Dating

[Fie]

Hi all !


I thought I'd ask for a little input
I am single and have met this person who I went on 2 dates with so far.
First date was on thursday, second was today.

Although it doesn't *feel* too fast, my 'BPD' past (I've had several relationships with BPD/NPD) tells me I should be careful, since there are only a few days in between.
He's kind, funny and I feel natural around him, I like talking to him. I just generally *feel* good about it, and my guts is not warning me, like I have felt with several other people I have been on a date with the last months. I mean, I have learned to recognize the signs of BPD/NPD, and I seem to have developed an early warning system      I do however seem to attract them, at least that's how it seems.
 
And here my warning system is not warning me... .
But this guy has no kids, has only had one serious relationship (of 2 years, and he's 41 !), doesn't own his own home, has studied a lot less then me ... all things that are not a big deal persé, but I do have a history with BPD and I know I need to be careful.  

I know I am an overthinker. Am I exagerating ? I don't feel like listening to my brain right away, I would like to meet this person again to see at least for myself if maybe he's just the great person he seems to be at first sight ?

Any thoughts ? I'm sorry for the 'light' topic. I am aware that my topic might seem a little petty while a lot of people are struggling with serious stuff right now. It's just... I have no idea how a good relationship or partnerchoice is supposed to work.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Fie, 

Good to hear from you! I found two links that might have some good tips for you.

Red flags in relationships

Healthy Relaionships

Like you, I don't really know what healthy relationships look like. I know about many things they don't look like, but I think it takes time to grow and learn in this area. I'm happy for you that you've begun dating!

 
Wools

[zachira]

I really hear you when you talk about being worried that you might have attracted the wrong kind of person again and how can you tell? I would say that the most important thing is to go slowly and observe how this guy treats others. Before you get too involved, maybe introduce him to someone you trust who will give you an honest opinion. I feel the main challenge is not to confuse sexual attraction with love. The most manipulative people are really good at love bombing and making us think we are their one and only forever. Healthy relationships involve good boundaries, which include disclosing the most personal information over a period of time, not in the first few dates. Do look at his body language, and see if he is trying to impress you. Is there genuine joy in his expressions? Is his body language open and relaxed? Does what he tells you about himself make sense? Just a few thoughts. I admire you for having the courage to try again. Please keep us posted and let us know how we can help. Many of us on this Board are struggling with how to turn around the pattern of being in relationships with the wrong people, and are generous in what they have learned about how to find the right kind of relationship.

[Harri]

Hi Fie!  Oooh!  this is the subject I know the least about!  I wish we still had the healthy relationship board.  This is the kind of thing that surpasses (not the right word.  Can't find the right word right now) the issues of being an adult child of mentally ill parent(s).

Maybe he is a late bloomer and shy?  Not a bad thing.  I think it is going to take months to see if any big negatives show up.  Be watchful and cautious but enjoy yourself.  I would spend more time focusing on my own feelings and responses as they are what will ultimately determine if it is a good match for you.  Keep listening to your gut and of course keep posting about this!

BTW, this is not small stuff.  This is huge.  It is taking everything we worked on and trying to apply it to healthy living.  No easy task for us children of, right?  So many lessons to apply about other people, what we learned about us and how our childhood colors the world and the people around us.  Tough tough stuff to deal with.  Fortunately you are well versed and well equipped!  

Eventually I want to meet this guy to make my own assessment!    

Oh!  Maybe we will always attract some with BPD/NPD/?PD but isn't what is important is how long and how much we get involved a better metric of healing?  It is easy to spot them.  What is not easy is to overcome our own tendencies.

 

[Turkish]

Half the population never owns their own home (and home ownership is lower than 50% currently). Is this a  , or does it speak to maybe your personal financial values?

I've only had one serious r/s of 6 years (we split when I was 42). 2 kids, have a mortgage, and likely studied a lot less than you.   ? Or life?

Take your time. Nothing wrong with that.

[No-One]

He's kind, funny and I feel natural around him, I like talking to him. I just generally *feel* good about it, and my guts is not warning me, like I have felt with several other people I have been on a date with the last months

And here my warning system is not warning me... .
But this guy has no kids, has only had one serious relationship (of 2 years, and he's 41 !), doesn't own his own home, has studied a lot less then me ... all things that are not a big deal persé, but I do have a history with BPD and I know I need to be careful.

Hi Fie:

I'd say keep dating him and have some fun times.  I'm a believer that people show you who they really are over time.  Keep the dating field open and don't enter into an exclusive dating relationship, until you feel fairly confident that you have a "keeper".  Then, after you think you have a "keeper", take more time with an exclusive relationship.  

EDUCATION:  
You will have to explore whether it is an issue for you, as a couple.  There are plenty of relationships where one person is a "White Collar" worker and the other is "Blue Collar".  Also, some people in the tech industry have become millionaires or billionaires by developing some tech product (without educational degrees or advanced degrees).

Less formal education isn't necessarily a bad thing. With the Internet and electronic devices, there are so many ways to informally learn many things. Emotional intelligence, motivation and good/balanced work ethics can be an important part of the equation for a successful person (not just level of formal education).

NO HOUSE:
The reason(s) for him not having a house might say a lot.

Has he not been able to afford to buy a home or qualify for a loan?

Perhaps, he didn't want the responsibility of maintaining a home or hadn't decided where he wanted to live long term.

NO CHILDREN:
The fact that he has no kids could just mean that he has been responsible and/or choose responsible partners. (no unplanned children).  It can be better to not marry too young.  It's easier for a man to put marriage off, as the biological clock isn't ticking for them.

At some point, you will need to introduce him to your daughter.  Just because someone has had children, doesn't necessarily make them a good step-parent.

If you have a personal goal, with a timeline to marry and have more children by a certain time, then you might want to limit the "discovery period" with new men. I think most women want either a financial equal or better (or someone with that potential).  

If possible, just enjoy dating and take your time before committing to an exclusive relationship.  Have fun.  Sometimes, you will find that those who appear great early on aren't and vice versa.   Some men might not be marriage material, but can be fun to date until you meet someone you want to be in a committed relationship with.  

[Panda39]

What are your deal breakers?  Have an awareness of what those things are and proceed with awareness.  Sounds to me like so far so good, no reason to stop seeing him at this point.

Panda39

[Fie]

I am so happy that I have this support. I have a friend I can talk to about this and she kind of knows where I’m coming from, but it’s still different.

Thank you *Wools* for being so sweet to post me those links. I’m sure I’ve read them but it can’t hurt to remind myself. Thanks also for telling me you are happy that I have begun dating. Truth is I have been dating for quite a while now. The first years not with really serious intentions, but lately yes.  I have met quite some people and some of them were really nice, but never that special feeling of hey, I feel really good around this person.


*Zachira*, you are making some really good points.

Is there genuine joy in his expressions?

Yes, there is and this is something I like very much. He seems genuine, open and happy.  I am generally positive and content but I do have worry tendencies and this is something this guy doesn’t seem to have. He doesn’t seem the analyzing type. The points *Turkish* is making certainly have their value. I guess the things I mentioned (not having had a lot of relationships, no own home etc) are all points that could have warned me in my previous relationships but didn’t. I am someone who generally doesn’t care too much about income, status, etc. But because of wrong decisions in the past I have come to realize that maybe I should care a bit more about those things.
On the other hand, truth is, the only person I was every happy with (he didn’t have a PD) was quite poor, and had no high education and such. Maybe I just need a less ‘sophisticated’ person, who’s more down to earth than me, tells me to stop worrying and makes me laugh. (Hmm that sounds good actually)


*Harri*, thanks for saying this is not small stuff. Indeed it doesn’t feel like small stuff to me. I am however a bit pissed with myself that again I am overanalyzing everything while maybe I should just be enjoying the moments I am having now. Like you are saying, I do have the feeling that I will somehow always attract PD. Although I am not always, I know I can come across as this sensitive sweet cute lady, something PD likes a lot. Maybe I should do something about that.   

*no-one*, I like the things you are saying too.

You are right that people show their true selves after some time. If he has a PD, I will eventually notice.
It also feels right to keep the dating field open as you put it. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Perhaps, he didn't want the responsibility of maintaining a home or hadn't decided where he wanted to live long term.

Hmm I have asked him about it, and he said he didn't feel the need to have his own house. Same with having no relationships (or just one). Thing is, exactly this kind of worries me a little. I live in a country where a lot of people have their own house ... but of course I know this doesn't mean he has to. But not wanting the responsibility of maintaining a home sounds BPD to me ... I am maybe oversensitive. Not perse wanting to make children can indeed be a responsible choice, you are right there. He does have children he's a sort of 'uncle' for (godchildren I believe) and he seems to be enjoying that.

*Panda*, what a smart question you are asking. The dealbreaker I can think about right away would be that he would start treating me poorly. Or being close minded. He did mention he almost voted for a conservative party, so I'm being cautious