Is this BPD of an unusual kind... or... please help

[c0mat0se]

Hi there

I'm at that point where I have trawled what seems like half the internet desperately in search of an explanation for my life partner's (wife for all intents and purposes) endless cycling of love and abandonment and replacement only to be drawn back into love with me.

I am currently in the sixth cycle (as far as I can tell) of this pattern which appears to repeat like clockwork at 18-21 months. And is as predictive in the way it starts: by being told that she's unhappy in this relationship and has been for years. She's sorry but she 'did try again' thinking maybe this time it was real love but yet again it isn't and she regrets allowing herself to co-erced into yet another attempt at a relationship which clearly did not deserve another chance.

We raise our child together so I am rarely asked outright to leave the home, as I do almost all the chores in the home (she has not done so much as even make me a cup of coffee in the last three cycles... .but at one point making me coffee was religious) but am demoted from the master bedroom to some other room in the house... .until we can arrange an 'amicable' split because I am clearly distraught and she will look after me until I am strong enough to leave. How sad it is I am not a man... .because orherwise she would surely love the strong version of me. Perhaps she will find love again for me if I am able to be this strong man... .instead of the weak one before her.

This progresses immediately into an infatuation with pretty much the next man to cross her path. I become less important than the wallpaper. Immediately. And any attempt to attract her attention is seen as neediness... .for which I am further labelled as weak and unworthy and a drain on her energy and time.

This phase is marked by obsessive reading of horoscopes and star sign matches between herself and the new interest. Invariably this ends almost immediately as she spots a flaw that causes her to reject this person or is rejected because the more intuitive guy picks up the manic behaviour beneath the surface and runs like hell.

For a brief moment... .I am once again recognised as a real person albeit if only to blame me somehow for new guy's departure, only to say that we remain best friends... .she sees us growing old together because we are so connected... .however she feels now is the time to explore her sexuality before it is too late... .I will have to accept this as a part of who she is. And there's nothing wrong with this behaviour. Other men just piss her off anyway and I'm the one she has any real connection with... .I must forgive her needs as they will shortly be ending when she's done with the next guy.

Of course every time we debate the unfairness... .the risk to myself and our daughter emotionally... .the double standards she lives to... .you name it. Until i give an ultimatum that threatens 'immenent departure' by myself under these continuing conditions.

She immediately becomes secretive... .the phone gets a pin code to unlock. And I am somehow always caught when desperately trying to spy or read her messages on the phone. Which triggers a massive outburst about her right to privacy and how disgusting I am to invade it. I must name my punishment for when and if I get caught again. Usually restricted access to my daughter or a physical threat:  I will punch you.

But, at the same time, I must actively participate in the morning tantrum around dressing... .where she can't find what she wants or it is what she wants but it smells funny and how come smelly stuff always ends up in her cupboard. Why am I not more careful? It takes three days usually for every item if clothing to migrate from cupboard to floor... .after which I am accused of not doing enough to keep the place clean. What do I do all day?

My daughter and I have come to cope with this by laughing quietly about mommy's predictive antics every morning. Especially how mommy cannot fail to leave the house 5 minutes late... .no matter when we wake her. We have tested this by moving the alarm time setting both earlier and later... .it appears 5 minutes late is some kind of mandatory requirement she subconsciously fulfils  in order to be disappointed we made her late.

We simply try not to laugh during each performance. Putting out clothes the night before is not possible because she claims be she never knows what she will feel like wearing in the morning. Similarly if we tell her the wrong time to compensate for the 5 min late requirement... .we depart on time. We must also leap to the nearest phone whenever she needs the time.

The secretive phase ultimately ends with her sudden disappearance. An sms saying sorry she's net someone and will only be home tomorrow. Or somehow there's a breakup and I discover a sexual relationship already underway with someone.

Usually a concentrated campaign of driving me crazy and winding me up culminates in an explosive outburst from myself. By the time I lose my temper it is beyond control and becomes a rampage... .which always ends up used against me in 'being the real monster' and used as a distraction from or justification for her behaviour.

Everyone at this point readily agrees and I am the damn monster. And this is leveraged into months of control.

Immediately she has an outburst of remorse and sadness and guilt and embarrassment where the poor soul I love so much reappears and we have to rebuild. Honeymoon. Us vs the world. Love! Sex! Intimacy (sort of)!

This childlike persona is the vulnerable self beneath all of it and I cannot find anything in myself but forgivenes and love.

But it cannot  withstand the cycle for long.  And repeat.

Until I started reading up on BPD I never really had a clue what this might be besides the bipolar i believe she was misdiagnosed with.  There's just too much tact and logical precision during the covert stage. I don't think it's possible to be that calculated during a bipolar episode.

She also somehow manages to project everyone's attention on me as the one with these issues and they all just make that unified judgement that I am the monster. To the point where i backtrace my steps each time to try and find the monster I don't know I have inside.

This particular cycle is at the stage where I honestly don't know whether I'm the monster or not. Whether, in fact, I might be the BPD just wildly projecting myself onto everyone.

Simply cannot tell the rational from the mad in this state.

Does this sound like BPD? Or what else maybe. How can I be right back at the same intersection and just as confused for the sixth time in thirteen years?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[c0mat0se]

I should probably add as an afterthought that she appears completely sane and put together the moment she steps out the door. She us a diet and wellness coach with 200-300 clients... .so tremendously popular and the all share her opinion if me. Very hard to argue against that. Myself and my daughter appear to be the only witnesses.

[pearlsw]

Hi cOmatOse,

Sorry that others have not joined us here yet, things can sometimes get off to a slow start, but as people read and get to know you they often offer a lot of insight and wisdom. I tend to hesitate replying on guy's stories sometimes because they are so different from my own. BPD/BPD traits can sound so different by gender I've noticed. Nevertheless, I want to offer some support and let you know that your story does echo with many I've heard here.

I think this is common, and especially painful, that often we are the only ones who witness what our partners are really doing.

Let me ask, how do you two handle this notion of her seeing other men while being with you? Is your child aware of this happening?  What do you want in this regards?

with compassion, pearl.

[Catlady3.14]

 I'm sorry you're struggling and going through such a rough time.
I'm new here as well. there are a lot of good folks who can give guidance and advice to talk you through your issues.
It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and I don't think it's a weak man that could deal with what you've posted. I believe it  takes a strong person to admit their own faults and ask for help, which is what we are ALL doing here.
These behaviours must be heartbreaking for you and your daughter.

I can say that my husband was seen as only the best.
People didn't see the side I seen sometimes and I would defend him to anyone that seemed to see it.

[Ivan65]

Hi Comatose,
 I could have written this myself, cycles every 18 mos or so, exactly the same words, exactly the same pattern.  It usually coincides with her connecting with someone else, who typically recognizes how ill she is and runs for the hills. She returns a wreck, sometimes suicidal, and I pick up the pieces. At least have in the past. Gone 6 mos now and have no intention of accepting her if she should return again. I too have been through 5-6 cycles and can take no more. I also have been painted as the monster, but fortunately after the last cycle I made an effort to establish my own friends and activities seperate from my relationship... .this has helped immensely. If you plan on continuing this relationship I would suggest doing likewise, you cant go this alone. It also allows you to go No Contact with her and her entire entourage and start fresh if you choose.You are not alone. Strength to you