Self Harming - What would you do?

[JustMe123]

My husband is a cutter.

Sometimes it is better than others.   I had a rule setting discussion with him a while ago because he cuts downstairs and comes up the stairs and gets in bed.  The time in particular he had cut his leg and there was blood running quickly down his leg.  I patched him up because I cornered him before he got into bed.  (The amount of shame and guilt was palpable)    After I patched him up, I went downstairs because I was sure there would have been a trail of blood all across the house and we have off white carpets.  I didn't want the boys coming across a trail of blood.  Amazingly, there was very little evidence of the blood.   I did find out the next day that the downstairs bathroom had a crime scene element to it because that is where he tried to clean himself up before coming upstairs.    Unfortunately, he also drinks at night so that plays a part in his cutting.

On the surface, it hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past.  I don't see the typical cut marks on him so am not exactly sure where on his body he is cutting.  I do know he is cutting though because he refuses to mend himself up before getting into bed and ends up with blood on the sheets.   The shame of it means that the sheets are in the wash on a very regular basis and he tries to hide the fact from me.  Hello, the ahhh smelling sheets is a give away LOL   

So do I say something to him about it, knowing how shameful he feels, or do I just let it go?  I can't patrol him all the time.  I hate being the jail warden and breathing down his neck.  It is "just" cutting and not a suicide attempt.  Bringing it up makes things worse for a while (the self loathing and suicidal ideation) and considering that it isn't life threatening, I am just tempted to note it to myself but not broach the subject.

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[pearlsw]

Hi JustMe123,

Many years ago I dated a really amazing guy. He did some self-harming, but I remember at the time I could find no information on it. He used to punch himself severely in the head. I saw it happen a few times, and it was quite shocking. He asked me to say something the first time and I admit I was nearly stunned into silence.

Do you have a supportive way of talking with him regarding his emotions? Do you know what might be bothering him?  From what I’ve read it’s really important not to make them feel bad for the effect they are having on others or give them ultimatums. Has he ever sought help for this, or expressed any interest in minimizing/curtailing the behavior?

My former boyfriend had strong perfectionistic tendencies so most of what angered him was himself, his disappointments in himself. He was a busy guy, doing a lot of great things, but he never seemed to fully enjoy it. Any mistake he might make would turn into a lot of self-rage. I was lucky, he did not direct rage towards me.

Looking back I don’t think we talked about as much as we could/should have. We were both articulate so I don’t know why we didn’t. I think he just had a standard line about it, and usually tried to hide it. And I am sure he had a lot of shame about it.

with compassion, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

When I first started seeing my BPDgf she would bruise herself by digging into her muscles with her fingertips and knuckles. During one manic episode she left nothing below her face unbruised. She undressed to get in the shower and she was purple. I couldn't help my reaction I collapsed sobbing.

I refused to help her keep this behavior secret. I told her dr her therapist and her best friend. Luckily she stopped. I wish I could tell you what made her stop but who knows? I definitely don't think you should pretend it isn't happening. I'd urge him to get professional help if he isn't already.

[JustMe123]

My former boyfriend had strong perfectionistic tendencies so most of what angered him was himself, his disappointments in himself. He was a busy guy, doing a lot of great things, but he never seemed to fully enjoy it. Any mistake he might make would turn into a lot of self-rage. I was lucky, he did not direct rage towards me.

He sounds like my husband Pearlsw.  While BPD is hard, it could be harder for us.  My husband is a self loather too.  He doesn't take out his suffering on us thankfully.  I honestly don't think I would have been able to stay in the situation if he did.

I definitely don't think you should pretend it isn't happening. I'd urge him to get professional help if he isn't already.

I am not really pretending that it isn't happening.  He knows I know just about every time he cuts.   His therapist does know but I am not quite sure if she is fully aware about it all.  I have asked him if she knows and he says yes.  So, unless I am going to start emailing her every time (I can't discuss the issue with her because he won't sign the papers to let me do that), I have to just be here and make sure he is as safe as possible.  Hopefully the new meds and DBT therapy will help him get the self harm under control.

[pearlsw]

 So do I say something to him about it, knowing how shameful he feels, or do I just let it go?  I can't patrol him all the time.  I hate being the jail warden and breathing down his neck.  It is "just" cutting and not a suicide attempt.  Bringing it up makes things worse for a while (the self loathing and suicidal ideation) and considering that it isn't life threatening, I am just tempted to note it to myself but not broach the subject.

So, my understanding is that people self-harm to relieve their emotional pain. Short of getting advice from a professional, a therapist, on how to proceed, I would make some effort to improve the way I was speaking with him - to be sure I was listening and validating, but not validating the invalid.

On the other hand, as you are seeing, there are limits to what you can and should do. I had to learn this the hard way when my SO started making suicide threats.

Two doctors basically told me, "if he’s gonna do it, he’s gonna do it". Ouch. That seemed a bit insensitive to me, but it is a fair point. I have no control over his behavior or thoughts. I can support, but I can’t manage his thoughts or behavior, or be the police. He has to take on the emotional work of his life, whether he has the skills for it or not. That is so hard, if you have any tendency towards “rescuing” or “saving” others, like many here do.

I think another tough point on this is... .you don't want to have talks that increase another person's emotional pain, however you don't want to never talk about it - it'd be like ignoring the elephant in the room.

warmly, pearl.

[JustMe123]

So, my understanding is that people self-harm to relieve their emotional pain. Short of getting advice from a professional, a therapist, on how to proceed, I would make some effort to improve the way I was speaking with him - to be sure I was listening and validating, but not validating the invalid.

This definitely something that I need work on.  The conversations we have always end up with me feeling that he took what I said not the way I intended.    I think I am being helpful, but it is apparent that it is not what he is looking for.  I will be delving into the articles there and the videos to learn how to ease the communication ickiness.

He has to take on the emotional work of his life, whether he has the skills for it or not. That is so hard, if you have any tendency towards “rescuing” or “saving” others, like many here do.

It's sad, and probably not the best course I could be taking, but I am trying to control the outcome to minimize the damage for all involved.   Suicide is not the answer and I will do everything I can do to prevent it.  Unfortunately that doesn't lend itself to a happy calm home.  I need to do the research and learn lots more.  I've made it this far okay, but things haven't really moved much and it is sort of an unpleasant status quo. 

Regarding the cutting, when I first discovered it I was pushing the topic and getting upset about it, he did tell me it is his release from the immense mental anguish he has.  He also said he wasn't suicidal.  I am sort of damned if I do, damned if I don't (as I am sure most of us are with our pwBPD).  If I get upset, it ramps up his anxiety and discord.  If I don't react, he jumps to the conclusion that I just am resigned to his path of destruction.  

[Highlander]

Hi Justme123,

I feel for you and have been there myself with my H.  I can't say my 'BPDh' anymore as he recovered a few years back and no longer cuts thanks to diagnosis, my H's acceptance of the diagnosis and hard work through therapy (including DBT).  But the pain and turmoil that spanned over 8 years I experienced before that from his SH still haunts me to this day.  I agree with Pearlsw:

Do you know what might be bothering him? 

I know this may not always be the case but luckily for me and my H, I saw a trend in what was leading him to cut and SH that my H could not see.  There was a direct link between contact with his mother and his cutting.  He would speak on the phone to her, get drunk then cut and crawl into bed leading me to process the sheets the following day.  It was always worse when he spoke to her at night time if he had already been drinking and she is a regular drinker too.

We talked about this and he recognised the trend and agreed he would only answer the phone to her in the day. 

I always tried to be there for him to debrief to me whenever he got off the phone from her.  This helped because she has uBPD & NPD and her love for her son is 'conditional' - therefore she would put emotional trips on her son. 

I positioned myself so I was there for him to pour out his emotions over whatever she had just said that hurt him.  I would sit by him and tell him he is allowed to feel sad, angry and to cry.  His T suggested a punching bag and at times I would just be there to remind him to wear gloves after he had hung up from his mother.

He had been SHing since age 10 and was brought up in an invalidating environment whereby he was not allowed to be sad, angry or stand up for himself and found his own way to release his emotions through SH. 

The journey was not easy and it took many, many years and he is now embarrassed over his scars when around children.  We have none of our own living with us but it saddened me last Christmas when I saw him slipping in to have quite dips on his own and making up excuses not to play with the children in the pool.  This year he surprised me, he accidentally cut himself shaving and told me he felt queezy about it and that he can't believe he ever used to be a cutter!

Early on, there were set backs where my frustrations would extend to my conversations and they would affect him, but I learnt some valuable skills to validate his emotions through BPD books and websites such as this one.

This definitely something that I need work on.  The conversations we have always end up with me feeling that he took what I said not the way I intended.    I think I am being helpful, but it is apparent that it is not what he is looking for.  I will be delving into the articles there and the videos to learn how to ease the communication ickiness.

I see that you are aware of these skills.  The skills I learnt not only helped me to help H but also I found the skills to help me to deal with difficult people in my life.  Here on bpdfamily you are in the right place to learn these skills and communicate with like minded people. 

I understand that not everyone is blessed with partners that cut and will then talk about it with their spouses.  For a number of years I felt I could not address his SH without him leading to frustration towards me and it helped during hospital visits when nurses and doctors came down hard on him over it, something I just couldn't do because I was too close to him because of his BPD abandonment issues.

My H also benefited when I bought lots of red textas and left them around the house for him to emulate cutting.  I didn't think it would work but it did much of the time.  However, I still had to process the pink smudges on the sheets the next day, even the most permanent of textas still some off in bed.

Always having ice in the freezer on hand for my H to squeeze in his hand helped too.

Wishing you all the best Justme123

[JustMe123]

  Unfortunately everything triggers him at this point.  His PTSD is out of control and he has super startle reflexes.  Me coming around the corner with him not seeing me can trigger him.  At very least it will as to his stress load and then makes other things more likely to trigger him.  I keep threatening that I am going to start wearing a bell around the house so he has tons of previous notification that I'm around the corner. 

Lately, just about every tv show triggers him.   Anything that reminds him of his childhood is BAD news.  It seems that the best way to kill someone on TV is with a bag over the head... .part of the lethal cocktail his dad used to commit suicide.  One show was talking about a father fishing with his kid and that was a trigger.  Another trigger was a scene where someone was talking about being homeless.  He did a stint of homelessness after his father killed himself.  It pretty much suck.  EVERYTHING, at this time, appears to be fair game for cutting.   Those are the ones that pop up with an Oh fu@&! realization.   

Recently, his therapist and psychiatrist stuck to their boundary regarding is attendance with BPD group.  I could sense the cutting coming with that.  Was just a matter of time. 

I'd love to be able to talk him through this stuff, but his thinking is that his brick wall for communication is protecting me some how.    It's not as I see and sense way more than he gives me credit for.  Pushing him to open up usually backfires and makes things worse instead of better.

He had been SHing since age 10 and was brought up in an invalidating environment whereby he was not allowed to be sad, angry or stand up for himself and found his own way to release his emotions through SH. 

This sounds like my husband's upbringing to a tee.   They were not allowed to express their feelings at all in the face of some pretty substantial bad stuff.  I am fairly sure his mom, who he doesn't communicate with, is uBPD or at least was based on what he has told me.

The journey was not easy and it took many, many years and he is now embarrassed over his scars when around children.  We have none of our own living with us but it saddened me last Christmas when I saw him slipping in to have quite dips on his own and making up excuses not to play with the children in the pool.  This year he surprised me, he accidentally cut himself shaving and told me he felt queezy about it and that he can't believe he ever used to be a cutter!

That gives me a bit of hope.   I just wish he could get beyond the suicidal ideation he has been holding onto so tightly.  I refuse to have my kids experience what he did.    I am doing all I can to keep him alive. And he is not happy about it.  At all.  It is causing our relationship to suffer tremendously.  We are more like roommates than a married couple.     I am hoping that as he gets better, the relationship that we used to have can be rebuilt.

I am a little ashamed to say that I am feeling a bit petty about all of this.  I have to tiptoe around his emotions but what about how I feel? What I am feeling does matter.    In the current situation, by emotions don't matter at all and I have to keep tiptoeing around to not make it worse.  It sucks.  Some days I am better than others and am more willing and able to offer the compassion that he needs.  Other days, I am just biting my tongue and walking away in order to not make the situation SO much worse.  LOL I hate not having control over how my life is playing out.