My 6-year roller-coaster story

[notweakwilled]

Wow. I'm glad I discovered this site. I didn't realize there were so many other people in this world dealing with very similar issues.

My story is pretty intense... .And yet, I'm somehow still sitting here madly in love with my ex-BPD partner and unable to move on. We've been on/off for over 6 years now. I'm currently 32 and she's 29.

Before I tell my story (long-winded and I apologize), I just want to make it clear that I am nowhere near perfect myself and throughout this relationship, I made some very bad decisions. Due to my nature of being anxious, whenever she would "run away" I'd make some very stupid decisions. However, that all being said - I never left her. In the past 6 years, I've always wanted to "work things out" and I've always been the first one to apologize even when I know she is in the wrong. I have exhausted myself and have literally always just wanted to make things work through the thick and thin. That all being said, here's my story.

I met this girl in early 2012. I'm a musician and had a couple of bandmate friends who wanted to start a female-fronted project (think Paramore). We knew some people and eventually came across this girl. She had a boyfriend at the time but I noticed pretty early on that she wasn't very fond of him and constantly was bad-mouthing him. Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't see this as a at the time. Maybe it's because I was so damn attracted to her and it was exciting to me, I don't know. Anyway, we fell instantly for each other. She broke up with him pretty early on in the band's startup and then her and I got involved. It was too good to be true. I had totally fallen in love with this girl in one week flat. She showed up to my house unannounced (the day after we had first really gotten together), which was kind of weird to me at first - but I'm not going to lie - I loved the fact that this girl seemed so into me. I met her family, they all seemed awesome... .

2012 went pretty okay. There were some weird red flags at first but nothing major. I think the most worrisome thing to me was that I noticed she had scars on both her arms (from cutting). I asked her about them and she explained to me that it was from a very bad relationship breakup from the past. She didn't want to talk about it much but said that it was terrible. I honestly just felt sorry for her and didn't really know much about it - I didn't go research it on the internet or anything.

I have a daughter (from a previous relationship) and they immediately bonded. We did things the 3 of us together all the time. I can't think of many fights this year but there definitely was the occasional fight.

The first MAJOR event that I can think of was New Year's Eve night that year at a friend's house. She got really drunk and basically insisted on leaving. I wouldn't let her drive and she called her mom in the middle of the night to say I was holding her hostage there. It was terrible - and worst of all, in front of MY friends. Friends that I really respect and have never had issues with.

2013 came around and we had some serious fights. One of them involved her financial habits and her parents getting involved saying it was "none of my business." I simply wanted to help her get out of debt. It wasn't me trying to "control" her or anything like that. It was good-intentioned but no one saw it that way.

There was another incident where we were fighting at her apartment and she literally just opened a drawer, took out scissors, and cut herself right in front of me. She just watched the blood and looked at me with this crazy look. I had never seen anything like this and it freaked me out. I grabbed them out of her hands and just held her for awhile. Still - I knew I was in love and I just wanted to help. I can't even explain how much this disturbed me though.

In March of 2013, we got into a huge fight on the way home one night. As soon as we pulled into my driveway, she jumped out of my car. It was freezing cold outside. She went running down the road. Her phone and purse were still in my car. I went running around my neighborhood shouting her name trying to find her. After 30 minutes went by and she wasn't in sight, I finally called her mom and explained what had happened. Her mom started driving towards my house. At some point, a neighbor had called the cops because they heard shouting in my neighborhood. It was actually me screaming trying to find her - like I was looking for a lost dog or something. Well, as soon as I saw her walking up the street, I went running across the street and was tackled by a cop. He must have thought I was a threat. He then handcuffed me and even thought she was screaming for them to let me go, they arrested me and I spent the night in jail. Her mom and she bailed me out that next morning.

Another pretty major fight came along where she insisted that I drive her to her parents’ house instead of back to my house. She was playing victim and very dramatic. I started to see sides of me come out that I've never seen before too. I started getting angry in the car, shouting, etc. It was very bad. I remember her literally jumping out of my moving car as soon as I turned onto her parent's driveway. She went running across their front yard and starting banging on their front door screaming "HELP!" This was at 3AM. Her Dad answered the door in his underwear. It was so terrible. That's when the trust really started to go out the window when it came to her family and I. I'd say ever since that event (June 2013), her family and I never were the same. There was a break-up involved here (she said she was done) but we eventually got back together.

She then came on family vacation w/ me that year and everything seemed to be good. Maybe it was because we were around family for a week but we were forced to be good to each other.

Later on that year, several terrible events happened. One was at a concert where we were drinking and got in a huge fight on the way home. I actually took her phone from her and threw it inside my car (it shattered all over the place). I was starting to question who the hell I was becoming as a person at this time. I had started to lose control of myself.

Then, in August 2013 - at one of my band's performances (not the band she was in w/ me), we got pretty intoxicated during the day (the event was Beerfest) and got into a pretty major tiff backstage after I played. She locked herself in the band's green room and I couldn't get her to come out. Me being extremely angry, kept banging on the door for her to come out. I eventually was carried off by security - it was terrible.

That event actually led to the band I was in (for 5 years at the time) kicking me out and saying they were going their separate ways. They essentially told me to get my ___ together and figure out why that kind of thing was happening in public.

One month later, I went out and got really drunk w/ her. I was so messed up in the head bc of the band I had just gotten kicked out of, had been texting our bassist that night, and he was willing to meet me that night and talk. I insisted on leaving the bar and driving to meet up with him. She didn't want me to and I left her at the bar and drove myself. I ended up getting a DUI. Trust me when I say that she wasn't the only one causing problems in this relationship. I had started down a very destructive path myself. I messed up a lot of things for myself during the course of this relationship. This DUI was a trigger point for her and she completely abandoned me. She said she was done. Maybe this was a wake-up call so that I would get help dealing w/ some alcohol issues but it definitely hurt like hell. I couldn't believe she just flat out left me and wouldn't stick it out through me. We got back together about a month later and had a few really good trips together. We went and saw some bands that we really like play in Chicago, Knoxville TN, and had some really good times. No alcohol was really involved here. I really think alcohol played a major part in our destruction. Although, I can remember at the end of the Chicago trip - we got in a pretty nasty fight.

Thanksgiving 2013... .We got in a huge fight on the way from her parents dinner to my parents’ house. She jumped out of my moving car. I couldn't get ahold of her and her parents were involved again because she went running to her parents to come pick her up. I then had to explain to my entire extended family when I got there (extremely late because I was driving all over trying to find her) that she wasn't coming to Thanksgiving. I had to explain this to my daughter as well. It was very painful.

We then got back together temporarily but it quickly ended again. We got in another fight and it was decided that she wouldn't be spending Christmas with me or my family. It seems like holidays were always the worst for her. I can remember my mom being very concerned with the way she was acting. She would cut me off cold-turkey but then Christmas night she tried to face-time me and said she just wanted to let me know that she wanted me to have a good Christmas "even though we couldn't be together." Every time she would run away, I would be begging and acting all pathetic for us to stay together.

2014 was one of the worst ones. We got in several fights early in the year but the worst came in May of that year. We had taken a trip to Nashville (our favorite place) and took a taxi to downtown area that night. We got extremely intoxicated. We got back to the hotel and had the worst of fights we've ever had. I got blackout drunk to the point that I can only remember little bits and pieces and what I've been told (and seen from pictures). This was a rock-bottom low point for me. When I woke up, she was gone. Flashbacks of the night before started to come to me and I could remember her laying on the ground in the bathroom and me throwing things at her. From the pictures I've seen, I apparently "beat her." I don't have any memory of this but I have to go by her word because I was blackout drunk and passed out. I can vaguely remember a hotel employee coming to the room saying that another room at reported us for being loud and I played it off as "everything is fine, must have been a different room." Anyway, I woke up and completely panicked because she was gone. I tracked her via Find my iPhone bc I knew her password from a previous time she had given it to me for an app store purchase. She was 25 minutes from the hotel (still in Nashville) at a bus station. I texted her asking where she went and she wrote back ":)o you not remember beating me up?" I had vague memories coming back but couldn't remember anything like that. I do remember throwing items at her. I rushed there and found her sitting in a room waiting for a bus back to Cincinnati (our home town). She was talking to some guy and she told me that I needed to leave. The guy basically told me "You need to get away now" She ended up getting a security guy bc I insisted on talking to her and then I was asked to come outside by some cops. I was then handcuffed and arrested for "domestic violence" after they talked to her. I was in a city 5 hours from my hometown and knew no one there. Anyway, there's a 12 hour minimum hold in TN for all domestic violence cases. I had to bail myself out of jail and then walk the streets trying to find my car with no cell phone (it was dead). I finally found my car, checked out of the hotel, and left to go back into town. On the way home, I found out that she had already called my mom explaining to her that I was in jail. She also then proceeded to tell the mom of my child that I was in jail and she was "scared" for the sake of my daughter. She also then contacted several of my close friends explaining what happened. Long story short - my life was a living hell for the next several months. She also took out a restraining order against me. This absolutely destroyed me. I had to hire an attorney for this as well and several thousands of dollars later (and a year of classes), the whole Nashville thing was finally off my plate. We started to get in contact with each other again about 3-4 months later (even though it was against the law). She said she wanted to be with me again and we fell back into the same pattern as always. When we first got back together, she explained to me that she had slept with the drummer of my band "6 times" and she felt horrible for it. This tore me apart for multiple reasons but I thought we were meant for each other so I tried to put it behind me and focus on us.

(Now, if the above scares you or makes you guys view me as a terrible person, I'm sorry. I can't even confirm for sure that her story is 100% true but I have to believe it bc of pictures. Have I questioned if she made part of it up or over-exaggerated it to play victim herself? Sure... .however, I DO know that I am guilty for many of my actions and I do have an anger problem. That all being said, she has hit me in the past, scratched my face with my car keys, punched me in the forehead, bitten my arm while I was driving... .I never shamed her or brought these things up like she does me when we break up. Man, just thinking back to some of these makes me feel uneasy.)

We hid it from everyone that we were back together though. I wouldn't re-introduce her to my daughter (bc I had the hardest time breaking the news to my daughter originally and my daughter had just started to move on from that) and I never trusted that she wouldn't leave again. I brought her around new friends/bandmates and everyone loved us. We felt like we were on fire again and we were doing awesome. This initial "excitement" lasted for about 3-4 months until the next event.

In December of 2014, her brother (39 years old) died suddenly. This was a horrible experience for her and I so badly wanted to be there for her. For whatever reason, this was a major trigger for her and she completely cut me out of her life again. She said that her brother made her promise that we'd never get back together (bc of the Nashville incident) and out of respect for him, she thought we needed to be done again. This tore me apart. She totally pulled away and I was lost without her again. Sadly, I couldn't even tell anyone about it bc I hadn't told anyone that we had gotten back together for the past 3 months. It was also technically against the law for us to even be together so I had nowhere to turn. I had basically made her the center of my universe for the past 3 months.

We got back together in late January 2015 when she randomly texted me out of the blue. She had gotten drunk and my video surveillance showed her pulling into my driveway at 4am one night (I was out of town playing a show with my band). The common theme here though? I would always go back. Every single time. Immediately just wanted to be together and work through whatever issues we had.     

We were then good for the majority of 2015. No major issues that come to mind. I'm sure there were some. We actually tried to get the restraining order removed and were eventually successful (after appealing one failed attempt). We BOTH had to hire attorney's for this to happen. Several thousands of dollars down the drain. We then both had to go to court after the 2 years were up to get this expunged from my record. It took ALOT of work to undo all the court related things.

December 2015... .We got in another fight one night (drinking of course). She cut me out completely. She involved her mom (like she always does) and played victim. She ended up having sex with some guy literally 2 nights after this happened. Tore me apart all over again. I spent Christmas completely depressed again. Looking through old emails from that time just makes my stomach churn. I was basically begging for her love, making her extremely well thought-out Christmas presents, and she was having sex with someone else.

(to be continued)

[notweakwilled]

(continued from above)

We got back together in January because that's what we do. 2016 was a lot of miscellaneous rough times but no major events. Just a lot of breaking up/getting back together and keeping secrets from the world.

We booked a cruise for early 2017 and did that without too many major issues (although one big fight one night).

We broke up again in March 2017 bc of a dumb fight. It was horrible though - screaming, her leaving her own house, me chasing her down the street again, etc... .I had finally thought I had enough and started to date another girl summer of 2017. Then we met up to get "closure" and I ended up in the same position I always end up in. Back with her and breaking up with a perfectly great girl.

We went on the same cruise again in January-February of 2018 and had a good time. We lasted this year until late March 2018. We had our ups and downs again throughout this past year but I do think we did considerably better than most years. I felt like we were making real progress. I think that's what makes this so hard now.

My thing to her has always been: If we can go so many days without you running away, I will reintroduce you to my daughter, family, etc. This would drive her crazy. She never felt "good enough" bc I was unwilling to reintroduce her to these parts of my life until I knew FOR SURE that she wouldn't run away. The cycle was always the same though. We'd get in an argument, she'd run away and "block me." I'd get weak and beg for her love back. The way she plays certain games just got so exhausting though. She'd break up with me, block me on all social media, but then a week later be "following" me or requesting to be my friend on FB again. Then, when I don't immediately respond or show any concern for that abnormal behavior, she'd take it away and say "Fine, I get it you can't let the world know we're together" and break up all over again. Literally anything any minute would set her off. I would be at work and be scared to look at my phone bc I couldn't guess if we were together or apart or if I'd be seeing her that night. Buying concert tickets got expensive because half the time we'd end up in a fight and then not able to go. It made it hard to even plan anything. 

I had already broken my daughter's heart one time and she had gotten well-adjusted to her not being around. The last thing I ever wanted to do was reintroduce them, the run away thing happen again, and then me have to break my daughter's heart all over again.

Anyway, this became the biggest argument - all she wanted to do was meet my daughter again. She wanted to be a part of my band life (who had pretty much all told me to stay away from her). I continued to lie to them about being with her for the past year but she was my drug and I needed to be with her - so I still did it.

This most recent breakup started w/ her getting suicidal. Dumb argument via text. She then said she was going to kill herself, turned her phone off, and I couldn't get ahold of her. This started make me panic. What is she really did do something? I'd never be able to live with myself. I contacted her mom (this was my last resort) and made her mom call her. Her mom assured me that she was okay and that she just wanted to be "left alone." She blocked me via text but then would send me an email that night. These are the games she always plays. Makes no sense to me - blocks me but then contacts me on different mediums herself - so freaking annoying to me. Anyway, she was completely "done" and I tried to just give her space bc everything I've learned over the years it that she would come back eventually. Well, she never did and I started to panic. One day I got home from work and there was a bin on my front porch with everything of ours in it - movie tickets, concert ticket stubs, pictures, etc. It was her way of telling me she was "really done." I know I shouldn't have let this get to me but it did. I lost it. I started calling her work repeatedly (2nd job) where I knew she was at the time - getting others involved. She insisted to not talk to me so got her manager's involved telling me that she wouldn't talk to me. I realize that these are my actions but I also feel like she gets off on this kind of thing. It gives her the power/control. It just drives me crazy. But she knows my weaknesses (anxiety and how I react in those situations).

Fast forward another two weeks. She still wants nothing to do with me so I stupidly show up at her apartment and knock on her door. I know she's there because her car is there and her lights are on. She doesn't answer so I knock louder. I walk around to the back where her bedroom window is. I knock louder and louder, eventually banging to the point that the glass breaks/shatters. Immediately, the cops show up and I'm arrested. I spent 14 hours in jail, didn't get a phone call, and my work witnessed me "no call/no show" for the first time in my 15 years of employment there and eventually found my records online. Talk about embarrassing. I have now spent another $3k in attorney fees, bail, etc... .She is playing victim (which she is) and threatening to make my life hell. This is like dejavu all over again. All I can think about is how much WORK it took and how much money we spent trying to UNDO the court damages the last time something like this happened. I feel like she is going to do something she regrets 6 months from now. But here I am - my actions have done this to myself. I can't complain or blame anyone but myself here. I guess what bothers me is that she had to have seen this coming. I feel like if she really loved me, she wouldn't have wanted me to go to jail. She could have answered the door and said "Look this isn't working." I simply wanted to talk to her but she didn't want to talk to me. She knows I react like this but I think she does it to use my weaknesses against me. Somehow in a matter of weeks it went from her being suicidal and then next thing you know I'm in jail. I didn't want any of this to happen. I wanted to be there for her - just wanted to be together. I'm so broken, confused, lost. I've become a horrible person myself throughout this relationship. I think she does whatever it takes to take the issue off of her. She didn't want to deal with being wrong in the original argument weeks ago - and that's why she got suicidal. She then didn't want to deal with the "suicidal" actions, so she stopped talking to me. It just goes on and on and then I get worse and worse.

I can remember my attorney from back in 2014 telling me that "this b**** is going to ruin your life if you keep going back." I can remember a psychologist in 2013 telling me to "run like hell" and that she was "borderline personality disorder" bc of the cutting. But here we are in 2018 and I'm still living this life. The crazy part is that I still have tons of good memories and desperately want to be with her.

It all sounds so ridiculous reading all of this. Like why in the hell would 2 people continue to get back together after all this bad history? It's absolutely crazy to me. We somehow always end up believing that we love each other deeply. Whenever we get back together it's amazing. Whenever we are good, our communication throughout the day seems very strong and we get excited about lots of things - whether it be planning road trips or our vacations. But now it's like she's "really done." But I mean how many times have I heard that before? It's currently May 2018 and I have 2 big charges against me for damaging her window. She will not talk to me anymore. I would be lying if I said I didn't want her to text me this very minute. But instead she's shaming me to her friends and telling them I'm the worst person ever.

So in summary, from 2012-2018, I've been to jail 3 times due to my own decisions and this relationship. This is not me as a person. I've never been like this. People who know me are shocked when they find out things like this have happened. Even people who have seen us in public think we're generally great. I have witnessed myself become a person that I've never been before. You can ask anyone who knew me before meeting her, my co-workers, etc... .This is so out of character for me. I normally have my things together. I have a stable job, my own house, my ducks in a row, am a good parent, etc.

She is 100% convinced that I am a narcissist. Maybe I really am. But I'm 100% convinced that she is BPD. I had put a deposit down on the same cruise we go on every year for 2019 and she locked me out of the account and changed the name of the other passenger to her friend. Now I can't even go if I wanted and it's "sold out." I just feel like it's all a game sometimes. Every time I start to put my life back together (this has happened several times over the past 6 years), she will come back. I really just don't know what to do. As of now, I'm in legal trouble again and I can't make the same mistakes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.

[once removed]

hi notweakwilled, and

wow, youve been through a lot. as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, i am glad you found us. youre in good company, and the healing can begin. sharing our stories with others who have walked or are walking in our shoes is a great start.

i certainly found myself at an all time low, behaving in ways that seemed unlike me. i know most of us can relate.

how long has it been since the last ending? have you considered seeing a therapist? comes highly recommended around here.

i should mention that if you are interested in resuscitating the relationship, the Bettering board is the place to work. members here are working through the stages of grief and so most of the advice will revolve around that. we have a legal board that can help you navigate those waters, as well.

meanwhile, it would be a good idea to jump into the lessons on the right of the board, and let us know a bit more about how we can best support you right now.

and again, welcome to the family. youre in good company.

[notweakwilled]

Thank you so much for the response and support. If this thread belongs on a different board, feel free to move it. I honestly don't know what I want anymore. It's been about a month now that she's left the most recent time. I'm blocked on everything and I have no idea if she's going to press charges or what exactly. I've been advised not to contact her. The typical cycle is that she will eventually reach out though - could be tomorrow or could be 3 months from now. Or maybe she's truly done. I just can't help but feel the need to check up on her via social media and send her emails apologizing. I seem to always regret it after I do it though. I just need to decide what I want to do myself. Ironically, I had my story from 2012 to 2015 all typed up and saved as a "draft" with a reminder to "post to BPD family forum" but never got around to it and then we got back together. I just added to it and finally posted this most recent time. I really want to be able to move on and have a healthy relationship with someone non BPD one day but it seems like every time the opportunity even arises, I have issues bc I don't feel as "close" or as "connected" as I was with the my BPD partner. It's never as good or exciting with someone else. So, while it may be stable or less drama, the high's are never even close to the same and I end up going back. The cycle repeats.

[Harley Quinn]

I'd like to join Once Removed in welcoming you to the site.  That's a heck of a story.  How are you feeling right now? 

It sounds like you could both use a break from all of the drama in order to gather yourselves and really think about what you want your futures to look like.  I'd imagine that would not look like the last 6 years at a guess.  Do you have the support of a therapist?  You've a lot to process and many of us are in therapy after the rollercoaster ride we've had.  Investing in yourself is a positive step to take.  We can only control ourselves and our own actions.  Doing things for the improvement of your own emotional health will benefit you regardless of what happens with your ex partner or not in the future. 

This r/s really seems to have taken it's toll on you.  You're in the right place.  We know here what it is like to be in the midst of dysfunction, and we've all said or done things we're not proud of in our lives.  The key is what we do with that.  Could you put a boundary on yourself do you think?  To take a little space without contacting her in order to begin gaining some perspective and to start to heal.  No matter what happens, that would be good for you to do for yourself.  What do you think?

Love and light x