Broken Hearted after being split black

[SplitBlack23]

Hello,

First of all, thank you for all the support and insight I have gained from this site.

I met my ex back in 2013. He had a difficult childhood in which he was victimized by a father who basically always made him feel that he wasn't good enough. There was physical abuse and emotional abuse. I would go as far as saying there was also sexual abuse as his father had this control over his son's masterbation, even going as far as convincing him that there were cameras in his bathroom so he would know if he did.

I had spent 4+ years explaining to this man that "you are good enough", but he never believed me. Any compliments I gave him were shrugged off. Sometimes when he was talking he would stop and say " you don't even care". Even after we got engaged, he would say things like " I feel like you don't like me". He has this deep seated belief that he is worthless, and he has also engaged in self destructive behaviors ( dependancy on pornography, isolating himself, hitting himself, drugs, alcohol issues, gambling, suicide attempts, and more). I love this man more than life itself and value him deeply, so to hear that he thought I didn't like him was not only hurtful, but frustrating.

For the last 9 months, I have felt like I haven't been heard. I have been under immense pressure and although it was difficult for me, I did ask him for help. When he didn't come through with helping me like he said he would, I felt hurt and unheard. When I tried expressing this, his hypersenstivty would perceive it as I didn't think he was good enough and he would withdraw and remove himself emotionally from the relationship. If I try to bring up an issue, it was never the right time. Even when he was calm and I tried bringing up the issue he would say " We are in a good mood, this is going to ruin it". I feel like he could never understand that I am upset over an "action" and not him.

He also did not understand boundaries. We had a pregrenancy scare and I requested that I would like to not talk about it to him as I was finishing up an academic semester and was under a lot of stress from work. I told him it although it could be nothing, in the event it is a baby, I need to keep my stress low. At this time I was also spitting up daily, which I was unsure was from that, or an erratic work schedule/poor diet. As I struggle with overthinking and anxiety, I was waiting until my next supposed cycle to make a doctor's appointment. For my mental health, I needed to create this boundary to focus on self care and my mental health. He took me as needing time to focus on me, as rejecting him as a father and my partner. He even went as far as saying I would be a bad mom and I already "neglected the baby" ( in reference to me not making a doc's appoitment asap). He also went as far as saying he already looked up what he could do legally and was upset that a father he didn't have rights. He broke up with me over the phone after 4.5 years together. After the break up, he demanded that he speak to my doctors, to which I denied. I would not give him any information to which he drove him even angrier. His dad who is a police officer has threatened me before, which included him pulling out his firearm. His dad has also told me stories in which he has forced doctors to give him information. I did not give any information in fear of retaliation from his father over the break up. I am terrified of his father after the threats he made to me when I was just 20 years old.

I don't understand how someone who puts me on a pedestal one moment, devalues me completely the next. He becomes emotionally abusive ( name calls, threatening gestures, glaring ) when he splits. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. At this moment, I'm questioning if he ever loved me at all. When he broke up with me he said I was "disgusting, despicable, and he hoped I can't sleep at night". A few day later when he picked up his stuff he said I was "awesome, caring, and warm". However, one of the worst parts of this is knowing that he is probably regretting his actions, and is engaging in self harm/ self hate to punish himself for what he did, throwing him more into his view that he is worthless and undeserving of love.

Anyone who has a loved one with BPD, how did you communicate with your partner that you had a need that wasn't being met without hurting them? Was I wrong to say I needed some time to process a possible pregnancy? How did you handle it when your partner split you? Was I wrong to not give information as I fear bodily harm from his dad?

I needed a place to post with people who could understand what I went through. Sorry if this was long

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[pearlsw]

Hi SplitBlack23,

 

Thank you for posting and taking your first step in engaging the community here. There is a lot of insight and wisdom here, and you can benefit a lot from it, and benefit others as you spend more time here, learn more about how handle these issues and do some of the tough work involved in relationships.

While I can't say you were in the "wrong", I think one of the most challenging things you can do, once you get some insight and understanding of this person, is relearn how to communicate with him. My SO is also emotionally sensitive and it took me a long time to realize I had to talk to him in a completely different way than I was used to. I had no idea how much I was doing that was actually invalidating and ultimately didn't take his feelings properly into account.

It was hard to recognize that though because his behaviors were so horrible at times. I kept trying to impose logic and reason upon him when that was simply not going to work in many instances. Understanding how he experiences the world, learning to care about this specialness, and then practice dealing with it took time. Making him wrong didn't work, it just led to more feelings of rejection and separation for him.

I would be wary too of this father-in-law person. He sounds like a dangerous character.

So, how do you communicate? You take some time to study, have understanding, and practice the skills here. You post and share and people here may be offer suggestions that can help in specific instances.

Having to communicate what you did is not wrong, but there may be ways that improve the chances of effective communication. Sometimes, in any relationship, this may just not be possible, but it's nevertheless worth it to make the effort in my book!

What are you doing now when you are being split black?

with compassion, pearl.

[SplitBlack23]

Thank you for your insight!

Since I've been split black, I have not engaged in self destructive behaviors. I also did not have a panic attack, I am recovering from anxiety and have been using tools I have learned to avoid letting my emotions get the worst of me

He is emotionally sensitive and my style is more like a "fixer". If he has a bad day and tells me about it, I want to "fix" it. He is more the type to sympthize. We have different styles of communication.

Here's an example
Him being late:
Him: " I was late to work because the traffic", Me: " Let's set the alarm earlier so you have more time to get ready in the morning."
Me being late:
Me" I was late to work because of the traffic", Him: " I'm sorry to hear that, that sucks".

Pearl, I think you hit the communication issue right on the head! I believe we do need to relearn how to communicate with one another. I don't realize how much I invalidate his feelings, and I don't mean too. It becomes difficult when he then starts saying "you don't care about me or my feelings", I find I then have to defend myself to "earn" his trust with it. He is the only person in my life that I feel I cannot be direct with and everything must be wrapped up in a gift box and presented with a bow.

I consider myself a well rounded individual overall, but patience is something I am actively working on. I have realized why he felt his feelings were not validated and I feel bad about it.

How do you validate your SO, without enabling them?

[pearlsw]

Ah, the fixer!   That's not gonna work! I am a non and there is nothing I can't stand more than being fixed. I have a cousin that does this. I just want to be listened to.  

That said, I think I was a terrible listener at times with my current SO, and I thought this was my strength, but I was not listening well to my partner's feelings because they were too intense for me. Way too intense! And I treated him at times like, if I couldn't relate to what he felt I'd just want him to get over it. That doesn't work.

Our communication has improved in some ways, but I really need to study up and start fresh all over again, and again, and again. And I think that is the attitude one has to take - let go of the ego. Assume and be happy that you know nothing and start fresh as a beginner. Toss all your assumptions of what worked in the past because this is a unique person you are trying to communicate with.

For me to get my basic needs met, I helped him out (with his permission) by making him a special little sheet of paper, because he can't think/reply so fast, of things to say to me to show me he's listening and to validate my feelings too. He really appreciated that because he could never think of anything to say, so I gave him some basic things to say.

It can be awkward at times, make me feel like I might as well just date the nice piece of paper, but he really does mean well. He reads the short list and then after he's read it he's more sensitive to my feelings and says extra things (or repeats things) that help me feel better and we move forward. It helps me not feel bitter or like things are totally one sided. He gets to feel good having the right things to say, and I get to feel good too, and it makes me laugh. I put a funny picture on the page so I still laugh every time I see it.

In his direction I have to listen more carefully and validate. This is considered an advanced skill, but might as well dive in:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Oh and one more thing. Perhaps lower your expectations of him, at least to start. You can actually do a lot of good communication work with the other person not even realizing it or knowingly participating. I did tell my SO in fact that I was not asking him to change, that I was changing, in order to improve things for us. This helped me because I did not approach him with a set of expectations and set myself up for disappointment. It also took pressure off of him at a difficult time. And since I realized I liked good communication and made it joy in my life, not a chore, I did it willingly and happily. Just a tip.

What do you think of this tool?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Oh, and I'm working on patience too! I am meditating for 10-20 minutes a day every day this month. Wanna join me? This slows down my reaction time and I am already feeling so much more at ease.