I feel like I screwed it up.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last week we had a big fight where he accused me of making fun of him on Facebook. Someone took a screen shot of a meme he was in that a realtor we work with had made. He liked it and gave permission to post it. She posted it and I shared it. Some woman that has a crush on him, took a screen shot of it and sent it to him saying I was “bashing him”. He showed it to me and was upset I put it up. I reminded him he gave her permission, showed him that she had 2400 followers and it got good feedback and I just shared what she did. Things seemed fine.

Today I was in my shop. I do all his paperwork, invoicing etc. for his business. Payroll came in, so I called him and told him it was ready. I was in meetings all morning and didn’t print it off yet. He comes in all huffy and puffy that I hadn’t printed it off yet. I give it to him, he’s writing out cheques, he gives me an estimate to add some items a client had changed. I’m doing this while telling him about Mondays appointments. I tell him about the first client, I know her and let him know that she had been with a guy and they were both heavily involved with drugs and he killed himself, then she was for the last two years with that guys best friend, heavily into drugs and he just killed himself too. She called on behalf of her parents because she blew through $400,000 last year on drugs, 50 years old, and living with her parents and they need a big renovation. I was trying to let him know the situation of what he was walking into because it could be a job we may want to decline.

Then I started telling him about something I found out about someone I deal with in business that made me not want to trust them. Everything is fine. As he’s getting ready to leave, I put my hand on his face and go to kiss him on the cheek. He starts yelling at me about “bashing those people, why do I need to know that, why are you bashing me, I mean them” I tried to explain business wise you need to know what you’re walking into, but he keep getting louder and meaner, demanding I answer him.

I’m getting extremely upset, I had some really stressful news earlier that I hadn’t told him about. He’s escalating I’m walking to the back of my shop and he’s continuing so that I can’t think. I blurt out “I need you to get out” he stops and says “did you say get out?” And I said yes. He hops in his truck and spins his tires pulling out. I do up an order for a delivery, breath and I go to where I know he will be at a job site and wait for him outside. I apologize but he won’t accept it. I ask if I can tell him what happened to me and he says no. He won’t talk, but he’s not yelling anymore, but he’s still mad.

I realize now that all this happened when I reached out to touch his face and kiss him. I caught the part where he said bashing him instead of the person I was talking about. I tried to call but he won’t answer, even though I needed him to help me finish his estimates. I sent a message I was coming out to his house and he responded “no you’re not”

I sent him this message in return
“I'm not. I'm giving you some space and I love you. You've been having a tough week too. I'd like to support you with it, but you're not letting me in. I kind of lost my ___ today because everything happened at once. I'm going to “restaurant” with  “friend” and her daughter, I wanted to get the quote done, but there is stuff missing.
Today was a really rough day for me before you got here. I'm sorry I blew up like that. I'm going to that  “thing he knew about” in the morning. I'll call you tomorrow to finish up the quote. I love you boo boo.

By telling him to get out, that’s giving him a fear of abandonment? It was a boundary placement, But not handled well. I’m not sure how I should have handled it. Was my follow up text worded properly. I feel like I screwed it up.

[Calmcollected]

Last week we had a big fight where he accused me of making fun of him on Facebook. Someone took a screen shot of a meme he was in that a realtor we work with had made. He liked it and gave permission to post it. She posted it and I shared it. Some woman that has a crush on him, took a screen shot of it and sent it to him saying I was “bashing him”. He showed it to me and was upset I put it up. I reminded him he gave her permission, showed him that she had 2400 followers and it got good feedback and I just shared what she did. Things seemed fine.

Today I was in my shop. I do all his paperwork, invoicing etc. for his business. Payroll came in, so I called him and told him it was ready. I was in meetings all morning and didn’t print it off yet. He comes in all huffy and puffy that I hadn’t printed it off yet. I give it to him, he’s writing out cheques, he gives me an estimate to add some items a client had changed. I’m doing this while telling him about Mondays appointments. I tell him about the first client, I know her and let him know that she had been with a guy and they were both heavily involved with drugs and he killed himself, then she was for the last two years with that guys best friend, heavily into drugs and he just killed himself too. She called on behalf of her parents because she blew through $400,000 last year on drugs, 50 years old, and living with her parents and they need a big renovation. I was trying to let him know the situation of what he was walking into because it could be a job we may want to decline.

Then I started telling him about something I found out about someone I deal with in business that made me not want to trust them. Everything is fine. As he’s getting ready to leave, I put my hand on his face and go to kiss him on the cheek. He starts yelling at me about “bashing those people, why do I need to know that, why are you bashing me, I mean them” I tried to explain business wise you need to know what you’re walking into, but he keep getting louder and meaner, demanding I answer him.

I’m getting extremely upset, I had some really stressful news earlier that I hadn’t told him about. He’s escalating I’m walking to the back of my shop and he’s continuing so that I can’t think. I blurt out “I need you to get out” he stops and says “did you say get out?” And I said yes. He hops in his truck and spins his tires pulling out. I do up an order for a delivery, breath and I go to where I know he will be at a job site and wait for him outside. I apologize but he won’t accept it. I ask if I can tell him what happened to me and he says no. He won’t talk, but he’s not yelling anymore, but he’s still mad.

I realize now that all this happened when I reached out to touch his face and kiss him. I caught the part where he said bashing him instead of the person I was talking about. I tried to call but he won’t answer, even though I needed him to help me finish his estimates. I sent a message I was coming out to his house and he responded “no you’re not”

I sent him this message in return
“I'm not. I'm giving you some space and I love you. You've been having a tough week too. I'd like to support you with it, but you're not letting me in. I kind of lost my ___ today because everything happened at once. I'm going to “restaurant” with  “friend” and her daughter, I wanted to get the quote done, but there is stuff missing.
Today was a really rough day for me before you got here. I'm sorry I blew up like that. I'm going to that  “thing he knew about” in the morning. I'll call you tomorrow to finish up the quote. I love you boo boo.

By telling him to get out, that’s giving him a fear of abandonment? It was a boundary placement, But not handled well. I’m not sure how I should have handled it. Was my follow up text worded properly. I feel like I screwed it up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry that things didn't go as planned. When we lose it on our pwBPD they really take those things to heart. Sounds like he just needs a little space.

What do you think about the FB ad was embarrassing to him? If you get the chance to talk about it, try to ask him questions to get to the specifics of what bothered him.

My H has a VERY hard time when I share negative things about other people with him. Usually by the end he paints me black and thinks of me as a bad person for telling him things.

I see a lot of JADEing going on, trying to explain why you said/did something, defending yourself, etc. That can really cause a pwBPD to begin to escalate. I know sometimes we get to a point of getting so frustrated our emotions take over that we loose the script and start to JADE, but if you catch yourself doing this as soon as possible get back to Don't JADE .

Apologizing for yelling is a good first step. Just remember when you do apologize, he probably won't respond well if you try to explain why you yelled. He will probably respond better if you address how he feels and how you yelling affected him instead.

[Calmcollected]

This will be long and crazy. The Facebook picture was a meme making fun of bad plumbers. He looked like the hero in it. He gets really angry if I post anything on my personal page of him, anything that has to do with our life together. He will tell people we are not together, but his kids, friends and employees all know we are.
The person who sent it to him told him I was making fun of him. His biggest thing is being laughed at, or looked down on.  She is a former client (& her husband) we did a lot of work for. 350 pounds, a hoarder, some of her own issues but she adores him and I believe wants to be his girlfriend. She has gone on my page, taken screen shots and altered the wording to make him think I’m bad mouthing him. I’ve since made it private. He is very good looking and women chase him. He does not put them in their place and does message them back. I know he likes the attention and it feeds something inside of him. I’ve spoken to some of them. They say he talks to them, makes them think he wants to get together, but never does. If they ask who I am, he stops contact.
It gets crazier with her. He would often have me work with him when he was at their home alone because of the possibility of allegations. She would look at me with hate. We did over $80,000 of work for them. I have since found out they didn’t really have the money, but she kept hiring us so she could see him. In January we had a really stressful incident happen where his 16 year old son assaulted me, 2 days later he’s on POF and went out for coffee with a woman. In the past when something big like that would happen, some major fight, he went into immediate abandonment mode and assumed without talking to me I was leaving him. After 2 weeks of him just texting me, I put myself on POF to shock him awake. Geared the profile to describe him. A couple of days later I get a message from the woman’s husband asking me for coffee, he wanted to get to know me. Told me the first time I walked into his house he had wished he was single. I’m shocked and ask if he’s not with his wife anymore, he says no, they’re separated. I tell him thank you, but I’m in love with my BPD and cannot move on. Immediately I get a message from my BPD that I’m cheating on him with the client. Apparently his “wife” had a spy app on his phone and she was taking screen shots and sending them to my BPD!
He accused me of bashing him because she was telling him I was. I did not. I called the client and told him how to wipe his phone to get rid of the app.
I ignored BPD’s messages. A couple of days later I receive another one that he has seen proof with his own eyes that I am sleeping with the client. She is sending him messages that she has created supposing to be from me. Pardon the language but he said “I’m just wondering if you let him play with your “chest”.
I didn’t respond until the next night and I’d had a few. I don’t drink, so 2 coolers did it. I responded that it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Told him my “chest” were his and no other man was allowed. I went up one side of him and down the other about how dumb he was being.
I’m not conceited, I’m come from a Mennonite farmer who raised me with 2 feet firmly planted on the ground, but men chase me all the time. Im asked out constantly and they run to open doors for me. For a woman over 45, I know I must be attractive. I told him I could do a hell of a lot better than that guy. No front teeth and 300 pounds.
A week later I messaged him I was deleting my POF account because I loved him and it was ridiculous to be on there. A couple of days later he deleted his. I didn’t ask him to. To me it was a huge step. He still had an active account, but it was hidden. He hadn’t accessed it for over a year and a half since our last blow out. It’s been great ever since, like perfect, until a couple of days ago when that woman sent him those screen shots.
I cannot stress how much he gets hurt over any perceived critism. Once I showed him the comments on my friends page saying how great the meme was, he changed his mind.
He has a friend that is also a contractor and better at finishing work. If he comes to help us and teaches us a new technique, he takes it as critism and his friend thinking he is stupid. He won’t say anything to his friend of 35 years, but will vent to me about it. That’s just one example of what I deal with daily.
I know the act of me touching his face is what set everything off. He asked today how I can talk like Everything is okay and talk about  work to be done on a home we want to get. I told him I know yesterday was awful, but it was one day out of many wonderful ones. Just because we had one bad day does not mean we can’t have more wonderful ones to make up for it.
He’s not quite there, but a lot better today.