Codependency and relationship

[juju2]

Hi family,

Have been here since my life got chaotic last year.  My story is here.on these boards.

I started going to al anon seriously over a year ago when we were separated: worked the steps, got a sponsor, and my life started to get better.  Codependency tendencies will always be with me, I can recognize sooner when am about to do something/say something that doesn't agree w my values of being whole, complete, worthy, valuable, lovable... .

It's a process.  One day at a time.

This community has helped me as well.  I see that being in a r/s w pwBPD is a perfect storm for a codependent like me.  All of this means I need to work more on myself.  Feeling better feels better!

It's getting over that point in time that i am not seeing results.  It takes time... .

Anyone else's experience, please share. 

Thank you, j

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi juju2, thanks for opening this topic. I'm in there with you.

My codependency started with my BPDish mom. She would verbally abuse me, make me feel selfish and bad, but she was always sick with something, then finally it was cancer. I really couldn't let that anger out. Then she died and I had no way to get it out. 

Then I redid all of it with my uBPDw. I thought I was bad and all the things she did to me where because I was a selfish husband and I deserved it. I felt paralyzed by guilt and a false sense of responsibility: all the pain she went through during pregnancy (not my fault), the fact that it's been hard for her to get back into the workforce after taking care of the kids at home for 4 years (not my fault), and so on. I let her hit me, destroy my things, destroy my relationship with family, humiliate me. Usually I did nothing but apologize. Once in a whole, I would rage out about it. 

I found out about codependency not long after I found out about BPD. I've made some progress this past half year. Now I know where I am responsible and where I am not. I've set a few big boundaries on her behavior, mostly by reporting it to the police when it gets out of control. Now I'm trying to find somewhere to let the anger out.


Last night my wife was digging into me a little and I snapped at her and lost it a bit. You can see the whole story on my own codependency post here

Last night I finally saw how responsible I was for my side. I saw this wasn't just her issue, but my issue and our issue. I had this anger in me long before I met her. It's the leftover of over three decades of codependency in my life. I'm better at boundaries, but the anger is still there. It's my job to do something about it, not her. 

Do you experience anger too?

~ROE

[juju2]

Thank you R.

I do experience anger, for me it comes out as low self esteem, self hate, like that.  I feel like I do not know how to express anger in a healthy way. I don't trust my emotions, my actions, around anger.

I don't want to react. 

You bring up a good topic, because dealing w pwBPD I will need to control my anger.

I used to think I had anger issues, when he would rage and break stuff.  I would get angry, then it made everything worse... .it took me a while to figure that out.  I haven't gotten angry at him in a year.  Progress.

Thank you R.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi jj,

I used to experience anger as low self esteem and self hate, too. Later I realized I directed it at myself because I knew I couldn't direct it at others, mainly my wife. She would just take it and throw it back at me, not listen to it. Do you think you might be doing the same?

Great progress on not reacting for a year. You don't get angry, but you still feel angry. What do you do in those moments to control it?

~ROE

[juju2]

Thank  you R,

I don't have the chance to get upset, we spend so little time together, coffee once a week.  He does want to come over, he said that about three times now.  He forgot the time or something last week, didn't show up for our coffee.  It may have been a test, to see how i would react.  I was not upset, just texted, guess I will go home, have a good nite... .
I didn't feel angry.  I pause now, and pray.  Don't want to react.

Is a lot of this we deal with, being tested?

That's the feeling I am getting.

Is it that way for you?

[Sparky5]

Thank you R.

I do experience anger, for me it comes out as low self esteem, self hate, like that.  I feel like I do not know how to express anger in a healthy way. I don't trust my emotions, my actions, around anger.

I don't want to react. 

You bring up a good topic, because dealing w pwBPD I will need to control my anger.

I used to think I had anger issues, when he would rage and break stuff.  I would get angry, then it made everything worse... .it took me a while to figure that out.  I haven't gotten angry at him in a year.  Progress.

Thank you R.

Well done Juju! I wish I would have realized that years ago. Expressing anger with my BPDgf only made it worse. I'm actually laying in bed with a copy of "codependent no more" right now. Progress not perfection indeed. Gf came home yesterday, just to use the shower and was off again. Poor thing has meth sores on her face now and I realize is in the depths of her disease and off her physch meds. Even though I know she's out drinking and using I am able to see her as a precious child of God worthy of compassion. For me , that's progress, but I feel I need to set a boundary here. It's just not ok to use my home as the place to go when she needs to recover from a binge and then she's off again. Tough times but this to shall pass.

-Sparky