May be closer to a diagnosis

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So the wife has been going to a therapist for a few months who tells her the same stuff I've been saying for years. She really can't diagnose or prescribe medicine so she had been recommending someone who can. Finally my wife went to see her. First order of business was taking her off Celexa and putting her on Prozac. Then she told her to get 3books the most important being "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Loving Yourself". She told her to start being more attentive to me, to do things with no expectations,to perform unexpected sexual favors ( she thinks she's too good for that)... the one thing I'm Leary about is that the original therapist wants me to come in for a session or two. I'm Leary because I figure either it will turn into target practice on me or  and actually more likely she will feel like she's being ganged up on if and  when the therapist agrees with me. I know some of you have been through this. What advice can you offer ?

[montenell]

So the wife has been going to a therapist for a few months who tells her the same stuff I've been saying for years. She really can't diagnose or prescribe medicine so she had been recommending someone who can. Finally my wife went to see her. First order of business was taking her off Celexa and putting her on Prozac. Then she told her to get 3books the most important being "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Loving Yourself". She told her to start being more attentive to me, to do things with no expectations,to perform unexpected sexual favors ( she thinks she's too good for that)... the one thing I'm Leary about is that the original therapist wants me to come in for a session or two. I'm Leary because I figure either it will turn into target practice on me or  and actually more likely she will feel like she's being ganged up on if and  when the therapist agrees with me. I know some of you have been through this. What advice can you offer ?

[AskingWhy]

"Codependent No More" is a great book!  I has been out there for years and is very helpful.

Be very careful in going to your wife's therapist.  Many therapists can be manipulated by pw personality disorders.  Therapists can be caught off guard.

As you know, pwBPD don't usually do well in therapy. 

In my case, I went to private counseling in order to understand the behaviour of uBPD H.  She was very sympathetic.  I was in tears talking to her.  Then H saw her privately.  Then her attitude totally changed toward me.  I was the person in the wrong. She actually shouted at me during a joint meeting where I was weeping, shouting, "You had better snap out of it or you will lose this man who loves you so much."  You should have seen the smug look on H's face as we went drove home.

With another counselor, H left in the middle of the session after giving me an ultimatum.  H just got up and left, leaving the therapist to give me a look of disbelief.  I spent the last few minutes talking to the therapist about H and he totally understood. 

[formflier]

  What advice can you offer ?

I would go.

Mindset:  Slow things down, ask questions, make sure you have the issue question right and assure them you will think it through before responding (to help avoid the gang up thing).

I would go in with a big question or two.  " Based on what has been developed in T and at the doctor (whatever the term is), what relationship skills can I learn or apply in order to move our marriage to a better place."

FF

[formflier]

I would be careful about emphasizing "the diagnosis" or "a diagnosis".  IMO, the process is more important.

The understanding that comes out of that process  is even more important.

For instance, while my wife doesn't have an official diagnosis of BPD (her only official diagnosis is "adjustment disorder", from the "process" I have learned she is much more likely PPD than BPD.

Paranoia is central and any time she is "wrong" or perceives "wrongness"... .that is like cutting her to the core.

Armed with that information, I've been able to adjust the role I play in our relationship.

1.  I don't debate or invalidate her crazy theories... really don't react to them.  Paranoid stuff has pretty much gone away.

2.  I stay away from black and white thinking/debates so there is no right or wrong.  "Perhaps there is a better way here... ." or "perhaps there is a different way" (with no judgment of ranking or better worse).

FF