some days that she finds it hard to get out of bed and will call in favors from family to take care of the kids while I'm at work. I taken days off from work when these days take hold in an effort to make sure everyone has what they need.
I'm not perfect or a saint, but I know I give everything I have (which sometimes isn't much, but I give it anyway) to the well-being of my family. I have an incredibly stressful job, a stressful daily 4 hour (round trip) commute to work, at times an incredibly stressful home life, financial stress, and Major Depressive Disorder, but the far reaching BPD trumps it all.
There are periods of time when my depression is so heavy, I'm scared of impulsively doing something irrevocably harmful to myself. While the stress is a constant borage of chaos, the depression is like wearing a heavy lead blanket. When the two meet, I tend to close off a bit, enjoy silence, and just be more introverted. When I bring this version of myself home, it's met with empathy, love, and caring initially. After a day or two of it, dBPDw views it as symptom of being feeling "trapped" with her and the kids, despite my attempts at explaining it isn't that. Ostensibly, I'm only allowed to have true introspective emotions for a limited time before BPD peers out, and I have to "snap out of it" or fake it so the enviable conversation or argument over the cause of my depression. While she allows herself to feel her emotions when her bad days hit, gives herself a pass on responsibility, I'm questioned and accused.
BPD casts a long shadow.
I try really hard not to JADE and let my emotions get the best of me, but I'm a flawed human and can only be accused of falsehoods, be the screen for projection for so long before I break. I implement the strategies outlined in the readings I've done as much as I can, but sometimes after a long day, or the right button is pushed, there's no way I can allow myself to be cast as the villain.
I know I'm kind of rambling, sorry about that, but I felt it was time to speak up a little in a community I've been silent in, that's really helped me and so many others. So, thank you to all contributors of this board.
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