Losing Hope again with my BPD partner - trying not to walk away

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Hi,
New Topic here. I am male and have been married almost 18 years to the most amazing, charismatic, beautiful, sexy, caring, empathetic person I have ever met. But after going through multiple marriage and communication issues, years of therapy, indiviudal and couples counselling I am almost certain my wife has (not is) BPD. Our marriage goes from amazing, perfect, on the same wave length, lots of sex and general enjoyment of each others company, to avoiding each other for days, being picking on or pointed out every tiny thing that is wrong, or over control issues. The general feeling of being in No-Win situations that result in negative backlash no matter what I do or say.

I could spend weeks on housing projects and spending every second trying to do what my SO expects or what I think she really wants or make her happy. Sometimes the more care and effort I put into something, the more likely I am to get a negative backlash or not doing it right, not putting care in, not doing it at the right time, or just general disinterest or passive silence. On the flip side I could do something as simple as bringing her her favourite softdrink or a treat from the fridge or a second hand album or something, and feel like I am the greatest husband ever. I cant understand the reasoning behind this?

Am I getting faint praise on small things as a compensation for disdain over large gestures or sacrifices? This has been going on so long (with all the usual confrontations and false or skewed accusations) I am completely burnt out from teh constant up and downs. When I come home I never know if I will be the hero or the enemy and usually it has nothing to do with anything I have done (or not done). We have separated multiple times but have always come back together because we both cant live with the realistion of not sharing our lives with each other. But its taken its toll. We have had separate rooms for years and both have needs for time out and space. Which is fine, I am happy to find whatever ways of working together and work on ourselves, but my personal sense of self has been completely eroded.

I have lost confidence in my ability to do anything or contribute anything positive to my relationship or living situation or environment. I feel like the only things I can feel ok about are superficial gestures. Over the weekend I got into a fight because I left the garage down open about half a foot, and then over tightened a security camera that was loose (been working on the security systme for months). And been told how awful and negative and uncaring I am at anything I do, and she spends every second trying to make me happy and should have the right to have a problem with anything she feels right about. When I question that I feel overly nitpicked on things I do and underappreciated I just got told her family say she is the most easy going laid back person in the world so it must be my problem.

I have an estranged relationship with my family and have no current support network. I dont want to leave but keep thinking about walking away every other day. I am just exhausted from it, and the overwhelming feeling and accusations of blame for everything that has ever gone wrong, and then out of nowhere everything is great and amazing and perfect, I am just so burnt out physically and emotionally.

So anyway I dont really know what help I am looking for but this is my current situation and feel very alone and helpless in a situation I am constantly on edge 24/7. Just trying to find some outlet and be able to feel less alone in my situation.

Thanks for reading.

BurntOutFromBPD

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

hi BurntOutFromBPD,



you are not alone! we have a great, supportive community here! i strongly encourage you to stick around, get to know others via their posts and start off by encouraging and offering sympathy. it might help you with recovering hope for life and possibly the relationship.

might i suggest considering a focus, to start, on recovering a sense of confidence in your ability to do things despite the barrage of criticism/nitpicking?

ah, nitpicking. it stings so much when the hope, love, and promise of a relationship eventually leads to that. ugh.

how might you rebuild your self-esteem? what things do you do that give you a sense of pride, allow you to feel good about yourself?

with compassion, pearl.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Thank you Pearl  

I have found this place today and will definitely be sticking around I think. I have been trying to find different things over the last few months to regain some sense of self and confidence. I have found a new counsellor finally and will be seeing them on Monday and will bring this up too.

I was brought up in a conservative and very judgmental passive aggressive family so I already have a lot of introverted personality traits and learned coping mechanisms for nitpicking or passive criticism. Usually involving some sort of disassociation and holding the feelings inside. It helps avoid confrontation but I have built up an internal thing which absorbs this stuff for very long periods of time before I inevitably have a break down.

I am still trying to figure out what I need and what I can do to rebuild that sense of pride in myself. I am hoping the new therapy can help me find that for myself.

Thank you for welcoming me to your community,

BOFB

[waverider]

You have to firstly realise this is not about you. Her need to either give or receive valuation is largely internally driven and not driven by you or anything you do. This may seem perverse but if she has a need to "come down on you (aka someone/anyone)", then by you being the perfect husband you are invalidating her reason to do so, this further triggers a need to up the anti. Quite simply she has a need to "dump" and you are seemingly trying to prevent it. The reason for the action is irrelevant, it is just a vehicle to express an emotional internal pressure.

It is best if you just be you regardless of her mood of the moment. If you keep changing trying to be in sync, then you will always be one step behind. YOU will be seen as unstable, stability is what she needs. This reduces her ability to respect you. Someone with BPD ultimately respect someone who has the confidence to say "no" to them when need be. They do not respect door mats, or yes men, even if that is how they treat you at times.

pwBPD do not like what they create, and always try to deflect responsibility for the consequences. Hence if you become what they make you, they dont like it and will blame you for that change. Be true to yourself or you will loose yourself

[Fingerlakes]

You have to firstly realise this is not about you. Her need to either give or receive valuation is largely internally driven and not driven by you or anything you do. This may seem perverse but if she has a need to "come down on you (aka someone/anyone)", then by you being the perfect husband you are invalidating her reason to do so, this further triggers a need to up the anti. Quite simply she has a need to "dump" and you are seemingly trying to prevent it. The reason for the action is irrelevant, it is just a vehicle to express an emotional internal pressure.

It is best if you just be you regardless of her mood of the moment. If you keep changing trying to be in sync, then you will always be one step behind. YOU will be seen as unstable, stability is what she needs. This reduces her ability to respect you. Someone with BPD ultimately respect someone who has the confidence to say "no" to them when need be. They do not respect door mats, or yes men, even if that is how they treat you at times.

pwBPD do not like what they create, and always try to deflect responsibility for the consequences. Hence if you become what they make you, they dont like it and will blame you for that change. Be true to yourself or you will loose yourself

I agree totally with the door-mat comment. I find my SO who shows signs of BPD and NPD, will change her whole demeanor when she thinks she has reached a certain level of control with me. And that change is NOT good. She turns into a manipulative, mean person and will treat me like a child. On the flip side, when I stand my ground, call her out on her behavior(That takes practice to do it properly)-- she then, 9 times out of 10 will apologize and remain open to positive dialog and is that happy person I fell in love with.

[Caco Canepa]

HI Burnt Out --

I'm watching this conversation because it's very much my experience. This message board has been very helpful to me, and I began last summer to rebuild my support network and to reclaim my sense of self that had eroded away trying to please my nBPDw.

I'm still having some horrible feelings — wondering what she'll be like if/when I'm old, ill or incapacitated. Will she be standing over me while I'm doddering and laying in a puddle of my own filth, yelling at me?

I mostly regret going through with marrying her, buying a house, and having a child with her. All I can do from here forward is to limit the financial obligations and not get further entangled. Got a vasectomy, and have vowed I will not take on another loan/mortgage with her.  I still haven't decided whether to stay with her.

Long story short -- you are not alone. Hold on to your sense of self.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Thank you for the responses they are very helpful. My wife and I had a good night tonight, we were both being civil and kind to each other which was a nice relief. I was totally in the mode to lock myself away and isolate after a long day and wanting to avoid any further confrontation. But we were able to sit together and watch a tv show and have an actual conversation, where I could tell she was making an effort to actively listen and acknowledge what I am saying and I was trying to do the same with her. We didnt speak about the previous confrontations and arguments or comments that didnt make sense. I tried to remove myself from what she said before and keep it in the context of that she is under a lot of stress and is feeling overwhelmed and out of control of things and this is an outlet from that. I think she was genuinely making an effort to be self aware as she stopped herself while starting to go into a blame dump and pulled herself back and changed the subject.

I think having thought about all the things I have been reading on here and have just finished Stop Walking on Eggshells, I was in more of a calmer mindframe tonight and that vibe seemed to make a difference to how she spoke and acted with the interactions. Feeling more positive again, seeing my new counsellor on Monday. Its a long story but I was actually seeing the same counsellor as her (she set it up as I couldnt get in for months) and got very defensive that I moved to a different one because I was feeling uncomfortable with potential conflict of interest. I kind of thought she was more comfortable if she could get some insight as to how i was rather than paranoia of talking about her behind her back or planning to leave which was accused many times. I have a lot of internal unresolved anger I need to deal with and I dont want to project it back on my wife. I need to deal with it and take back myself, having a community that completely understands makes so much of a difference, been feeling so absolutely alone for a long time now. I picked up my guitar for the first time in months before writing this and it felt good. A good end to the day at least