Well, technically not romantic since they are aromantic but a relationship

[rover]

We have known each other for about three years and have been in a long distance relationship for about two years. About a year ago due to circumstances in my life we discussed being even closer and now we are becoming really serious. I will be visiting them soon so we can see how well we can get along in real life. I really want this to go well as they have become very important to me. Any hints or helps on how i can be more supportive would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi rover,



Can you please tell us more about the issues between you and your partner? Have you met in person yet? Will this be the first time? Does your partner have BPD/BPD traits?

warmly, pearl.

[rover]

Hi rover,



Can you please tell us more about the issues between you and your partner? Have you met in person yet? Will this be the first time? Does your partner have BPD/BPD traits?

warmly, pearl.

at this point we don't have actual issues, we have had conflicts in the past but have worked the issues out. we have not yet met in real life which is why i want to meet them and live with them for a specified time (i will have a return ticket and come back to my home nation in order for both of us to have time to think about any issues that might arise before we go ahead and make it more permanent). my partner has said they have a BPD diagnosis and has discussed some traits like attachment issues (having serious problems if i were to be suspected of wanting to leave and things like that).

what i am mainly looking for is how i can best support them once we are together in real life. online already seems to be working well as we get to know each other better but i have experience with real life relationships and i know they have more difficulties.

[pearlsw]

Hi rover,

You need not mention the countries, but may I ask how far apart they are? If language will be an issue?

As someone who in an international relationship with a partner with BPD traits I can tell you very honestly that it was been extremely difficult.

Being with someone who breaks up with while I have been overseas has been extremely damaging. I hope in your case you have more luck, but I just want to offer a word of caution that these kinds of relationships are quite challenging as it is, and if you throw in an international setting where you are out of your element it can be even more trying.

I had a lot of visits before moved overseas. We knew other online and in person for a few years before I moved. The difficulties ramped up dramatically though as time went on. This will be your first visit/meeting after many years of online time together?

Keep in mind, you can support the other person, but you have to be able to support yourself too, okay? We're here to talk to and offer insights and support.

What kinds of issues are you anticipating having?

wishing you well, pearl.

[rover]

Hi rover,

You need not mention the countries, but may I ask how far apart they are? If language will be an issue?

We ten time zones apart. While their native language is very different from mine they speak and write English fluently and I am endeavoring to learn theirs

... .and if you throw in an international setting where you are out of your element it can be even more trying.

While I have never been in their nation I have lived outside of my nation of origin for over a year on a previous occasion.

This will be your first visit/meeting after many years of online time together?

we have known each other for nearly four years. They were interested in a relationship starting in the second year and I had us talk more for about a year before entering in the long distance relationship that we have now which has lasted somewhat over two years. During the last two years we have supported each other through a number of things.

Keep in mind, you can support the other person, but you have to be able to support yourself too, okay?

I am actually in therapy right now working on developing those skills better.

We're here to talk to and offer insights and support.

thank you

What kinds of issues are you anticipating having?

I actually have no clue. I have been told that a relationship with someone who has BPD will have issues. I have only recently started reading up on the disorder. Until now the bad relationships that I have had have been with narcissists and psychopaths which have different issues.

edit: actually I do anticipate one issue but it is not BPD related. I am over three decades older than they are.

[pearlsw]

Hi rover,

How long will this first test visit be? Will you be under the same roof? You have been involved with some with BPD for many years already but have not seen any symptoms of this? Or you saw them, but did not know what you were seeing?

Oh, is this mostly about attachment and abandonment issues? Has been a theme for you two or not yet?

take care, pearl.

[rover]

The first visit will be for just under the 90 day limit that a tourist visa allows. I will be staying with them in their apartment, I figured the closer to a real life test the better. In fact the original plan had me there only over the summer but due to health issues of mine I will be leaving later in the summer. This means even closer to a real life stay as they will be going back to college in September so we will even be more like a regular life.

They have admitted abandonment and attachment issues to me in the past. I think the attachment issue (if i am understanding it correctly) was demonstrated by them wanting to be in a relationship with me before (at least in my view) we even knew that much about each other, which was why I put them off a year while we got to know each other better. The abandonment issue did come up when we had a conflict once and I told them that I needed a break which caused them a great deal of distress - I hope to be better able to deal with such things in the future.