3rd, possibly 5th, affair - wanted to keep me as a backup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My now ex-BPD partner (w strong NPD traits) suggested we take a break from our 10 year long relationship so she could “work on herself.” It was clear she was engaging I her 3rd, possibly 5th, affair and wanted to be  free to pursue it while keeping me as a backup . Last time I caught her cheating I ended the relationship which resulted in a massive bout of histrionics followed by threats of suicide and a hospitalization.  That was 2 ½ years ago and succeeded in drawing me back in.  I said to her no breaks, break up, and this time I left for good going limited contact… only info regarding house sale is exchanged.
 For 4 months I was doing extremely well, with the help of friends, family, therapy and medication. I still have all that help but lately have been feeling more depressed, lonely and lost than initially. I don’t understand why. I know I’m better off, just still get confused and question myself as to how responsible I am for it all.
I am really here to read other accounts to reinforce the fact that I am doing the right thing . I find that helps a lot

[Ivan65]

My now ex-BPD partner (w strong NPD traits) suggested we take a break from our 10 year long relationship so she could “work on herself.” It was clear she was engaging I her 3rd, possibly 5th, affair and wanted to be  free to pursue it while keeping me as a backup . Last time I caught her cheating I ended the relationship which resulted in a massive bout of histrionics followed by threats of suicide and a hospitalization.  That was 2 ½ years ago and succeeded in drawing me back in.  I said to her no breaks, break up, and this time I left for good going limited contact… only info regarding house sale is exchanged.
 For 4 months I was doing extremely well, with the help of friends, family, therapy and medication. I still have all that help but lately have been feeling more depressed, lonely and lost than initially. I don’t understand why. I know I’m better off, just still get confused and question myself as to how responsible I am for it all.
I am really here to read other accounts to reinforce the fact that I am doing the right thing . I find that helps a lot

[Wicker Man]

I don’t understand why. I know I’m better off, just still get confused and question myself as to how responsible I am for it all.
I am really here to read other accounts to reinforce the fact that I am doing the right thing . I find that helps a lot

My experience was only one year long, but I am afraid I understand what you are feeling.  What you wrote is all too hauntingly familiar. 

We have been no contact for 4 months now.  What began as a fairytale love evolved into a nightmare -our story arc was similar to yours, just shorter.

I am happy to hear you have a strong support system -it has helped me as well.  --In case you have not yet seen it, there is an excellent article which Ihave been reading over and over:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It was incredibly shocking upon first reading.  It seemed the author had been taking notes and was describing my situation precisely. 


Wicker Man

[Ivan65]

Thanks.
That is good. I've gone through a dozen books already, cant stop reading.  It is like being trapped in an alternate reality for so long that  I don't know which is the real world, hers or the one I'm in now. I have to keep being convinced this is reality , as soon as I stop reading I start to doubt.

[Starfire]

2 months of limited contact + 2 months of no contact.  That's my situation right now.  It was a 2-year relationship.  Some days I feel healthy, strong, and free.  Other days I feel desperate, lonely, and want him back so bad.  What I can easily recognize now, and more and more each day, is that the more time that passes, the more good days there are.  Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad.  I'm looking forward to that tipping point.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ivan65, Six months is still a relatively short period of time after a 10-year r/s, so give yourself a break.  It's normal to struggle with feelings of loss.  I suggest a two-step process: (1) acknowledge what you are feeling; and (2) find a way to process those feelings.  How to process?  That's up to you, but here are some suggestions: write in a journal, discuss it with a close friend or family member, meet with a T, practice mindfulness, get a good workout, do something creative, take a walk in the woods or on the beach, etc.  You get the idea.

You might think of yourself as a lighting rod for your feelings, which pass through you and discharge harmlessly into the ground.

Hang in there,
LuckyJim

[spero]

Hi there Ivan65,   and I  join Lucky Jim in welcoming you to the boards.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. 10 years is a long time... to be in such a relationship. It must have been tough, heart-breaking and even "justified anger" to have discovered that she cheated on you many times and you're just being a "backup" in her perspective.

My now ex-BPD partner (w strong NPD traits) suggested we take a break from our 10 year long relationship so she could “work on herself.” It was clear she was engaging I her 3rd, possibly 5th, affair and wanted to be  free to pursue it while keeping me as a backup . Last time I caught her cheating I ended the relationship which resulted in a massive bout of histrionics followed by threats of suicide and a hospitalization.  That was 2 ½ years ago and succeeded in drawing me back in.  I said to her no breaks, break up, and this time I left for good going limited contact… only info regarding house sale is exchanged.

 For 4 months I was doing extremely well, with the help of friends, family, therapy and medication. I still have all that help but lately have been feeling more depressed, lonely and lost than initially. I don’t understand why. I know I’m better off, just still get confused and question myself as to how responsible I am for it all.
I am really here to read other accounts to reinforce the fact that I am doing the right thing . I find that helps a lot

I echo Lucky Jim's comment on post-relationship processing, six months is relatively short. It is really normal to feel this way. Psychologically, you're having to deal with 10 years of time spent with this person. Suddenly, you find yourself no longer having that routine. I've likened my own process of loss with my own uBPDexGF, as if i was mourning the "death" of a person. It is deep for me.

Ivan65, i do believe that as you spend time here, the many stories and posts from community members will, be for you enlightening in bringing light to the answers you're searching for. But i would also encourage you to take it slow. Some stories may potentially be "triggering" for you if your feelings right now are still rather raw. Like other community members, if you've been trying to figure something out, do feel free to post on the boards.

Takecare Ivan65, we're here to listen and offer support as a community.

Yours,
Spero.